CURIOSITY get the best out of me.
Nagmamadali akong tumungo sa kama at doon umupo. Pakiramdam ko kasi parang jelly ace ang mga tuhod ko dahil sa panlalambot at pwede akong mabuwal any time. I was preoccupied that I forgot about the chair just in front of my study table where I was standing near a few minutes ago.
I go through pages to pages of the documents that is along the pictures. Wala akong pinalampas. Pinag-aralan ko ring mabuti ang mga larawan. Maybe this is photoshopped? But it seemed legit. I scanned the whole thing with shaking hands.
Unbelievable. This is crazy.
As the days went on, the more all these things get so confusing. Everything became too complicated– so difficult to comprehend. Everything is too much. Hindi pa nga ako tapos na intindihin at lubusang i-digest ang isang bagong impormasyon ay susundan na naman iyon ng isa pang nakakalitong impormasyon.
I saw nothing but pictures of an entire surgery of that kid. Hanggang sa naging kamukha niya si Stephan. As in kamukhang kamukha. Kopyang kopya. I was in daze after going through all of it not because I am amazed on how the doctor was able to do that but because of the fact that someone out there has exactly my bestfriend's face. I mean, my ex-bestfriend's face.
But the main question is,
Who is my bestfriend? Is it the copy or the original one?
Who copied his face and why?
Another is,
Why does Zykiel have all these information and how did he even get this? Isn't it confidential?
I massaged my temple as it pulsate in pain because of too much information. There are too many questions also that bombarded my head, all at once. Too much for me to digest.
When will all of these would end? Right, when he's gone– far gone.
Nahilo ako sa binasa at parang sasabog ang ulo ko sa sakit at pagkalito. I was just distracted by a soft knock. Maya maya pa ay bahagya bumukas ang pinto ng kwarto ko at sumilip si Aki.
"Mom, I'm home."
I frowned.
"Already?"
Now it's time for him to draw his brows into one line. More confused than I already am.
"You don't want me home yet?"
Oh no. Did I offended him with my question? Agad akong umiling.
"No. That's not what I mean. Parang kakaalis mo lang kasi and now you're back already."
Mas lalong nangunot ang kanyang noo. He stared at me, face painted with utter confusion. Mali ba ang mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig ko? Why do I feel so stupid under my son's confused stare?
"6:30 pm. If you haven't noticed it yet," he stated. Like it can make everything have some sense.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at agad napalingon sa wall clock. And true to his words, it's already 6 in the evening. Ganun ako katagal nakaupo rito? Pinag-aaralan ang lahat ng papeles at pictures na ibinigay ni Zykiel!? O baka naman ang pag-uusap namin ang nagtagal nang husto? O baka 'yong pag-iyak ko? Either of these three possible reasons, it is 6 in the evening already.
"Busy."
Napakagat labi ako at tumango na lang. Not bothering to keep the pictures and papers scattered on the floor and on the bed. Mas maghihinala lang siya na may problema kung gagawin ko 'yon. He's a smart kid. Smart enough to not keep things from him or everything between you two will be shitty.
He shrugged. "Where's dad?"
Tumayo ako at inayos na ang mga nagkalat na papel at pictures. I then neatly arranged it on the study table.
"Dunno."
Totoo namang hindi ko alam kung nasaan na ang lalaking 'yon. Hindi ko siya sinundan nang lumabas siya ng kwarto ko kanina at hindi rin naman siya bumalik.
I smiled to my son and walked pass him. Going downstairs to make some dinner for us. He just silently trailed behind me.
"What do you want for dinner?" tanong ko sa kanya.
"Anything tasty"
Hindi na ako sumagot. Nang makababa ng hagdan ay dumiretso ako sa kusina samantalang nagpaiwan naman siya sa sala para manood ng basketball.
"Aki, change your clothes first."
"Yes mom."
