Victoria Tywo is not weird. She's just... different.
That's what I told myself when she stepped out of the classroom without another word. And back at home when I got done with homework, shutting close the last textbook. I also said it again whilst showering then clearing out my email after. More forcefully anytime I heard the vivid voice of Sucks, doesn't it?
Familiar doesn't help at all, Unfamiliar helps too much but.. it'll be easier working with the latter. Fingers crossed.
Danielle-Soledad wasn't home when I got back and even an hour after, since she's well, got a job. I did put a call through to her but she cut my 'hey' off with an outright "I'm at work, 'nica. Let me breathe." Like she's my breath of fresh air and the reason I live.
I cleared my email of all junk, organized it and almost sent the address to the girl, Victoria Tywo, when I remembered I don't even have hers, or any of her socials. Or her number. And i'm not certain she'll be giving me any even when I ask. I'll probably be told to write it down on a piece of paper instead and that's fine.
At times I got the loathfull thoughts that she hated me, but I was always quick to switch it off. She's just different.
My email was filled with mostly spam messages from websites I'd been stupid enough to drop my address at, so in a matter of minutes, I was done. And back to doing nothing, but stare at the blankness of my computer screen. The screen's a family picture we'd taken two years ago.
It was a little after six I begun switching the pj's for a tank top over grey sweats. The white trainers were slipped on last. Now, It was very possible for me to end up alone when I got to the clearing, but it was also likely Tyler would've beat me to it. He did once say he came almost every night.
And I'm glad I went with the latter because there his silhouette was by the ocean as I cornered the last thick tree. I'd left the house with the sky only a bit dark, but we all know night comes fast once the sun goes down. Still, I was sure it was him.
A little paranoid, but for the most part, sure.
I'm also glad I didn't do the first thing that came to mind, which was to sprint the hell back home, same way I'd come.
"She calls it a head start, even when we're both aware it's more like a morbid push to death." I grimace, startled when it gets a laugh from him. And it's that deep hearty one that has me hugging my knees to my chest and smiling now, not much at whatever sense of humor I seem to have, but at the fact that I got such a reaction from him. The fact that we could just sit here on some rock and under the moonlight, talking like old friends catching up, or new friends starting out. These are the kind of times I like.
"She doesn't do it anymore. Thankfully. But there's still a bunch of other crazy things she does." I say, rolling my eyes off to the side but smiling a little when Tyler chuckles.
"You also do crazy things, don't you?" He asks in a way that I'm whipping my head to face him.
"I don't." I say firmly, my eyes on his till they drop a little lower to his lips and then i'm turning the other way. "I actually don't. Really. Dare I say, I'm boring."
"Boring people don't sneak out their balcony at 5am."
"I don't sneak out." I correct him, instantly regretting why I'd even told him about it in the first place. 'Cause that's why he has a brow raised in mock way. "I just.. don't leave through the door."
"Well, that's very very normal." He forces a look on me and I giggle. "It's kinda interesting, if you ask me. Not marvel kind of thrill but worth flipping a page to find out if you die." He makes sure to hold eye contact when he says the last part, biting down a smile.
I can't bite mine down so I turn away. "I never die."
"Isn't it risky, though? Jumping off a balcony that high."
"No, no, it's not." I rush out, but blink. "Well, not really. My house is built in a unique way so jumping off a balcony- my balcony, has you landing on safe ground, no trouble. There's also a flower bush as you get down. Not that it necessarily helps, the thing's definitely not as soft as it looks but I survive."
"I can see that." He nods. Again giving me that quiet look that has me searching for multiple things to settle my eyes on. Rock. Ocean. Ocean shore. My shoes.
My shoes. That'll do it.
"Why do you do it? Sneak out. I don't suppose you're sneaking off to a boyfriend's- unless you are and this is just the post-destination." There's a smile to show his only joking, however I notice a hint of uncertainty.
"Of course not. I wouldn't do that for a guy. Jump off a balcony? It's too much work."
