I giggled as I brought my cup to my lips. Before me was a hilarious sight of drunk shinobi, and it was quite the sight to behold.
Ebisu and Ibiki had taken off before anyone got too drunk, an understandable decision.
Anko and Gai had gotten into a drunk squabble, but now sat close together, talking in hushed voices and giggling occasionally.
Asuma and Kurenai were cuddling and making out, which Kakashi informed me was a regular thing because the two were a couple, though they were failing at their aim to keep in a secret.
Iruka and Kakashi were talking, being two of the least drunk in the room. I was about as drunk as them, and I was just watching it all unfold.
"Ne, Hikari-chan, I missed you so much," Kurenai said, leaving Asuma to hug me. I set down my cup just in time as she pushed me over with her lack of balance.
"I missed you too," I said, giggling. She hugged me tighter and nuzzled her face into my chest, which made me giggle more.
"You should have seen Kakashi, he was so sad to see you go," she said, giggling, followed by a hiccup.
"Ignore her drunk rambling," Kakashi piped up quickly.
"Did you miss me that much?" I asked, poking out my tongue.
"Hardly. I finally got my apartment back to myself," he said, smirking at me teasingly.
Kurenai pushed her face between my breasts, giggling, and I glanced at Asuma.
"A hand?" I asked. He gave me a smile and shook his head. I laughed and rolled my eyes.
"Kurenai, let me up," I said, and she complied with a pout.
I got up and stretched. "I'm going out for a smoke," I said, starting to walk towards the door.
"Want me to come with?" Kakashi asked, to which I laughed slightly.
"I can look after myself," I said, poking my tongue out. I walked out the door, and leaned against the wall just a few meters away from the door. The cigarette I lit filled my nostrils with a familiar smell, and I watched the smoke I blew out disappear as I looked up at the sky.
The village seemed so quiet right now. It had to be almost midnight, and the air was on the chilly side. I sighed, and puffed away.
"I'm not making anyone proud, am I? Drinking and smoking away my pain," I said quietly to myself. The silence seemed deafening, and I ran a hand through my hair. I finished the smoke off quickly, and went back inside.
"Everything okay?" Iruka asked as I sat down and reached for the sake bottle.
"Yeah, I'm just not drunk enough yet," I said, and proceeded to drink straight from the bottle.
"Woah woah, easy there," Kakashi said quickly, reaching over and pulling the bottle from my lips.
"Kakashi, I've had three cups. I'm hardly drunk, considering the time," I said, giving him a sideways glance.
"You don't need to get drunk though," he said, which made me look away and set down the bottle.
"Sake has been my way of filling the gap in my heart. I know I'm home but...habits can't exactly be broken overnight," I said.
"We don't make you happy?" Iruka asked, leaning on the table to look around Kakashi at me.
"I haven't been as happy as I have today since I left. But being out there, I got used to the lonely silence. And the loneliness always lingers. I do what I can to tape the crack so it leaks less," I say, and look around to see the others listening to me.
"What did you see out there to change you this much?" Kakashi said, more to himself than anything.
"I don't know.... I don't know why I'm such a downer on the mood.... I should just go find somewhere to crash," I said standing up.
"You don't have to go," Anko said, piping up from Gai's arms.
"I ruined the mood, being all depressed. I'll catch up with all of you soon. I need to get myself used to being around people again," I said, making sure I have everything and heading for the door.
"Take your time, Hikari. We're always here for you," Iruka said with a small, reassuring smile.
"Goodnight everyone," I said, giving a small smile back, and leaving the bar.
After being alone for so long and drinking on my own to drown my sorrows, drinking with them wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. The later it got, the worse my mood seemed to get, and it wasn't fair on them. They were so happy to see me, and yet my hangups suddenly surfaced and ruined the whole evening.
I started walking down the street, lighting another smoke. A inn would have to be where I slept, since Tsunade and I were going to discuss where I live tomorrow. Reading the signs that went by in case one was an inn, I took my time in wandering.
"Hey gorgeous," an unfamiliar voice called out.
"Looking for a good time love?" a different one called. I glanced over to the source of the voices, and saw two shinobi - likely only Chunins - stumbling over with sake bottles in their hands. I turned enough that the hitai-ate around my waist was visible. They froze when they saw it.
"Gentlemen, I suggest going home before you make a serious mistake," I said firmly, not in the mood.
"S-sorry Ma'am!" one said as they quickly walked away.
"Ugh, men...," I grumbled, resuming my walking. I managed to find an inn shortly after, but they were fully booked and had to turn me away.
"Hikari!" I heard a voice call my name as I stepped out of the inn. I turned to see Kakashi walking over, hands in his pockets.
"Kakashi? You aren't drinking with everyone anymore?" I asked.
"Iruka had to leave and I felt like a third wheel," he said with a sheepish chuckle. I giggled at this.
"Shouldn't you be heading home then?"
"I am," he said with a shrug. I raised an eyebrow.
"Your apartment is in the opposite direction," I said, frowning.
"That apartment had some structural damage discovered during a maintenance check, so I moved," he explained.
"Ahh, that makes sense." He looked at me for a minute, clearly in thought.
"Why don't you come over?" he asked.
