Third, 's Person POV
Forth wake up with no Beam or Ming in his apartment. Forth sigh heavily.
All conversation... everything that had happened.
Make him come to one conclusion.
... we like this, maybe because you are not ready after all...
One never thought Saturday morning would suddenly become so blue.
Restlessness. Aching. And worrisome.
For all of them...
Even when Beam tries to knock the door of the Kit room his own best friends, he has that foreign feeling tickling inside him.
Beam sure, he is not so surprised when he meets Phana whose the one that opens the door instead of the owners of the dorm, he can see innocent Wayo tailing behind him too.
" Pha... Nong Wayo... " Beam says awkwardly, his voice is low.
Phana sighs softly, Beam knows that Phana must have to know everything by now, well half of it, " Beam... " Phana says. His voices sound more than awkward
" Is Kit inside ?... " Beam asked.
Phana gulped " Kit... he going back home this early morning... "
Beam sigh heavily " Hmm...So I still late anyway...then...I... " Beam mumbles in low voices. He touch his nape, Beam can feel the burden and guilt inside him. He owns Kit an explanation, but the man is not there to listen.
" Beam, Can we talk first..." Phana asked carefully.
Beam nods, obviously notice Phana worries face. So Phana closed the door of Kit's dorm behind Phana, Wayo just keeps silence.
They walked to the nearby cafeteria, maybe for one good breakfast, it is. It's been a while anyway since Beam spending time with this lovely couple.
So Beam just follows where Phana and Wayo lead him. Honestly, Beam still doesn't know what to says... his mind is full with too many thoughts. Somehow he doesn't know how to start the conversation.
***
Phana took a quick glance at Beam, that sits in front of him then sipping his black coffee, " It's been a long time since you have to join us for breakfast. You don't know how much I miss these...with us like this. " Phana chuckles, Beam nods as he too agrees.
" Now I know... " Beam replied in the tease.
Beam has done with his chicken congee, taking the tissue out from the tissue box and wiped his mouth
" I believe you must know... about the thing..." Beam left brow slight up a bit, Beam sigh deeply, then sipping his hot green tea slowly.
No doubt, Phana know half of the story about him and Ming and Kit.
Phana nods " So... as you know, Beam, I... I heard everything from Kit...and you and Nong Ming... " Phana don't know which words are better, afraid of saying something that might hurt Beam.
" Hm, He must be crying a lot... Ming too, you know...he come to me. I never thought it can turn like this. Everyone keeps hurting... keep assuming... " Beam says, his tone of voices is sound disappointed.
" Beam, you know I suck handle thing like this. What is the truth then, Beamy ?... you and Nong Ming. It really confuses me, Beam...I mean you two... I would never think... Its something that so unexpected? To me, to us... " Phana sigh, he can feel himself become so wreck right now.
Beam fake laugh and shook his head " You know, Kit is the one, should be the first person deserved my explanation, so I will cut it short for you two Pha, Nong.
" Beam pause " You see, I can't be with someone that I adore as my own brother. That is the truth " Beam says truthfully.
Wayo nods, Phana still lost?
A long silence, only loud voice some from the other side of the table,
Just then he nods too, " Ah, Brother ... that really unexpected. I guess it works too. " Phana sigh gladly
" I know you deserve to know how it starts and when... But...Kit should know it first... " Phana nods " I know... so what would you do... Kit is already going back home... "
Beam laugh " Then I should come to him, right? "
Phana laugh " Yeah, you right..."
" Please hurry and tell him. I don't want any of us to get in the fight for something that we all can just talk... I know you knew these too, Kit is stubborn sometimes, but that is nothing new, right, Beamy? "
Beam nods " I know Pha ... I will bring him back. I am not home wrecker Pha... just trust me on these... " Beam says.
" Nong, maybe if you could...come to Ming dorm. I think he needs his best friend too..." Beam says before he gets up leaving the two love birds.
" See you again, Pha...Nong... "
And... you still owe a lot of story to us, Beamy...
Phana sigh, he still remember, that Kit's word keep ringing inside his head.
" If Beam falls him. If our Beam loves him... I will let him. I 'll be fine, Pha... I will hurt. But I know, I will be okay... If they love each other... I am ready to let go... " Kit says before he goes that morning.
Phana shook his head.
***
Driving pass by the busy city on Saturday morning is sure not so genius decision. People ready to spend their weekend. Loud honking from a pass by cars, the motorcycles now lot on the road, the riders ride freely, cut the line to another line, on busy traffic jam.
