Chapter 9
Early the next morning I hear footsteps running up the stairs. Confused and now alert I climbed out of bed. My bedroom door was flung open and standing behind it was my mum. Her cheeks were read and her breathing ragid from running up the stairs.
"What's wrong mum?" I ask.
She smiles and holds out an envelope addressed to me.
"Nothings wrong honey. Sorry I should have read it, bur it's great news!"
I open the envelope to reveal a typed letter waiting inside for me.
"Dear Hazel Lancaster.
I am very happy to I'm inform you that you have been successful in securing a job at my bookshop."
The rest of the letter explains my rate of pay and holidays. I don't care if the moneys crap, I just need a job to get me off the ground. I look up at my mum and smile, I have a job! My mum congratulates me in a warm embrace, I busy my face in her shoulder.
I am happy, extremely happy but its always moments when I'm this happy that I think of Augustus. Even if I die tomorrow I've done so many things that he never can. He'll never graduate from college, never have a job, never breathe again.
Once my mum had left my room I cover my mirror with a blanket. Susan recommended this to us yesterday, to help us forget about body image. After all out of sight, out of mind.
She gave us a few other tips such as throwing out magazines (full of celeb pics) and wearing clothes that flatter your body. I rummage through my wardrobe, nothing flatters my body anymore, they all hang off me.
So once again I wear the blue dress that I wore to Oranjee, except I wear thick tights underneath. Winter is definitely on its way now. Its only early October but there a sharp chill in the air. I who's over to my desk and open my laptop, I think its time I sent an email to Mr and Mrs Waters, we haven't corresponded for a while.
I started by asking how they were and that I hoped they were both in good health. I then go on to tell them about my mums pregnancy and my job. My reply comes minutes later, as usual short and sweet.
They never say much about themselves anymore but who could blame them? I headed downstairs for breakfast, in the kitchen my mum has laid out a glass of mango juice and a bacon roll. She offers me a reassuring smile.
"Just take your time."
The second the food touches my lips my stomach is instantly rejecting it. I feel the constant urge to spit it all back out but I wash everything down with my mango juice. About a quarter of the way through I lie my head on the table.
My mum rubs my shoulder, "You can stop there." She says, but I shake my head. Its too easy to give up, I have to keep going.
There's times when I feel like I have to rush to the bathroom but I stay put. Once I stop eating I know it'll be hell for me to start again. When the bacon roll is gone my mum takes the plate away to the sink. I rest my head in my hands. I feel gross, bulbous, ugly.
There's a voice in the back of my mind telling me this isn't true, but something else silences it.
"I'm proud of you." My mum says before dragging me into the living room to watch tv.
After a while I text Kaitlyn, knowing it'll be break at my old high school.
"Guess who got the job?"
":D That's great! So happy for you!"
"Want to come around after school?"
I don't even ask mum, she never objects to Kaitlyn coming over. Infact she always says I'm unsociable, it's not my fault that people are dickheads.
Around 4.15pm there's a knock at the door, knowing it's Kaitlyn I answer it. When I open the door a string gust of wind blows a bundles of orange leaves I to the hallway. Kaitlyn rushes in, her teeth chattering.
She's wearing a brown t-shirt, denim jeans and a harry potter Gryffindor scarf. She looks at me for a moment too long, and I wonder if she knows. However if she does she doesn't say anything.
"Darling! Congratulations!" She squeals, throwing her arms around me.
My mum must've heard all the commotion because she comes through to investigate.
"Mrs Lancaster! Baby's defiantly on the way then!"
For the first time I really look at my mums baby bump. It has definitely got larger and rounder. What a month ago could've been mistaken for a layer of fat is now a round and defined bump.
"Oh believe me, there's one heck of a big baby in there!" My mum says, we're all laughing and it all seems so surreal.
Surreal because I know the cancer inside me could take my life in a second, it could've took my life years ago, and this moment wouldn't exist. Kaitlyn and I wouldn't be standing here, Kaitlyn would be in her house and I'd be 6 feet under. A shiver rubs up my spine but nobody notices and I don't let on, I don't want to ruin the moment.
Kaitlyn and I head upstairs to mt bedroom, I take a seat on my chair while Kaitlyn takes a seat on the edge of my bed.
"Can I ask you something?" I nod my head, anticipating her question.
"Have you ever like.... Done it?" She ask, knowing full well what she means I decide to tease her.
"Done what?" I ask, shrugging my shoulders and trying to seem innocent. Kaitlyns cheeks turn a strange tinge of pink, "You know.... Done it?"
I shake my head, "I have no idea what your trying to say."
She sighs and throws her arms up in exasperation.
"Sex! Have you had sex?" We both burst out laughing and I grip the stitch in my stomach. Once we've calmed down Kaitlyn raises her eyebrows.
"Well.... Have you?"
I smile a little. "Once.... With Gus. You?"
As she ponders sarcastically whether to tell me or not I feel like a giggly girl in high school once more.
"Actually yes.... Well I think it counts as sex."
Her voice trails off and I smile, "You think it counts?"
Kaitlyn taps the space on the bed next to her and I move over so I can sit with her.
"I had a fling with a woman..." She says, I try to say something but she doesn't let me start my sentence nevermind finish it.
"We used a strap on dildo and other sex toys. I actually really...."
"Woah!" I interrupt, "Please! Don't get too graphic!"
Kaitlyn giggles, "This hasn't been the first time that her and I have slept together, her names Millie." I smile, "Does she make you happy?"
From the tone of of Kaitlyns voice I can tell she thinks alot of her.
"Well.... Yes she does sexually. But I suppose she's meant to."
Confused, I ask "Why is she meant to?"
Kaitlyns voice is now a whisper, "Well, she's a lesbian prostitute."
"Jesus!" I shout, not caring suddenly if my mum hears.
"Kaitlyn, if your lesbian and looking for lesbian sex, why don't you go to a lesbian club or something? Or a lesbian dating site?"
Her lips form a straight pucker, she thinks I'm mocking her.
"I'm being dead serious. Go to a club or an even and just like, have casual lesbian sex."
Kaitlyn stares at the ground and shrugs, "Too nervous to go on my own."
I pull out my laptop and begin typing.
"What are you doing?" She asks. I reply without looking up from my laptop,
"Looking for a club you can go to. I'll go with you."
By the time Kaitlyn has to go I've found a club specially for lesbians, where they could bring along friends of any sexuality for support.
"This coming Saturday, I'll take you. So you can stop hiring Millie."
I walk Kaitlyn out to her car, "You don't sag anything to anyone? Your the only one I've told."
"Don't worry, my lips are sealed."
I go back inside and shake my head. What was Kaitlyn thinking hiring a prostitute? This Millie could have hurt her, exposed her or took her money and run. However hopefully now she wont require Millie's services anymore once I've took her to this club and she see's that there are easier and safer ways to meet lesbians searching for casual sex.