"This has got to stop. It has been two years. You need to move on."
"Who are you to tell me when to move on or how long to mourn? It is not your right."
Sighing she strided over to the windows and pushed the dark curtains open letting bright light filter into the room.
"Please don't do that," I hissed. "The sunlight hurts my eyes."
"Of course, it does; you have been held up in the dark for days."
Why could my family not leave me alone to wallow in misery? My heart was eternally broken. Sitting on the bed she looked at me with disapproval and pulled the sheets from my body.
"I am your sister and she was my mother too, so I have every right," she said aloud. Placing emphasis on the word mother.
"We are not telling you to forget her, Evie. All we are asking is for you to get out of this funk. She would never have wanted this for you. You are not happy. You avoid everyone and only get out of this house for work. We basically have to shove you out the door every day."
"She was all I had Bailey. Everything I am is because of her. The simplest task I do reminds me of her. With her gone there is no purpose in my life. I have nothing to live for. I miss her with all my heart," I whined dejectedly.
Many days I cried myself into exhaustion. Crying for the fact that she was gone, the fact that she would not be there to give me advice and comfort me when I was upset or the fact that she would never get to see me achieve any of my goals.
I hated my sister for calling me out. She was right. I could still hear my mother telling me, "You have given up so much for me but promise me the day I die you live your life. Enjoy everything you were never able to do when I was here."
Contrary to her demand I spiraled out of control. Depression was my main companion. I became isolated blocking out the world. Simple conversations with family was difficult, so trying to be polite to other people was futile. No one understood my pain or turmoil. Being alone made it better because I didn't need to think. Wrapped in endless despair I felt Bailey gently rubbing my back.
"Hey things will get better, I promise," she tried saying convincingly but I could hear worry in her trembling voice.
She pesters me every day. The worst part was I could not stay mad at her. The longest we have gone without speaking has been a week and it killed me. It does not help the situation that I am the instigator to all the fights. Bailey is my older sister by fifteen years and second mother. Growing up I spent more time with her than our mother. She was a calm and gentle soul. The mediator between the sisters. Never an unruffled feather even in the worst situations. She was the only person I was willing to have around and not be surly with.
My fondest memory of her was as a scrawny teenager with two long pigtails holding a chubby baby on her hips singing. I was always glued to her hips. All her friends would tease her, laughing anf asking how she never tipped trying to carry me around when I weighed the same as her.
"You need to get up so we can get this place cleaned. It is a pigsty. Afterwards I will make you banana pancakes with maple syrup. How does that sound?"
It took me a few minutes to consider the offer. I reluctantly nodded and slowly rolled out of bed to go to the bathroom. This was going to be a long day. One I was not happily anticipating.
I had been off work for two days and not budged from bed except to use the toilet. Glancing in the mirror I disgusted myself. My hair was matted, my eyes were puffy and bloodshot from crying and I had drool on my mouth. Wiping the drool away with my robe sleeve I proceeded to brush my teeth. Yuck...seriously I needed a major overhaul but for now a shower would have to do. Deciding to take my time and enjoy it, I shampooed my hair to get the knots out and shaved as well. The warm water helped relaxing my muscles and calming my nerves. After getting out I slipped into one of my mom's dress. Her dresses were soft and loose. When we were getting rid of her things, I had to keep a few of her clothes. I went to the medicine cabinet and popped a few Tylenols to help with my pounding headache. Then slowly started dragging my feet downstairs to my execution.
Following the banging of pots and pans, Bailey stood at the sink doing the dishes. On the kitchen island sat orange juice, bacon, eggs and banana pancakes with whipped cream smiley faces. Ok, wow I knew for certain I did not have that type of food in my kitchen. My refrigerator was down to bare bones last time I checked. There had been a two-week-old veggie lasagna from Leah, a bottle of spoilt milk, two eggs and what could have possibly once been an egg sandwich.
"I stopped at the supermarket before coming over figuring you wouldn't have anything here to eat," Bailey commented with her back to me.
"Really, how did you know what I am thinking?"
"Remember when you were younger, I would tell you stop being mischievous even though my back was towards you. You would look at me confused and ask if I was a witch with superpowers. Just so you know I still have those superpowers.
"And I still believe you are a witch. An evil, evil witch. Anyway, thank you I guess."
"Hmmm...just eat so that we can get this place in order. There is something I wanted to discuss without you getting angry with me."
She always does this. Use the "hope you don't get angry" statement like automatically knowing whatever she was about to tell me would upset me. Turning around she smiled.
