Will wasn't blind to the distance growing in his marriage. He wasn't entirely certain the reason. Maybe he didn't want to know the reason.
But he did nothing to fight it.
Mostly because he was busy doing research for Ginny McIntyre. He didn't want Kate throwing a fit about it or the time he was spending in the Edges.
He needed to spend time there. The cold emptiness of the Dark almost took the pain away from his leg. The closer he got to the Dark, the less he felt.
He wanted to feel nothing.
He was also in the midst of tracking down Madeline's family. All the signs pointed towards them living in the Edges. Madeline's husband had some connections to Silver Paradise, and the Edges were the best place to disappear.
So Will spent the hot summer navigating his way through the Edges. It was so easy to lose track of time in the Edges, the world of constant darkness. Without meaning, he found himself getting home past two some nights. It didn't help that he was slower because of his leg. Sometimes when he left the invisible barrier between the Edges, his pain returned with full force. Sometimes it paralyzed him.
He didn't want to worry Kate. But it seemed like he wasn't going to worry her. She was either asleep when he returned or she wasn't there at all.
One night, he was returning home from the Edges and he stopped to watch a terrible scene. A book burning. The worst part was it wasn't even a sanctioned book burning. It seemed to be unofficial, organized by some Guards and a mob. He knew the book shop. The owner sold forbidden works, but no one could prove anything. It seemed like this was just an impromptu attack.
"Do you know what's going on?" Will asked a woman.
"Heard they found religious works from Before the Dark," the woman said. "They think she was trying to lead people to the Dark."
Will doubted it. This was just an act of hate. To make an example of those who tried to find the truth.
Someone broke away from the sick scene. In the light of the bonfire, Will could see a girl. She was clutching something to her chest; from the brief look Will got, it looked like books.
She was risking her life for books.
Of course a guard rushed after, one who was used to outrunning worse than a teenage girl. Will remembered how a perfect stranger had delayed a guard when he had escaped with Mitsuko. It had been just enough time for them to get away. On impulse, Will moved to stop the guard. He was close enough that he could delay the man. He could even claim that he lost his balance. It probably wouldn't be enough for Will to get away, but the girl would be gone into the night. Saving her book.
But he had forgotten his leg. He moved too fast, and the pain seized his leg. He missed the guard, who easily ran past him and ended up falling on his face. His cane clattered down next to him, punctuating his failure.
The woman from earlier helped him up. It was a struggle and Will's knee felt like Shin was still smashing those orbs on his knees. The pressure on his leg was excruciating.
But it was worse to see that the guard had apprehended the girl. He forced her back to the bonfire and made her throw her book into the flames.
"I don't know what that child was thinking. Who knows what possesses these children? How do they go so wrong?" the helpful woman said. "They never understand the consequences of their actions. There is always a price for defying the Eternal."
Will's knee howled in pain, echoing the woman's words.
He shook off the woman's attempts to find a ride for him. He couldn't afford it, anyway. He stayed, watching the travesty. It was stupid to care so much—he had seen people die. But the written word outlasted life. People could die, but their soul lived on in their words. Will could never believe in Matthew's paradise. And he was the last person who would join with the Eternal Light. But he knew words lasted. He had held the proof in his hands.
Now he watched it burn away. And it sickened him.
He only left when nothing remained but smoke and ash and the crowd dispersed. Will discreetly asked around, but nobody saw what happened to the girl. Nobody knew her.
He couldn't go back to Matthew's. Matthew loved the written word even more than Will. It would crush him.
At least that was the excuse Will gave himself for not going home.
He ended up in a tavern. It wasn't their regular one. He didn't need anyone telling Kate he was out so late. He ordered a drink and pulled out his notebook, overwhelmed with the urge to write down everything. To not let it be forgotten.
The melancholy piano music wasn't helping the tone of his writing. He had to remember to get out his reading glasses. He had another drink and finished the terrible tale.
A woman sat down next to Will and ordered a drink. They got to talking, neither saying anything of value. Will suspected they were both putting off going home. Eventually, she asked him what he had written.
Will wasn't afraid she would cry heretic. This wasn't a place for judgement. He pushed the notebook towards her and took off his glasses. "Might as well read it. No one else ever will."
He had another drink while she read his account. She was silent for a while after reading.
"Why won't you publish it?" she asked.
"What's the point?" Will asked. "No one really cares. Anyone who cares can't do anything. They were just books."
"What of the poor girl?"
