I see him shuffle around on his feet and I know he has a condom in his head. The first thing that comes into my mind is if I should do it, but I have no idea how. Maybe next time I will, I'll watch this time.
How many girls have done this? How many girls have put a condom on him and done this exact thing same thing? Did he have the same mindset?
No. He's never loved anyone before me, no one.
"Hey," he whispers and suddenly places his warm hand on my thigh. I didn't even see him move closer to me so my mind must be completely clouded. "I'm all yours, no one else's," He seems to read my mind.
I slowly nod and pick at my finger nails, he stands back up and continues to unwrap it slowly, staring at each curve of the packaging, I know his mind is racing with different thoughts.
He leads his own hands to himself after he figures that I'm not going to help this time. When I see him completely bare with the transparent thing at the top of him, butterflies hit the walls of my stomach. His fingers roll it all the way down, and I look up at him. His eyes are completely focused on his own hands with his jaw flexed to a point, I begin to wish that I rolled it on. It's pretty obvious how to do it. I'm so stupid.
He then flicks his eyes back to mine and the fire rebuilds at the bottom of my stomach. He lightly gestures for me to lay down and as soon as I do, he hovers over me and I lose breath like I always do. I slowly blink, just because I don't necessarily believe that this is real. I notice the concern comes to his face but his brown eyes are somehow filled with innocence and content, I don't understand how he can look cute at a time like this. I probably look like a mess.
He brushes our noses together, "you really want to do this? With me?" He asks. Our eyes are only inches apart and this contact we're holding is making me feeble.
I slowly nod, infatuated as his hot breath runs along my lips.
His hand trails down to his shaft and more butterflies fill my stomach as I feel the condom brush against me, oh my God. I bite my lip out of nerves and he kisses my mouth.
I like that his face is so close to mine, it makes me feel safe.
It seems as if he's teasing me and himself as he moves the condom up and down. I don't know how it feels but it doesn't feel like how his fingers do, it's not even in me yet but it feels like it's going to hurt.
"It's going to hurt, you have to tell me if you want me to stop, okay?" I don't think I've ever heard his voice like this, so strong but at the same time it's full of nervousness.
I should be more nervous than him, he's done this a thousand times.
I push those thoughts in the way back of my brain, the girls in his past are just that, his past. I'm his present and hopeful future, this is his first time making love.
I nod again, there's no way I can speak in a state like this, I'm complete mush under his perfect body.
He looks at me for a least ten more seconds and I begin to grow anxious. I hope he goes slow, I know he probably doesn't want to, but I hope he does for me.
Pain shoots up my body and my eyes squeeze shut as I feel him push into me, "Ah.." I groan, my eye brows pull together. Holy shit, it's happening.
Jacks eyes immediately look down at our connected bodies, "fuck." He moans.
My squeezed eyes flutter open to his face, his jaw is tight, his eyes shut, his bottom lip is in between his white teeth, I almost lose my breath as I watch him.
His eyes open, and stare intensely into mine, "are you okay?" He says slowly and completely uncontrolled.
There's a huge bubble in my throat and I'm not sure if I want scream or cry, so I keep my mouth shut. Knowing I don't want either of those.
Oh my God, I didn't know that it hurt this bad. How do people do this all the time?
He moves his lips to my neck and I squeeze his arm, trying to wrap my brain around the pleasure of the situation, not the pain.
"Oh my god," His strong whine leaves his plump lips, "I love you." He whispers, the heat in my stomach grows bigger and bigger at his words, he thrusts slightly deeper, making the pinching feeling continue.
In reality I love it, I love this so much, I would take this immense pain over and over again to feel this way, being as close as I possibly can to him. I can tell it's taking everything he has to control himself, to keep a slow steady pace for me, and I love him even more for it.
The salty taste of the sweat shining on his lips makes me want so much more, he eyebrows are still pulled together and I can tell that he's trying to keep his eyes open, but he can't. I reach my neck a little higher to place my lips on his neck and he moans my name. Holy hell, I'll never get over the sound of that.
"I don't want it to hurt," he tries to get out but his breath is staggering as his hips roll against mine, "I'm sorry. I love you." He repeats and I suck his skin harder, just at the place that drives him crazy.
The pain is barely gone, it's still such a foreign feeling and it's uncomfortable, the pinch returns every time he thrusts into me.
