Yes! I'm not dead.
I'm still alive!
I wanted to update believe me but I came down with a bad cold that I couldn't even stare at the screen for a few minutes without tears leaking from my eyes.
Then I got lost in reading 😍😍 haven't read in a looooooong while.
Ahh! Boy, were you all suprised😂💃🏻
Mission accomplished😎 no one saw it coming!
Finally!🥁🥁
The chapter we've all been waiting for!!
Tighten your seatbelts and hold on tight my beautiful people!!
You're in for one hell of a ride!!
Proceed with caution.
Some pretty heavy/ dark stuff in there ❌⚠️
Are you ready?!🔊🔊
Without any further ado, let's dive in!!
Not edited🙃😌
JAWAHIR
She's my wife.
She was my wife.
Wife.
Wife!
Wife!!
Wife!!!
The words kept ringing in my head. How does one react when her husband drops a heavy bomb like this on her? Not for once did the thought of her being his wife ever crossed my mind. It was mentioned, not even by mistake.
I married him as a widower.
Why was this piece of information hidden away from me? Does my Mammie and Abu know? Of course they would, they're best friends after all.
My scalp prickled with the newly found information. My mind kept conjuring up different scenarios. I pulled my body forward to stand up but a heavy weight brought me down, it was then I remembered that Aayan is gripping on me like a vice.
Last night, after he dropped that bomb he didn't say anything again, I didn't want him to either. I need time to process what he said. So I put him to bed, he wrapped himself up around me like a baby. Begging me not to leave him alone. My heart ached, I don't know where this fear and anxiety is coming from. I readjusted my sleeping position and that's how we slept, rather he slept, I couldn't close my eyes for a single second.
Now it's time to pray, I have to wake him up. I patted his cheeks softly. "Aayan wake up, it's time to pray." He mumbled something incoherently and buried his head deeper into my chest.
I sighed. I patted his cheeks again albeit this time a bit harder. "Wake up Aayan." His eyes snapped open, my heart clenched painfully. His eyes are red and swollen. Oh habibi.
He took a few seconds to gain his bearing back. I leaned in to place a kiss on the corner of his mouth. "It's time to pray subhi, wake up." I repeated.
Aayan silently unwrapped himself from my body and ambulated to the washroom. I sent a silent prayer to my lord. I went to my old room to freshen up. By the time I came back, Aayan has laid down the praying mats. One in front, the other behind. A hijab was neatly placed on the mat behind.
He was waiting for me.
I smiled, but he didn't return the smile. Sigh.
We prayed together. His voice melodious, even as it kept cracking. He took time during the sujoods. I left everything in the hands of the Almighty.
After saying the salam, he carefully pulled the Holy Qur'an. Aayan silently patted the spot beside him and I almost let out a sob. I curled up to his side, one of his arm securing me as we recite together.
Wallah it was so tranquil and serene. I wish I can stop time to capture this moment and store it somewhere safe. We recited till the sun raised. Aayan silently stood up to ambulate to the bathroom. I folded the mats then proceeded to tidy up the room. After that I went downstairs to make our breakfast.
It's already 7:30, so I made the fastest breakfast I could think of. I made breakfast quesadillas, which took me fifteen minutes, and a cup of hot and steaming coffee for Aayan.
My husband stalked into the dining room dressed in a gray suit with the tie missing. I wiped my hands with a towel before walking to stand in front of him. I silently collected the tie and wrapped it round his neck then proceeded to knot it.
The only noise you'd hear is from my breathing and his. With my hands still holding his collar— even after I finished my work— I looked into his eyes. His eyes were haunting and evasive. My Aayan was not in there, this was one shell of a man, not my husband.
"Ya Omri," I spoke for the first time this morning. "talk—,your breakfast is ready." I decided against what I was about to say in the first place, instead I pulled him by his hands to the dining table.
"Please eat more Aayan, you haven't eaten anything since yesterday." I pleaded when he pushed his plate away without eating much. He finally raised his head to look at me. "Please." I pleaded once more.
Aayan sighed, without saying a word, pulled his plate till he cleared everything. He stood up, taking his briefcase with him. I walked him to the door.