"No one cares," Will reiterated. "People go missing all the time. There was a chance to fight back. And it's gone."
She finished her drink. "My brother is one of those," she said. "Disappeared during the Orb Crisis. I care."
"Have you asked around? Some people publish notices..."
"Can't do that," she said in a mournful tone. "I have three children. And a husband who doesn't want trouble. I wish I could. Or I wish I could open the paper and read what happened to him."
"You're fine just knowing?"
"Truth is all we've got," she said. "Those rebels... they got it all wrong. Thought we could get rid of the Eternal. Fucking fools. All it's brought us is a mountain of trouble. But... but they tried. Damned fools were still good enough to try. That means something. It does mean something, doesn't it?"
"I hope it means something..."
A few more drinks. Melancholy conversation. Not much from Will. He just encouraged her to speak of her brother. She seemed like she needed to talk about him. It was a common story, but Will listened. It ended up surprising Will when she suggested they go some place private.
"Oh..." Will said uncomfortably. "I... I'm married."
She held up her wedding ring. "Doesn't bother me."
Will took a real look at the woman. She was a few years older than Will. Her dark curls were undone and spilled over her shoulders. She wasn't stunning, but she wasn't unattractive. He didn't look his best these days, either.
But it sparked something for him. Maybe it was the loneliness in her eyes. Maybe it was her bosom. But Will felt aroused. He even forgot the pain in his leg. All he wanted was to go somewhere private with this woman. He wanted to kiss her. Fuck her. Lose himself.
"Sorry." Will gave a small smile. "I have an early day tomorrow."
Will took off. He felt so far away from the sound of gravel crunching beneath his labored steps and sketchy strangers, who ignored him as soon as they realized he would have nothing. The pain in his knee returned, like a punishment for his moment of temptation. He stopped by a lamppost and clutched his cane so tight that his knuckles turned white. His vision blurred and shadows seemed to seep into his veins, a physical reminder of the corruption he was supposed to have. Out of the corner of his eye, the glint of a distant sanctuary beckoned. The brilliant glow promised absolution for his shadowy soul.
He shook his head, and his sight cleared. No shadows infected his skin. He wished he could blame corruption.
But he was just a bad person.
It was fairly late when he returned home. It surprised him to see that Kate was up, let alone home. She said she would be working late.
Even though Will knew the paper wouldn't need her.
"Are you all right?" Kate asked him.
Why did she always insist on asking if he was all right?
"Fine," he mumbled.
He sat down and took his shoes off. Sometimes Kate would rush over to help him—like he was a child. This time, she didn't look up from her book.
"Why are you so late?" she finally asked.
"Here." He handed her the paper.
Kate quickly read the account. "Why were you out there watching a book burning?" she demanded.
"Because it's the best entertainment next to watching people drown," Will said, unable to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.
"You're not planning to publish this, are you?"
"Why?"
"Don't you think that will provoke the Eternal? After you're finally free?" Kate asked.
"Are you shitting me?" Will asked. "This is what bothers you? Really? You don't see me burning sacred texts in retaliation or attacking Guards. I'm just writing what happened. Like always."
"Look what happened to me when I wrote an article like always!" Kate said.
"It's just about a book burning!" Anger erupted in Will. "It's reporting what happened. I'm not writing an opinion piece. Just the truth!"
She scowled. "Just the truth almost got me killed!"
"What do you want?" Will asked. "Do you want me to bury it? Doesn't it matter?"
"No. I'm not saying that," she said with a sigh. "I'm overreacting. Of course you should publish it. Just... use a pseudonym."
"No."
"No?"
"Why should I?" Will clenched his jaw. "I'm telling the truth. The truth was, I was there."
Kate brushed back her short curls. "I am not asking you for the moon! I'm asking you to not get yourself arrested."
"For what? It's the truth."
"Will, why are you being so stupid?" Kate's forehead creased with frustration. "We're being watched. This could rebound badly! And it's not like your article is exactly neutral. I can see the clear bias. You made that poor girl out to be some sort of noble hero. You don't know shit about her and have no idea why she did it."
"I made that obvious!"
"The implications are obvious!" Kate said. "I'm not arguing with you, but you're not using your name."
"I didn't realize you were my boss," Will said sharply.
"I'm asking you..."
He glared. "It sounded like you were telling me."
"Don't do this to me!" Her face flushed with anger. "Don't put me through this again. Not so soon! If I mean anything to you, don't use your name."
"What name should I use? How about Shin..."
"That's not funny!"
