Third, 's person POV
When you are in love with someone. You wanted to tell it to everyone; that person is yours.
When you have someone special, you just want the whole world jealous of you, to see your lover stay beside you, loving you.
But then...
Sometimes, it proved that foolishly in love, might have had enough; until you learned that movies and songs and books had all lied to you. Yet you still pondering how honesty has become subjective.
Then...
Forth recalled the moments when the first time they have spending the night away from campus and busy city, going to one of the resort, they have rented in one of the chalets with the perfect view facing the beach and sea, in Chon Buri area for the weekend.
So here, while Beam prepared them the food for their night movie and cuddle. Forth is busy staring at the most beautiful man in front of him.
Well, they've bought some of the fried chickens from the food street store, sweet-spicy dried squid, half dozen of beers from a convenience store when on their way back to the chalet after they having their dinner in the resort restaurant.
Its couple drinking time. Its couple cuddling time. Its ForthBeam time.
They changed their usual Friday night to more kind of private gate away, with just only two of them. Away from loud music and busy club and bar.
When Forth non stop glancing at busy Beam that preparing the food on the table, eyeing every move he made, Beam notice him anyway so he asked in tease after sometimes
" What are you doing? "
Forth smile right away, licked his lower lip " I am studying... "
Beam raised his eyebrow " Oh, what it is, exactly? " Beam sit beside Forth on the couch, open the can of beers for both of them.
Forth take one of the open can beer and sip it slowly before he answered Beam back
" You... " Forth smile widely and continues
" I am getting a degree in Baramee Vongviphan. " Forth pause for a moment.
" I am aiming for a PhD, at least... " Forth says. He clinks their drinks together as gaping mouth Beam was still unable to speak to respond right away.
Beam impressed " Must be the tough course you ever have then... " Beam bit his lips. He knows his own Feeling, something warm, as his cheek tinted with pink dusted. He needs to get used to this feeling every time.
Forth's now gummy smile in presence, showing " I am trying to getting all 'A', well at least A-. " His eyes don't leave Beam.
Making Beam smile even more widely " I am flattering... " Beam record back warmly.
Smile lead to bonding time. Watching the Avengers series, not wondering how to finish all series, maybe or not watching it all in one night. Well, Beam has to choose between Thor and Captain America. At least Captain might have the perfect nice ass, broad shoulder too. Forth chuckles listening to Beam perfect reason why Captain should be no 1. Forth stick with Thor, after Iron Man, though, because of the hammer. Well, still valid reasons he has there anyway.
Their night went well with share the wet kisses and tongues dancing. But It's not the night when Beam first giving in his virginity though.
***
His mind back to the present day.
It's the weekend again.
It's Friday night.
Decided not to go to the bar and club because Forth was tired from SOTUS routine, leading all the freshman today. He has enough with his busy role as Head Hazer. So tonight, anyhow Forth just wanted to cuddle with his Beam.
Yeah...his lover, his man. The man he loves so much. Oh, damn fucking much.
It's hurt...
Why...
When you need to hide your relationship from the rest of the world. He doesn't want to hide anymore. No longer. He's not a fan of PDA but he loves to hold hands and maybe kisses on his lover's cheek. The man only wanted people to know, he owns Beam Baramee heart, just like way Beam has his heart. It's cheesy, it's not important... that was the mere peasant says. How much is too much...the hypocrites human being could be.
But not for him. Hiding a thing is not his habits. And that is a hard decision the moments he agreed with Beam's way.
Maybe he should change the flow. He hopes he just doesn't fuck the flow.
So when they went to cuddle in the bed, with Forth spooning Beam after their hot make love time. Forth couldn't longer hide his feelings.
After all, they have promises to talk about anything that might comes in between, right. Anything, so...
Forth kisses Beam's hairs, his fingers caress Beam's hand and make small circles there and here.
Forth have decided " Baby... ". " Hm " Beam humming in respond. Loving the way their naked body closer skin to skin.
" I already have a degree about you, I believe I have graduated in honour, a degree in Baramee Vongviphan. " Forth pause for a moment. Beam wondering where the talk gonna leads them.
" And now I am postgraduates...taking a Masters course about Baramee. But Baby... I am stuck..." Forth says.
" I am doing all the research about you, baby...I might make a thesis of centuries, for this masters. But somehow I am...stuck. like a failed researcher. What I mean is...I don't want to lie anymore. To telling you that I am ok when I don't like the way we need to hide our relationship from the others. "
" Don't you think it's about a time when we need to tell your friends that we were together ?. " Forth might can't see how Beam's face changed, the smile turns to worries, but he does know how Beam's body stiffened. Beam doesn't expect that Forth would ask him those questions tonight.