"Come back soon." I told him. Aayan stalked forward and cupped my cheeks using both his palms, he joined our foreheads together. "I know you have lots of questions that needs answers and explanation," he voiced, his warm minty breath caressing my lips. "and I'll answer them I promise, I really need to be in the office now." He sealed my mouth with his.
*****
All day I've been anxious. My mind wasn't at ease, I couldn't sit still.
When did he get married? When did she die? How did she die? What does he mean by it's all his fault?
These are some of the questions that kept plaguing my mind all day long. Initially, I wasn't going to the restaurant today but I had to go because I would have gone gaga had I stayed at home all alone.
Today was a less busy day in the restaurant but the same cannot be said about the bakery. We introduced our new mouthwatering gelato this week and people have been trooping in from all over.
Right now, I'm in the kitchen supervising the new chefs we hired. So far, so good.
Samira walked in dressed in a beige tee and washed blue jeans with an apron on, on her head, a turban sat perfectly. "Jawahir, do you have a minute please?"
I excused myself and followed Samira as she led us to the pantry.
"What's wrong?" I asked after she shut the door.
Samira looked down and kept fidgeting with her fingers, she looks nervous. "What's the problem Samira?" I asked again, gently.
"Umm, uh.. I- I want to take a few days off." She said. "I know it's too soon but I really really need this. I just want to get away for a little while," she jumped into an explanation without giving me a chance to say anything.
"Samira!" I yelled to stop her rants. She got startled and kept quiet.
"What's wrong? You can talk to me." I said in a soft tone. Then she did something I never expected her to do, she broke down. Samira flung herself on me as she let out painful sobs.
Ya Allah! I wrapped both my hands around her, softly patting her back and whispering soothing words to calm her down. She pulled away after a moment. "I'm so sorry."
I smiled sadly. "There's no need to apologize. You need to let it all out sometimes, it's not good to keep your emotions bottled up all the time. Do you want to talk about it?"
"No," Samira shook her head. "I'm not ready to talk about it."
I nodded in understanding. "You can take as much time as you need. Remember, Allah doesn't burden a soul with what it cannot bare. This too shall pass."
She gave me a wobbly smile, pulling me for another hug. "Thank you so much Jawahir, I'm so happy and lucky to have you as a friend."
I pulled away to look at her. "Oh please, stop with the flattery. I'm happy to have you as a friend too Samira. Take care of yourself."
"I will. Thank you."
I watch Samira leave, I let out a small sigh. May Allah make it easy for her, for all of us. We all have struggles, every struggle in your life is to shape you into a better person, be thankful for the hard times, they can only make you stronger. Everything is going to be alright maybe not today but eventually.
My legs carried me to the window, I watched the sky as it started to drizzle before it became a downpour. I find peace in the rain. I love walking in the rain, the rain conceals my tears, it becomes my companion as we flush out the pain. I see it this way, rain falls because the clouds can no longer hold onto the weight likewise tears fall because the heart can no longer handle the pain. I could sit quietly for hours listening to the hush-hush the rain whispers.
The vibration of a phone brought me out of my reverie. I patted my apron to look for the phone.
Hubbu hayati ❤️🔒
Love of my life....
"Hello?" I croaked out. I don't know why, but the rain is making me emotional.
"Tesoro?" He whispered softly. I closed my eyes to savor the feeling of my name on his lips as it sunk into my bones. "Are you there?"
"Yeah...." I breathed.
"I'm coming to get you. 'ana mushtaq lak; I miss you."
"I miss you too, I'll be waiting."
*****
The patter of the rain is the only audible sound around us. Aayan and I sat across each other on the table. Neither of us has cleared our plate. The tension in the room is so thick, you can use a scissors to cut it. None of us has said anything since we began the journey back home. When we arrived, Aayan went ahead to freshen up while I quickly arrange lunch. After that I took a shower too.
Now we are situated in the dining table silently staring at each other. Aayan broke the silence by clearing his voice, he opened his mouth to speak but then kept quiet. "Tesoro?" He later called after he has composed himself. "Can we move to the living room please?"
I silently stood and made my way to the said room. I took a seat in one of the single chairs while Aayan sat down on the two seater. Aayan patted the space beside. "Please come and seat," he requested. "I need you close." He whispered the last sentence to himself still I heard.
I made my way to him and he pulled me down by the arm. Aayan hugged me tightly before releasing a shaky breath. "Are you ready?"
