PROLOGUE
She didn't want this life anymore, Tina Kennard reminded herself as she pulled into the driveway of her family's home that she had left a few months earlier. She tried so hard not to know it, but the truth kept insisting itself to her. Tina turned off her car that she had loaded with all the things she had taken when she moved out of the house. She was here to say good bye to her daughter and pick up a few boxes, she reminded herself. She and Bette Porter, her mocha skinned, biracial wife, had agreed that it would be best for their daughter, Angie to stay with Bette in Los Angeles while Tina got herself settled. She was taking advantage of this very big career opportunity in Toronto that required her uprooting herself for half the year. Angie may be her biological daughter, but both Bette and Tina were her legal parents. Tina didn't want to drag Angie into all this change that was being built on an uncertain foundation. She knew Bette and the rest of their chosen family would provide the necessary support Angie would need as she got used to the changing situation with her parents.
Tina stepped out of her car and headed to the house. She and Bette had been together for almost 21 years, that was a long time and they had built an entire life together. Tina took a few more steps towards the door. Somewhere along the line, Tina decided she wasn't happy with this life. She wasn't even really sure when her feelings changed, but this life was not enough for her anymore. She equally loved and hated Bette. Bette had been watching Tina fall apart for months before the decision to move out was made. In reality, Bette had probably been a witness to Tina's distress for years and just didn't know how to help the unsettled, crazy woman that she had become. She had exhausted Bette with her passive/aggressiveness, at least that is what one of the many therapists had told her.
Tina was a white, middle aged mother who set everything aside for her family, for her wife. Now that Angie was a teenager, it was her turn, she kept telling herself. She had tried to tell herself that this was a midlife crisis and it would pass, but when she was offered the Executive Producer position for the Golden Chalice, she was ecstatic. The thought of going to Toronto and exploring what her full potential could be as a producer consumed her every thought. What a catastrophe her life had become. What a criminal jerk to proceed so deep in this marriage only to leave it. We both knew there was something wrong with me and Bette had lost all her patience. All that was left was crying and fighting. They were weary as only couples whose marriage was collapsing can be weary and Angie was caught in the middle.
Tina was at the door. Wasn't she proud of all they had achieved, the prestige? She had actively participated in every aspect of this life, but it was all Bette, she thought. She had been overwhelmed by her sense of duty, being number two in a power couple, housekeeper, social calendar, and primary parent. Tina knew she had already left the marriage, she was just still in Los Angeles. There were too many reasons why she didn't want to be Bette's wife any longer. Much of it had to do with her own issues, but a good portion of the troubles were due to Bette's issues as well. It was only natural, there are two people in a marriage, two votes, two opinions, to conflicting sets of decisions, desires and limitations.
Tina knocked on the door of the house she helped purchase. I don't want this life anymore, she told herself again as the door opened and she faced Bette with Angie standing behind her. Bette and Angie stepped aside letting Tina pass through the door. Bette could barely look at Tina and Angie had been crying the redness and puffiness still evident in her eyes. Bette had the boxes she had requested sitting at the door. There wasn't going to be a long good bye, neither of them wanted it for themselves nor for Angie. Tina had so many reasons for leaving her family, but there were so many reasons to stay. Bette had so many wonderful qualities about her, why she loved her, why she wanted to be her wife and why at times she felt she couldn't live her life with out her. Tina sighed as Bette helped her put the boxes in her car.
Angie just stood at the door and watched, shutting off her emotions much like Bette had already done. Tina looked at Bette and then walked over to Angie. She took her daughter in her arms, feeling the struggle Angie was having controlling herself. Tina pulled back and took Angie's face between her hands and looked deep into her beautiful dark brown eyes that were so much like Bette's. She gave her a sad smile and said, "I love you and I will see you in a few months." Tina then kissed Angie on the forehead. She let Angie go, turned, walked to her car and slid into the driver seat. Bette didn't look at her, but Tina could see the tears welled up in her eyes.
It was Tina's resolve that got her to start the car and pull out of the drive way. As she looked out her rear view mirror she thought the only thing more unthinkable of leaving was staying; the only more impossible thing then staying was leaving. She wasn't trying to hurt anyone, she just wanted to slip quietly away without causing any problems or consequences and then not stop until she was in Toronto.
