March 6, 1945
Near Remagen, Germany
When I joined the Army, I expected to be treated unfairly by the men around me. Although I've encountered my fair share of men who didn't know how to respect me as one of their own, I'm glad that the soldier life has allowed me to meet great men too.
I've never been more grateful for a group of friends until now. It's strange that it took a war to bring us together, but I believe we've built a bond that cannot be built back home. We may not feel like our luck is high on the battlefield, but we feel lucky to have each other. Maybe it's because facing death together makes for a friendship that's one of a kind; we have each other's backs because one of us could lose our lives at any moment. Our friendships could come to an end very quickly.
When we lost Turner, it wasn't easy to stop thinking about because he was a big part of helping us become better soldiers. Zussman's capture is different because we don't know if he's dead or alive and that's what makes it even harder to stop thinking about; every second that goes by is time we are losing to find him alive if he hasn't already had his life taken away yet.
Of course, there's more to why the thought of Zussman won't escape my mind, not even for a minute. After all, our bond is different than of those that either of us have built with the rest of the boys; we allowed ourselves to experience the sweet and scary vulnerability of love with our lives on the line. By doing this, we added a new fear to our list of pre-existing ones. Not only did we have to worry about never making it back home to our families, but we also had to worry about one of us making it home without the other; in other words, losing the chance to build a future together.
The risks to our relationship never left, but we chose to push them away whenever we could in hopes that we would have some luck. Maybe it wasn't right of us to do that, but when something makes you happy, it can be harder to be realistic to yourself, especially when you're in a place where happiness isn't very easy to come by.
After me being kidnapped and now with Zussman captured, I've come to recognize that although we've experienced so much danger and fear while in service, we had the privilege of being near each other. We didn't have to experience the sadness of being separated by the war like many of the men with sweethearts or wives waiting for them back home have to deal with. There were a few times I saw this sadness on the faces of some of the men in my platoon when I was asked to pass out mail and it was difficult to not feel pity for them.
With Zussman being gone for about two months now, I've had to deal with the sadness and worry of being separated from someone that I hoped to someday be able to love without the dangers of the war getting in the way. It's affected my dreams and my appetite, but in no way do I let it affect my duties as a soldier. After all, I'm still here to help end this war; to put an end to Nazi tyranny and to end the increasing losses of sons, fathers, husbands, and lovers from all nations involved in this war.
Giving up on my soldiering would be like giving up on not only my squad, but my whole platoon. I couldn't let them down like that, especially the men who've been so helpful to me since Zussman's capture.
Aiello and Stiles both have witnessed me crying even though I try to seclude myself whenever I feel my emotions overcoming me. They don't even have to say anything to make me feel better because their presence is enough. I think they both know that nothing they say will ever truly take the sadness away which is why they've normally just allowed me to let out my tears. The truth is, it's up to me to not forget what happened, but slowly learn to live my life without it holding me back. That is, if I get to return home someday.
Another great man I respect very much and feel privileged to know is Daniels. After he told me he gave up going home in order to try to save Zussman, I was in absolute awe of what I was hearing. He's a future husband and a soon-to-be father, yet he gave up his chance to indulge in what sounds like a wonderful future to save his best friend. He's truly a one of a kind soldier and friend. Even though he's the youngest, it often feels like he's the older figure to look up to in our squad.
I didn't think I'd see him again because of the way he disobeyed Pierson. He had pissed the Sergeant off way more than I did because of his rank; being second in command, Daniels was very much expected to not pull that kind of crap. The fact he nearly got himself killed in the process also didn't help his situation.
The letter and package that Zussman asked Daniels to give me also caught me by surprise when Daniels gave them to me. It saddened me to hear that because of the situation we are in, Zussman felt the need to prepare his last words to me because of the possibility that we wouldn't be going home together.
I hate to call whatever he wrote in the letter his last words, but that just might be what they are. As much as it hurts not knowing whether I'll see Zussman's smile again or hear his voice and laughter, it's something I'm going to have to learn to accept.
After Daniels gave me the letter and package, I anxiously went deeper into the forest and sat by a tree that wasn't very far from the camp, but far enough to where no one would get suspicious of who was nearby.