"You don't have to Aayan," I cupped his face with my small dainty palms. "you don't have to." He placed his palms on top of mine that were still on his cheeks. "I want to, I need to."
"Take your time."
Aayan took in a deep breath before he started. "We would have been married for six years yesterday."
So it was their anniversary. I gulped.
"I met Manal during my sophomore year while she was a freshman. The first time I saw her she was being bullied by a group of girls for the hijab she was wearing. I saved the day, from that day onward we became acquainted. Saying salam and nodding when see each other around school. Uthman often teased me that I found myself a girlfriend. I couldn't help but notice that Manal didn't have any friends, she was very reserved and scared, I've always been observable. So I sent Maheera to befriend her, she'd feel less lonely. I know how it feels, I was once in her shoe." His eyes held a soft almost endearing look as he recalls the past
"Abdulrazaq warned me off, saying she's bad news...."
"Abdulrazaq?" I echoed in confusion. Don't tell me.... Aayan nodded his head to confirm my theory. "You were once friends?"
He gloomily nodded. "Best of friends, in fact we were called the three musketeers. Uthman, I and him."
What could have possibly happened that their relationship became this way?
"I know you must be wondering what happened right?" I silently nodded. "Don't worry I will get there."
"Manal became Maheera's best friend, they were like sisters and Manal became like a fifth daughter to Ammiey. I saw her almost everyday because she was always at our house.
There was a time she came and was limping. When she was asked what happened she said she fell from the stairs. She was always bumping into the wall or falling from the stairs. None of us believed what she was saying of course, but we figured she wasn't ready to talk about it.
One day she came to our house at night with her body beaten black and blue, she could barely breathe and keep her eyes open."
I sucked in a deep breath. "She....she was abused..."
"Yeah," he nodded. "Manal was an orphan and the foster family that took her in were abusive. She was rushed to the hospital. Initially she was not going to lodge a complaint but Baba wasn't having any of it, he had also come to love her like his own daughter. A case was opened in court, Baba hired the best lawyer he could, after weeks and weeks of digging up old wounds. Manal won the case against her foster parents and got an emancipation while they were arrested. My parents took her in with open arms."
Aayan let out a sigh and raised his head to look at me for the first time since he started talking. He looked into my eyes before speaking. "Somehow I fell for her, hard. I fell in love with my sister's best friend."
I felt my chest tighten painfully, I could barely breathe. Jawahir you knew the inevitable, knew this was going to happen then why are you surprised? And how can you be jealous of a deceased person?
I don't know. I mentally shook my head. I don't know, I'm only human after all.
I felt Aayan's palms cupping my face, his thumbs stroking both sides of my cheeks. "She was my first love Jawahir, I love her, I always will. But I love you," I opened my eyes. "I love you Jawahir, you're the one I want to grow old with. You'll be the mother of our kids. Tesoro, you have nothing to worry about. I'm not stuck up on my past, I was but not anymore. I love you."
"What did you do? After....what did you do?"
"I didn't do anything," Aayan shrugged. "I thought it was just an infatuation that will go away."
"Then......."
"I told Baba, three years later." He nodded. "Yes I've been nursing the little crush for three years. A date was set and the preparation started. I'm not going to bother you with the details. I was in my final year, so we were to be wed after I graduate. Manal wanted to find her real family but there was no luck, the orphanage she was raised in said the woman that dropped her didn't leave any valuable information."
Poor thing, I don't want to know how it feels to not know your real family, to not know your roots and where you came from. I'm sure she lived a live in constant turmoil wondering if her family really wanted her or not, why they had to give her up.
Aayan paused, he picked up the tumbler of cold water that was beside him. "I told you that we were called the three musketeers right?"
I adjusted my sitting position, I have a feeling what I'm about to hear will be ugly. "During our third year in the university, he started to change. He has always been the stubborn one, the reckless one. Abdulrazaq started doing drugs."
I thought as much.
"He was into all those mafia nonsense, drug trafficking, weapons and all those nonsense. We tried wallah Jawahir, we tried but he was far in too deep. I don't know maybe if we had insisted more, noticed earlier, tried harder, maybe what happened wouldn't have. It's also our fault...."
