Crowpaw's steps were heavy, his heart ached and he could barely walk. He leaned against Silverpool while Ivystone and Stonefoot carried Blacksky's body behind him. He couldn't bring himself to look at his father's dead body. The only images in his head were Blacksky's bleeding wound and the look on Elmpaw's face as he murdered Crowpaw's father. I swear, Elmpaw. You will regret this day, the day you took my father away.
Silverpool stayed at Crowpaw's side as they walked back to camp, Crowpaw relied on her for support. Part of him wanted to run away and never come back, he wanted to wake up and find that this had all just been a bad dream, but the pain in his heart and across his body reminded him that it was all too real.
MoonClan camp was nearing them, Crowpaw didn't want to face his mother. Would Riverlight even care? He closed his eyes, not ready to face her or what she would say to him. They neared camp and were greeted by Cloudwind, her eyes instantly going to Blacksky's body and filling with sadness.
"LichenClan denied crossing the border." Ashbird explained. "And then they attacked when I defend the Clan. Blacksky died in the fight."
"I want all of you to go get your wounds treated by Skyclaw." Cloudwind instructed, Crowpaw could feel her eyes on him but ignored them.
"Let's go get your wounds treated, Crowpaw." Silverpool said quietly into his ear. "Afterwards you can rest."
Crowpaw didn't complain or say anything, he just walked with Silverpool towards the medicine cat den.
"What in the name of StarClan happened?" Crowpaw winced as he heard the sharp voice of Riverlight. Crowpaw opened his eyes to face his mother whose blue eyes burned with anger. "How did Blacksky die?"
"We fought with LichenClan--" Silverpool began explaining.
"I didn't ask you." Riverlight spat venom, Crowpaw knew her gaze was directed towards him. "Weren't you fighting with him? How could you let him die!?"
Her words cut into him, sharper than any claw could. Crowpaw winced and stepped back. It's not my fault! I didn't kill him! The thoughts tormented him, but he couldn't speak them.
"You killed your own father, Crowpaw! I know you never should've been born! Your sister died and now your father is dead!" Riverlight continued to yell, her voice trembling with anger.
"That is enough, Riverlight!" Silverpool stepped in front of Crowpaw, he closed his eyes and wanted to run. "This is your son you're talking to! A son you don't deserve!"
"You think I care what you think, Silverpool?" Riverlight hissed.
"No, and you shouldn't. You are a horrible she-cat and you don't deserve Crowpaw and you didn't deserve Blacksky! Blacksky died defending his son whom he loved more than anything in this forest!" Crowpaw looked up at Silverpool, shocked at the look in her eyes. "And if you won't accept Crowpaw as your son then I will!"
"You can have him! He only brings death wherever he goes! I want nothing to do with him!" Riverlight spat and turned away, stomping towards the warrior den with a cry of anger. Crowpaw trembled, feeling as if he had just fought a whole other battle.
"Come on, Crowpaw." Silverpool nudged him towards the medicine cat den. "I'm here for you."
Crowpaw sat in silence as Skyclaw treated his wounds, all the cats of MoonClan were giving him sympathy filled looks. Something he didn't want to see, their gazes hurt him even further, he wished he could just hide. Away from the hateful glare of his mother and the pitiful gazes of his Clanmates. Why can't they just leave me be.
Skyclaw finished working on Crowpaw's wounds and let him leave. Silverpool stayed with him, but Crowpaw just wanted to be alone. He lifted his head slightly, pain ripping through his heart as he saw Blacksky's body being prepared in the center of camp. From this distance it almost looked as if Blacksky was sleeping. Crowpaw's heart twisted. Why must you make him look like that? He's dead, not sleeping.
"Do you want to sit vigil?" Silverpool's voice was gentle in Crowpaw's ear, his claws scraped the ground.
"Of course I do." He withheld from hissing at his mentor, he knew that she was just trying to help but he didn't want help. Crowpaw and Silverpool walked over to Blacksky's body, he sat down and buried his nose into Blacksky's fur. His body was cold, Crowpaw longed for any sign of life or warmth. He could hear the sounds of cats gathering around Blacksky to hold vigil, but to Crowpaw it might as well have just been him and his father.
Crowpaw closed his eyes, trying to hold on to all memories of his father's face, voice and everything about it. He didn't want to say goodbye, he wanted to open his eyes and find that Blacksky really was asleep and tomorrow morning he would be awake and ready to take him hunting.
Pain took over Crowpaw's entire body, he would never go hunting with Blacksky again. He would never go swimming, or share prey with, or do anything with Blacksky again. His heart ached, the worst pain he had ever felt before.