*********
Chapter One
One year later
Why did everything have to be harder alone? Bette blew out an exasperated breath as the car in front of her backed into the parking space she wanted. It was the third time it had happened. Ever since she moved to Silver Lake close to three years ago, she had struggled getting used to driving and parking a car again. New York with all its hustle and bustle had public transportation, cabs and private drivers, all of which Bette used during the ten years she spent living there with... Bette sighed.
She circled another the block, creeping along a line of cars slowed by stop signs and street lights at every corner. Strolling seemed to be the new thing. It seemed wherever Bette went she had to slow down for a pedestrian. Silver Lake, with its growing LGBT community seemed to have traded cars for bikes and walking.
Was someone pulling out in the next block? She couldn't see for sure around the SUV in front of her. Tears stung her eyes. She had gone months feeling like her old self, neck deep in the election to distract her, and now parking was welling up her eyes. She thought she had gotten the tears under control, maybe just hormones she thought wiping her eyes. Before they moved to New York, usually one of them drove while the other scouted for a parking spot. A perfect collaboration and then it wasn't. At this rate she would be late for breakfast, but then, when wasn't she late.
Bette's two best friends were already eating when she walked into Modern Eats, a popular eatery that the three friends had frequented since moving to Silver Lake. Alice Pieszecki was very animated as usual and Shane McCutcheon just nodded while sipping coffee.
"Finally," Alice exclaimed, "I was starting to think you were bailing, like last night."
A waitress came up giving Bette a seductive smile as Bette pulled up a chair. "Good morning Ms. Porter, it's nice seeing you this morning." Bette gave her food order without looking up, before Alice continue. Once Alice starts telling a story, getting her to stop, was like standing in front of a train.
Alice had been watching the waitress and Bette ignoring her. She then glanced over at Shane who had also been watching the exchange. Alice then began again with her elaborate description of the previous evening events, when suddenly Alice jumped up waving to four people walking in the door.
"Sophie Suarez and Sarah Finley are working on my show, Dani Nunez is Sophie's girlfriend. If you guys hung around, I would've introduced you to them last night," Alice said sharply.
" Alice," Sophie and Finley said in unison.
"Great party last night," Sophie said, "Totally wasn't expecting the gossip."
Just as Alice was about to introduce her friends, Dani, who had been staring at Bette, said, "Aren't you Bette Porter? Theeeee Bette Porter running for Mayor?"
"Yep, Theeee Bette Porter and she is going to be the next Mayor of Los Angeles," Alice squealed, "And, we are going to be there for the whole ride!"
Sophie looked at her inquisitively. Alice Pieszecki was the creative force behind the talk show Alice. As the Line Producer, Sophie was used to surprises coming from its host.
"Are you going to be appearing on Alice? What a great opportunity to discuss your platform," Dani said. "Although, I don't agree, especially your stance on the Opioid crisis".
Bette shifted slowly to get a better look at Dani, trying to figure out this brazen young woman.
Bette gave her the best disarming smile she could muster. "I agree, a very complicated issue."
Shane watched, not really sure what to say. She had seen that look on Bette's face before and knew nothing good would come of it.
"I met Micah Lee last night," Shane blurted out, attempting to change the subject.
Sophie stood in shock. Dani spoke her mind and was used to conflict. This was not that going to end well and could cause Sophie a problem with Alice.
"Micah's a Social Worker." Sophie said, helping Shane defuse the tension that had started to build.
It was Micah who had introduced Shane to Lisa Wright, a visiting Professor at USC. Lisa had kept Shane busy, as Alice had alluded, but not for all the reasons Alice had thought. Lisa had mentioned something that unsettling Shane and it had been on her mind ever since.
"A Social Worker? Wow, I could never do that," Alice said sincerely.
Micah smiled, he heard that all the time. "I'm actually trying to finish my PhD," he said matter of factly.
Shane didn't say a word, still thinking about her dilemma. Should she say something to the others? She couldn't believe this can of worms was opening up again.
