How was the last chapter?
Is this getting sad yet?
Cancer can be difficult to handle but I try not to think about it. Negative thoughts won't save me or cure me. I'm slowly dying but I'm not going to let myself fall into depression again because of that.
I'm strong...
I can survive this. Lots of people beat cancer. Esophageal cancer is the sixth most common cause of cancer deaths worldwide. That's good news, it's not any of the top five.
I lean against Oli like I'm giving him a hug but I don't move my arms. He holds me and I fall into deep thought.
If I keep getting worse then I'm going to move away and die alone. I don't want people to worry. Oli would worry if he knew I was this sick.
But relationships don't always work out. It will be best for him if we broke up before he found out about it. Then he won't even know that I died. My parents will of course and so will people I know like Vic, Matty, and maybe Ronnie.
Ronnie isn't close but he knows my story and lives here so he might ask Vic who will be the third person to find out about my death. If I die... If the doctors are right and I only have a year. I've known I'm destined to die for about two years now.
They said I probably breathed to much smoke as bad chemicals five years ago and it made me develop Esophagus cancer but they don't really know the reason. That's just a guess.
Three years I was diagnosed and a year later the doctors said I have five years to live but a year ago they changed it to two years... Now I'm down to one year left. That's why I made a list.
I need to fulfill my life goals. It sometimes gets me down that I won't do things like have my own family, buy a house, get married, experience things only time can provide. Time is against me but who cares?
I'm going to stay happy. This will be my best year. I'll try to stay out of the hospitals and try to fight this. I hate those white plain rooms and hallways.
White will always make me feel uncomfortable. Last year I hardly left that place.
Oli pulls away and makes me look into his eyes. "Just tell me what's going on," he says and I smile. It's not fake, I've learned how to really stop thinking about the negative stuff.
"I want you to see Holly!" I say now dragging him to my baby.
"Holly sounds like Oli, I like it," he says and I blush religion I must have been thinking about him as I named her.
"So I found her as squirrels were cussing at me and," I pause as I pick her up for the first time with my hands. "A bitch said she was going to die and was gross. But I took Holly and I love her," I say sweetly and he snickers when I cuss.
"You saying bad words is the strangest but best thing ever," he says and I blush. I look at the little baby squirrel that reminds me of myself.
I don't really know if she's sick but she definitely needed me to take her and be feed and taken care of. The lady had no hope for its survival and it was sad and lonely. I once had no hope for myself.
If this survives and gets better that will give me so much hope. I already have hope but it's like I need this thing to get better. Defeat its sickness.
Her eyes open for the first time in its life and looks into my eyes. I'm the first thing it's ever seen. I smile and look at Oli whose watching me happily.
I pet it on the head ever so softly and smile. Holly needs to live. I'll do everything in my power and she WILL live.
"You'll make wonderful parents in the future," he says and I giggle and hold her out to him. He nervously holds out his hands and I carefully place it in his hands.
He holds Holly and smiles. "This thing is cute but you are way cuter," he says and hands it back. "I'm scared I'll drop the poor thing," he says so I take it back and then put it up.
Is waddling around now more active giving me hope. I hope that lady's wrong and it's not sick.
Oli makes me wash my hands and he does too. "I'm taking you to a coffee shop later today, do you want me to leave now so you can get ready? I do need to walk my dogs and take a shower," he says and I nod hugging him.
"What time?" I ask and he kisses my forehead.
"5? Later? Sooner?" He asks and I giggle.
"I'll see you around five," I say playing with my hair. "And send me pictures of your dogs," I add and he smiles.
"Bye sweetie," he says and leaves shortly after. I don't tell him he's leaving his jacket because from now on its actually mine. When he's completely gone I pick it up and put on the white jacket.
I hope everything goes smoothly with us...