"No!" I interjected. "Don't you dare say it's your fault ever again. He chose to make those decisions, it's his fault not yours. You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved Aayan, you can't. You tried your best, Allah is aware of that."
"But I feel if I've tried a bit harder, things would have been different. Anyway, he dropped out. Two weeks to our final exams, he disappeared. We looked for him everywhere we could think of, he's underground name was Malcom...
I gasped in horrification. Malcom....Malcom....
"I've heard that name before........" All those messages that were sent to me, in the end they were tagged Malcom X in the end.
Aayan's eyes bulged out, he gripped my shoulders hard. "What do you mean you've heard that name before? Where did you hear it?"
"Aayan..."
"Tell me please Tesoro, where did you hear it?" Panic rang loud and clear in his voice and expression.
"Uhh when...w-when you left a private number kept sending me disturbing messages. At the end of every text it says Malcom X."
"Ya ilahi, Inna lillahi wa inna ilahi raji'un." Aayan kept mumbling.
"You're scaring me." I said in a panicked manner. My body trembling.
"After all I did, he was close to harming you. Oh my God. He was.....he would have....."
"AAYAN!" I yelled. "You're scaring me. What do you mean he was close to harming me? What are you saying?"
"Abdulrazaq he would have hurt you to get to me, oh Allah. I left because of him, he threatened to harm you, ya Allah!"
"Talk clearly, explain yourself. What do you mean he threatened you?"
"The day I left," he croaked out like it physically pained him to say it. "I received a call from an unknown number that the steel we ordered has arrived. We've already came to a conclusion with the company that one of their representatives that's why I didn't suspect a thing. When I arrived at the destination, Abdulrazaq was there. Of course we argued, of course heated words were exchanged but a statement he made stopped me short. I would keep a close eye on Jawahir if I were you. My heart stopped working, because I know what he's capable of, I saw what he's capable of. If what happened also happens to you Jawahir then... I don't know... I don't think I'll be able to handle it... I won't be able to handle it.....I'd die....." He trailed off, taking in labored breath.
"On the day we got married, I was eager to see her as we didn't see each other since the nikah in the morning. I was so eager to see her that I told her to come and meet me in a nearby park. We were ambushed, out of nowhere. Everything was a blur, still is, I woke up tied to a chair and Manal, Manal...." Aayan stopped speaking and buried his face between his palms. I rested my head on his shoulder continuously rubbing his back in a soothing manner, he's so tensed.
"Jawahir... Manal..I-she....she was lying on the floor with the remains of her dress, bruises decorated her skin and blood...blood, so much blood."
Inna lillahi wa Inna ilahi raji'un!
Inna lillahi wa Inna ilahi raji'un!
The tears I've been desperately trying to hold back flooded.
Aayan's eyes are bloodshot yet tears weren't falling, I wish he'd cry out the pain, sorrow, anguish, anger....all those conflicting strong emotions in his eyes, I wish he'd cry them out, it'll be better.
"Her eyes, still haunt me. The look in them were beyond devastating. They called out for me but I couldn't do anything. I couldn't move, it was like I was disabled from my body. I could not move even a finger, nor could I blink, I could only stare. It was all Abdulrazaq's doing....."
The monster. I hate him, wallahi I hate him so much. No wonder Aayan reacted the way he did when he saw him. I would have lost control if I was the one.
"It's good to see that your friend has finally put on his big boy pants."
"He has finally gotten married."
"I wonder how Manal would feel."
I recalled the first time we saw him, all those months ago. How do this kind of people live with theirselves? Don't they have conscience? How can you do that a human like you and not feel guil—
"...he had once said he'd take revenge on me, because I told his father about his habits, I thought he was joking." Aayan's raspy voice halted my train of thoughts. "I thought he was kidding but he wasn't. Said, it's because of me the family business was taking away from him, it was he because of me his own father disowned him, he must take revenge, he had to. They....they..." he shook his head.
"Hayati?" I called. "It's okay you don't have to say it. It's fine."
But it was like I was talking to a deaf person, he couldn't hear he kept talking. I wish I didn't hear what he said, wish what I heard could be unheard. "They did it again, all of them, I don't know how many they were but they kept going, callously, cold-bloodedly, hard-heartedly, heartlessly, inhumanely, insensately, insensitively, mercilessly, obdurately, pitilessly, ruthlessly, tyrannically, uncharitably, unfeelingly, unmercifully, unsparingly, abusively, brutishly, savagely, viciously, aggressively....
