"WAKE THE FUCK UP BAKU-HOE HOE HOE, IT'S CHRISTMAS YOU PINECONE SUCKER!!!" You yelled into a megaphone in his ear. You're pretty sure you petrified him because he didn't move.
"... oh shit."
~
"You want me to wake up Class 1-A so you could give them gifts that you bought?" Aizawa asked tiredly. You nodded like a gleeful slug. "Where did you even get money to buy things."
"That'snotimportant!" You said quickly, but then clapped your hands together like you did your ass for the money. "I even bought something for you!" His face immediately dropped even more like my grandmother's boobs without a bra.
"Oh god..."
"You'll like it! I promise!" You tapped him assuredly on the shoulder.
~
"Well this is new," Yaoyorozu said, "It's unexpected of Y/n to get us presents."
"Well, you know what they say," you said, "Unexpect the expected."
"Uh... isn't it, 'expect the unexpected?'" Jiro asked.
"Not with me!"
She just laughed nervously.
"Alright! Let's get to opening!"
You spread your asscheeks apart and proceeded to shit out 21 presents.
"Uh... Y/n-chan?" Midoriya called nervously.
"Yeah...! Wait a minute...!" You strained out.
"..."
"Okay! Done!" You said, finding a pair of pants and putting them on. You looked at the pile of presents.
"Bakugo! You go first!" You exclaimed, handing him two. They were wrapped.
"What the fuck are these?"
"You're supposed to open them and find out, dumbass."
"I KNOW THAT YOU SIDE CHARACTER!!!"
"I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER YOU BOTTOM!!!"
With a growl, Bakugo ripped the wrapping off of the bigger present. Sero, Ashido, Kaminari, Jiro, and Kirishima proceeded to laugh their asses off.
Bakugo just stared at it confused.
"What the..."
"Don't look so dumbfounded, Bakugo!" Kaminari laughed. The spiky blond turned his eyes over to the smaller gift and ripped it open.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHGAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAGAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!!!"
You smiled, proud, then turned to Kirishima.
"Your turn!"
His face dropped immediately.
"Oh no."
You handed him a huge, tall, rectangular box.
"How the hell did you poop that out?" Kaminari asked.
"Skillz, noob."
He unwrapped it and tore open the box.
"//LARGE GASP// I LOVE IT!!!"
He immediately dunked it over his head.
"Ith smwells gret in here!"
"Baby shark do do do do do do—"
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" You yelled, "NO MORE!!!!"
"... Baby Yoda, baby baby Yoda..."
"... I regret sucking dick for you."
You then clapped your (cheeks) hands together and looked at Midoriya.
"Your turn!"
"... oh no."
You chucked him his gift. Which was long and soft.
"... oh no..."
Hesitatingly, he opened the wrapping paper. Then he did an ear-piercing gasp.
"I LOVE IT!!!!" He hugged it like it was his newborn child.
"Knew you would." You smirked knowingly.
"Hey, hey." Mineta poked you. "Did you get me a Mt. Lady body pillow? Please say yes."
"No, BUT I got you something better!" You replied, handing him a gift. With a sour expression, he tore off the paper.
"What an appropriate gift," Todoroki said.
"W-WHAT IS THIS?!?!" Mineta cried.
You smiled innocently at him.
"Hope you like it!"
"I DON'T!!"
"WELL TOO BAD YOU PEELED BLUEBERRY!!!!"
Then you tossed a small box to Tokiyama.
"This one's for you."
"Thank you," he said, slowly opening it up. His eyes widened, a tear sliding down his cheek.
"T-this is..."
"I love it...!"
You smiled warmly at the touched crow.
"Alright, your turn Nissan Altima."
"Please say my actual name!"
"No problem, Mercedes-Benz R 300 CDI DPF BlueEfficiency 7G-Tronic." You slid the giant present over to him. When he opened it, Ashido, Sero, and Denki swooned. Kirishima was still inside of the shark.
"OOOHH!!!! COOL!!!"
"THANK YOU Y/N-SAN." He bowed to you.
"Yeah yeah." You waved him off. "I'm amazing, I know." You then turned to the Hentai Guy.
"Shoji! Your turn!" You tossed him a small box. He opened it. He blinked at it. Everyone stared at it.
"Um..."
"Ah ah, no words, Kakashi wannabe." You then slowly turned your head to Denki, a Cheshire grin on your face.
"Now to my favorite man!" You rolled over a giant thing to him. With a gleeful yell, he tore it open (like yo pussy.)
"SCREEEE!!!" He yelled.
"THANK YOUUUUUU!!!!!" He began to charge himself.
"You got him a generator?" Sero asked. You nodded. "Those things aren't cheap. How much dick did you have to suck to get that?"
"..."
"... onto the next present!" You tossed a small box onto Hagekure's lap. "This one's for you!"
"Ooh! Thank you!" Her tiny non-visible hands unwrapped it.
"Uh..."
"Masculine AND feminine, cause we don't discriminate in this house."
"Thank you!" She put them on and looked around. "How do I look?"
"You look—ppfffht—great!" Denki said, having a hard time keeping a straight face.
"Thank you Kaminari!"
"Koda! Here!" You threw him a soft squishy present. He looked down at it nervously. "Well, don't be shy! Open it up!" With a gulp, he ripped away the wrapping.
"OH THANK GOODNESS!!!"
"Why did he get marshmallows?" Denki asked.
"He's too innocent to be made fun of."
"... fair enough."
"Ochaco! LESBIANSAYSWHAT." You chucked the present at her.