He stayed by his father's side during the entire vigil, thinking of memories with his father. Playing with him as a kit, his first day as an apprentice. He thought of his father's laugh, the look in his eyes when he hunted. Every memory was painful, but Crowpaw vowed to never let them go. He would hold onto them for countless moons, until he saw his father again in StarClan.
I'll see you again, father. I promise you, and I will make sure that you're never forgotten. Crowpaw wished he could speak the words to Blacksky's face, but this was all he had. The sun was starting to rise, and Crowpaw would soon have to say goodbye to his father forever. Crowpaw pressed against Blacksky's body, wishing for just a moment longer.
The time slowly crept by, and dawn approached. Crowpaw stood up, staring down at his father's body. "Goodbye." Crowpaw whispered, his voice almost silent. Sandnose, Runningpath and Haretooth began carrying his body and Crowpaw watched until they vanished from sight. When they were gone, he turned away trying to stop the pain in his heart. He wondered if it would ever go away.
"Crowpaw." He heard the voice of Silverpool once more, she was standing beside him. "I'm so sorry you had to lose your father." Her voice was tired and sad. "He was a wonderful warrior, but I am here for you." She touched her nose to Crowpaw's cheek, he could feel her body tremble. "I meant was said, if Riverlight won't be a mother to you, then I will." Her words went through Crowpaw's body, making him feel more relaxed. He looked up, meeting Silverpool's eyes. Inside the blue depths was the same look Blacksky used to give him, pure love.
Crowpaw pressed against Silverpool, closing his eyes and taking in her warmth. The warmth and love of a mother that he never had. "Thank you." He whimpered. He didn't know what he would do without Silverpool, she was all that he had left.
Crowpaw's sleep was restless, every time he closed his eyes he saw the death of Blacksky. Over and over again, he twitched and couldn't sleep at all. He lifted his head, it was nearly sunhigh outside but he had no plans of leaving his nest. Silverpool told him to rest, he didn't have to train for a few days while the two of them took the time to adjust to the death of Blacksky, but Crowpaw didn't know he would ever adjust. Crowpaw was the only one in the apprentice den, all the other apprentices were out.
He rested his head on his paws, closing his eyes and trying to force out all of his thoughts. Crowpaw wished he could slip into sleep without any dreams, just darkness. It would be more comforting than dealing with the images of his father that flashed in his mind. His wounds stung, but they didn't compare to the hollow, dull pain in his heart.
Crowpaw tried to imagine a future without Blacksky, without hearing his father's words of encouragement and a lifetime of hate filled glares from Riverlight. He didn't know what he would do at gatherings, if he ever had to see Elmpaw again...
The apprentice's amber eyes burned in his mind, filling him with anger. Crowpaw's claws tore at his nest. His head was a constant battle of anger and grief. Even his thoughts of Jaggedpaw had become twisted. How can he be friends with that rat? LichenClan were nothing but codebreakers. They crossed the border and killed an innocent warrior. Elmpaw deserves the same fate as my father. Disgusting cat. Crowpaw forced the thoughts of Elmpaw away, he'd rather think of his father than him.
After several more failed attempts at sleeping, Crowpaw decided to get up anyway. Though he knew he would just be met with sympathy gazes from his Clanmates. Crowpaw sat outside the apprentice den, looking around the camp. Outside the nursery, Featherdawn's kits were playing. Snakepelt and Thorntalon were having a friendly conversation over prey and the elders were sunning themselves outside their den.
How are they acting like nothing happened? Anger burned deep inside Crowpaw, he clawed the ground. He suddenly realized that everything about MoonClan felt unfamiliar to him, he looked around and had an overwhelming feeling that he didn't belong here. The cats around him felt like ghosts, part of him wondered if they even saw him. Do I belong here? Crowpaw questioned himself.
Movement caught Crowpaw's eye and he spotted Skyclaw walking to his den. Crowpaw suddenly remembered the medicine cat's conversation with Owlstar. There's a cat who will have to go on a mission and this cat could save the Clan. Crowpaw narrowed his eyes at the medicine cat, but his attention was drawn away when he heard the flapping of wings overhead.
He looked up and saw a large, black bird perched on a branch over the camp. It's a crow. Crowpaw realized, he looked back down at Skyclaw who had also heard the bird, he was staring at it with a sense of surprise in his eyes. Crowpaw turned back into the apprentice den, sitting in his nest while he thought about what he just saw.
Maybe I don't belong here. He thought. Was that a sign? A sign I'm supposed to leave? Crowpaw didn't know why it would be a sign, it could've been just a simple crow. A sign or not...maybe I could use this.
Crowpaw looked out into the camp, a place where he felt he didn't belong. Was there something out there calling him, something more that MoonClan didn't have? A home?