Needed 3 Hours to arrive at Kit parents house. The road is quite familiar but also quite awkward. Beam somehow could not remember how many time a year he was going through along this road for going home. Even home sound so very oddly. The only road that feels familiar for him this past year the road to Hope House.
Again, he hasn't met with his parents yet this year too. Beam somehow, become adjusted with the situation.
The security guard knows who he is. Although it's been a long time already. When he walked to the front house, he meets rather a well-known face.
" Phi Kheng...Sawadee khrap, Phi... " Beam says hello to Kit's older brother.
" Aw, wadee, Nong Beam ... It's been a long time na "
" Khrap Phi..." Beam records.
" Er er, now, are you here for Kit ?. " Beam Nods. " Are you going somewhere, Phi? "
" Err, I want to go to the gym. So Phi feels sorry na. We can't talk for long, so you can just go upstairs, Kit probably in his room. Phi going out first na... "
"Oh, dai Phi... " Beam replied.
Beam almost jog to climb the stair once he has permission, Kheng chuckles, shook his head " What with these two kids ?. Coming home just like the wind, unannounced, I almost have the same dilemma. " Kheng shook his head.
" Before, one time Kit have come home with that skinny boy follow him behind...also come and gone like a wind. Kids nowadays, I would never understand, tsk tsk " Kheng nag to no one, he scratches his nape while he walks to his car.
***
Knock, Knock, Knock
" Just go away, khrap... I didn't need anything... " Kit says loudly from inside his room. Thinking the maid is the one that knocked on his door room.
Knock, Knock, Knock
Kit sigh, walk to the door and turn the knob " Aww Bi, I am oka-- " Kit brow slightly up, furrow when he saw Beam instead of someone else he thought.
" What are you doing here? " Kit asked in cold voices.
With breathy face " Kit... let me in na...i am tired..." Beam says in shamelessly, as he walks straight to the bed inside before Kit can say anything.
Kit sigh softly " Pha...must told you and you even follow me here. Now, tell me it's only you... " Kit says, he rather seems in defence.
" Don't be disappointed na, it's only me. " Beam says.
Kit sigh deeply " So, what do you want, Beam hm? "
Beam sigh " To talk with you... "
Stillness accompanied them for quite a while
" I would not fight over a man with you, if that the reason you follow me here. " Kit breaks the silence.
" I am done with whatever happened, Beam...I am crying enough, and I am done. " Kit says, but God knows how much he is broken inside.
He far from done, but everything is undone... and Beam knows he can't let this happened.
Beam bit inside his cheeks, he sighs " Are you saying you are done without hearing my side of the story ? Because trust me, I know you need to know... everything..."
"I am sorry for broken my promises to you and Pha, I didn't mean to hide such thing from you na, Kit... It just happened. Before I realized, It has come to this. You... whatever you have in your mind, is all untruth. Can you listen to me, Kit...please na? I will come clean to you. "
Kit fake laugh " Come clean er ?. Beam, who are you ?. I have come to the point that I have no longer recognize my own best friend. I even don't know how much about him, but I bet you know... don't you ?. What are you ?. " Kit hissed.
" When all the trust, is so thin and I still try to be gullible, somehow I don't know how to trust anymore... " Kit's hand tremble.
His voices become low and Beam comes to hugging Kit immediately. Beam rub Kit's back slowly, Beam whisper " I am sorry... It's not like that na. We have nothing, but just as friends as brothers. I know it hard for you to believe, but trust me, that kid really fall for you head over heels. That is the only truth, that you should have believed.
I am sorry, that I am hurting you, blame it all on me, but Ming... He loves you so much, Kit... " Beam says, Kit once again crying, but he feels safe, somehow, now in his friend arms. His best friends sobbing.
" I am sorry..." Beam says softly.
They stop talking for a while, but just lay together on the bed. Side by side. Kit becomes calmer, and Beam pulled him closer to his arm, while Kit's head lay on his arm.
" I am still your asshole friend...the trouble maker...but I am not home wrecker..i refuse to be that kind of human, It's not me..."
" I know you are not..." Kit says.
Silent
Silent
Silent
" What are Beam's famous words? " Kit says. Beam chuckles and so does Kit
" Stop crying. You look ugly " Both of them saying at the same time.
" But I am still handsome... " Kit says and snort.
***
" Remember when my Mae and Pa told me that I can't be friends with someone without you two tagging along? " Kit nods.
Beam release small chuckles " Remember, how are my parents doing a background check with all my friends before he approved they can hang out with me, you and Pha? "
" I do remember, your Mae and Pa are so strict with you... every kid that comes over to your birthday party is so scared of your parents. We already 13, but Me and Pha the only one can be close to you... " Kit says.