"WHAT?!" She caught it with a yell.
"Oh wow! I didn't know that!" Kirishima said, "I thought you had a crush on Midor—"
"QUIET!!!!!!" In a flustered hurry, she ripped open the package. "... huh?"
"Um... why did you get me a—"
"CAUSE YOU'RE A MOTHERFUCKING QUEEN AND I LOVE YOU, KEEP SHINING LIKE THE QUEEN THAT YOU ARE."
"Uh... thank... you..."
"Okay! Ashido!" You threw her a small box. She pulled the ribbon and opened the lid.
"... huh?"
They all looked at you, confused.
"If you think trippin on your acid is fun, try trippin on mine," you explained.
"ASHIDO IS A MINOR, Y/N-SAN," Iida exclaimed, waving his hand up and down like he was giving a LEGO man a handjob.
"And? I am too, but that shit didn't stop me. Age is just a number."
"So was your prison sentence."
"..."
"..."
"... oh no..."
"Run."
You chased Mineta all throughout the dorms before catching him and beating him into raisins.
"Now!" You said, sitting back down on the couch. "Tsuyu! It's your turn!" You gave her a smallish box.
"Kero, thank you," she said as she took it from you. She ripped off the wrapping and looked inside. Immediately, her eyes went wide and glossy.
"You okay?" Denki asked.
"Kero... it's... it's... beautiful..." She hugged it to her chest.
"Holy crap, someone actually liked Y/n's gift," Kirishima said. You glared at him.
"I gave you a shark, shut up and be happy." You put on a big smile and stared at Ojiro.
"You."
He jumped at the sudden address.
"Yes...?" He replied nervously.
"Your tail reminds me of a giant dick."
His cheeks tinted a light pink.
"O-oh, uh... th-thank you?"
"So, because of this, I got you this."
You walked over to a giant present and pressed a button. The sides of the box fell open and—
"What... the fuck."
"''Tis a fleshlight!!" You exclaimed happily, gesturing up to it like Will Smith. Everyone blinked. Then glanced at each other.
"Where did you get this?" Sero asked.
"Uh..." You said, "I... borrowed it... yeah, I borrowed it from some construction guys..."
"... looks like we'll have to bail you out again."
"ALRIGHT well besides that!" You clapped your hands and chucked a wrapped present at Aoyama.
"This one is yours. Take your time with them."
"Merci!" He tore the wrapping off the time.
"WO-WOAH, Y/N!" Denki exclaimed.
"Do me a favor and don't shove them up your ass."
Aoyama hid them from everyone's sight, but he definitely was going to use them later.
"Uh..." Your eyes roamed around the last few people until they landed on your favorite Central European country.
"Todoroki! This one is fairly simple, but I think you'll like it!" You said, handing him a long, slender box.
"Thank you," he said, pulling off the lid. His face immediately went blank.
"... what? Don't lie! You look exactly like it!"
"Eh... I think he looks more like the Canadian flag," Denki said.
"Or maybe the American flag with his blue eye," Kirishima added.
"Or Alabama," Ashido commented.
"Compare him to that state again I'll fry you in your own acid," you warned, holding a shotgun to her face.
"Where did she get that?"
"Who knows... probably out of her butt."
With a sigh, you sat back down and turned your pleasant gaze to Yaoyorozu.
"Now, it's your turn," you said, gracefully handing her a rectangle present.
"Thank you," she said, undoing the rubbing and tearing open the paper.
"Huh?" She said, pulling it out.
"A journal?" She asked.
"It's for writing whatever feelings you have towards someone instead of ostracizing them and making them feel like an isolated piece of shit that got deprived of human contact and intimacy."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"... 👁👄👁"
"... thank you."
"Okay, now, for my third favorite man!" You exclaimed, handing the gift out towards Sero.
"Oh man, why am I your third favorite?"
"Cause I pegged Denki and Kirishima is wholesome." You handed him a small box. He opened it with a light whine.
"Uh...?"
"Well, think of it this way," you said, "You're fucking someone, and they want you to tie them up, but you can't, cause you're fucking them up and your elbows aren't in a position (haha) to shoot out your weird sperm-tape... but BAM!! Instant bondage right at your fingertips instead of your elbow."
"... uh..."
"It makes sense."
"... okay, thank you, Y/n."
You smiled at him brightly.
"Anytime!" You chucked a present at Jirou. "THINKFAST!" She caught it with lightning fast reflexes cause she Queen™️.
"I'm scared," she said. Your smile grew wider.
"Good, you should be."
Slowly, she opened it. It was a box. She took off the lid.
"... is this a..."
"Bong? Yes, yes it is."
"Dude, that looks sick," Sero said.
"It's really cool," Kirishima said. Jirou just smiled nervously at you.
"Thank... you...?"
"You're welcome!!" Your stare then went to Satou. "Your turn!"
"Oh..."
you threw him a bag and he caught it. He undid the string and pulled it open.
"Uh...?" Everyone looked down into it.
"Hey, Y/n?" Sero called.
"Isn't this..." Kirishima added.
"Crack cocaine?" Denki finished.
"..."
"..."
"... it's not sugar?"
~BONUS~
"Y/n, you're expelled," Aizawa said.
"What?? Why??"
"Because you gave me this." He held up a dildo in the shape of a cat paw.
"What? We all know you love cats and that you're secretly gay," you said, "It's okay to admit it. We're all into what we're into."
"Get out."
"Fair enough."
THIS TOOK ME SO FUCKING LONG
Ja ne!
{Ruby Red}