Struggling to shake off the nervousness of opening them, I currently had the letter and package placed on top of the small patch of growing grass in front of me. My stomach churned as I looked at them and I could already feel the urge to cry slowly creeping up on me.
Finally, I grabbed the letter and slowly began to rip it open. I took out the paper and unfolded it, only to realize that there were three sheets of paper with writing on both the fronts and backs.
I took a deep breath, trying to suppress what felt like a growing lump in my throat, and began to read:
"Dear Y/N,
If you're reading this, then that means I'm no longer around. I know what you might be thinking. Why would I bother writing this sad letter? Believe me, it's strange to be writing to you as if I'm a dead man. I don't enjoy doing this, but I'm doing it because I have things to say to you and it freaks me out that I might not have enough time to tell you those things in person. I don't want my death to leave you not knowing what I truly feel for you.
Remember when we first met at the Chicago Union Station? We were complete strangers to each other, but who knew we'd end up becoming so close. I saw your pretty face and couldn't help but go ask if I could sit at the bench you were standing by, in hopes that I could get to know you a bit. I couldn't find a damn seat anywhere else so I felt I lucked out when I saw the only empty one was by you.
When the train whistle blew for us to board, I wanted to continue talking to you. When you ran off in a hurry, I thought I had scared you or something. As much as I wanted to, I decided not to go after you and ask if I could sit with you on the train because I didn't want to scare you more than I thought I had. I didn't scare you, right?"
"Nope," I said aloud with a chuckle.
"When I saw you at the training camp in Massachusetts, I thought my mind was messing with me. Out of all the women who could've been chosen to be sent off the war, it happened to be you.
I didn't make it known, but I was scared shitless throughout training. I'd say just about everybody there was but you can't just go ahead and say it when your country expects you to be a brave man who's willing to die for it. You and the boys made basic training a lot better for me and I'm very grateful for that. It was hard to leave my folks, but training with and getting to know you all was like meeting my second family. And believe it or not, as much as I argued with the guy, I even grew a little soft spot for Aiello.
I'd like you to know that you impressed the hell out of me during basic training. Not only because of the reason you joined the Army in the first place, but because of the way you'd accept every task and get it done the best you could. A lot of complaining happened (I'm guilty of doing it) and I will agree that we weren't always treated very fairly, but it wasn't often I'd hear a complaint come out of your mouth. I could tell you were eager to take in as much as they were teaching us for the future which is what everybody was expected to be doing, but of course, there were the few men who didn't take everything too seriously.
I still remember the first time we practiced our shooting. You missed a lot of the targets, but no matter how many curses came out of your mouth, you kept on trying to get better. Some men just couldn't figure out how to work the gun and would want to give up for the day, but not L/N. I remember that sometimes you would even stay at the shooting range long after every one else had finished practicing for the day and the boys and I would have to come get you for supper.
I really admired that attitude of yours, especially because of how different you were treated often. You could have allowed the rude and unfair treatment to bring you down or even drive you to the point of packing up and going home, but you didn't. You kept on trying to prove that you could be a soldier and from seeing the way you were at basic training, I'd say you proved it earlier than you probably expected to.
I've had a hard time deciding whether the war bringing us together was a good thing because it forced us both into danger. I've had to love you while also feeling scared that I might not be able to grow something with you which is why I'm writing this letter. We've both known that our relationship could not be considered one that had a chance of lasting for a long time unless we got out of this war alive. It hurts to write that because of the reason you're reading this letter but it's reality, ain't it? There was no way of knowing if we were gonna make it home together or not.
And because you reading this letter means I'm gone, I asked Daniels to give you a package as well. I trust that he got it to you without much damage. If you haven't opened it, go on and do it. Don't drive yourself crazy with wonder. I'm sure you'll understand."
I stopped reading and looked down at the package in front of me. I could almost feel as if Zussman were anxiously waiting for me to open it. What could he possibly mean by "you'll understand?"
The package was no larger than a baseball. The layers of writing paper Zussman used as wrapping paper really made whatever was inside seem larger, but feeling around the package revealed it was actually quite small.
All around the package was a strand of string which had been woven around it messily and tied into a tight knot to keep everything in place. I smiled to myself as I imagined Zussman struggling to keep the paper in place as he wove the string around, probably letting out a curse or two.