Shifting his position, invited Forth's body cuddle closer to him, seeking for more warmth as if he is afraid that the man might get up from the bed, might leaving again just like he did a few weeks ago. Beam silent said all that he needs to talk to.
Beam sigh slowly " Babe, Forth... I... we talk about it already, right ...and it's not the time. Yet... I needed more time...at least..." Beam says almost on whispers.
Forth sigh deeply, wonder " Then when is the right time Beam, do tell me... hm? "
Beam silent haunting them both. Again. The silence speaks louder than any explanation. Changed his position now Beam facing Forth now. Beam had a thousand. Ah, No...but a million, words wrapped up inside him, but his throat closed up. He could tell that his man was waiting for him to say something, eyes gentle but dark. He couldn't just guess what on Forth's mind is.
" When I am ready... I will them... okay? " Beam foolish answer couldn't satisfy Forth. But again Forth sigh calmly said...Goh, he doesn't want to let any desperate words so he says " My research not going anywhere... "
How much did he wish he could pour all the love just like the way he dreams of. He used to afraid to get caught when they need to hide in love hotel...cheap or luxury place during their time when they still new in relationships.
Until he brave enough to gets his own place, rent new apartments outside the campus, because his dorm nor Beam's dorm was not the place to love. That was Beam said. He agreed to it.
Not that he has now become so greedy when he has a home for them...yet it's still not enough. They still hiding.
" Every time you asking for a time... and I wonder what does perfect time mean to you... I mean...I see every opportunity Baby... " Forth said. His word not that gentle not that loud...but it's firm.
Beam blink his eyes, his fingers wanted to trail on Forth's face wanted to make the man more calmed as he can feel the rise of tension between them.
" Soon... I will... " Beam blurted out.
Forth just nods pulled Beam body closer " Phana and Kit also in love right, so...i don't see why they would not understand us. Then... soon, Baby... please...? " Forth seek for Beam firm answers. Wonder did Beam really knew how much the love he has for him.
" Soon..." Beam says.
I don't like the way we become just as friends when we're outside of this place...
I know for sure you have me...
Just...
Deep down... I am afraid that you have something that even yourself hasn't found yet.
I know what you are...but what am i ?...
Even...if...
Then...
Forth feel like he was back to the square one. Might repeating his degree.
***
On the same night or... well it's almost midnight...
Ming was so surprised when Kit calls him and said he wanted to come and probably spend the time at his place.
Now,
Surprisingly...yeah.
Almost one year dating him. His Kit has never failed to make him impress. So this is mark was the first-ever Kit now wanted to be in his place instead of his own. And It's weekend night by the way when Kit said he wanted to come and maybe stay. One hour ago Ming just comeback to send Kit to his dorm. And now Kit says he wanted to come.
Interesting...
Ming couldn't even say a word how happy he is. He for sure more than whipped over his man.
Kit move like a sly cat. Phana said it. Beam agreed.
Maybe not smart enough like a cat. Then again... not all cat is smart.
But his curiosity might be no one could deny.
Maybe...
Just...
Maybe a couple of months ago he didn't see any difference how his certain someone treats his other someone differently.
But then he has come to notice it anyway.
Now then... again
Too much for Kit to assume anything lewd. But his jealousy radar has turned on since a month ago.
He has come to notice how during Thursday evening they never have dinner together... the night when Ming would never call him and just texting him for saying goodnight and such. That was the first thing he realized...the pattern.
He doesn't mind either, because he has more time to focus on his assessment and sometimes joining Phana and Wayo if they ever eating outside. So just three of them since Beam would not go with them too.
But what lead him to think of a suspicious thing.
Maybe he saw it wrong in one time when he saw someone with his other someone... Ming and Beam eating together happily. He thoughts they might hang out with the others too...which mean Forth's gang was there too... but then...they are not around.
Maybe it's a coincidence if it's was one time or twice...but no more coincidentally when he saw Beam and Ming come in one car. Beam's car.
Kit wonder why his boyfriend has become so close with his own best friends. Yet...Beam never said anything to him. Nor Ming saying anything to him. Nope.
He knows Beam has become closer to Engineering gangs and that includes to be close with his boyfriend too since sometime Ming does say to him that he and Beam often joining Forth's gangs from time to time. But he never has thought that Ming and Beam could only hangouts with just only two of them.
