You'd held him like a child.
He hadn't been able to say anything else, the unspoken words threatening to break him down.
So you had held him, swallowing back your tears for his sake and rocking him back and forth.
You hadn't pushed him to talk any further, scared of making him relive the experience all over again.
Some moments later, the nurses had come into the room and urged him to use the wheelchair and he had never left your eyes for a second, even when the door closed behind him.
You were now left with a feeling of emptiness that no other person could fill.
You just couldn't wrap your head around the fact that he had killed a person for you.
A despicable, evil, but living person nonetheless.
Just how far could Jungkook go for your sake? you thought.
"I hope you're feeling better by now."
You turn your head to the side and see Manager Sejin sitting on the same chair.
You hadn't even noticed him, too absorbed into the swirling vortex of thoughts in your mind.
There's a smile on his lips but it doesn't quite reach his eyes.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Good. Then we can continue."
He pulls his chair close to your bed and props his elbows on his knees.
"You do realize you have caused us a lot of trouble, right?" he begins.
You fail to look him in the eye as the embarrassment of recent events causes heat to rise in your face.
"I know and I am really sorry."
"Just being sorry isn't enough, though. I would've let you off the hook if you had brought these things only to yourself but the problem is, you haven't.
You've made the other members get caught up into your situations."
As you slowly raise your head, you notice that this isn't just a normal scolding session. Sejin wasn't gonna let this go with just a couple of warnings.
The guy was serious about this and you had to admit, he was right.
Jungkook had had to kill someone because of you.
You wished you had died instead.
"First, I get notified by the bodyguards that you had thrown a tantrum at the beach, unnecessarily looking for Jimin when he was safe and sound just a little further. Then, you get drunk as a skunk, making us delete all the footage ,and let's not even mention the childish swearing and cussing."
You open your mouth to say something, but no words come out.
What could you possibly tell him?
He was right about everything.
"Did you know what Jungkook had to do? He said that when the man came back, he tried to kidnap you again. While they were brawling, Jungkook had grabbed a rock and smashed it into his skull."
You stare at him, mouth agape.
Jungkook...
"He was in a state of shock because of what he'd done, but he managed to pull himself together for you. And you don't even know what he went through because you've been unconscious for two days".
He sighs and lowers his tone a little bit, trying not to get too carried away.
"I know that not everything that happened is your fault. Jungkook said he was the one who pushed you to go out of the bodyguards' sight, but that doesn't justify your actions.
You should realize that the boys, especially Jungkook, tend to be more reckless when they're around you. I don't know if it is to prove you something or just because they want to."
He glares at you with daggers shooting from his eyes.
"I also noticed that you've become rather close with him."
You duck your head again in shame. He had almost caught you red-handed a while ago.
"Listen, Y/N. I'm going to be honest with you. You're really good at your job. You can sing, dance and perform perfectly, but you're no good for the boys.
You're a bad influence."
There they were.
The words you had been expecting.
You'd figured out that it was a matter of time before he'd say them.
You muster up the courage to raise your head as a final act of maintaining your dignity.
There's no emotion in your words - no hate, no hard feelings.
Just pure professionalism.
"I'm really sorry about everything. I'll pack up my bags as soon as they remove my bandages."
He nods once and you can't help but almost cringe at his sigh of obvious satisfaction.
"It was nice knowing you, Y/N-ssi." he says and offers a hand for you to shake on.
You extend yours and fight the urge to squeeze it harder than you have to.
He rises from his seat and leaves the room.
You felt like someone had ripped a chunk from your heart and shredded it to pieces.
No more concerts, no more shows, no more shooting, no more fun time spending with the boys.
No more family.
It was time for you to leave the group.
* * *
"So, what was so urgent that you called all of us here?"
You're stalling for time, not knowing how to say it to them, and Namjoon wasn't making it any easier with those pretty eyes of his boring into you.
"I have been thinking a lot lately." you say. "And I've noticed that there are so many things that I have to fix."
"Like what?" Jin asks.
"My life. It's pretty much in shambles right now."
"Uh-oh, I think the nurses must have put something into her medicine." Taehyung says.
"I'm not joking, hyung. This is serious."
"Is this because of the accident? We thought you'd gotten over it by now." Jimin approaches you with worried eyes.
"It's not just that. Everything I've done has gone for the worse and I don't feel well."
"Is there something bothering you? Are you sick?"
"No, I just-"
"What exactly are you trying to say?" Namjoon insists.
"I'm saying that I need to take a break."
"For how long?" Yoongi asks.
"Forever."
"What?!" Taehyung exclaims.
The others echo him and you're left with their constant buzzing into your ears, words that you can't discern.
"What do you mean by forever? Is this some kind of joke?"
You say nothing.
"Y/N, we know you feel bad about what Jungkook did but it was not your fault."
Jimin looks at you sympathetically and you almost drop your guard, almost tell him that it was not your choice, that you had to do this because of them.
You'd realized they wouldn't let you go if you told them the truth so you had to improvise. Let them think you were leaving the group to satisfy your own ego. Be selfish for once.
It was the only way they could carry on without you.