"Her screams, her screams of torment, of despair..of...of..." he choked out a sob. My husband broke down. I held him. We cried together. Of this unfairness, of the brutality. We cried together. Akwai Allah, God is always there. I whispered into my husband's ears as he buried his face in the crook of my neck, as his shaking breaths caress my skin, as his tears wet my clothes, I held him. I held him tight like he always does. I held him tight, hoping he can feel the words I'm not able to utter. I hold him tight, hoping it's enough.
"I couldn't even look away, I couldn't close my eyes. I saw and heard." His face was still buried between my shoulder and neck. "She fought, oh she fought till she couldn't fight anymore. I watch the strength drain out of her, I watched as she gave up, I watched as she became dead yet still very much alive."
If men like him didn't exist, the world would have been a better place. Astagafurillah, but I wish the likes of him, them, would just die. Yet, the ugly ones refuse to die.
Aayan pulled away, his once pale skin flushed red. I used my palms to wipe away the tears, he held onto them.
"Somehow, miraculously, my body began moving. I don't know how, maybe the drug that was injected into my body stopped working, I didn't know neither did the doctors. We were alone, they left. Her to die maybe and me, I didn't know. I was able to pick her up, she was barely alive. I made it to the car, we drove away but never made it to the hospital. Rather she never made it to the hospital.
"I was going to take her to the hospital, she was going to be okay, I knew. I would have prayed profusely. We were going pull through this, not anytime soon but eventually. I was going to nurture her back, I was going to make her whole again, show her the true meaning of happiness, how it truly feels to be happy. I was going to do all that but the opportunity was snatched away from me.
We were chased, he saw us. I would stop if I were you Aayan, he said. I don't know how I ever considered him as a brother, I don't know. We were close to the hospital, just a few more minutes and we would have been in the hospital but... He bumped into us so hard from behind the car tumbled. I wasn't wearing a sit belt, I was thrown out but Manal....Manal was firmly attached to the sit, she was too weak to save herself, too weak. Too weak. The car stopped, upside down. Before I could....it caught on fire...."
I flinched. "No Aayan...no Aayan...please no....I don't want to hear it....enough...no more....my heart....it aches....,it hurts....no more Aayan... no more please....."
But he wouldn't listen, he didn't listen. He kept talking even as I shake him, beg him, cried, pleaded desperately for him to stop he didn't, he kept talking.
"I could hear her screams, I could smell her skin burning, I saw her skin burning but like the selfish coward I was, I didn't do anything."
I placed my mouth on his, no I wasn't kissing him, I just wanted him to stop talking.
"I passed out," he let out a scoff. "I didn't wake till a month later. Apart from the head injury, I wasn't hurt. Not even a broken." He spatted angrily. "Not even a missing limb, nothing. My body, it was perfectly okay." He looked at me. "How could I go scout free? Just like that? How? Why? It should have been me burning....
"—no Aayan." I choked out.
"-she had a life a head of her, everything was planned out. We spent hours planning our lives." He sighed. "But they plan and Allah plans and Allah is the best of planners. Right?"
I eagerly nodded. "Right, right Aayan."
"It took a while before it finally sunk in. I blamed myself for years. If she haven't met me, if I haven't known Abdulrazaq, if I haven't told his father, if didn't call her on that day....then perhaps things might be different. But all these things have being planned by the Almighty and would have happened one way or the other...it too, a while for that to sink too...Alhamdulillah."
I let out a cry, Aayan shook his head. Telling me not to cry, comforting me. The irony of the situation.
I crawled into his laps, I wound my arms around him tightly, crushing him. I peppered kisses all over his skin, anywhere my lips could touch. I kept telling how strong he was, it's all a test from the Almighty. I kissed him deeply, I whispered how much I love him.
"I couldn't sit in a car for two years," Aayan whispered after a long pause. I was still cradled in his arms like a baby, I burrowed further into his chest listening to his strong steady heartbeats. "It got to a point that I had to be sedated before transported to and fro the hospital. My parents couldn't handle it anymore, so my room was set up with the necessary equipment. I didn't sit in a car until after two years and a half, that too in the backseat only. After many tries, with panic attacks and fainting." I held on tighter.