I used my combat knife to cut the string and removed each piece of writing paper from the bundle carefully so I wouldn't end up dropping whatever was inside. When I removed the last piece of paper, I was left with a small white cube-shaped box made of a velvet material.
As I held the box in my hand, an ache began in my throat. As Zussman had written, I understood what this meant. Zussman's capture had left me with more hurt and frustration inside me than usual these past few months and knowing what I would find inside the box allowed for even more of those emotions to bubble up inside of me. If only he could be here to give me the small but meaningful thing inside.
Tears stung my eyes as I finally opened up the small box. It only took one glimpse at the beautiful ring inside to cause the built up tears to make their way down my face. With a shaky hand, I took the ring out of the box and slid it onto the ring finger of my left hand.
It was a simple ring, one that would be looked down upon by a woman who raises the size of the diamond above all, but I loved everything about it. The band was made of gold and the main diamond was placed in the middle of a square made out of what looked like white gold and silver. On each side of the square were butterfly bows made of the same material with each wing having a small diamond in the middle.
My eyes remained glued to the ring on my finger as everything seemed to freeze around me. In that short moment of mesmerization, the tears stopped flowing from my eyes and my mind and heart had been relieved of the sadness caused by what had been taken from me. As the small breeze dried the tears on my face, I took comfort in the warm feeling within myself. I felt loved and cared for as one might feel when being comforted by a loved one after having a nightmare.
But then the reality of the situation broke the walls of that feeling and came flooding back into my mind again.
As a little girl, one might imagine being proposed to by and married to a wonderful man. Although the ring is beautiful, that doesn't shadow over the way it was given; it was never meant to be given to me this way. I'm sure Robert thought the same as he wrapped it up, but he felt the need to be prepared to give it to me in this way because of our future always be uncertain. I don't blame him for doing that, but I also feel terrible about his paranoid feelings. The war is the main reason we were given a chance to build a relationship, but sometimes it's hard to decide whether that's a blessing or a curse; this is one of those moments where I have a hard time deciding.
It's not unreasonable to say that it seems to be both. Meeting and getting to know Robert has been one of the things that made me feel normal; same as with building friendships with the rest of the boys. The reason being that falling in love and making friends are part of the citizen life. Everything else we do is part of being a soldier; a life that not everyone signs up for. Although I joined up voluntarily, it wasn't because I wanted to be a soldier; I wanted to help my father.
At the same time, my relationship with Robert has always been associated with uncertainty. We could never truly feel comfortable even if we lied to ourselves because no matter how much we tried to push the thoughts of losing one another away, that didn't make us nor the the things we talked about doing in the future safe.
Marriage had been in our talks of our future. I trusted that Robert would put a ring on my finger and wouldn't make it lose its meaning which is one reason I knew I wanted to marry him. I had imagined him going down on one knee and putting the ring on my finger himself and it pains me that if he truly is gone, he couldn't propose the way he wanted to because he feared he wouldn't make it to that moment.
With all the emotions swirling around inside me already, I almost didn't want to continue reading the rest of the letter, but I knew I had to. It may hurt me even more, but I can only imagine what Robert must've been going through writing it and handing it off to Daniels.
I picked up the letter from the ground and continued reading:
"Yup, that's the ring I was gonna propose to you with after the war. We'd talked about it, but I really was gonna do it. Whether it was gonna be on the battlefield after being told to stop firing or on the ship back to the States, I was gonna get all romantic and propose even if it meant getting an ass whooping from your father cause I didn't ask him for permission first."
I chuckled as fresh tears built up in my eyes once again. I could hear every word I read as if he were speaking right next to me.
"I would have been eager to put that ring on your finger because I know you're the woman I want to marry. I may have gotten ahead of myself a few times, but as our relationship went on, it became clear.
For the longest time, I didn't like who I was, mainly because I felt that if I didn't hide being a German-Jew, I'd be treated badly by every person I met. I think that's part of the reason I didn't want to get married before I met you. I felt like every women would look at me like some Nazi and leave me if they found out. I didn't feel like a good enough man for any women to bring home to meet their parents.
Y/N, from our first talk at basic training, you've been very kind to me and accepting of me. I feel privileged to have met a woman like you. I ain't the most perfect man, but I know I must be doing something right to be loved by you. Even when I'm about ready to fight Aiello or I make a dirty joke, you tolerate my crap and continue to love me.