"Now?"
"Yeah."
I laughed slightly. "Is that really appropriate?"
"How is having a friend over innappropriate?" he asked, giving me a smirk.
"A friend who was trying to drink way too much just an hour ago," I said, shrugging.
"That's besides the point. Come on," he said, and started to walk.
"Oh fine," I said, rolling my eyes and following him. A small smile spread across my face.
*#*#*#*
I looked around Kakashi's new place. It was practically identical to his old place, and all the furniture was the exact same as it was a year and a half ago.
"Make yourself at home. Want some tea?" he asked, taking off his jacket, leaving his long sleeved black top.
"No thanks," I said, walking over to sit on the couch. He came over and sat down next to me.
"Can I ask you something?" He looked over at me as he took off his headband.
"Go ahead," I said with a smile, stretching. Somehow, understandably really, being with Kakashi felt so familiar and put me at ease.
"Why didn't you write after that one letter?" he asked. My smile fell.
"I ran into the Akatsuki and.... I got a feeling that I was being followed, that someone would kill my owls in order to get any messages. I sent messages to Tsunade-sama regularly, but I was worried if I sent more to you and someone found out, they'd go after you," I said quietly.
"You do know I'm a Jonin too, right?" he said, making me giggle.
"Yes, obviously. But after a while, I realised that...you're my weakness....," I said, growing quieter the more I said until the last three words were barely more than a whisper.
"I heard reports of a shinobi called Gold Blood, but I had no idea it was you," he said. He didn't comment on what I said, so I figured he didn't hear it, which was a relief.
"I didn't even know I had been given a title," I said with a giggle.
We fell into a comfortable silence as I leaned back into the couch and closed my eyes. I heard him pick up a book off the coffee table and start reading, and just listened to the sound of his quiet breathing and pages turning.
"Are you going to leave again?" he asked suddenly, and I opened my eyes to look over at him.
"I hope not. I forced myself to stay away for too long... I regret what I did in some ways," I said, just letting myself be honest.
"You left so quickly, right when things seemed to be doing well," he said, setting down his book.
"I'm sorry, I was being selfish," I said, averting my eyes.
"You had every right to be selfish," he said.
"Did it really upset you that much that I left? I thought you wouldn't mind, and you would be happy I was chasing my dream," I said, glancing at him once more.
"I am happy that you chased your dream as far as you could. I'm the one being selfish right now," he said, looking away. He looked distraught.
I started to reach out to him, and hesitated. My fingers twitched as I tried to decide whether to put my hand on him or not. My heart ached to hear him talk like that.
The person I had mentioned in the bar, the person who I had feeling for, he'd been beside me for so long now. I had upset him by leaving, and I didn't even realise. I had, without even realising, made room for Kakashi in my heart, and he'd slowly taken up more of that room.
I closed my eyes and started to pull my hand back, only to feel another hand grab it. My eyes flew open as I stared at Kakashi. His fingers laced between mine, and his hand squeezed mine gently. My eyes flickered between his and our hands.
"Kakashi...." I didn't know what to say. My feelings, I'd been able to push them away for the most part, but being back with him again made them all resurface, stronger than they were when I left.
"Why are you crying?" he asked, making me blink in surprise. I hadn't noticed the tears rolling down my cheeks, but I could feel them as he reached over with his free hand and wiped them away gently.
"I hurt you, didn't I?" I asked, looking down at his chest to avoid his eyes.
"I let you," he replied, his hand still sitting on my cheek.
"You shouldn't have...."
We sat there silently, and I couldn't find the words to describe what I was thinking and feeling. I didn't know what to do, so I just leaned my head into his hand, closing my eyes. I could feel my heart beating fast, and I tried to calm it with some deep breaths.
"When you discarded your disguise and I got to see the real you, I couldn't believe how beautiful you were. But the sadness, the anger, I wished I could take all of that away from you," he said, making me open my eyes slowly. His eyes were looking over my face, moving carefully as he took in my features. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out, and he continued.
"The more you opened up, the more I got to actually know you, I saw that despite the pain, your heart is as beautiful as you are. And then, you left.... I let you leave, because I want you to be happy. But now that you're back, I can't tell if I did the right thing or not," he said. I took a deep breath before speaking.
"I am happier, but things are weighing me down at the same time.... But I'm happiest right here, with you. I only feel this way with you," I said, my voice barely more than a whisper.
"How can I ease your burden?" he asked, letting go of my hand to cup my face with both hands. A small smile spread across my lips, and I did the same, leaning close enough to rest my forehead against his. I closed my eyes and let out a small sigh.
"Keep me right here," I whispered. He let go of my face to wrap his arms around my waist, and pulled my closer to him as he lay backwards.
"I can do that," he said softly. I looked at him and smiled happily. Wrapping my arms around his neck and nuzzling my face into his neck, I breathed in his scent happily.
We lay in each others arms silently, and I could feel the steady rise and fall of his chest. This all felt so right. I felt like I was finally where I was meant to be.
"You do realise I'm ten years older than you right?" he said softly as he ran a hand through my hair.
"I don't care," I said simply, adjusting slightly to rest my head on his chest. He chuckled slightly, and the comfortable silence resumed.