" In that time, I didn't say much. I just follow whatever they told me. if Mae says, that my new friends are bad for me. then the next days I would stay away from them. There one time, my supposed to be new friends looking at me with full mad cow face. They saying that I am just people with so many money and nothin good, not worthy to be friends with to other kids. People even call me bully and that time I finally understand, I have no other friend beside you two.
When I am 15, I start to be cold with the others, because what is the point, in the end, only you two would understand me... I fight a lot, you two save my ass every time then, we become popular guys in the school, girls come to us. I learned every bad thing that my parents don't want me to do. until they have a headache. I am their rebel son, after all, I am your and Pha, the asshole friend. " Beam says, he laughs and Kit laugh too.
" I met with Ming, early during our first-year time. Remember when I told you two, that I help someone when her car is broke down at the town at that time? " Kit nods after he recalled some of the events in the past.
" She is the head of one of the orphan house, called Hope House. And remember the next weekend I said I want to visit the orphan house again...? "
Kit nods " I do remember... that time I told you I have to do some revision for a quiz on Monday with Pha and Pring " Beam nods
" Yeah, and you know, that is when I encounter him, that Kid, Ming... " " He said he knows me, you know, but I don't remember him that time, I really do. I must have bad memories. After all, nothin good happen in high school, just arrogant me, isn't? " Both of them chuckles.
" And You are right na, Kitty, when you told that I possibly know more about him, I do. So, allow me to brag about him na ... " Beam says in chuckles.
Kit nods and chuckles " I want to hear about it too, " Kit says, as he snuggles closer to Beam's side.
" You know, after that, we met there every weekend with no promised to meet again, but somehow we make it. He always comes full with a plastic bag of Cupcake, he even introduces me to the cake shop houses. It is really the best in town. I bet so.
Kids like the cupcakes so much. He told me, and he was right. One time, during children days, he brought the balloons for all the kids, his car's room ends up full of balloons. We celebrate with all the kids at that time.
I laugh so much at that time. We all play water fight game in the back yard till Mrs Pua told us it is time for a snack. We stop play and catch breaths... eating the snack and we play all over again... When I was a kid, I never play that much, I never laugh that much... I know you are not too, so does Pha. But in that house, I and Ming have so much happy time, we free, Kitty. I can feel my wings. "
" I remember when he told me he met Fiat and Aie alone at the bus stop when he drove alone without a care where to go because he runs away from home, he drove with no driving license, he barely 17 that time. So he offered them a ride, so he comes to Hope House, a few weeks before me.
Safe to say... We both end up finding a happy time in that house. He is the same as me, Kitty... me and him, are having the same situation at home. Maybe that how we grow closer.
I told you, I have finally found a friend that could understand me, without my Mae and Pa doing background check over him. I met a friend that I don't need to worry they will telling my Mae about my whereabouts, for the first time, I want to protect him from anyone that trying to take him away from me. To be my partner in crime, I know he so young yet... sometimes he becomes more mature than me in during making some decision. We talk about all the bulshit thing to how when the earth might come to end... like they said whatever happened in 2012 might be repeated in future, we told each we don't want to ever regret anything, so we both do all bad thing, like a mad shadow.
I don't forget that I have you two, but somehow... you two grew closer to My Mae, maybe that how I started to keep something from you two. You two started to become an adult. Talking about study all the time. I just want to breathe...to feel inside me screaming out loud. The freedoms that I wanted too. Ming is there... so for once...i feel alive..."
" You know, when he said he come to the same university, I believed him. He studies hard after all. When I saw he dance with Nong wayo during their practice time for campus moon and stars... that when I realized, he indeed our junior back then. He told me Nong wayo still not forget about Pha at all, in fact, that the reason that Kid enter the uni the same as us. I was surprised... when he told me he wants to court you, In that time I don't even know he can fall for a man. Mr Casanova that always has girls go after him, fall for my best friend. I thought he is joking... but he cut all the girls by rejecting them all. I am impressed... I thought you never fall for his charm too...but...we both know how your feeling that time... and I know he is the one for you. "
" You already know this, Ming really loves you, Kit...you may don't trust me, but please trust that kid. " Beam says.
" If our friendship is too much, I will back down... I will not make it obvious. "
" I don't want both of you to keep hurting each other...I am sorry na... " Beam voices shaky. His tear has threatened to fall, he been trying to holding on.
" He loves you so much... "
" At this point... don't you love him too? " Kit asks, his voice shaky too.