To him... it looks like a date...too friendly. Too strangely.
Then again...
One, Beam is his best friends.
Two, Ming love for him never changed.
Three, Kit doesn't want to be that petty.
Four, he trusts Ming...yet... a little doubt is there. He always cautiously... that are given.
So when he saw about two times already Beam's car was outside of Ming's dorm. Well not that he know Forth was no longer live in the same dorm. So he thought...maybe they do having Engineering night time together during Thursday night. Knowing Beam is now close with Forth; he will be there too.
So Kit doesn't want to rush any conclusion.
It's just when one time when Kit was with Phana and Wayo having dinner in the same food store near the market place. He noticed all Forth's gangs is around. All of them wearing a dark maroon jacket... Third's year...and also as Hazer team. Maybe just finished their hazing activity on the campus. So he notices Ming and Beam were not around.
So when three of them drive back to the campus after dining, he asks Phana to make a tour to Engineering dorm...
Phana just followed what he said.
So then he saw Beam's car is there, park just beside Ming's car.
That was too good to be just as a coincidence.
So since then... when Beam joining them on the lunch in one time. Beam being five wheels. But one time he feels like he is the one being the five wheels instead.
Try to cool himself... he thinks too much. Kit hissed.
Not understand since when it even begin...it's torture for Kit.
Kit remember that time when Beam does say about that 'If a thing '.
So Kit decided now or never.
***
Parking his car in known of Engineering dorm building, already make Kit goosebumps.
" Why did I act like I am a coward...tsk " Kit clucked his tongue.
Inside his car, he saw Ming waiting for him in the lobby, he is now slowly walk to his car. So Kit thought. Now isn't time to be a freak. Kit mentally scolded himself.
" Aww Phi, don't tell me you change your mind na na ~ " Ming sing-song when he noticed Kit took a time to get out from the car.
" Err err... I am getting out..." Kit retort.
Ming smiles widely, his eyes smiling too, his finger goes to Kit still wet hairs, knowing the man come here after he finished his shower. Ming loves the scent of fresh shampoo on his Phi hairs. He himself also just finished his shower when his Phi inform him that he wanted to come by.
Walk hand to hand to his room. Ming knows he was too excitedly, while his Phi Kit was full with too many thought. So when they come inside... the dorm-style has no many different with Medicine students dorm anyway.
What makes it different from his room is their own style and signature.
Small black couch on the corner. Small living room, with coffee table and small cabinet with one of microwave on top there, small electric kettle and crockery. All the dishes designs in white colours.
He makes his way to explore Ming's bedroom while his man prepares them a drink, warm chocolate, his Phi favourite.
Kit indeed still full with too many of thought.
What was with you two huh...?
Are you two that close with each other ?.
Then... what was there?
Kit is in the same position as Forth before.
Probably worse than Forth.
Ming voices calling him while he is in the bedroom. " Coming... " Kit says.
Sitting on the couch, Ming found his way to his waist... pulled his body closer.
The TV show is ready for the pick, Netflix, remote control on the table. Ming granted the chance for his Phi to choose the movie for the night.
" My Kitkat, are you comfortable being in here? " Ming silly asked Kit when he noticed the older man has become more quiet than usual.
Kit smile doesn't reach his eyes, his left-hand grip harder. " Hmm," Kit says.
Still not notice any sign of discomforts, Ming kisses Kit's forehead for many time. " I really like the idea that we could spend our time in both of our dorms. I like your place anyway na... but Medicine students, studying all the time...that we almost can't make any noise. But here we don't care much about that...as long as it's not too loud. Well... you know what I mean Phi..." Ming says precisely and excitedly. His Phi mood went off already.
Kit just nods. Kit sighs " I bet I am not the first one coming over here..." Kit says.
Just then...
Ming finally noticed his Phi reaction, Ming shifted his body, now his body side facing his Phi. His Phi does the same too.
Ming can't read his Phi facial reaction. He looks so cold yet looking so vulnerable.
Intend to make the situation doesn't turn awkward " Aww Phi... that's true. I mean my friends come by often... sometimes. You know, hanging out and sleepover sometime. Having a drink and movie marathon na..." Ming says. Thoughtful...but Kit is too overwhelming. He has come just to confirm one thing...if he ever finds something to argue his opinion.
And he does find something.
The small thing on his left hand. His feel his finger dig harder to his palm. He feels numb.
" Was it always the same person? " Kit asked
Ming has nothing to hide wasn't him? " Errm yeah... he is my close friend, Phi..." Ming blurted out.
