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XI. It's Always Been Her...Will Always Be Her
NATHAN
The sound of gunfire rings through my ears and I have no idea where it's coming from. I adjust my rifle on my arm and look around the area. I call out for my unit to fall back.
I'm in charge of my infantry unit and need to get them to safety. It was suppose to be an easy sweep. I wasn't expecting to be walking into a trap.
As we back away down the street, I shoot at my targets for cover fire as my guys make their way further down the alley.
One, two, three, bang, bang, bang.
Three enemies down.
A few more pop their heads out and I draw my weapon, landing a bullet between both of their eyes.
Two more down.
The gunshots have subsided and there's a building right ahead that leads to our caravan. A shortcut. It's better than taking the long way around in the open.
I set up on the outside of the building next to the door, Ford stands on the other side. There's four more men beside him, waiting to follow his lead when he enters the building. I kick in the door and Ford and the rest of my guys make their way in.
I stand watch outside until the last man enters. I back into the doorway and listen as my men yell out they're clear, indicating no ones in the building. I quickly make my way down the hallway and when I get to the last room that leads to the outside, a man with an Uzi comes out of nowhere, spraying bullets.
I fill a sharp pain in my side and I quickly raise my gun, taking the shot. The man falls to the ground as I grab at my side.
I half expect Ford to come up to me telling me to get up off my ass, that we've got a mission to do but he never does.
"Sergeant! Man down!" I hear one of my men yell out.
I turn to see Ford laying on the ground as a pool of blood pours from his leg, chest, and arm. I quickly make my way over to him, yelling for our medic.
"I guess I missed that guy brother," Ford laughs and spirts out blood from his mouth.
"Oh shut up Ford, shit happens. You're going to be fine," I lie.
This isn't good. I can tell by his leg wound, the fucker hit his femoral artery, if he doesn't get this taken care of soon, he'll bleed out. I watch as the medic quickly ties off his leg, arm, and patches his chest.
I kneel down and wrap my arm underneath him, supporting him on my body. My side begins to sting and I feel woozy like I might pass out. Another one of my men grabs Ford's other arm and supports it over his shoulder.
We quickly make our way out of the house and I spot our Humvee twenty feet away. My men cover fire as I help Ford climb into the back.
When we finally get out of the area, the medic works hard on Ford's wounds. I know it's not good as I call it in to the nearest military hospital that is twenty minutes away. Ford is fading quickly and I yell for him to stay awake that we are almost there. An hour later as I'm getting patched up, Ford's doctor approaches me.
"Sergeant Daniels I hate to inform you that Corporal Taylor didn't make it. We did all we could but his wounds were too severe. He bleed out and his heart gave away before he ever hit the operating table," I stare at the doctor in shock.
No this can't be happening. Ford can't be dead. My best friend since preschool. The only one I have left in this world aside from my mom and Heather, that doesn't think I'm a complete fuck up. He can't be dead.
He just can't be.
I wake in a sweat screaming. My heart beat is racing and I'm sure it'll jump from my chest. I try to control my breathing but it doesn't help, panic has already started sinking in. These attacks don't happen as much anymore but when they do, it's always bad.
I kick the covers off of me and sit my feet on the floor. Resting my arms on my knees I lean forward and concentrate on my breathing. As I take deep breaths in and out I think of the one person that's unknowingly helped me through these random night terrors. Her.
Bex's captivating face comes into view in my mind and I instantly feel calmer. I think about her beautiful brown hair and deep blue eyes. I think about her smile and how warm it use to make me feel. I'd give anything to see it again but I know that won't be happening, especially around me.
Just as I'm beginning to calm down, a headlight shines through my window as a car comes up the drive way. I quickly pull a pair of basket ball shorts on and slide a t-shirt over me. I walk past JD's bedroom taking a quick peek and he's fast asleep. Good, my yelling didn't wake him.
When I get down stairs I quickly throw on my converse and make my way out the front door. I know it's Heather pulling up next door because she had gone out tonight with Bex for a girls night. My mom happily informed me of that when I went to pick up JD from her house.
As Heather steps out of her car I notice her attire. Where the hell did they go if she's dressed like that? My mind wonders to what Bex could've been wearing.
"Hey," I quietly yell out at Heather, startling her as she jumps and rolls her eyes when she sees it's me.
"Hey to you too," she smirks, walking towards me.
"What are you doing home so early? It's not even midnight yet," I joke with her.
I'd honestly expected her to not even come home at all and stayed at Bex's house. Back before Bryan when my sister would go out, she'd be out all night and wouldn't show up until the next morning since she hooked up with someone. As soon as I think of hook-ups I think of Bex. Did she hook-up with anyone? Hell I don't even know if she's single. I'd think Mike would've told me by now if a guy came with her or if she's talking about one.
