It's hard. It's hard to know that while your family are worried about your safety and protection from that one guy who was supposed to be your father, yet you're leading yourself to him. It pisses me off that the conversation we had was something that was supposed to be a heart to heart thing, something that was supposed to be worthwhile to the both of us.
He offered to bring me into his world, the world that ruined my mom and is currently ruining me. I didn't mean in the last couple years though, I almost meant now. It was crumbling me down and the only way to sort it was with my fix of cocaine. I was in some party, high of my mind and loving the pretty lights that streamed across the walls and onto the masses of bodies.
This was the life I was leading myself into, so how different would it be if I got involved with my so called father? He fucked us up, he fucked us in all sorts of ways and made sure that he went to prison with a smile on his face. He knew what his son was going to turn out to be and he got his dream, he got his dream alright.
I found myself staring at the opposite side of the room and a girl who has been looking at me while she danced. She was someone from one of my classes, but I couldn't tell which one it was from but she was fucking hot. Yet when I kept my eyes on her, leading her on with my looks and gestures, she didn't interest me in any way.
My mind was trained on Enna too. She was hurting, she was hurting bad when I left her in her room and left to come to this party. I cared so much about her killing herself that I abandoned her in her room and led myself to my own death. It was the lowest of the low I felt, but it was such a good feeling to just...not care.
Intoxication and being high at the same time? They were the formula for death, no despairing, just a quick death. After my illness a couple days ago from some drug I took, I was in the position of sweating and going through hot and cold flashes but I couldn't process the fact that I needed to care. I needed to care enough to get up and get the fuck out of here.
It was hard to convince your whole body to save yourself, especially when you were tilting off to the side and feeling your eyes start to close. My lips had tilted up, smiling at the fact that I had achieved nothing good in my life and you know what else? Eli was right; he was right about things being handed to me on a silver platter, or whatever he said.
Everything that I had gone through up until now, the safety and protection, that was handed to me and it was given to me by my saviour. My sister would kill herself in order to make sure that I was safe and what was I doing? I was leading myself to my death because I was a selfish person that couldn't handle a little bit of trauma. I mean, who the fuck was I to battle these things?
Sinister forests and faces was so close to me that I succumbed to the darkness that I was led to because where there was light, was my sister and she needed it more than I. She didn't inherit the addiction that I had. She was happy, she wished for me to be happy, she wished for the kids she took care of to be happy but that wasn't life.
Who the fuck was I kidding? Anyone could be happy if they tried but I didn't try. I was a pussy, I was a big pussy who just gave in whenever things got a little tough. Laughter filled my ears, my own of course while I walked through these woods that seemed like it was never ending. It was a fucking joke to me, a fucking live fairytale that I was walking through.
No one was here to stop me, until I hit my leg on something. My father's face crawled out of the ground I walked on and it made me laugh because it was fitting. He was crawling out the depths of hell and trying to bring me down with him, but the thing was that I was in the middle of it all. I was in between heaven and hell.
Looking above me, I saw darkness too. Masses and masses of trees struck my vision, making me cower away onto the fall, close to my father who had a slight grip on me but I wouldn't follow his command, I wouldn't go in. Bursts of light would be my saviour, but if only I wanted it and right now I wasn't sure what I wanted.
Comical laughs came from every corner, faces of everyone, everything I faced nailed itself into my path. Then suddenly...the burst of light appeared above me and the one person whom I wanted to keep out of this was reaching out to me. Josey's concerned face was drawing itself closer to me from where she was high in the sky, reaching out to me.
"i'm not a doctor, I can't save him." A cry was sounded from afar. My head whipped to the soft voice of the girl that hurt, that wept to be saved from her own demons, who tried to take her own life multiple amounts of times because she couldn't see how good her life was. I envied her so much because she had potential to become so many things.
"Fucking try then! You have a brain for a reason don't you, nerd?" Brawling, so much shouts and arguments rung out loudly in my ears to the point where I tried to cover the sounds up by covering my ears. It didn't work though, it didn't quieten down but it got worse and the cries of my mother woke me up.
"Joey?" A gentle voice spoke. Then I felt a dainty hand touch me, but when I opened my eyes from where I had squeezed them shut, I saw that my father wasn't there to drag me down any more and Josey wasn't trying to save me. I was no where, I awoke to the sounds of people around me but there was nothing here but...
"Wake the fuck up!" I groaned loudly when I was hit in the face. I opened my eyes, blinking against the harshness of the light that shone around me. As soon as I got used to it, I looked around to see the guys hovering above me, but another scent filled my nose. Slowly sitting up, I managed to catch the eyes of a certain girl that stood behind the guys.
"What the actually fuck is wrong with you, you dense motherfucker?" I couldn't look towards Eli who was yelling at me, I just kept focused on Enna who was backed against the wall with a hand on her bare arm...trying to cover the red mark that was growing darker. Pushing the covers away from me, I pushed the guys away and walked over to Enna, or at least tried.