You may be wondering how I got the ring. I had been sending home paychecks to my Ma so she could buy it for me. I told her to pick one out that she thought you'd like and I think she made a nice choice. Hopefully, you like it.
I do feel terrible giving you a ring without a proper proposal. I needed to make sure there was a way to get this ring in your hands if I couldn't give it to you at the end of the war. I didn't want it to go to waste by dying with it in my bag. I'd much rather it be a symbol of what we had during our time together than it stay with me. There was supposed to be more to me giving you the ring. It's tough knowing that this letter means our future together is gone, but it wouldn't feel right not leaving you with it.
I feel like I gotta say sorry for us not being able to do all the things we'd talked about doing together. Every time I would think about what we could do once we got home, it'd never fail to get me excited. We could be having the worst day out there on the battlefield and one glimpse of you would give me hope and I'd start thinking about how I gotta do my best to not only get home to my folks, but also to go home with you.
I had quite a lot of plans for us, some that maybe we didn't get the chance to talk about. You've done a good job of reminding me, but I was first gonna show you around Chicago. Mainly the Southside so you could have seen where I grew up and I maybe would have let Stiles drag us around the Northside if you got curious. I would have finished off the tour with a date at the pizza parlor near my block. OH! And I definitely would have taken you to eat ice cream at The Rainbow Cone. Despite the crap Aiello says about me or things you might have heard if you met my friends, I can be a true gentleman.
I never talked much about meeting your family, but it was something I was hoping to do someday. I would have combed my hair and dressed real nice, you'd have been left thinking you were with a new man. I would have given your father a firm handshake, showed your mother my polite ways, and made your brother laugh. And of course, no jokes that would have got me looks that could kill from you or your father.
We could have had ourselves a sweet 'ol wedding. Nothing too fancy, but nice enough to where we could still afford to pack our bags and head to wherever for our honeymoon to have our fun. Daniels could've been my best man and maybe Stiles wouldn't have minded being one of your bridesmaids (this would have definitely earned me a smack in the arm from you).
It sure would have been nice to have built a real life with you. Not one where we have to go weeks without a shower and don't get enough sleep. I always loved imagining us being the owners of a home with a nice comfy bed and a decent sized yard where our little ones could run around in.
It was only a few years ago that I didn't ever bother to picture myself as married or as a family man, but then you came along and I started to think that it wouldn't be so bad. I think the married life would have been good with you, fun too. I was really hoping I'd get that baking lesson you had promised me a while back. And you bet I would have enjoyed making babies with you and figuring out how to be a good father. Just imagine Mr. Robert Zussman changing diapers.
For a good while now, my biggest goal has been to give you a proper life in the States. One that would have been way better than what that Wayne fella tried to give you. I would have loved to watch and support you doing what makes you happy. Many women choose to stay home and live their life being their husband's maid, but I couldn't stand to let you limit yourself to that kind of life. I hope that when you get home, you stay motivated and continue working hard. Aim for a job that you won't hate waking up to go do.
Know that me giving you this ring is not meant to make you feel like you can never be with someone again. It may hurt you for a while that I'm gone, but I would hate for you to spend your life mourning me forever. Take your time to move on. You don't have to forget, but hopefully you'll choose to be grateful for what we had during our short time together rather than sad over what could have been.
I'd better finish this off before any of the boys or yourself finds me crying. I've had to stop and think many times whether writing this letter is a good choice or not. I've realized that it may hurt you, but it also helps me feel better knowing you'll hear my last words rather than never hear from me again.
Me dying may mean I can't be around to love you, but that doesn't mean my love for you doesn't exist anymore. Even though I don't know how I died, I know I died loving you, so that means it's forever.
I don't know what you want to do with the ring. Maybe you'll wear it, maybe you won't and you just might store it away somewhere. If you ever feel like you don't want it anymore or you someday don't feel right keeping it, I ask that you give it to my mother. I wrote the the address of my family's home at the end of this letter. If you pay them a visit someday, I'm sure they'd love to hear what you have to say about me and get to know you.