I watch as his muscles contract and pull together, when he buries his head in the crook of my neck, I nearly lose it. He's so beautiful in every way and the things he's saying and doing for me puts my feelings for him on a whole other level. I rake my fingers through his hair.
It hurts, but it feels so good. Something about this, him, makes everything indescribable, it stings, in a beautiful way.
"I- I'm gonna come." He groans into my neck
Butterflies and nerves erupt in my stomach and nerves kick back in, I know I don't feel the same pleasure as him right now, but everything's worth it.
His lips move the lobe of my ear, I feel his breath trail around my ear, "I love you." He repeats. I'll never get tired of hearing him say that, it'll never just be normal. It'll always make me crazy.
I feel him fill into the condom and his mouth falls open, "shit." He whispers
He collapses beside me, our heavy breathing sounding around the air.
"I.." He whispers, not knowing what to say, I turn my head over and look at him, his eyes stare at the ceiling, searching for something, the look in his eyes is pure admiration, and I bet mine look the same.
I watch as his lips turn up into a smile, "That was so amazing." He says, my heart swells for an unknown reason and I scotch closer to him, he immediately wraps his arms around my shoulders and nestles me into his chest.
"So," His voice is raspy and low, his breath is heavier than it usually is. "How did you like it?" He asks, turning his head to me, causing our noses to brush
"It was beautiful but," I shift my legs slightly, "it hurts." I say, his face breaks into a smile and his laughter fills my ears, "It will get better, I swear." He kisses my forehead
"I don't want to move," I breath onto his bare shoulder with a smile, I don't feel the heat rush to my cheeks because at the state I'm in right now, i literally feel like I'll never be embarrassed again.
"I think I need to throw my sheets out." He chuckles and my eyebrows pull together, "why?" He tries to fight his smug smile as he gestures behind me, I lightly move my head to see the whiteness of the sheet but instead I see blood.
I spoke too soon.
My eyes shoot open and I shove my head into the pillow "Oh my god, no." I sigh. (no this isn't a bet wtf stop commenting that idgi)
"It's fine," He smiles and watches as my cheeks redden, "You're just lucky you're cute." He says while getting up and I roll my eyes.
He slips on his boxers as I pull his comforter over my body,
He throws me his shirt that lays on the floor, "What?" I say
"Put it on,"
"Why?" I ask as I stand up from the bed, but I obviously oblige. I've only worn Jacks shirt twice, one was when I woke up with it and I had a hang over. The other was thirty minutes ago when he made me take it back off, so I don't see why he is asking me to. As soon as it slips over my head Jack's scent surrounds me, making me grateful for his suggestion for the second time tonight.
"Something to wear. I," He turns around and looks at me, his eyes don't go wide but his eyebrows raise, focusing his attention back on me
"What?" I say and slip my underwear back on, not wanting to walk around with nothing covering me.
"You just," he starts, his eyes trailing up and down me. "I don't know, I thought you looked amazing but now I'm wondering which is sexier, you wearing that laced bra or you wearing my clothes." He says, very calm. I try to fight my smile as a tide of confidence washes over me and I walk past him, as if heading towards the door but I'm not going anywhere.
His hand smacks my bottom and I jump, spinning around. The usual smug smile covers his perfect face, followed with a deep, charming laugh. He puts his hands up in surrender and I reach my arm out in attempt to slap his for good measure, but he swiftly grabs both my wrists in one hand.
He dips his head down to mine and shakes his head teasingly, I release from his grip.
I love this playful Jack, he makes me feel more relaxed and less worried that I've just made a life altering decision only moments ago.
He walks over and plugs his phone into the charger, scrolling his thumb over the screen, "So where does your mom go? Like she's here one day and she's gone the next?"
"Um," I think of a simple way to out it, "In a way she works for my dad, she would kill me if I put it that way, but that's kind of how it is. They leave all the time but never together." I sit on the edge of his bed
"So who watched you when you were little?" He sets his phone down to look at me
"Random babysitters, my mom always seemed to have a problem with both sides of the family so never my aunts or cousins." I admit to him. It's so weird when me and Jack have conversations like this, I've only ever told Mallory these things.
He studies me as he leans back against the dresser for a few moments, "Want me to order some pizza?" He attempts to lighten the conversation, but it's an awkward transition from one subject to the next.
I laugh, "yeah, sure."