He chuckles. "Too much work?"
"Yeah, I mean.." I throw a loose pebble to the water infront of us but miss it. I always miss it, but today I'll give myself the excuse that my sitting position's too far away from the water. "I'm not into risky relationships. All that Bonnie and Clyde, Romeo and Juliet- I don't even like classics."
"Why am I surprised?" He actually, genuinely looks surprised.
"I look like type of girl to like classics?"
"Kinda. Yeah." He wiggles his eyebrows as he turns his body to face mine. "Well, minus the glasses."
I fake a scowl, pointing a warning finger towards him. "Now, stereotyping isn't healthy."
"But it makes the world go round."
"Anyway. I wouldn't risk life for love, and I hate classics. So, there you have it." I turn to him, clasping my hands together for emphasis. "Story of my life."
He gets me giggling a little when he goes with it. "That's it? All there is to know?"
"All you need to know."
"Sure? There's more."
"There's..."
"More."
"No. Actually, no. I wasn't lying when I said I was boring."
"But there's more?"
"Can you stop saying that!"
He grins. And I can't help smiling too, folding a leg over my thighs to drum on my shoe.
"So, you hate 'em, yeah?"
"I do. Only take them 'cause I have to. And read them 'cause I've got to pass."
"What if you loved him?" He asks, it takes me a while to realize he's going back to our previous topic. "Whatever boyfriend it might be."
"If I did then he'd have to love me too. And that's him making sure he's liked enough by my dad to be allowed through the front door." I shrug. "My dad's not a hard guy."
"He's not?" He leans back on the boulder, propping himself up on both elbows. The hoodie he's in doesn't allow for any tracing of pecs or biceps, but the aura of everything him, is enough to set my heart on fire, lose focus for a minute. Only gaining it back when he shoots up a brow.
"Uhm, no he's not. Not really. He took Nathan and my sister's relationship alright. As well as their breakup, seeing as Nate's still working at the workshop... and still has a functioning body." I laugh at the last part. But i'm the only one laughing.
"Then why do you sneak out?"
"Let's just say that's one thing my dad isn't cool with." I focus my attention on the ocean, hoping he doesn't press on.
And he doesn't, "And it's just you and your sister."
"Oh, no actually I've got a brother. Name's Toby and he's ten. Though if you'd asked him, he'd tell you he's eleven, yet that's not happening till next year."
"Ha."
"Right?" I smile.
"Kids. They never understand how much better it is to never grow up."
There's an air of longing in his words that has my smile faltering, till it falls entirely. I stop drumming on my shoes, dropping the leg to the ground and eying the side of his face. I've got the urge to ask how much he means that or what he even really means, did he wish he'd never grown up, but it's better if I don't. "True."
"So, what's he like? Crazy as your sister?"
"Opposite actually." I laugh, rubbing my hands together for warmth, even though there's a fire on. "He's uh.. quiet most of the time? A bit broody too and you only ever see him smile when he's playing video games or gotten revenge at you for something you apologized for."
This gets another laugh from him.
"No, really I mean it. Got a track record. I'm more or less the only sane Martinez you'll ever find."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"But you love them." I glance down at him and he's got his lips pressed together in a way he knows the answer is yes.
"I guess." I shrug. "Don't tell them, though, they're not very modest."
"I can relate." His blue eyes light up almost as much as his smile, till he tapers it down by twisting his lips to the side, nodding once.
We're sitting atop a boulder. The one I suggested since climbing up an Everest wasn't optional for me at all. Between us, there's space for another or two others even, but it's obviously best that way. Plus my sitting position - an awkward way of backing the entrance to face him instead - is better if we're not tight knit together. Well, that's what I thought I was doing when I pushed so close the edge that I nearly fell off.
The seconds begin ticking in the silence, so fast that i'm fearing our conversation has reached it's end. Tyler and I aren't familiar enough to be in comfortable silence. If there's silence, then our moment of friendly banter is probably over.