"I wasn't trying to be!" Will retorted. "Fine. I'll use some fake name. Does that make you happy?"
"Of course not!" Kate huffed. "Stop acting like I'm the enemy."
Will's response was to leave the apartment and go use the building's toilet. It smelled like shit in there, but it was better than fighting with his wife. He took his time and Kate was lying on the futon when he returned. He washed up, undressed and lay down, as far away from Kate as possible.
"Will?" Kate said, long after he thought she had fallen asleep.
"Yes?"
"I'm sorry, all right? I wasn't feeling good. But thank you, all right? I appreciate you doing this for us," Kate said.
There was no point in a churlish reply. "What happened... that's what matters. Credit is nothing to quibble about," Will said.
That morning, they went to work together. It was the first time they really did it since last fall. Kate seemed in a good mood and Will tried to respond in kind, but his heart wasn't in it.
He felt worse when he met with the new managing editor. Juan Perez was a brother of Carlos Perez. And Carlos Perez had been Shin's mentor. Juan didn't have a problem with Will's article. But he was too curious about Will's reluctance to use his name.
"I don't think it matters," Will said uncomfortably. "Other writers use fake names. The story is what counts."
"True," Juan acknowledged. "But if you're afraid of retaliation, I wouldn't be. I don't think the Sacred State is going after you for something like this. And they'd look like complete asses go after a man who can scarce walk."
Will wanted to sink into the floor. He assured Juan that he was fine using another name. Then he left the office, feeling completely ashamed. Juan must think that Will had become a complete coward. Jon Knight had always used his name proudly, even though that put him in danger.
Before he left, Kate suggested lunch. Will lied, saying that he had business. He made his way to the Edges, but found himself sinking down on an abandoned bench. What was the point? He wasn't finding anything about the Martins. He wasn't doing anything useful. He was just a broken coward.
The desire for a drink overwhelmed him. But he had blown most of his money the previous night. Yet even in the cold of the Edges, his leg hurt. There was only one place he knew it wouldn't hurt so bad. He took the long trip to the Dark.
It was always hard to tell when he reached the Dark. Just getting close to it meant going through a practically pitch-black area. People left markers up so that people would be warned of the boundaries between the Illuminated World and the Dark. The confusion was there were many markers.
Every now and then, the Dark would shift. Like the tide. It would creep into the Illuminated World. Then it would move backwards. There was often little warning. There were all sorts of horror stories of people getting too close to the Dark and being taken when it decided to move. And the darkness was so thick that nobody would realize what was happening until it was too late.
Some well-meaning people tried to leave orbs to light the way. But they were inevitably stolen by people desperate for light. Will could see one in what must be a lamppost, but it only illuminated himself. The most he could make out around the orb was a thick, black fog.
He went as close as he dared. He found what was probably a broken cart and sat down on it. Then he stared in the direction of the Dark. He saw nothing but blackness. A cold emptiness wrapped around him. He no longer cared about the pain in his leg. He could still feel it—it just didn't matter.
The Light hurt. But there was no pain with the Dark. There was nothing at all. Sometimes the Dark agitated people. Made them violent. Depressed. But it didn't do that to Will. He was thirteen when he first looked upon it, and all he ever felt was oblivion.
Will wondered what he would find if he went beyond that veil of darkness. Would he find the truth that the Sacred State tried so hard to conceal? Or would he just disappear? Sister Celine had tested him with the Dark. Maybe he deserved what he had gotten. He chose to disappear. So Celine did to him what he was willing to do to himself.
He had survived. He was free. But he didn't feel alive. He didn't feel like himself, only like a ghost haunting his old life. This couldn't be him. He couldn't just be a broken man, hiding from the Sacred State. He might as well just go into the Dark. Since he had given into the Light, he could just as easily give into the Dark.
He stood up and teetered, his equilibrium evaporating. He felt completely lost. Darkness surrounded him. Noise was totally muted. If he fell in the wrong direction, he would be taken by the Dark.
"No!" Will grunted, fighting to stay upright.
He had never been one to anthropomorphize the Dark. He couldn't explain it, but he didn't think it had a will of its own. Just like the Light didn't have a will of its own. The Light was directed by people. The pain, the hallucinations—that was brought on by people.
Despite his lack of superstition, it seemed the Dark pulled at him. Pulling and pushing. He grabbed onto his cane, trying to resist the pull, but it became too much. For the second time in twenty-four hours, he came crashing down. This time, it didn't hurt. He just felt...
Nothing.