"Be with someone who wants to see you grow."
-Toni Payne
If you give light and attention to anything it will grow. You have to choose what you nurture. You have to determine what is important to see germinate and what should be put to rest. What things in your life are you willing to water, place in the right amount of sunlight, and repot when it outgrows its space? More importantly what needs to be stomped out like a used cigarette?
I had stood in my bathroom mirror for thirty minutes practicing what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. If the walls could talk, they would have given me an earful of how utterly stupid I looked. But I needed the boost of confidence.
It started with the outfit. Everything in my closet was screaming 12-year old boy. Nothing was speaking to me or gave a hint of seduction. What am I saying? It's not that I was going for seduction, but I wanted Finn to look at me and want to automatically punch himself in his face for all of his stupidity.
In the end I decided to rummage through my mother's closet for something remotely enticing. I chose a white sheer button up and figured I could make do with some leggings. Just to be a tease I grabbed a white lace bralette from out shopping trip. It was like the blush one I had worn to his house however you couldn't see my nipples through this one.
I had my script; I knew what I wanted to say. Finn needed to finally get it through his thick skull how I felt about Carly. I needed to understand why he didn't have the same beliefs. And for some stupid reason I needed validation. Something that told me I was beyond good enough; despite any type of reassurance he gave in the past verbally it wasn't connecting to his current actions. But I must say, all of that went out the window when I climbed up the ladder to the treehouse and saw him.
He sat with his back to me staring through the skylight of the tree house. The ends of his hair brushing past his shoulders were curling into waves. I could tell he had just showered recently. It was amazing he could take my breath away and I hadn't even come face to face yet.
This was something I wanted to water, and watch grow. Finn reminded me of a sunflower with his blonde mane. He was tall like the plant reaching heights I never would. I had the desire to be the sun, the nutrients he needed to drink in to thrive. No matter the time of day sunflowers always face the sun. That's the type of attention I needed in my life.
I wanted to call out to him or grab his attention in some way so he could drink in my appearance, but I couldn't think of anything to say. I couldn't even think of the first thing on my list that I wanted to yell at him about so instead I plopped down next to him wishing I had an ounce of grace that would have made the action of me sitting more attractive.
Thank God he was the first to speak. His eyes never left the skylight, so I did my best to focus my attention on the same area. "I'm sorry for trashing your living room." I couldn't help my lazy smile when I noticed he made no mention of punching August.
I stole a glance at the side of his face quickly mapping out his freckles in my mind before looking back up at the skylight. "No mention of why you were trashing my living room?" I hadn't meant the playfulness in my voice. I wanted to be mad. I wanted to rip him a new one. So why did I feel so weak. When he didn't respond I nudged his arm with my shoulder.
"Fine." I got swept up in those stormy blue eyes the moment they met my own. Why was I mad again? "I'm not going to lie I may have been a little upset about you spending time with August. Don't get me wrong: it's not that you can't hang out with whoever you want just... I don't know why I let him get under my skin."
Did August's words get under his skin because what he saying was true? I don't know why that question got lost on the tip of my tongue. "Why was Carly at your house so long?" The words were sharp like jagged stone. I hadn't meant them to be abrasive, but that's the thing about jealousy. It knows how to play its role; it knows how to dig its fingers into your mind and steer your thoughts and feelings to match its own.
I watched Finn's chest rise and fall as he took a deep breath. His unwavering eye contact made me forget what I had just asked. I didn't have a leg to stand on as long as he kept looking at me like that. "Ok, just listen. I know you're going to want to interrupt but just let me get it all out while I can." The end of his sentence had a waiver to it. It made me nervous. With a shaky breath he continued. "I have wanted you since we were little Ryland. I didn't quite know then at what capacity, but I always wanted you next to me."
His eyes dropped to his lap and a hint of pink dotted the tips of his ears. "I didn't know how to express it and believe me I tired. But the more I did the more it seemed either you didn't notice, or you didn't feel the same way. So I put you on ice. I became content with just being your friend."
I couldn't help but interrupt. "On ice?"
Finn gave a half smile before looking back at me. "Yeah it means that I knew nothing would ever happen between us but instead of stomping out my feelings I set them aside for a later date in hopes that would change. Kind of like keeping a something in the freezer to preserve it until it's time to thaw and cook it."