I'd like to end this letter by thanking you. You've made me feel a lot of good things that I can't say I've felt with the few women I've been in the company of in my life. Thank you for helping me see that I don't have to be so harsh on myself for being who I am.
And I can't forget to mention that I feel pretty lucky to have earned the love of the United States' very first woman soldier. There's so much talk about us men doing all the work, but the world sure needs to see that women are tough too.
If you and the boys make it home, don't go your separate ways without giving Daniels a handshake for me. Maybe give Stiles a flick in the head and Aiello a punch in his big snozz for me too.
Take good care of yourself. Live a good life. And while you're still in service, don't get on Pierson's bad side too much.
I love you so damn much, Y/N. Maybe we'll meet again someday and you can tell me all about your adventures.
Yours,
Robert
P.S. As I once said, you're too pretty for a crappy place like this."
There was no more trying to hold back my emotions as I finished the letter. Eventually, I'd lose the ability to cry, but for now, I allowed everything to be let out. I was no longer worried about who heard me crying since I was unable to control myself. With my knees brought up to my chest and my arms placed on my knees, I rested my head on my arms and wept, my chest heaving and my tears flowing to the tip of my nose before making their way to the dirt below.
* * *
"There you are, L/N! Oh gosh, are you okay?"
The sound of hurried footsteps coming towards me woke me up and made me raise my head up quickly. I wasn't sure how long I had been out, but it must have been a while since the tears on my face had dried and my arms were slightly numb from my head resting on them.
I wiped my eyes to clear my vision as the footsteps got closer to me. I looked up to see it was Stiles who was approaching.
"Hi, Stiles," I mumbled, rubbing one of my numb arms.
"Hey, L/N. What are you doing all the way out here?"
"There's no use in trying to lie to you. I'm sure you already know, Stiles," I said, pulling my handkerchief out of one of my coat pockets. I blew my nose as he sat down next to me.
"You may not want to, but if there's something you need to talk about, I'm willing to listen," he said as he removed his canteen from the pouch on his waist belt and handed it to me. "Here. Drink some water."
"Did you know about a letter that Zussman had written to me in case he ever...in case he ever..." I refused to finish the sentence and stared off into nothing as Stiles took back the canteen.
"...Yeah...I knew about the letter." Stiles unscrewed the canteen and handed it back to me. "I wasn't supposed to know about it. It was only supposed to be Daniels' responsibility but he felt I would take better care of it. He figured I could give it to you if he was...unable to."
"So you knew about the package then too?"
"Yes." He cleared his throat. "I really hope you're not mad at me for not tellin-"
"No, no, I'm not mad at you. You did what you were asked to do. In fact, thank you for respecting Zussman and not saying anything." I gave him a small smile as I gave him back his canteen.
"Yeah, of course."
"It's just- it's so hard to deal with all this. It's bad enough not knowing where he is or if he's- but then I'm reading this letter and he's practically saying goodbye to me and I don't want to believe that these are his last words to me." I sighed, leaning my head back against the tree to look at the empty branches above. If he'd found me sooner, I'd be a crying mess by now, but after letting out all those tears, there was now only a feeling of being empty.
"I'm not sure how you'll feel about this but...I respect him for writing the letter. I've thought about writing a similar one to my parents...but I can never quite build up the courage to do so," he spoke slowly, most likely afraid to say the wrong thing to me.
"No doubt it's hard. Reading it feels no better, along with finding out what was in the package." I looked at Stiles. "Would you like to know what he gave me?"
"Okay, if you're comfortable with showing me."
"He gave me a ring." I held out my left hand for him to see and his eyes slightly widened. "He...he was going to propose after the war."
"I-it's a lovely ring," he said after a few moments of silence.
"Which is why I wish it didn't hurt so much to look at. It saddens me that he couldn't give it to me the way he hoped to." I covered my left hand with my right on my lap, shielding the ring from my view.
"L/N...it's easy to lose hope, but all we know is he got captured. We can't jump to any conclusions just yet. I may not know much about what the Krauts do to their POWs, but...there's still the chance that he's alive and being used for labor," Stiles said, fidgeting with the cap of his canteen.
"I really hope so." I leaned my head back against the tree again and closed my eyes, wishing this could all just be a nightmare.
~ ~ ~
Chapter Song: "Borderland Sorrows" by Slow Meadow