"Our table is ready," Dani said, we should probably go." The foursome said their good byes. Alice watched Finley stop at every pretty girl as she followed the others to their table.
"Were we ever that young." Alice paused, "So... what's the scoop on this Lisa?" Alice turned her attention over to Shane.
Shane choked on her coffee, not expecting the conversation to shift to her so quickly.
"Lisa is in Los Angeles preparing for a couple classes she will be teaching in the Gender and Sexuality Program at USC. She apparently wrote a book," Shane said flatly.
"Seriously, Shane, what were you doing last night, or do I even have to ask," Alice said with a wink. "Both of you were gone before things got interesting," looking over at Bette.
"I don't like leaving Angie alone at night," Bette said, trying to give an excuse so she didn't have to discuss the real reason. "How does Nat feel about you being out late partying," Bette said trying to shift the attention away from herself.
"It's work, and she knows it," Alice said sipping her coffee. "She was there longer than either of you little shits," she said sarcastically.
"So are you going to see Lisa again?" Alice asked, looking over her coffee mug at Shane.
"I'm not sure, but ya know how it is." Shane said dismissively, looking at Bette, hoping her thoughts were not noticeable. Trying to hide anything from these two was a challenge.
Bette could see that Shane had more to say, but was holding back. She looked at both the women sitting at her table and thought how far they had come. She wasn't sure how she would have handled the very hard and emotional break up with Tina, without them. Coming back to Los Angeles, home, she thought would have solved all their marital problems but it only added to the emotional turmoil. Now trying to start over, without Tina, she thought feeling her eyes begin to water again, it just wasn't the same.
"What are you leaving out?" Alice said laughing at Shane.
Shane looked at both women. She had only been back for a few weeks. Her move from Europe prompted not only by Bette's need for support after her divorce and untimely death of her older sister, but also Shane's own emotional turmoil from her separation from Quiera. Things had changed a great deal since her last visit to Los Angeles. Alice was happy, happier than Shane could ever recall thanks to Natalie Bailey. Angie was older emotionally and Bette was more sensitive all because of the missing person in their family. The watering up of Bette's eyes didn't go unnoticed, by Shane. Clearly Bette was thinking about something and she was sure it had to be about Tina. No one saw their break up coming. They had such a tough time on their journey to being together, but finally things worked themselves out and they were the perfect family with Angie, at least that is what everyone thought. Bette was struggling more than she let on from loosing Tina and loosing her older sister Kit so soon after, this left the usually strong confident Bette an emotional mess. Shane would do anything to help her, she was family and that is what family does.
Alice slowly drank her coffee, sensing something serious. She stayed quiet while she watched Shane stare at Bette. The three of them had been through so much, Alice tried to hide her own eyes welling up. West Hollywood (WEHO) had been a special time for them and the circle of friends they had built around them. Alice looked across the room at Sophie and her friends, we were so much like them when we were young, yet so different. The times were different, God the politics were different. Alice recalled flying to Washington, DC to hold a sign in front of the Supreme Court the day the United States made same sex marriage legal, she chuckled to herself. Bette and of course Tina were the heart of this group that became a family. But like everything, life has a way of changing things, she thought sadly.
Shane sighed, "Lisa is going to teach a class about The book and movie Lez Girls," Shane said holding Bette's eyes and pouring all the support she could in her look. "A series of articles will be coming out that will be about the timeliness of this class and the relevance of this book when it came out."
Bette just stared at Shane as the coffee cup slipped from her hands.
******
Insomnia had stolen another night sleep from Bette, as if a billboard on Broadway flashing, GET A LIFE outside her window. She slipped from under the covers glancing at the the clock as she headed downstairs. 3am like clockwork, Bette thought, it seemed like every night on the nose she woke up and could not get back to sleep, though tonight her mind seemed to ruminate about the past. Moonlight came through the blinds and helped her find her way to her office downstairs. Her laptop sat on top of her desk with the never ending emails that always awaited her.