After stumbling a little, I made it to the nerd and I grabbed her non injured arm and looked at the growing redness. She looked up at me with those big brown eyes of her through her glasses and I turned rigid as I gripped her tighter. My head whipped around and rage filled me as I stormed up to the twins, noticing how Jett had a small smirk on his face as well as confusion.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I growled, picking the guy up by the collars of his shirt. He tried to tug me off but that pissed me off further, but I still let him go, practically pushing him to the floor where he fell. "Get the fuck out, all of you. Enna is the only one who stays." Jett scrambled up from the floor and Brett helped him while I watched on.
Eli sent me a look that I couldn't pick up because the dazed feeling was back as I slumped down on the bed, feeling the weight of the world push me down as I heard the door of this bedroom close. Where the fuck was I? I tried blinking, but ended up laying back down on the bed with my legs over the bed.
"Joey?" Enna's soft voice woke up and I sat up again, rubbing my face to take away the effects of the sleep that tried to drag me. The softness of her skin touched my head and I heard her hiss before the coldness of her hand was no longer on me. "Joey, are you feeling hot?" I grinned behind my hands at the double meaning. Ambiguity wasn't it?
"I'm feeling hot enough to want to get you on this bed and fuck you in many ways, Sugar. If you're up for it." I leaned back on the bed, leaning on my elbows while I watched her with hooded eyes and waited for her to flush red, only she didn't. Her eyebrows furrowed up in confusion and she took a step back.
"Joey, how?" I cocked an eyebrow up at her, a smirk coming up onto my face. However, Enna didn't share the same amusement as I did. "How are you able to act so normally? You could have overdosed, you could have died if they didn't find you and then you...you just got so angry when you woke up and now? Now you're yourself."
I cleared my throat and lay down on the bed again, feeling exhaustion pull me in. Then all of a sudden, it got really quiet until I decided to start laughing as I looked up at the ceiling. There wasn't anything funny there, but the dream entered my mind again and it wasn't in flashes, it was the real thing and it ached.
"You know, nerd, I always thought that Josey would be my saviour and she is, don't get me wrong about that but it's like...it's like I expect her to save my ass whenever I feel like I need it because I know she'll be there for me to fall back on." It dimmed down to silence again and the pounding of my heart felt like it was echoing throughout the room, when I know it wasn't.
"Am I...Am I a bad person for thinking that?" I whispered, still looking up at the ceiling and imaging all the times that she's had to pull me out of some shit. She was always there for me, always. "Enna, do you think I'm a bad person? I mean, I know I do a lot of bad shit but I'm a shitty human."
"No, Joey." I stood up and ignored the dizzy spells that burst freshly in my mind as I stalked towards her, the obvious fear reigning in her eyes as I stood very close to her, towering over her frame. "Tell me I'm not a bad person, Enna. Look me in the eyes and tell me I'm not the shittiest person on this earth and I will believe it if it comes out of your mouth."
I trained my gaze on her eyes, noticing how her mouth opened and closed before settling to stay closed. She looked up at me with tears shining in her eyes and you know what she did next? She did the thing that entices the devil to seduce you with the seven deadly sins until you do so bad, that you can't face yourself any more.
Enna was kissing me.
Her lips were on mine, her head tilted up so that she could actually reach me and I let her just take this moment. I let the anger roll out in waves around us, but I enjoyed it more than I told myself. The warmth in my body travelled faster than it could ever do, her scent was intoxicating as the masses amounts of alcohol I had drunk tonight and she was addicting as the cocaine I snorted, but she was the nerd.
I could play her like guitar strings. I could make her submit to me. I could make her tell me her deepest darkest fears and I finally made her kiss me . That was the final step in making me push her away from me, her face red, her nipples standing to their attention through her thin top but my attention was on her bruised lips.
A sinister smirk curled itself onto my face as I backed her up onto the nearby wall. This wasn't just a game of cat and mouse, it was a game in which the nerd decides to play with fire and trust me when I say that she will get burnt one way or another. Her innocent doe eyes weren't going to save her, she knew that.
"Thanks for saving me, nerd." I whispered before backing away from her and heading towards her bedroom door. That was until she grabbed my arm and I stopped, frozen and confused at what the hell she was doing. "Joey...Joey, if you walk out that door right now then you can't see me again and we don't help each other."
I turned to face her. She slowly let go of my arm and I smirked at her; I smirked at her naivety at how she was trying to control me and tell me that she would have more power over me. I suddenly pushed her back without any warning and she bumped into the wall while I towered over her small frame.
"Understand something nerd, you won't ever be able to run away from me. I don't try and help you, I'm not trying to be good to you. I don't want blames fallen upon me because you decide to just give up on life." Her face morphed into a look of fear and she bit her lip, probably to stop her from retorting back with something.
Once again, I backed away from her and I managed to get out of the room and eventually out the house and away from the guys, away from just people. Hell, I still couldn't even understand where I was while I slowly heated up. The cold air did nothing for my skin, the hoodie I wore? I wanted to rip it open but I had nothing on underneath.
I fucked up today like I fucked up any other day. There possibly wouldn't ever be a time where I wouldn't have fucked someone over or a day where I didn't do shit to myself to the point where I passed out from almost overdosing on whatever shit I took. Was I the one that needed to be saved? Of course not, I always came back twice as strong.
"Joseph?" That was until somebody would break down my walls and make me kneel to the devil himself.