I nodded in understanding despite the fact that I felt like I was being compared to hamburger meat. He continued as I pondered over the thought. "So I started dating other people. Then eventually I got fixated on Carly. She reminded me of you in the sense that I couldn't have her. I was obsessed with the idea of her. But I liked her, I really did Ry. That's probably the last thing you want to hear but it's the truth. And it killed me that both of you couldn't coexist in my life.
"I thought the conflict came from my loyalty to you, but it was more than that. I had never extinguished my feelings for you, and I was acting on them towards Carly. It was wrong. I'm wrong for that but being selfish for once felt good."
I closed my eyes evaluating his words. It was just nights ago my mother was persuading me not to be selfish. Come to find out selfishness is what has gotten us into this rift to begin with. "Why didn't you just tell me you liked me Finn? All of this could have been avoided."
A blanked of confusion washed his face. "Your joking right? I feel like I've been screaming it from mountain tops since I was five. When I finally worked up the nerves to kiss you, you couldn't get away from me fast enough. I had finally got my answer that you didn't feel the same way I did." Finn raked his hands through his hair making it look desirably disheveled. I can't even keep my thoughts in order and he's not even trying to seduce me. He's been talking about another girl for the last twenty minutes, yet all my mind could flutter to is the view I had of him shirtless tangled in his bedsheets.
He had never been so wrong. "Finn. It's not that I couldn't get away from you fast enough. I was scared. I just...I've never felt like that before. I've never been kissed like that before." This is something he should have known; how could he have read my reaction so utterly wrong. My eyes fell to his lips. I had been wanting to kiss him again since the first time his lips graced mine under this very skylight of his treehouse.
It was then his eyes traced over my appearance as if it was his first time seeing me. Despite my slightly revealing outfit his attention lingered longer on my face than anywhere else. Especially my lips. It was like a magnet was pulling me closer to him. I didn't have a rational thought telling me to pump the breaks. I only wanted to feel him closer to me again.
So I did.
Finn tasted of mint as I pulled back from our kiss smiling against his lips. The small kiss wasn't enough for him as his lightly pulled my wrist bringing my lips back to his I closed my eyed and sank into the kiss. I could have gotten completely lost in that moment but then I realized he hadn't actually answered my question. I placed my hand at the center of his chest lightly pushing him back.
"Wait if you liked me so damn much why the hell would you sleep with Carly?" My attitude was back, and I was slowly remembering my list of issues I had with Finn that needed to be addressed.
"You told me to!" I gasped at his stupid reply and before I knew it, I was on my feet pacing around the treehouse.
"Are you mad? I never said that! I would never say that!"
Finn scratched the back of his head then looked up at me. "Admittingly that's not exactly what you said but that's what I heard." He stood but kept a safe distance between us as if he expected me to take a swing at him. "You told me to show her how I felt." Finn placed his hands on his hips and took a deep breath. "If it counts for anything, I knew it was stupid right after it happened. I've been beating myself up since because it was for all the wrong reasons.
"That's why Carly was at my house for so long today. I didn't want her to leave thinking that something was wrong with her."
"There's plenty wrong with her Finn!" His explanation wasn't making sense to me in that moment I needed more. Yes, I had told her to show her how he felt but I didn't mean sleeping with her. I hadn't known he would take it so literal.
Finn scrunched his eyebrows. "That's not what I mean Ry. I'm saying I didn't want her to think our breakup was because there was an underlying issue with her. It was never about her. We should have never been together, and I shouldn't have slept with her. I didn't need my selfishness messing with how she sees herself. I'm not making sense." Finn slide his back down the wall until he reached the floor to be seated again.
He thought he hadn't made sense, but it was crystal clear to me. Finn didn't know what he was doing in this life anymore than I did. He was making mistakes in attempts to get closer to me and I was doing the same.
I crossed the open space of the treehouse and straddled him the way I had in his bedroom. Were things solved between us? Absolutely not. But I was fully content with this space of the unknown. "Do you like me Finn?"
I knew the answer. He had said it in more ways than one. Through his jealousy of August, through his relationship with Carly, as the five-year-old boy stealing jewelry to make me happy. He had even already said it in this conversation.
Finn smacked his teeth. "Do you need me to spell is out to you?"
I liked how that sounded so I shook my head in agreeance. Finn decided to spell it out to me in script with his tongue. When I pulled back from our kiss to catch by breath Finn surprised me by asking, "So...what happened between you and August?"
The laughter that erupted from me bounced off the walls of the treehouse. It wasn't long until Finn joined in.
Completely over due and very unedited. Not that it ever is lol thanks for coming back to read more don't forget to vote !