After sleeping on what to do about the Liam problem for a couple of nights, I decided to bite the bullet and confront Liam. I got the bus over to his house, where we were going to go to the park for a walk out. I didn't have a clue how I was going to bring it up, I just knew I had to be tactful so as not to disrespect his feelings.
"Hiya," he said, walking out the door as I arrived outside his house. "Saw you coming down the road."
"We going to the park then?" I said, nodding my head over to the nearby gates.
"Yeah," he nodded, joining me on the pavement as we started walking over.
Nothing was really different in our conversation but I felt extremely awkward. I felt like it was hanging over me, but I just couldn't seem to find the right gap in the conversation to do it. We were jumping from topic to topic almost as if we both knew something was up but were doing the absolute most to avoid it.
I looked up at Liam to the sun shining down at him through the trees, glowing off his brown hair and I thought this was the moment I had to mention it. I felt disgustingly guilty; it was a rare moment in which Liam looked completely content, and here I was about to shatter it into pieces.
"Shall we sit down for a cig?" I asked him, gesturing my arm over to a little bench by the side of the path and he nodded before walking towards it.
"I'm so tired me," he sighed, running his hands through his hair. "Went out to play footy with the lads this morning."
"Erm, Liam," I said tentatively in a soft voice as I lit my cigarette.
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask you a bit of an awkward question?" I said nervously. It felt like with every word I was getting colder, feeling my hands begin to shake with anxiety.
"What?" He said, looking up clearly worried.
"There's literally no decent way to ask this," I deliberated before taking a deep breath. "Have you got feelings for me? Just because Noel said you did but I just needed to hear it from you because I've been really stressing over it the last few days and I just didn't know what to do at all because Noel said we necked on and-"
"I do yeah," he mumbled, his head bowed under the guise of lighting the cigarette between his lips as he interrupted my rambling.
"Oh," I simply said, not knowing how else I could reply. I had never planned as far as actually getting my answer.
"I'm not going to lie to you Holl," he sighed, leaning back against the bench at blowing his smoke upwards into the air, but there was hope in his voice that was like torture for me. "You're fucking fit as fuck, sound as fuck and the only girl ever met whose ever actually give me a run for my money. I'm "
"I'm seeing Graham," I said quietly, lowering my voice to just above a whisper. I don't regret any of the decisions I'd made with regards to which boy I chose, but it killed me to tell him this knowing how much it was going to hurt him.
"What?" he said, looking at me, his expression unreadable. "When did that start again?"
"Like a few days ago," I admitted. "The day before we're supposed to have necked on."
"It was barely a neck on," he sighed, flicking the ash from his tab as he shook his head with an exhausted look on his face. It was as if the glimmer of hope I could see in him moments ago had simply flown away in front of my eyes, and I felt my heart ache at the sight of it. "I kissed you and you kissed back for like a second."
There was a silence after as all I could think of was to nod.
"So you like him then?" He said, referring to Graham.
"Yeah, I do," I nodded. "I'm sorry. I love you so much but you're my best friend."
"I know," he said, looking straight in front of him with an empty gaze. "Doesn't matter anyway."
He stood up and began walking away.
"Where you going?" I asked, standing up and walking after him.
"Home," he said.
"Can we not talk about it?"
"Just leave it, Holl," he sighed. "Look, I'll give you a ring, just give me a couple of days."
-
Liam
I didn't know what to feel as I walked through the park, after leaving Holly there on her own on that bench. I was heartbroken - I knew she didn't want me in the first place, which was why I hadn't said anything. I was lonely - I'd lost everything I have with my best friend. I was feeling sort of insecure - I'd never been rejected before and it made me wonder, I had given her everything I could and yet she still couldn't love me and I don't know what more I could have done. But before all of that, I was angry. Proper fucking angry.
I walked upstairs and opened the bedroom door that was on the other side of the landing, seeing my brother sat on the bed with his guitar.
"Alright kid?" he asked me, looking at me as if he had no idea what happened when it was all his fault.
"What the fuck are you stirring shit for?" I asked him, my voice low and slow as I tried to keep calm rather than just bursting in screaming.
"What you on about?" He asked, standing up as he immediately jumped to the defensive, realising that something had happened.
"Telling Holly I'm into her," I said, shoving his shoulders and he stumbled back slightly. Noel grabbed my shoulders to try and calm me down but the more I looked at him the more rage I felt.
"Mate, it was killing you," he said calmly and I shoved him again, but this time after stumbling, he got back up to his feet and I felt his hands collide with my shoulders as he shoved me in return.
"You've fucking ruined everything!" I shouted, grabbing the collar of his shirt and shoving him hard against the door where we struggled for a few seconds before he pushed me off and threw his fist at my nose. I doubled over as I grabbed my nose, feeling blood gush down my face.
"Fucking behave yourself," he belted back. "I've done you a fucking favour."
"Doing me a favour would've been getting her to be with me," I returned. I felt my throat tighten and I found it more and more difficult to scream and shout at Noel, despite how much I wanted to. The burning rage that I was feeling was beginning to subside as I felt tears come into my eyes, leaving me confused as to what I was actually feeling.
Noel didn't reply, he just looked at me with a stony expression before opening his mouth to speak. "Sit down."
I did as he said, taking a seat on his bed and he sat down next to me, throwing his arm over my shoulder as I burst out in tears. I felt pathetic crying into his arms, but there was something cathartic about letting it all out to him. I told Holly everything, all of my problems, but no matter how upset I got, I never cried to her, even though she was my main person to talk to. I tried to look strong, to match how strong she always was, but she saw right through. She knew me better than anybody, except maybe my mam and Noel.
"I'm not gonna sit here and tell you she's not worth your time," he told me, holding me against him tightly as I sobbed. "She is a world class bird. If you could've got her then you'd have been sorted for life. You just made the mistake of starting on the wrong foot. But she loves you, and yeah it's not in the way you want, but it's better than not at all."
"Why did you have to tell her?" I muttered, wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt, feeling the tears sting the cut on my lip.
"I could see how bad it was getting for you," he said. "You got too close for things to stay mutually platonic, but obviously when you get that close it gets hard to put boundaries in place. I had to tell her, because even though it hurts now, and it'll probably hurt for a while, you'll be better off in the long run. Maybe in a few months or sommat you'll see her, and you'll be over her and you can be mates again like how things were before."
"She's the best thing to happen to me," I said simply, looking at the floor. "Now she's seeing this lad from those blur wankers."
"Trust me kid," he said, rubbing my shoulder comfortingly. "It'll all work out in the end."