Bookshelves spread across an entire wall covered with Art History, Museum, Gallery and a few random classic books stacked in each section. Bette had bought so many books over the years, many of which were purchased while she was on vacation with her now ex-wife. She sighed, each book had its own memory, the Louvre Book of course was their Paris trip celebrating their 5th anniversary, the Bargello National Museum the trip Bette visited Tina while she was filming in Florence, the Argentina National Art Gallery another anniversary and so on. Bette smiled sadly as she looked at the shelves with its gapping holes that once held Tina's books.
Bette sat at her desk and reached into the side draw pulling out a dusty picture of her and Tina from years ago, way before their daughter Angie had been born. It was just before Tina had moved into Bette's craftsman home. Tina's eyes sparkled with anticipation of her new journey she was about to start with Bette, her arm causally wrapped around Bette's waist. Tina was wearing that damn Yale shirt, where was that shirt, she thought. Tina had said once, she wanted to be buried in it because she wanted to be wrapped in all the happy memories that went with that shirt. There were a lot more to follow, Bette thought to herself. Tina loved that shirt and Bette loved Tina.
Bette put the picture back in the draw covering it with folders. She didn't want Angie finding out she was still pinning for her other mother. Bette's head ached, a deep nagging reminder of how disappointed she was with her life, well at least her relationship with her ex-wife. She closed her eyes and rubbed her throbbing temples. Like a prospector panning for gold, she swirled the past, searching for hints of understanding where her life went so wrong. Her thoughts returned to Tina.
After awhile, Bette turned to her desk, grabbed her glasses and switched on the laptop. She knew she wasn't going back to sleep anytime soon, so why not review the speech Pierce Williams, her Campaign Manager sent over. He said the speech in front of City Hall would be important. He wanted it and her perfect for that event. She shook head, perfect, something she surely was not.
********
Bette walked into the high end restaurant and made her way over to Felicity. Felicity was sitting at their usual table, one taunt leg crossed over the other, a glass of red wine at her lips
"Sorry I'm late," Bette gave an apologetic smile, as she looked over the well dressed African American woman sitting across from her.
"It's okay, I haven't been here long," she smiled as she leaned in and said, "I got us a room."
Bette glanced out at the main door watching a couple walk in, nothing special about them other than they were clearly a couple. "Okay, but lets sit for a few minutes," Bette said as she continued to follow the couple with her eyes. The couple were holding hands and having what looked like an intimate conversation as they made their way to their table. Bette turned and looked at Felicity and sighed. What am I doing, Bette thought. It was just another nail in her coffin of loneliness. She was nearly enclosed in it with no way out. Bette liked Felicity more than the others, but she new this was only temporary. It filled a need and she made it clear it was nothing more. Bette had broke the affair off after the scandal at the Department of Cultural Affairs (DCA). Felicity worked for her and Bette new better, but...
"Buy me a drink then," she smiled.
Bette gave her a rise smile, "Okay," she said flagging down the waitress ordering another red wine and a top shelf Scotch neat.
"How is the Campaign going? I saw you on the News," Felicity said trying to make small talk.
"Busy, it is really picking up now. Lots of speeches, I have one tomorrow at City Hall."
The waitress returned with their drinks and smiled, giving a wink at Bette.
"I swear, is it everywhere?" Felicity said with annoyance.
A half hour later, they walked out into the parking lot, the night was cool but not uncomfortable. The darkness smelled strong, like rain, dirt and metal mixed. The rain had stopped before she arrived and the mugginess hung in the air, making it seem thick. The street lamps looked smothered, weak globes of light trying to penetrate the moisture. She liked it. It made the night all the more interesting. As if one was walking through time as it stood still. Pierce is probably sweating bullets, Bette thought. He set up her speech for outside City Hall, a sad smile rose to her face. He said the ambiance would help sell her as a leader for the city. The rain for sure would mess up his perfect set up.
"Follow me, it's at the Hilton." Felicity smiled.
"The Hilton like last time?" Bette confirmed with a tight lipped smile.
Felicity turned back and nodded at Bette with a seductive smile as she made her way to her car. Bette walked up to her Tesla and slid into the driver seat. She put her head on the steering wheel and closed her eyes. A few minutes later she started the car and headed over to the Hilton.