"Tell me what's wrong?" My mother asked me the moment I made my way into the kitchen. Her soft brown eyes genuinely looked worried.
It was the first time that she gets to talk to me. My Dad was hospitalized after a minor heart attack. Hard time I must say but it's good that he is home before Christmas that's tomorrow.
"It's nothing, I am just tired," I answered avoiding her gaze as I made my way to the refrigerator for water.
"How's dad doing?" I asked leaning to the refrigerator.
"He is fine. The doctor has asked to make sure he rests well. But can you please stop acting like you were divorced yesterday." She replied bursting out at the end.
My heart sank. Yes, this is her. Always says things without any filter. I can't even hope that she would ever understand me.
"Jane," My mother huffed, "You know that we would always want the best for all of our kids." She added caressing her forehead.
It wasn't the first time when she was telling me this. My parents always wanted their kids to be perfect. And I guess I was a disappointment.
"You should have told me this earlier," I replied.
"You know," She huffed. "...it was right after you getting divorced, and then you announced your departure; it was Jake's idea to not involve you." She replied. Well, my brother was the only one in the house with a little bit of consideration for me. So, it didn't come as a surprise.
"For how long this will go?" I asked,
"I don't know, maybe forever but I am not going to accept the accusation." She replied shrugging. The lines on her forehead had gone deeper. I made my way to give her a side hug. "Everything will be fine," I assured her and only wished that she could ever return the favor.
I was beyond guilty for not being here when my family needed me the most. My mother is a professor in the college was accused of leaking papers. Though it still didn't justify why they never checked on me? But I decided to let it pass.
"You must be tired. Go, get some sleep." She told me. I guess I was getting off the hook.
"You better wear something good tomorrow." I heard her say and nodded before leaving.
Closing the door behind my back made all the memories rush into me. I know it's wrong. I know he is wrong but I can't help feeling his breath on my skin. I can feel so exposed for his grey eyes.
No, no, no Jane. Don't go there. He is a jerk. I chanted but the moment I switched off the lights his hands, and his groans were all too clear. All the times when I was in his arms were being lived and I don't know how long it will take for me to get him out of the system. But a hot tear burning my cheek was telling me that it is not anytime soon.
You know, the times when you feel like you have lost the meaning of life. There is no way to go to. And you start questioning your very existence. Well, it is harder for the person who believes in God. Because if he is out there looking out for us then why I was left out. Abandoned? I tried to find the answers but the harder I try the more I was disappointed. The more my faith was shaking.
The voices downstairs were informing me that my family was up and it was time to play my part. Even lifting my arm was looking like a hard job to do as my mind felt numb and dazed. Mornings were becoming the worst time of the day. I took my time for my morning hygiene and left to greet my family.
"Mom! I couldn't find a blue dress." Evelyn said appearing at the kitchen's door making me stop cutting the vegetables and look at my sister who was soon going to be sixteen. Her blue eyes shone and short black hair was touching her shoulders perfectly.
"It's not back yet, omg, I totally forgot about it. Why don't you try that pink one?" My mother suggested as she decorates the cake while the whole kitchen had the thick aroma air with all the turkey and other things Mrs. Adam's were working on.
Yes, I wished to be around my loved ones this Christmas but this is not what I asked for. Making a salad while my mother is making a load of dishes with her friend Mrs. Adam's.
".... Thank God, Elle, Our kids turned out to be so great." Mrs. Adam's replied to my mom on something they were talking about I wasn't paying attention to. But our kids include me and my siblings as Mrs. Adams, our neighbor who lives across the street never had a kid. And did I mention that Mrs. Adams is a cousin to my ex-mother in law? No? Well, yes, she is. But for her, our family always comes first. She might be a cousin to my ex-mother in law, Mrs. Anderson but she was never close to her as much as she was to my mom.
When my brother informed about my father getting hospitalized because of a heart attack I cursed myself for never talking to my dad much. And, came praying all the way to my hometown. But now just after two days, this house doesn't look like that it had a person who just suffered a minor heart attack.
My mother was quick to decorate our house and invite our neighbors. It was nothing new and out of place as our neighbors were always more than welcome in this house. And yes, talking about my father who was conversing with his old mates Uncle Adam and Jones in the living room looks quite healthy while sharing his trip to some wild outskirts when he was young. Or, a research paper on which he and Uncle Jones worked together.
Mr. and Mrs. Adams always lived across the street and never had a child. Besides them, there was my dad's old childhood friend Uncle Jones. His wife passed away in an accident and children were married and happy but lived in another state and never bothered to visit much. So, these three were more than a must than our Christmas tree in the holidays. As for my parents' neighborhood always came first.
Still sitting on the kitchen table I tried to get along with my mother and aunt, Adams. If silently sitting on the chair and helping them in cutting vegetables considered getting along. They were so deep in their conversation and the 21-year-old Sarah was the topic who was expecting out of wedlock. The thing that irked me most was that Sarah was the daughter of Nicholas, a family who was close to Andersons. And the last thing I want right now was to listen to anything about Andersons from my mothers' or aunts' mouth because I know I will lose it.
My sister can't stop screaming for something she can't find again while my brother was out with a friend of his who he always brought along with him because Ryan doesn't have his own family. So, the same Christmas with the same old people.