Pagdating ng kusina ay agad kong binuksan ang ref para maghanap ng maluluto. Nang mapagtantong naroon ang lahat ng kinakailangan kong rekados ay agad akong napangiti.
Perfect.
Isa-isa ko iyong kinuha at inilagay sa lamesa. Nang maayos na nailabas lahat ay inuna ko munang hiwain ang mga kailangang hiwain maliban sa karne. Binabad ko muna sa tubig para matunaw ang yelo.
I was busy cooking when the door at the far left side of the kitchen suddenly opened. It is a door heading to the backyard. After a few seconds, someone came into view. A man with ripped muscles on its right places exuding a dark aura, as usual, came in with plastic bags on both his hands. He was wearing a tight black shirt that hugged his body while he still wear the same ragged jeans this morning paired with a white adidas rubber shoes. Later on, his scent invaded the whole kitchen.
Mixed in the smell of sinigang.
I just stood there immobile while he glanced at me curtly. When he realized what I was doing he stared at the sinigang I was cooking. He stared at it like he was thinking of something. Pumikit siya ng ilang segundo then a boyish smile made its way to his lips.
"Am I invited to dine with 'ya?"
Nang marinig ang baritono niyang boses ay saka lamang ako nabalik sa tamang huwisyo. Wow. Marunong pala siyang magpaalam? Ngunit bago pa man ako makasagot ay naunahan na ako ni Aki na noo'y kakapasok lang ng kusina.
"Why not dad?"
Napakunot ang noo niya nang mapansin ang dala ng ama. Nilapitan niya si Zykiel at kinuha ang dalawang plastic bags saka tiningnan kung ano ang laman.
"Hi to you too, son" he said to him.
"Fruits." ngumisi si Aki sa ama nang mapansing maraming apple. His favorite, just like I do.
"Thanks dad!"
Hindi sumagot ang huli at ngumiti na lang. Ginulo niya rin ang buhok ng anak. Lumapit siya sa mesa saka nilapag ang dalawa pang plastic bag doon. Si Aki naman ay naghugas ng isang mansanas saka nilantakan.
"One is enough, okay?" paalala ko sa kanya na tinanguan niya lang. Gabi na kasi.
Tinalikuran ko na silang dalawa at ibinalik ang atensyon sa sinigang na niluluto. Habang abala ay narinig ko silang casual na nag-uusap habang naghihintay. Malayang nasasabi ni Aki ang iniisip sa kanya habang siya ay taimtim na nakikinig. Dahil doon ay napansin ko ang closeness nilang dalawa. May kinukwento si Aki tungkol sa isang bagay na ikinatawa ng bahagya ni Zykiel. Nang makitang natutuwa ang ama ay mas lalong ginanahan si Aki na magpatuloy. Excitement and happiness is evident in his voice. Hindi maikakailang komportable siyang kausap ang ama.
Bagay na ikinaselos ko. Alam kong normal lang iyon kasi ama niya naman ang kaharap niya. And I know he's the father but how can he be so casual with his son which was made out of his devilishness? How can he sit there with him as if nothing cruel was done by him? How can he show up and stay with us under the same roof as if we're a normal family? He trespassed! Kahit pinayagan siya ni Manang Tess, ako pa rin ang may-ari ng bahay.
"Mom!" I snapped out of my own thoughts when Aki shouted while shaking me in the waist. I blinked and I felt tears rolled down my cheeks. Realizing that my face is soaked in tears. That I unconsciously looked at them both.
"What's happening to you!?" he shouted again. Voice laced with worry.
Tiningnan ko kung saan nakaupo si Zykiel and he was there staring blankly at me. Doon ko narealize na nakatayo lang ako doon at nakatitig sa kanya ng masama habang umiiyak ng hindi ko namamalayan.
Tinanggal ko ang kamay ni Aki sa bewang ko at binalingan ang niluluto. Just to find out that the stove was turned off. Napapikit ako.
"Ihanda m-mo na ang lamesa, kakain na tayo," utos ko sa kanya na agad naman siyang tumalima.