Maybe it's was the same reason that Kit has hope too that come out from Ming, Kit nods " I see... " Kit pause for awhile.
" Well, he left this thing then... " Kit says, his left hand holding the small brown-yellow leather bracelet.
Ming's eyes widened as he noticed that his Phi Beam's bracelet on his Kitkat's hand. Ming's eyebrows furrow as he thinking what could have Kit thought about the situation.
Worse...
Deep inside Ming knew that Kit knows whose the owners of that bracelet. And they have the same name. Beam!.
" Since when ?..." Kit asked coldly.
Ming shook his head, try not to make thing get worse " Oh, Phi...it's not what you have in your mind na... " Ming gulped.
" Then tell me... " Kit says.
He feels down. Nervous. Too much in his mind right now.
" Phi, calm down na. You know that Phi, Phi Beam and I is just a friend na. We are close friends. All these years... it's the truths, Phi na... " Ming at least try to explain. But he suddenly doesn't know when to begin in these tight situations.
Kit laugh but it sounds just bland...empty " So he is really Beam. The same Beam that I know. " Kit dry laughing.
Ming looks like he just lost his brain cell for a moment, his mind refused to cooperate, he just can only say the same things " Yes Phi...and he is just my friend, Phi na...just the same as with how your friendship with him na...Phi...you can't just assume thing na...please trust me. Please. " Ming pleaded when he saw his Kitkat's eyes... he looks so broke.
" No. No. Oh God, Phi...trust me na..." Ming begging
Silent engulfing them for more than enough.
When Kit gets up from the couch, reject the way Ming try to hold him, try to hug him. Kit push him away " Maybe if you being true to yourself... you might found the difference answer... " Kit says before he goes.
" Tell that my jealousy is groundless... but what kind of friends spending the night on the same day, every week like a routine in someone else boyfriend's room. Telling me that I am overthinking ... why I have never known that you two have become so close... since when... if anything. You two hiding from us...all the time...why is that ?. Hmm. " Kit says in the firm. His hand trembling.
He know...his Ming always love him.
He knows that much...
He believes that much...
But now...he perhaps, just lost... moments.
Ah, the jealousy...he knows... he knows.
He still doesn't understand though...
Maybe time... yeah, he needs time!.
Not wanted to hear more from Ming, Kit cut off when Ming wanted to speak " I need time for myself, Nong Ming...don't follow me. But think what do you want, for truly... " Kit continues says. Ming still begging on his knee. Crying in silent. Ming's mind is too heavy.
Why does he feel so weak all of sudden instead of trying his best to explain?. What more powerful word than love...trust...he begging for understanding.
"And... I can't stay here... it's smell like him... even your bed and pillow..." Kit hissed to himself. Leaving Ming's room.
And Ming was there...not knowing what to do. Down to his knee. His hand trembling hard. Lost. He feels everything fall down.
Ming wanted to just laughs, he cries even harder. Desperately... The word seems to trapped in his throat.
He holding the phone. His both thumb busy typing the word. For hours... Been begging...been sending his Phi a texts since the older man leaving his place. But all he got just ' Read '. With no reply.
It's late...
Passed midnight and close to 2 in the morning. Ming drives to Forth's apartment. In his mind... his hope is his only brother that can help him.
Low ringtones and vibrations, he can barely hear it, that was his phone ringing lowly one time on top of the nightstand, has turned to miss the call for seconds time. Forth's hand comfortably wrapped his waist. His phone blips, Beam took his phone. He saw the notification. 2 unread texts from Line app, both were from Ming.
I need you Phi.
Phi... I am outside of the apartment.
Not wanting to wake Forth up, Beam gets up slowly from the bed. Wearing his yellow peach hoodie on top of his white shirt, white short pant and only sandal. Just two texts message from Ming he knows something bad had happened.
Looking at the younger man, he can see his eyes is swollen. His puffy and red eyes clearly shown. When their eyes meet, Ming looks like was the picture of hopeless... he looks so lost. His stared nor empty but just sadness.
And once that first tear broke free again... the rest of teardrop follow like a flow.
" I- I might lose him, Phi...I can't lose him. " Ming chokes on his tears. His hand on Beam's shoulder, dig in... his face look down on the floor... he is shaking as he crying like a child.
Hurting never being pleasant to see. Nor the blissful. Parting never once was in pictures.
" I love him so much, Phi... " he repeats such beautiful words...yet he is sobbing.
***
A/N: Some secret needed to be settled. To be known... Can't hide such a beautiful thing.