"I know that, hyung. But I don't feel like doing this anymore. I think I'm gonna do things on my own from now on."
Hurt flashes in his eyes and you can feel your heart being shattered into a million pieces.
"You wanna go solo?" Jin asks.
You still say nothing.
"But we've been together for so long." Taehyung pleads.
They look at you expectantly, begging for you to at least show some emotion, except for Namjoon, who can't seem to take his distrustful eyes off of you.
Damn him and his 148 IQ.
You muster up the courage as you try to keep your voice from shaking.
"It's time I leave the group."
"You what?!"
You snap your head towards the voice and you suddenly wish for the floor to split open and swallow you whole.
Jungkook is standing on the doorway, flabbergasted at your declaration.
He closes the distance in three long strides, instantly at the side of the bed.
For a moment you forget about everything and almost cry in relief at his improvement. There was still a hint of limping but he was walking just fine.
"Tell me this is a joke."
"I..."
"Y/N."
"I'm not joking."
It's like all of his face loses its pigment, and he just stares at you, speechless.
Then, two droplets of tears slide from his cheeks to his chin.
You'd never seen him cry since debuting.
"After all we got through, you're giving up now? You wanna chase after your dreams? Huh? Is that what you wanna do?"
"Jungkook, please..."
"Why now? Why now out of all times?" His voice cracks and it's the most heartbreaking sound you've ever heard.
You can't do this anymore.
You have to get out, get away before the truth spills from your lips.
On the verge of tears, you rip the blanket off of you and start clawing at the tubes attached to your arms.
"Y/N, what are you doing - " you hear the others say, but you can't stop.
Out.
You had to get out.
Jungkook grips you by your forearm with pleading eyes but you shake him off.
Out.
"Are you okay?"
"Y/N, I'll call the nurses-"
"Just let her go". Namjoon's voice.
In nothing but your hospital gown, you make your way out of the room.
* * *
The continuous chirping of the birds doesn't do anything to calm the raging storm of emotions in you. You felt conflicted, having to choose between playing the bad guy and being truthful.
You hated it with all your might but there was nothing else you could do.
It had come to this.
"Int tajjeb?" the nurse asks you in Maltese.
"Iva. Grazzi."
At least the week spent here had proven to be worthy of something.
You'd managed to learn some basic phrases and you could understand that she had just told you if you were okay now.
The nurse offers you a smile and scuttles away, tending to another patient.
You take a deep breath of the crispy air and let it sink in.
The bench you were sitting on and your lack of undergarment beneath the gown didn't do anything to shield you from the cold breeze.
Oh, how you wished you could let everything go to hell.
You were sick and tired of it.
What were you gonna do from now on?
Where were you gonna go?
Just go back to your parents in shame, with not a single decent excuse to why you had left?
Absolutely not.
You feel a jacket being thrown around your shoulders and you lift your eyes to see Hoseok's head above you, wearing an apologetic smile.
"Thanks." you barely whisper.
He takes a seat next to you and stares ahead.
"You know, I've only seen Jungkook cry before we debuted." he says in a low, cautious voice. "I was going through a lot and I decided to leave the group. The kid started bawling his eyes out. I don't think he ever cried like that for his parents."
You nod, remembering all too well the exact look on his face when Hoseok had claimed his farewell.
He turns his head now, looking at you dead in the eye.
"Jungkook loves you, Y/N. We all know that."
You almost choke by the straight-forwardness of his words.
"And I know you're not really interested in starting a solo career. You think we're dumb?"
"But I-"
He stops you with a palm raised in front of him.
"I don't want to hear it. But just know,
Y/N, that Jungkook doesn't deserve to experience this for the second time."
You gulp harshly and the sting of your next lie makes your throat hurt.
"Well, then tell Jungkook that I also have a life to live."
It was over.
You were never gonna go back to how it was before.
The words had been said and the damage had been made.
All of it intentionally.
If he wasn't gonna fall for your previous lies, then he would definitely buy this.
He doesn't say anything but the shock is quite visible on his face.
He nods once and leaves without looking back.
The jacket slips from your shoulders and along with it, the fake mask of your pretension.
* * *
The heavy suitcase weighs you down and it's all you can do not to scrape it on the floor.
Clad in new, comfortable clothes you make your way towards the room with the number 215 on it.
You can't get rid of the nervousness that has taken hold of you, no matter how hard you try.
With shaking hands, you put the suitcase on the ground and crack the door open, careful not to make a sound.
He's laying on his back, wrapped up in the blankets, eyes closed.
You grimace, trying to hold in the whimper that rises in your throat.
Feet light as a cat, you approach the bed, obviously too small for him as his legs were sticking out of the frame.
If only you knew how much I love you.
If only you knew how I wish we could stay like this forever.
You bend down and press a feather-light kiss on his forehead.
The last time you'll ever look at him like this, drinking him in, savoring the feeling of his image behind your eyelids.
He was gonna hate you with all his might, you knew that.
You knew it and you still did what you had to do.
As long as he is safe.
As long as they are safe.
You take backwards steps and close the door behind you, your heart now a shattered mess.