"Yeah, well the place wasn't all that and we both were getting tired from dancing," she groans and reaches down to take her heels off. I'll never understand why women wear those damn things to dance in.
"Oh yeah? Did you have fun?" I ask, fishing for anything about Bex. Man I'm fucking desperate.
"Oh yeah! Bex is still Bex. Honestly she's crazier now than the last time I saw her. She had ordered for a Blowjob," she rolls her eyes and laughs at my surprised expression.
"It's the name of a drink Nathan. Well anyways, she orders it and the bartender has no clue what she's talking about so Bex goes around the counter and takes over! She straight up showed the guy how to do his job. I guess she did bartending back in California," I listen to her go on and on about Bex. Still sounds like the Bex I knew. She was never afraid to take charge.
"So after we did the shot a couple times, this kid walks up, hitting on her. He barely looked eighteen and he definitely wasn't twenty-one. But his buddies were giving him shit before hand like he didn't have what it took to land a hot older woman like Bex. Well Bex notices and she totally made that guys night!" she begins to laugh. Oh God please don't tell me she hooked up with him. I can feel my fingernails digging into the palm of my hands.
"Bex grabbed that poor boy by the collar and laid one on him like it was nothing! All his buddies had their jaws touching the ground," she giggles harder and I can feel the jealousy intensifying. I don't know why I'm getting jealous, it's not like she's mine or will ever be again.
"So after she was done, I took a hold of him and laid one on him. He was so dumbfounded he didn't even get Bex her drink. She totally made his night and I doubt his buddies will be giving him shit for a while," she smiles and lets out a yawn from exhaustion.
"Really? And how does Bryan feel about that?" I tease her and she slaps at my arm.
"He doesn't know yet but I'll tell him. He's not a jealous ass like you," she mocks me and I roll my eyes. I'm pretty sure he'll be pissed but that's their problem. I'm not about to get in the middle of that.
"I'm not jealous. What the fuck are you talking about?" I rub my hand on the back of my neck. I'm not.
Oh who the hell am I kidding.
"Uh huh, should've seen your face when I talked about Bex kissing him," she giggles. I cross my arms in frustration and kick at the dirt below me.
"You know, you could always march your ass over there and lay one on her yourself. Make her forget about that guy," she teases me some more.
"Oh yeah that'd go over real well," I scoff. I'd probably end up being castrated on the spot.
"You never know. You could ask her to show you how to do that Blowjob drink, among other things. I will say, with the way she looked tonight and how she handled that shot glass with her mouth, if she wasn't my best friend and I was a guy, I totally would've taken her into the bathroom and banged her brains out," she raises her brows at me and I nearly choke on the saliva building up in my mouth.
"You're a fucking freak Heather," I shake my head at her and begin my way back to my house.
"What!? I'm just saying! Maybe you should go fuck her brains out and remind her of what she had and is missing! I bet she'd take you back in a second!" she shouts at me before heading towards her home.
When I get inside I make my way to the kitchen and pour a glass of water to lubricate my now dried throat. I get to my room, closing the door quietly as I pull my clothes off so I'm back in nothing but my boxers as I climb into bed and immediately think of Bex. I think about what she was wearing and if it was anything like what Heather had on, barely covering the goods, I know she was fucking hot. Thinking about Bex in a black short dress that barely covers her up, my lower region reacts and I'm pitching a tent. I wonder what she did to that shot glass that was so hot? The name of the shot gives it away and I think about Bex's thick lips around my shaft.
Reaching down into my boxers, I wrap my hands around me and gently begin to stroke. I imagine it's Bex and I instantly feel good, really fucking good. I try to think back to the last time I touched myself, thinking of her. Not going to lie, it's been almost every night since I saw her the day she came back. Before that, it had been a few weeks but for the last ten years it's always been to her.
Even when I was with other women or JD's mom, I always thought of Bex. I'll admit I was an unfaithful and fucked up husband as I thought of another woman while fucking my wife. We didn't do it that much because I was either stationed overseas or was too drunk to get it up. I couldn't even get hard unless I thought of Bex.
I remember the one time we did it while I was drunk and I moaned out Bex's name. JD's mom was so pissed but deep down she didn't care. By that time she was already fucking around with other guys behind my back. Getting soft at the thought of my ex-wife, I quickly think back to Bex, instantly getting hard again.
I think about our first and only time ten years ago. She felt so good inside and not because she was a virgin at the time but because I was desperately in love with her. I remember thinking at the time that I couldn't wait to be making love with her every night when I came back from basic and every time I came home after that. I remember the way her naked body felt against mine and how we molded together perfectly, like pieces of a puzzle. Thinking of her body back then, I upgrade it to the way it looked the other day when I saw her. Her breasts are a little fuller and her hips and thighs are even thicker, wider than before. She would definitely fill out a little black dress in all the right places. I'm beginning to feel a tingling sensation in my lower belly as I stroke faster.