Afraid of that, I've got my brain racking for anything sensible. Skimming through the many tips i've read from self-help 90 ways to keep a conversation going - literally.
But considering the fact that I forgot almost everything I read after two years of not being able to actually practice the tips given, I fall back to where we ended.
"So, how about you?" I ask, "Got any siblings?"
His position, allows for the moon to shine directly on him. Silver string of light adding a beautiful effect to his eyes, making them appear much softer than they usually would. Or it could be the orange hues from the fire, reflecting. Or more emotion.
He doesn't exactly look sad when he looks to me, but he's not particularly happy either. "I used to."
"Oh? Oh...uh, okay." I have my eyes widen at myself for not keeping my mouth shut.
I'm very aware what 'used to' means, though I'd never heard of Tyler having a sibling, or siblings.
Then again, I'd never really... cared. My fingers only always typed Tyler Jones on the search bar.
The silence I'd tried to ward off comes lurking in again, and this is the worst time for it. What I said should not be the last of our encounter. But then.. what should I say?
Sorry. That could be irritating, have been there.
Life happens.
Someone told me that in fifth grade and it's the first time I ever hit a person. They also added get over yourself, so maybe that's why.
"Is it Christian?"
He glances up at me, first appearing to consider answering or not, then lifts himself up from the resting position he was in. Pushing up on his elbows to sit. I move a little when he's fully up, even though our arms are good inches away from brushing.
The pendant round his neck isn't visible, but he subconsciously looks down his chest. The whole chain even, isn't visible either, all buried under his heavy jacket, but I don't need to see it to remember the name I'd seen that day. And the emotion it had raked out of him. I have my teeth biting down on my bottom lip, hoping I don't get the same reaction I'd gotten that day.
"Yeah." He says simply. The word drags and it's like he's got something more to say, but when he turns to me - blue eyes glistening again, he just repeats himself. "Yeah."
I nod. Wait for a few moments to tick by before going for a second one. "What was he like?"
From my position, I can only see the left side of his face, but the bonfire beneath us helps illuminate his features when he smiles. It's a tiny smile, and almost a rueful one till he just shakes his head, snapping out of it.
"He was an ass." Tyler dry laughs. "But I guess he's still kinda the- well, the best thing I ever had."
I clench my hands tight into a fist, my heart already going out to him, and it's not just due to the words he said, rather the feelings that're evidently laced with each word spelt out. So much that I'm almost spreading my hands out to hug him and just close the space between us but...
Almost.
As much as it looks to be the best time to do so, and as much as every part of me wants to, it's honestly best I keep my hands to myself. Especially now that there's something there. Something here. I can't say what is for certain, but I can feel it. He must've felt it too. It was evident when he said hey first, adding my last name to it as I snuck up from behind him. It showed when we stayed smiling at each other for too long, and our eyes lingering on even much longer till I said, "So. You really do come around every night." And we both felt it when our hands brushing against each other erupted a spark. That kind of spark. The kind that makes you move away too quick and then fumble with words hoping the other is able to understand you didn't mean to and it's not them, it's you. I'd usually be the only one to feel it, since, well i've liked him all my life. Atleast since I was ten. But then it was obvious he felt it too 'cause his hands also moved away fast.
Then I realized it was just as weird for me as it was for him. Because though I might've liked him since I was ten, it still feels different now that he's closer. Physically. And i'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing.
So I chose a shorter boulder so he wouldn't have to help me up. Which only helped a little because I felt it, whatever it was, again throughout our conversation. But the fun of it had me relaxing a bit.
Probably had him too.
With Tyler not saying anything after, I presume it's best to go for the biggest question. "How did it happen?"
He freezes. But only for a second because It's almost like I shouldn't have asked till he just clicks his tongue, gaze still on my face. "Car accident."
"Oh. That's terrible."
"Yeah?" He laughs, though I hear a sniffle when he looks away so i'm definitely not laughing along.