I felt the dryness of my lips and throat as I speak so I get a glass of water and emptied it in two gulped. Nang medyo bumuti ang pakiramdam ay tinulungan ko si Aki sa paghahanda ng lamesa. Ganun din si Zykiel. Ngunit mahigpit ko siyang iniwasan. Parang napansin naman niya iyon kaya siya na rin mismo ang umiwas sa'kin.
Matapos magdasal ay nagsimula na kaming maghapunan. Tanging kalansing lang ng mga kubyertos ang maririnig sa buong dining area habang kumakain kaming tatlo. No one dared to speak. Even Aki. He didn't pushed it when he noticed that I am unwell. The entire time we ate together I never paid a glance to Zykiel. Which he do just the same.
Pagkatapos kumain ay nauna nang umakyat si Aki. He offered a help but I refused. Sumunod naman agad si Zykiel sa kanya habang ako ay nagpaiwan sa kusina para magligpit.
Pinunasan ko ang kamay matapos maghugas ng pinggan at lumabas na ng kusina. Pinatay ko ang mga ilaw pati na rin ang mga ilaw sa sala bago umakyat. Papunta ako sa dulo ng hallway para ibaba ang kurtina sa malaking bintanang naroon when I was halted 2 meters away. The moonlight illuminated the hallway and a rough silhouette of a man was standing at a door frame in one of the rooms on the second floor. Pinatay siguro ni Aki ang ilaw pag-akyat niya kaya madilim. Or maybe siya mismo ang may gawa.
Puro kwarto ang matatagpuan sa second floor samantalang mga entertainment purposes rooms naman ang sa ikatlong palapag ng bahay. Including the gym.
Zykiel.
So he's occupying the room at the end of the hallway? Hindi ko man lang alam 'yon given the fact na ako ang may-ari ng bahay.
I walked as if he was not there at ibinaba ang puting kurtina. When darkness embraced the house, hinanap ko ang switch na nasa kaliwang pader. Nang makapa iyon ay binuksan ko ang ilaw before adjusting it to dim lightings. When satisfied, aalis na sana ako at lalagpasan ulit siya nang bigla siyang tumayo sa harap ko.
"You hate me."
It was not a question. It was a statement.
"Why do you think so?" I fired back full of meanings.
Umigting ang panga niya. He's taller than me so he was towering over me. Yes, towering. We were that close.
Sinadya kong banggain ang balikat niya nang nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad at nilagpasan siya. Ngunit parang ako lang din naman ang nasaktan dahil ang tigas ng muscle niya. Nang dalawang metro na ang layo namin sa isa't-isa ay napahinto ako dahil muli siyang nagsalita.
"They said, mind can forget but not the heart. As cliche as it may fucking sound, I am somehow hoping that it make some sense."
Kumabog ang dibdib ko sa hindi malamang dahilan. Para bang may inaasahan. Nilingon ko siya pero likod niya ang nakaharap ko. Hindi ko alam pero nag-aabang ako ng karugtong sa sinabi niya.
Hinarap niya ako at tinitigan ng mariin sa mga mata. I saw sadness in his eyes but it was just for a sec. Parang dumaan lang at biglang naging blanko na ulit ang mga mata niya. Baka namalikmata lang ako lalo na't madilim.
"Please don't prove them wrong," huling saad niya bago ako tinalikuran at pumasok sa kanyang kwarto.
My heart ached when I heard him say that. His face was stoic while whispering those words to me, full of desperation.
He was emotionless but his tone says otherwise. He stand there coldly and so distant yet he sounds too desperate and begging. Full of pain that it seem so hard for him to say all those things but he still managed it through a whisper.
I just stood there after his door shut.
I stood there with tears in my eyes and my heart was clenching in pain. I was grieving for something I don't know. Ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. His words, his tone, it's full of pain and desperation that it made a hole in my heart.
Or maybe the hole was long there?
*****
–Pres