Imagining her mouth around me, I moan her name quietly, wishing it was really happening. I wonder if she could take all of me in her mouth and the thought of her deep throating me throws me overboard. The sensation hits me fast as I release myself all over my hand. When I've come back down from my high, I reach down and grab the towel that's tucked between my bed and night stand. I wipe off and lay back in bed staring at the ceiling.
I just jerked off to the thought of Bex. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Well maybe it's the fact I haven't had sex in almost four years. Once I got sober, I couldn't sleep with anyone else. I just couldn't bring myself to be with anyone unless it was her. Just when I'm about to fall back to sleep, my phone goes off. Heather's name pops up, worrying me that something happened to Mom so I answer it.
"Hey, what's wrong? Is Mom okay?" I ask frantically.
"What? Oh nothings wrong, Mom's fine. I forgot to tell you something important but I thought I'd give you time to jerk one out to the thought of Bex," she teases and I growl into the phone.
"Oh wait, were you? Oh my God Nate I was kidding!" she laughs harder and I'm about to hang up.
"What did you have to tell me Hev that was so important?" I ask annoyed. If I could literally strangle her through the phone I would right now.
"Oh yeah, I saw Christine tonight at the club. That bitch looks worse than before. She's also with some guy who looks just as strung out as she does," the mention of my ex-wife nearly makes me throw up. Wait, Bex was there. Did something happen?
"Did Bex?" I begin. I hope they didn't get into a fight. I know Bex could take her with no problem but with Christine being a junkie, she wouldn't hesitate to pull a weapon if she had to.
"Yeah Bex was there but nothing happened. Christine was so strung out she didn't even recognize me. She even had the nerve to do a sale inside the club. But I thought you should know, she's close by," she warns me but I'm not worried.
"Thanks Hev but I'm not too worried about it. She won't confront JD cause she knows I'll arrest her ass," I threaten with determination.
She'll be lucky if I only arrest her if she comes near my son. He'll never be her son again. She determined that after all the neglect and the fact she terminated her parental rights when we divorced, clearly proving that the drugs and whoring were more important.
"Okay big brother. Well goodnight and happy jerking. May want to go again to get the memory of your fucked up ex-wife out of your mind. Bex is a thousand times better than that bitch could ever dream of being," she teases and hangs up.
I stare at my phone for a second and then laugh at my crazy ass sister. I think about what she said though. Bex is a million times better, in so many ways.
Not able to fall asleep I decide to get up out of bed. I go to my closet and open the door, pulling the chain for the overhead light. On the top shelf lays an old converse shoe box that I haven't touched in a few months. I'll usually do this to myself when I really miss her and am regretting what I did, just to fuel the fire. I pull it down and sit on the bed, resting it on my lap.
Reaching over, I turn on the lamp on my nightstand, illuminating the room. I take the lid off the box and stare down at the contents inside. There lays movie tickets and pictures of us before I confessed to her about how I loved her. I started collecting these when I realized my real feelings for her. There's pictures I had printed out from my phone that I snuck of her the few months before I confessed that night. The ones that grab my attention most and make my heart break every time, are the pictures of us together in her bed.
It was right after we made love for the first time. She looked so in love and happy with me. I still remember how I felt in that moment. I was desperately in love with her. Shit I still am after all this time.
I sit the pictures aside and pick up the letters she had wrote me while I was in basic. I read through all of them, smiling as her personality bounces off the pages. I notice they get a worried tone to them the closer it got to that day. This was when I stopped writing as much to try and make her give up on me. Of course she didn't. The last letter I come to is the one that makes me want to kick myself in the ass. I read through her final letter as her pain and pleading bounces off the pages at me. Even after I sent her that letter, she still didn't want to give up on me.
To this day I still don't know why I didn't contact her when I received this. I thought at the time what I was doing was the right thing. I had guys who'd been in longer or that were most likely jealous they didn't have a great woman at home waiting for them, talking in my ear to let her go. That it was best for her. I should've never listened to them.
I put all the contents back in the box and place it back in its spot on the top shelf. I silently thank Heather for holding it for me in her closet when Christine was living at my parents house when we first got together. If she had found those items, she would've destroyed them.
When I lay back down in bed, my eyes become heavy with sleep. I dream about the woman I love more than any other in this world that I gave my heart to all those years ago, who took care of it and loved it unconditionally. The very same woman who gave me hers in return; however, I didn't treat hers the same. Instead I threw it on the ground and stomped all over it right in front of her.
God, please give me a chance to fix this. Give me a chance to mend her broken heart.