I couldn't help and wonder why this nexus hasn't asked me about anything about my stay in L.A. Because this is not their usual self. They will always be annoying and asks a lot of questions. I could sense that all of them were trying hard to not annoy me but I will see for how long they can put on their masks.
Soon, my brother Jake along with his friend Ryan came after strolling around with their other friends. My brother with his friend Ryan had left the town to pursue their degree in Law and my dad can't stop talking about it on the dining table even after six months. Ryan was always a family. My parents used to pay his school fee whenever his aunt wasn't paying and after his aunt passing away, he was practically a family.
With my family and three old neighbors on the dining table cheering, I couldn't help but recall the day before my wedding. All of us were excited and having the last dinner together. At start my parents never supported me getting married. They were shocked knowing that I never wanted to pursue my Ph.D. like they always decided for me. My mother is a professor in a university who always wanted me to pursue my master's and Ph.D. after but I couldn't wait to start my family with Paul and that too never happened.
I looked up to find my whole family staring at me. This is when I noticed that I never took anything for my plate and was just zoned out. No, no, no, no...I chanted in my ear but knew better than to stay here.
"Excuse me," I answered with my voice a little cracked and left. The rest of the day I spent in my room and only came out in the evening when my stomach couldn't stop rumbling with hunger. And guess what? All of the guests were still here. I said my greetings to all the people who were sitting in the room and watching some documentary except Evelyn who was busy on her cellphone. She was the only one who wasn't always a bright student in our house and trying hard not to fail high school.
Getting some chocolate ice cream I was getting out of the kitchen when I heard Uncle Jones say. "We can't go there. Andersons might be there and I won't let anyone of you go there if Jane won't be coming." His words took me for some seconds before it hit me what he was talking about.
"But we were there last year." Uncle Adam resisted.
"Last year, Jane wasn't here. And we can't leave her alone." Uncle Jones's voice came.
"What if I tell you, people, that Andersons aren't coming this year. My cousin is planning to celebrate their New Year in New York this time." Mrs. Adams answered without breaking her eye contact from the screen.
"I don't know if she would be coming or not. So, don't get your hopes high." I heard my mom say and I took another route for my room.
After finishing the jar and making a number of videos I tried to make myself tired enough to get to sleep without giving any mind to him. But it was nice knowing I won't be required to face Paul. I decided to attend the New Year event of our town that is arranged by the infamous Mr. Scott, Mayor of our Town. This is the least I can do for my family.
Switching off the lights I tucked myself in my bed. I wish that I never come across Paul or Alex.
The days passed. The morning was the only time when we would converse a little before all of them get busy in their routine. I wonder if I should get back or not. Everything was as same as the day I left my town. Streets, parks, buildings or café all were same.
And, the same noisy and annoying family. Letting a long breath out I tried to relax my nerves. I noticed that Evelyn was a little silent nowadays but didn't know how to confront her. What if she got annoyed? I was sitting in my room when I heard my door knocked. It was Uncle Jones. Apparently he was here to persuade me to enlighten my family with my company. He was surprised when he didn't need to make much effort. I told him I will be there and he was happy.
The day finally came. I donned a long black dress. I was surprised to see how many dresses I used to own before my divorce. My whole family was almost ready and only waiting for me and my mother. Yes, we always took longer than necessary. And this can never change.
We were in my father's Bentley and get to the venue in less than fifteen minutes. After parking the car my family starts greeting people. I get to see many old friends, class fellows and many other people. This is when I realized that it was my first time coming to any such gathering after my divorce. You can do it, Jane.
My parents introduced me to a man named Jeff. He was widowed, in his forties and has three kids. And, a professor of course. But soon, my brother came to my rescue. He later informed me about my parent's intentions and I was beyond shocked. They can't possibly think like that. They are my parents. Staying there was becoming difficult. Especially when that person was not getting any clue for leaving me alone. This time I observed him more closely. He was the same height as me. His pale skin was telling me that he doesn't leave his lab quite often.
"You look better in person, Miss Monroe," Jeff complimented but I couldn't help but get irritated by his wandering eyes on my body. Before, I could answer Jake cuts in. And took me to the dance floor.
"Well, having a beautiful sister is tiring," Jake commented.
"Tell me about it," I answered as I made him look at Evelyn's direction who was talking to some guy.
My brother kept me company. And, soon that person lost the track of me. Evelyn was hanging around with her best friends. My mother and Mrs. Adams were seeing their friends too. I saw Nicholas family from afar but none of us exchanged any greetings. I took one of the many tables with my brother and Ryan after we got tired. Soon, Mr. Jones joined us too. I wish her kids can visit him anytime soon. But we here were not less than his children for him. I was listening to some trouble Ryan got himself into because of Jake when I saw his features getting tensed. I could smell the very same cologne. He was close. This made me look over my shoulders.
And there he was. Everything was stopped at that moment. I feel my breath stuck in my chest, the moment our eyes met. This is not happening. Not here.
*************************
Who do you think the person is? Alex? or Paul?
Thanks to all who are still following me. I had a lot of work. In fact, a lot of work is still coming.
Hugs
Kisses
Missed you a lot.