"You took your sweet time getting down here but at least I can say you pulled together nicely." Her gaze fell on me but not really seeing me. Sadness crept into her eyes for a brief second then disappeared. "You do realize you look a lot like her, especially wearing her clothes. We all miss her so much, but as the older sisters we need to be strong for you." I felt horrible for making their lives difficult with my problems.
She was our rock. The shoulder everyone cried on, the bank we visited when we were in trouble, the babysitter and the problem solver.
"Anyhow getting back to the subject at hand, I was thinking maybe you should go see Dr. Lambert."
It took a minute for me to process what she had said, and I did get angry.
"What the hell! You want me to go see Dr. Loony Bin. Bailey you have tried getting me there since last year. You of all people knows my dislike for those types of doctors. All she does is pump people with drugs. I am not going."
She had been one of my friend's doctor in the past. Diagnosed her with Bipolar Disorder and prescribed medication. Suddenly she started getting sick saying that she was even more depressed, tired and always in a foggy state. Thinking back on it she got worst after seeing the doctor. She eventually left her prescription medication behind and started using street drugs. It became a continual downward spiral from there until one day I got a message from a friend saying she jumped off a bridge and killed herself. She was twenty-six years old. A life cut tragically short by difficult choices and no real family to be there to assist her with mental instability.
"This is not up for debate. It's fine if you do not want to go see her, but if that is the casw you will research another doctor and go. End of story. All I want is for you to find someone that you can talk to. I don't like seeing you like this. Your refusal to speak to us is only amplifying our worries. Make your choice or we will make it for you."
Sitting down at the table pouting I pushed my food around the plate. How had life gone so terribly wrong? As a young girl my life had been mapped out. I would have been an architect at twenty-three, met my boyfriend at twenty-five and be married with a baby by the time I was thirty. So much for planning.
Now here I was a moping thirty-three year with a job I had to force myself to go to and absolutely no social life. No boyfriend, no babies and all my friends stayed away because I kept being evasive with them.
"Stop playing with your food and eat. I don't have all day. I have to pick up Kaylie from day care."
"Yes, mother," I said sarcastically. "So where is Mika? Why isn't she picking up Kaylie?"
"Don't give me attitude little girl. Mika asked me to pick her up today because classes will be running late."
"So, she decided on going back to school."
Mika was my other sister, bold and outspoken with the men to match. She had her own problems to deal with, so she didn't hound me as much. Juggling school, a job, a toddler and a dead-beat boyfriend her life was full of woes. There was a lot on her plate. She also knew her sisters didn't approve of some of her life decisions so avoided us. But again, who was I to judge? Personally, I would have shot the guy a long time ago and buried him so deep in the forest nobody would ever be able to find his remains. Not even wild animals.
Then there was Leah, sensitive, a free spirit and a creative genius in the kitchen. Her moods moved with the wind and the tides. A beautiful head strong fairy princess who wanted to pin she cheeriness on the world with pink, sparkles, hugs, kisses and cuddles. Being around her made me want to hurl most of the time. In her world the sun chewed up a rainbow and spat it everywhere. If you didn't agree with her choices she would sweetly force her concept on you with a smile.
In this family being the baby sucked. Constantly hounded. Sulking was out of the question. It wasn't allowed. Nag, nag, nag. They said the outside world was filled with too many wonderful things for me to be sitting locked up pining away. Wonderful my ass. Give me three bottles of Jack Daniels then I would be seeing through rose colored glasses. Talking about that I looked up from my food the exact moment she went into the cupboard. The one place I dreaded. Now the real trouble would begin.
"Eve what is this?"
"Nothing," I mumbled. If I had known she would have been coming over I would have gotten rid of them.
"I thought you got over this."
Hanging my head, I felt guilty. Just a little. I told them I quit. Lying to them was easier than quitting because they had no idea how much I needed my liquid courage. It was the only thing I could do to make the pain go away. To make me functional.
Huffily she walked over to me slamming the bottles on the table in front of me.
"Answer me damn it. You promised to quit. Why lie to me. You never lie to me. After your accident last year, you promised, and I believed you. How could you do this to us?"
"I am sorry."
"Sorry won't cut it this time Eve. You don't get to do this again do you hear me. Whether you like it or not you are going to go see a doctor. So, you better make up your mind fast or we will do it for you."
It began a year after mom died. The drinking and the depression. The fiery liquid made life a bit more bearable. No one was aware of it until the night I tried to kill myself. I had learned to mask the devastation that plagued me. I laughed when it was necessary and had polite conversation, so everyone thought I was fine. But deep down I had died that day they placed her coffin six feet in the ground.
