"Look at this, Michaela," I said and nudged her, but got surprised when I saw her scrunching up her nose in disgust. Well, surprised... This was Michaela, after all.
"Gail, Gail, Gail... You are not dressing our kid in that. Haven't you heard anything I've said the last hour?"
Here we go again...
"The color is two shades too dark for her. She's gonna look pale. And not to mention that the shape is totally wrong, and will make her look like a penguin. You don't want that, do ya?"
I blinked my eyes and tried to keep a serious face, but the way she wholeheartedly took fashion design to the next level, - on a baby, was downright hilarious! But what fascinated me, was that she actually was right in most of the things she said. But when she wanted a custom fitted red and black leather jacket, size four months, I refused profusely. It was ridiculous to spend that amount of money on something she would grow out of within the next month. And I didn't care that Michaela promised me that it wouldn't cost that much. It was just not worth it.
"How about this one, then?" I asked and held up a tiny red Christmas dress with snow crystals as buttons, and a fluffy, white fake fur on the rim at the bottom.
"Yawn!" she yelled obnoxiously.
"Way too booring."
"Too boring? It's Christmas!" I objected.
"So? It's too... Christmasy. And Christmas is all about looking good and having fun, and not walk around like a scarecrow just because the tradition says so."
I scoffed defiantly.
"Well, brace yourself, because this dress is cute, and we're gonna buy it."
Michaela rolled her eyes, and continued to comb through the racks of clothes, until we both decided that enough was enough, paid, and left. But we didn't get far until I spotted a man dressed like Santa Claus, sitting on an oversized golden throne outside a toystore. An elf helped him with the crowd of kids, and two plastic reindeer in front of a sleigh filled with presents, were next to him. And there was glitter everywhere. Long tinsels of glitter was wrapped around everything, everywhere, even the antlers on the deer, and created an impressive atmosphere, that completely thrilled the people passing by. Especially the kids.
"Aaw. Can we go there?" I begged, pointing to the thick, white bearded man, currently talking to two kids that were seated on his lap. But Michaela just rolled her eyes.
"What are you five? Hate to disappoint you, Gail, but you grew up several years ago. And if you don't start using that facial cream with hyaluronic acid, you'll be all wrinkly soon too."
I gasped loudly and glared at her.
"I beg you a pardon?! You are actually four years older than me, so watch it old lady."
Michaela scowled back, but didn't reply.
"Please? I want to take a picture of Annie on his lap. It's her first Christmas, you know."
Instead of waiting for an answer, I started walking towards them, with Annie babbling her beautiful baby language, while laying in her baby carriage. And Michaela walked after us, dragging her feet dramatically to make sure I knew what she meant about the case. As if there was any doubt...
"You better make it fast," she mumbled.
"I ain't got time for this."
I finally had enough.
"What is your problem about Christmas, Michaela?! You're acting like the Grinch! This is a wonderful time of the year, and you're just complaining. Why?"
"Because I don't see the need to celebrate such a profanity! Letting the kids worship an obese, old man, who clearly has both atherosclerosis and diabetes? And he's clearly delusional too, maybe even psychotic, since he believes that he can fly all over the planet, eating cookies, drinking milk and delivering presents. Through a fucking chimney?! Did you see the size of that man?!"
"SHHHH! People can hear you!" I exclaimed in a lowered voice, while I nailed her with my eyes.
"So? It's about time that someone speaks up about the mass hysteria that's supposed to be about Jesus Fucking Christ, but that in reality is a ginormous fake campaign for the trading business. If they only managed to ditch the two most misused colors in history. Red and green?! Come on! What about the other colors? Why can't it be a purple Christmas? Or black and silver? Or even pink? Just not red. That's just so passe, like... Three generations ago! And speaking of colors: Why can't Santa be a black man? Or even a woman? It's so discriminating I don't even..."
"Will you shut up?! I get that you don't like Christmas, but quit ruining it for us that do. And now, I want to have a picture of Annie so we can remember her first Christmas later. Okay?"
Michaela mumbled something, but nodded and followed suit through the many people who were crowded around Santa Claus. And after a while standing in line, while Michaela complained non stop, it was finally our turn.
"Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas," the man in the red costume cheered.
"Oh, this must be the youngest visitor today."
"See? I told you that Annie is too young for this," Michaela said as the matter of factly. But then she groaned and croaked down, when I elbowed her side.
"What's her name?" asked Santa.
"Annie," I answered proudly.
"What a beautiful name for a beautiful girl. Just as her mother," he said and winked at me.
"Hey! What about me?! We were two about it, ya know. My little moonwalkers did quite a job, empregnating this one," she said, and slapped my back.
"SHHH!" I hissed, and blushed tremendously. Then I turned back to Santa to apologize. But I didn't get to say more than two words, before Michaela started up again.
"He's getting paid to say stuff like that, Gail. Don't start imagining things. And if this dude was real, I bet Mrs. Santa would be pretty mad that her husband is flirting around like that. Not to forget the fact that he's got all these kids crawling around on his lap. It doesn't really send out the best vibes, ya know. Just sayin'."
I slapped her arm in terror, and felt ashamed beyond describable, noticing the looks we got from people around us.
"I am terribly sorry, Sir. Please pretend she's... He's not here. He's just... Uhm. Can I take a picture?"
"Of course," Santa said with a smile, but I couldn't help but to notice the uncertainty in his eyes when he looked at Michaela. And just as I was about to take the first picture, while getting Annie's attention, Michaela just had to open her mouth again...
"Is it really necessary to wear a pillow over your stomach? You're not fat enough as it is? You're not a good role model for kids growing up, lookin' like that. And you're stuffing them full of sugar and candy? Like, seriously? You didn't learn anything about good health at school? And that red costume... Great fucksucker! It does terrible things to your figure, do you know that? If you shaved, and put on a pair of grotesquely long teeth, you would look exactly like a walrus dipped in red paint!"
I couldn't take anymore. I picked up Annie, excused ourselves and dragged a yelling Michaela out of there. And a mumbling crowd, told me that lots of people had heard what had been said.
"What is the matter with you?! You just couldn't manage to act nice and polite for the short while it took to get the picture? You just had to ruined everything? You are such a terrible person!... Uhm... Ality! Personality! I swear to God, I we weren't in public, and I held Annie in my arms, I would slap you until the end of next week!"
Michaela hummed with a smirk.
"That would be interesting. Can we try that tonight?"
I stared at her in disbelief, before I scoffed loudly and stomped away.
"Hey!" she yelled after me.
"We can use some of my buckles, and tie each other to the bed!"
"I'm not talking to you," I grunted, and kept on walking. Several people were staring at us, and I wanted to disappear as soon as possible. It was a long time since I was so embarrassed as I was now. A long time!
"You can't ignore me forever, Gail! I'm Diva, you know! Divinity in motion!"
I heard some people cheering behind me, but didn't want to turn around to see what she was doing. She was probably doing some dance moves. But when I kept on walking towards the exit, I heard her shout:
"Okay, show is over, people! Merry Christmas!"