Beam chuckles " Love is strong words. If you asked if I love him as a friend, I do love him. If you asked me if I love him as a brother, yes I do proudly, loving him. But if you asked me if I love him as a man to a man... then my answers are, it wasn't him." Beam says,
Kit sigh softly "I just don't understand why didn't you tell us. Don't we tell each other everything, Beamy? You could just tell us, you know... " Beam sigh too " I didn't think that far enough... until it happened, in the wrong time, then all misunderstanding happening... "
" I am ready to let him go... I told myself because it was you...then I will be fine too, in time. I told myself...that you two would make a good couple. I was ready to let go... until you came...maybe I was lying to myself... I am not ready... I love him, Beamy... this all thing, freaking me out. Really got all me. I realized I was not ready after all... "
" Would it be too much for asking for more time from him...? He will be alright, right? I deserved more time to think, about me and Ming...I need time, Beam... " Kit says.
Beam nods " I understand. Just take as much as time you want. He will wait for you in the same place. I know he will... Please trust him that much...Okay!. " Beam says.
Beam know now, everything is already messed, the damage is done. The only thing can make it better is Kit himself. They will fix their own boat and may sail once again, in time. Then...
***
On the other side of the province...
" Your body is here, bro... but your souls are lost in somewhere... So where is your wife by the way? " Lam asked Forth. Supposedly ask him in the tease.
Forth sigh heavily " If you love someone so much... everything he does will make you hurt the most. Right? " Forth ask instead of answering Lam questions.
Frank nods " Yeah it's true... " Frank said as he looking at Lam fondly.
" I wonder if it's only me..." Forth says.
" Oh..." Frank sigh time too.
" Maybe... I should have asked for a time too. I just him to think, what he wants for this relationship... I don't want it's only me who think more about us ...It's should be us together... we have come so far...and I willing to go for more...but not if the thing is like this... I feel suffocated... I don't know man..." Forth tears shed to fall.
" Is that wrong asking for more? " Forth says.
His best friends lost their words.
***
Since Kit going back home this morning without his car but with a taxi. So he joined Beam drove back to the KU instead. They not even spending the night. They return to the city after dinner time done with Kit's family.
Would everything is fine ?. Beam prays so. He wanted the couple to be back together... but he understands how Kit still needs time. He can't meddle as much as he wants too.
He can't do that.
And as if he forgot about something too. Because he still hiding half of the thing he needs to tell his best friends. The thing that he needs to talk with Forth too. The thing he promised he would. Beam sigh.
***
" Babe... " Beam call Forth when he walked inside the apartment. The room is rather dark only with an only dim light in the kitchen streaming inside the living room.
He checks his watch again, checking the time. It's still early time for sleep, just almost 10 pm. Beam thoughts.
" Forth...are you home..." Beam call once again. He walks to the living room, switches on the lamp on the table beside the couch.
Beam walk to the kitchen wanted to brew some water for hot chocolate later. That when the noise from outside instead caught Beam off of guard, the sound of the key door being key in, and open, Forth also just arrived.
" Hey, Babe..." Beam says as he walks closer to welcome Forth home.
" Hey... " Forth says. His voice comes out so weak. Beam peck on his lips.
" Just arrived too? " Forth asked
" Hmm, Have you eat your dinner? " Beam asked
Forth nods " Yeah... " His smile doesn't reach his eyes. But Beam failed to notice it.
While Forth sits on the couch, Beam in the kitchen making for them some of the drink.
" Me too. I have dinner with Kit and his family this evening...and yeah... I talk to Kit about him and Ming. They will get better, right? I mean they should... they love each other that much... they will be fine right? " Beam keep saying
Forth just nods rather than answering Beam. " Babe, are you listening to me? " Beam asked again from the kitchen.
Forth sigh, he felt annoyed somehow " I do..." Forth says loudly. His voice sharp.
" Ah..." Beam replied in short.
Taking two cups of hot chocolate, Beam put the drink on the table as he takes a seat beside Forth on the couch. Forth keep busy himself browsing the channel. " Babe... are you okay? " It takes him so much time to notice about his boyfriend sudden lost mood.
Forth just nods, his eyes focus on the tv screen. " You feel distance..." Beam says almost in whispers.
" That what I felt all this time..." Forth says.
Beam blinks once. He blinks twice,
Forth sigh " Remember that every single relationship fails until one doesn’t, right? And the one that doesn’t fail, when and if it comes, must be thanks to a lot of hard work...and are you even work hard on us, Beam? " Forth asks.
" The thing that I want... are you ready for it...or are you are never ready...? "
" Do you love me ?. Are you still in love with me? " Forth asked Beam
***