He nods and smiles, "okay." He gets up and strides towards the door. I take this time to collect myself.
I begin to breathe in and out slowly, it's too crazy to actually comprehend that I no longer am a virgin, I feel that most people who do, regret it soon after, but something feels so right about this, and I don't think I'll ever forget it, nor regret it.
I can't help but wonder if I look as good as I feel, I feel warm and oddly at peace. The memory of Jack hovering over me as he moved in and out of me makes my stomach clench. Now I know why people obsess over sex.
I get up off Jack's bed to look at myself in the long mirror. Oh.
My cheeks have a natural, but bright pink glow to them, my hair is waved to the side of my face, my lips are swollen, Jack's shirt is bunched up on the sides to they rest on the curve of my hips so the pinkness of my lace underwear is visible, and I swear I can see a beautiful fire behind my brown eyes. I can't help but notice the small red marks along my neck, I vaguely remember when he made them. My mind takes me back to him making love to me, his mouth hot and wet against me, I'm completely snapped from my thoughts as the door opens, causing me to jump slightly.
The corners of his mouth lift up in a cute smile. He walks over and gestures me to turn back around to the mirror, when I do he places his chin on my shoulder, wrapping his arms around my front. As I continue to look in the mirror, his hands trace my stomach, forcing the shirt to lift higher, making the reflection more interesting, watching him feel me in admiration, looking at me with content, it's indefinable.
He kisses my neck before releasing me, something has changed in him too. The way his smile is wider and the way his eyes brighten as they look at me. I honestly don't think anyone else would be able to spot the change in him, but I can, clear as day.
"What?" He questions and tilts his head
I shrug my shoulders, "I just love you." His cheeks redden and he looks at the floor with a smile, something twists in my stomach whenever I make him bashful, it seems as if I have the upper hand for a short time. We both seem to be high and giddy off each other and I can't get enough of it, I love this.
"Do you think we did this too early?" I can't help but ask, I don't think we did, but I feel as if I need to ask
His eyebrows furrow together, "It's been three months you know." He says,
three months?
It seems much longer but at the same time much shorter than that.
"That we've known each other, we haven't been together that long." I admit
He looks at me with confusion for a few moments before shaking his head slowly, then lifting his hand up and nervously running his fingers through his messy hair, "You weren't ready?" His voice shakes. I'm about to tell him he's wrong but he continues to go on, "fuck, I should've, fuck."
"No, no, no." I walk towards him and take his hand from his hair in mine, "That's not what I'm saying. I think it was the right time, but I can't help but think if it was actually the right time. It doesn't make sense but,"
"Stop caring what people think." He sternly interrupts me
I sigh, it's just how i've grown up, I physically can't not give a shit about anything. I have to care about peoples opinions, it's the worst habit, but it has eased since everything started with Jack.
"I know." I look at the floor.
His thumb and forefinger go under my chin to meet my eyes with his, "I love you, you love me, you wanted it, I've wanted it." He begins, his words send something running through my veins, I don't know how but every time he says words like these my skin jumps in the most exciting way, "I don't know how relationships work, I'm just used to fucking," I cringe and he sighs, "Being with girls for a night, I have to get used to this, this is all new to me. I'm sorry if it seems like things are moving too fast, I just don't know how to slow down." He says and let's his hand fall from my chin in a sigh.
I raise my hand to the back of his neck to pull him down for a kiss, a quick, sweet one. I like those the best.
"I'm not used to thinking of someone before I do something, like thinking about how they'll feel about it before I do it, you know?" He says and I nod.
I'm well aware the only "love"Jack has had in a relationship was his mothers and Johnson's, it's different for him to feel this specific love.
"Well, we can work on it." I smile.
It's weird to think the difference from me and Jack three months ago, to now. We barely talked but when we did he would give me an eye roll or an annoying comment, as weird as it is I would secretly love when he would bug me, as if I craved his attention, it seems pathetic now, but it didn't then.
In the small time together we've transcended into something much better, despite his fight with his father I've never seen him break or beat anyone up, I know he did before, but I hope I'm his reason he doesn't need to anymore.
I hope he never has to physically fight for me, he doesn't need to. I don't have threats around me, I never have and don't intend to, but something tells me that if I did, it wouldn't end well for either of us.
"I am." as he speaks I literally see the truth in his eyes, the light determination, he wants to change, and I love him because of it.