"When I woke up Abdulrazaq had already fled, of course. They technically couldn't go after him, since no one knew what happened. I became an insomniac, I couldn't sleep, rather I forced myself to learn how not to sleep because every time I close myself I'm transported back and everything plays vividly behind my closed eyelids. It took a while before I stopped hearing her screams, still do time to time."
My poor Aayan has been through so much. My heart clenches in pain, it feels tight. I couldn't breathe properly.
"I started driving again about two years ago. I still get panicked when I someone riding shotgun, I get anxious when I have to drive us around."
Yet I never noticed.......
"I was so focused on my recovery I didn't go after Abdulrazaq. Last thing I heard about him was that his bosses where caught and he's wanted dead or alive. I didn't see him ever again till the night of that gala.."
I remember how angry, how enraged he was.
"I contacted the authority, then he showed up in my house, going after my family yet again. After that I didn't hear from him until that day...."
I know the day he's talking of....that day....
"On that day...he showed your pictures.."
My heart stopped working. I sat up quickly to look at Aayan.
"He has many pictures of you. Going to your house, my house, your friends, brothers...saloon, shopping...everywhere. And you could imagine how I felt Tesoro, you can only imagine. My first instinct was the get him far away from you, I figured if I left the country he would follow since his mission is no longer destroy me but to see me dead.
"I did what I thought was right then. I left without contacting anyone, without telling anyone except Baba. We spent three months of playing cat and mouse. In those three months he was very close to accomplishing his mission...,"
I gasped horrifically. While I was hear nursing a broken heart and being bitter my husband was close to loosing his life.....he would have die— I don't want to think about it.
"Aayan...."
"No,no, shhh." He placed his finger on my lips. "Don't say anything. He was finally caught. He jumped of a cliff, thought that'll be his easy way out but he didn't die. Right now he's in a hospital in London recovering, where he'll be transported to get the punished, not what he truly deserves but punished anyway." Aayan released a huge sigh, like a heavyweight has been lifted off his shoulder. In a way, it have being.
Aayan tilted his head downward, his eyes were speaking volumes. "This is my story habibty." He whispered then continued. "The steps I took in protecting you were wrong, it cost us our baby....
"Aayan—
"-no please let me speak." So I let him.
"What I did, the manner of approach I used is no way excusable. I was trying to protect you but I didn't have to hurt you in worst way possible to protect you and for that I'm so sorry—
"—no Aayan."
"—I somehow feel responsible for the lost of our child," I shook my head as tears stream down my face. "that night if I haven't provoked you, if I had just stayed away like Kulthum asked me too."
"Aayan you just finished saying whether or not you did what you did, what's meant to happen will happen, so please enough."
He smiled ruefully. "I know Tesoro, I know habibty. But I'm human after all, I can't help but feel guilty in a way." He mindlessly rubbed my tummy. "You would have started showing, we would have been preparing to welcome our bundle of joy. I stole that away from us."
I shut him up the only way I know how. Our breaths mingled, he cupped my cheeks delicately as if he's scared a firm hold would break me. "I don't want you to feel this way ever again, I don't want to hear this ever again Aayan, ever again. Promise me this will never be spoken of ever again, promise me."
"I promise." He vowed.
"You'd see, one day in sha Allah we'll have our family you'll see." I said, smilingly. We would be a happy family, with our babies. We would love them unconditionally. We would nurture and take of them together.
Our happy family.
"In sha Allah." He whispers with so much hope. We often tend to forget about the feeling of men when it comes to miscarriages, sometimes they also need to hear those words of encouragement.
"I love you." I whispered with a beaming smile.
"Iinaa ahbak 'akthar, da'imaan wa abadan." He sealed the promise with a ferocious kiss.
I love you more, always and forever.
So??
Your thoughts? How do you feel right now? Your emotions?
Manal is not the bad guy, just a victim too😔💔❤️
And Aayan, would have thought he's been through so much 😩😔💔
How do you feel about him now?
I expect to see lots and lots comments from you, even if you're a silent reader just this once tell me how you feel, please.
Thank you ❤️💕
Yours truly
Memzyb✨🌹