I repeatedly heard her weak tired voice and saw her frailty. It ate me alive that I couldn't save her. I must could have done more. Then one day my thoughts got too much. Things got out of control. Life felt too overwhelming. I held up in my room for two days binge drinking and when I sobered up and the pain resurfaced, I went and got the blades I hid away under the bed and slit my wrists. The relief was tantamount to the warm blood flowing from my open wounds. For the first time in a long time there was peace and contentment. The calm splashing waves hitting the shoreline and the sun beating on my skin, the sea gulls cawing was all calling me. I could taste the tangy salt against my lips. This was heaven or at least what I imagined it to be. A place of warmth and happiness.
As unconsciousness enveloped me, I swore I heard my mother's voice shouting my name. Was I finally going to see her? However, it had been Bailey fanatically calling me to stay awake. She found me lying in a pool of my blood. I tried staying focused on what she was saying but the last thing I remembered hearing was high pitched wailing.
Several days later I woke up to beeping from the hospital monitor. Bailey was beside me on a chair with her head on the mattress sleeping soundly. Gently taking my fingers I brushed her cheeks causing her eyes to gradually flutter open.
"Hey sissy," I said in a hoarse whisper. She just stared at me for a while then got up and gave me the biggest hug. Winching a little from the tight hold she quickly released me. I could see the internal battle raging behind her eyes.
"Please promise me you will never do this again Eve," she said sadly.
"Promise me," she repeated. She only called me Eve, when she was upset.
"Promise," placing my hand on my heart as I said the words. That was how we always made our promises.
"Do you know what it was to walk in and see you laying there in your own blood? All Mika did was scream and scream until the paramedics came. They had to sedate her. We came by the house because you were not returning our calls for over a week. We knew you were on vacation so we thought you would visit us, but we heard nothing, being the worry wart I am we decided to check on you. We were so scared we would lose you when we found you barely breathing."
The three we have practically camped out the entire time they've had you here. The security keeps tossing us out. The girls are in the cafeteria getting coffee. The doctors said once you were awake, we get to take you home."
They waited for the doctor to stop by to give me one last check up before they took me home after his approval for release. They had been my personal bodyguards for months after. Every day one of them would sleep over at my house trying to convince me to go see a phycologist. That was the last suggestion the doctor had made to them when we were leaving the hospital. I refused the suggestion and told them I would be fine. After all I had three mother hens suffocating me. The only pleasure that came out of all the hovering was my beautiful little Kaylie. She was there with me two days out of the week. I loved her unconditionally. We did tea parties, dress up and watched all the princess movies we could find.
"Evie, Evie are you listening to me."
I was brought out of my reverie to Bailey shaking my shoulders.
"Yes, I'll make the appointment to see a doctor next week."
Getting up from my chair I went to the sink to wash my dishes. The rest of the day was spent cleaning. Bailey did the dusting and vacuuming while I did the laundry and folding. We ended up taking out five large garbage bags. The house had indeed been a mess. She had finished dusting the living room and we were about to sit down when I heard her say my name. There was something in her hands and she was smiling.
"I can't believe you kept this picture." Staring down at it I couldn't help but give a halfhearted smile as well.
"That was a fun day." It was a picture of the four of us splattered in paint. We had been playing paint ball with Felix and Andrea. We had been laughing hysterically because we were trying to figure out how Leah got shot under her arms. Mika had gotten hit on her butt, Bailey on her boobs and me in my face. Thank God for the goggles. Calming down from all the belly rolling Leah had finally explained she had put her hands up to surrender when Felix pelleted her. Had been a reasonable enough explanation. The picture had captured the joy between the four of us. Delight clearly written on our faces.
"I got to go but I will be waiting for your call so I can take you to the doctor's appointment. The earlier the better."
Nodding in agreement I watched her walk out the door.
After she left, I flopped down on my couch in the living room and started scrolling through my laptop for doctors in the area. It took me about three hours of searching before I found one, I was remotely interested in seeing. His credentials as well as his client's comments were enough for me to give him a try. Nothing beats a try, after all I do not want the old bats to be breathing down my neck. Closing the lap top I felt the craving hit me like a ton of bricks. I needed my bottle. Bailey had poured out all of them. Needing to get my mind off it I picked up the remote flicking through the channels until I got to Pride and Prejudice. This had indeed been a long a trying day.
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