We get wrapped up in a blanket of silence, and this time around, it's a comfortable one. I'm not within myself rummaging for conversation starters or keepers.
But I say something.
Something I've never really told anyone. Except the people who already knew, and in it's case, we never actually talk about it. It's more like a topic we avoid, a memory locked away at the back of our minds. As well as our basement.
"It was the same with my mom." I say. Freezing after. I can also feel him freezing too, but the words have already been said, and the other two words are already at the tip of my tongue. "Car accident."
I keep my gaze stationary on the ground, on the fire. Sometimes fluttering eyes up to check on him, then dropping them back down immediately I spot his form in the dark.
"I'm sorry." He says. I expected that, the sympathy. It's why I never tell anyone. The only thing I don't expect is for him to say it twice, and with a different kind of care than pity. I lift my eyes to meet his already pointed gaze. "I'm so sorry, Melissa."
I blink repeatedly till i'm blinking off elsewhere. "It's fine. It was.. I was about six when it happened so I didn't really know her." I look to him again, though glancing away and back to my shoes almost immediately. "Guess it's not really losing her that hurt but the space she left instead." I grimace. "Don't know if that makes sense."
"I get you."
We share another intense stare, and I wonder again if he feels it. "Yeah. It's the fact that It's dad alone who'd show up for any school events we had back in elementary and middle school. It's more like what i'm missing out on, and not what I... what I miss. From the past. 'Cause I never really got to know her."
A tear I'm quick to catch falls from my left eye. "And I think that's what hurts the most."
The quiet seeps in again, and I again have these words on the tip of my tongue that I can't bite back. I wish I could. I wish we'd never gone down this path and I don't have to remember. Or there was a time machine and it worked. I'd go back a few minutes behind when I hadn't asked the wrong question. Or maybe even further than that where I wouldn't have a story to tell in the first place.
"You know," I swipe my nose with a hand. "I found out years later that she could've lived. But she was...pregnant. She was pregnant at the time and the doctor said it was a 50-50. I didn't know her well, but I know she was selfless. Dad talks about that one trait a lot. So, it's understandable she preferred to keep our brother alive instead."
"How does your brother take it?"
"I'm guessing better than me?" I intertwine my fingers absent-mindedly. "He didn't get to meet her at all."
"And how's that better?"
"I don't know, really." One of the straps of my tank top falls off my shoulder as I shrug, I try to put it back in place but it just falls back again so I let it go. "Kinda just guessing. The less you know, the less you miss."
My words have to get a reaction from him first before i'm rethinking what I just said. It seems to be on the thin line between acceptance and full-fledged disrespectful. Disrespectful to my mum. And I can't take it back, just like I can't figure out the thoughts behind Tyler's demeanor.
He first looked shocked, getting me shocked as well. But now he seems to ponder on my statement.
However easing out of it, he turns again to look at me. "And how about your sister? How did she take it?"
I shrug. "She was pretty..." I stop, prompt, glancing at him. He gestures for me to go on, but I can't. Every memory of the night it happened comes rushing through my thoughts. "She was..."
Are we celebrating?
Mommy's coming home with great news.
Christmas lights. The tree. The presents. Dad was excited, but it wasn't for christmas. He'd spend barely a minute with us to wrap the presents - because Danielle and I were conversant with the fact that the presents weren't brought by Santa - and he'd be back to the front yard waiting for Mom's arrival. The air was cold that night.
The air was cold that night when he got the call.
Then it was a speeding car. Spinning road scenery. Fluorescent lights. Hospital. An ambulance. Red lights, orange lights. Blinking lights. A stretcher. Mom.
Dad shivering. Uncontrollable tears.
From me. Uncontrollable tears from me because dad never cried. He told us it'll be okay. Danielle-Soledad never cried either, she told me it'll be okay. And she kept saying that four years after. I'd cry but she never will. Rather, pat my hair and hum lullabies in the best voice she could but...
The only time she ever cried was when I was found struggling to stay afloat in the ocean I'd gone into on my own accord. I'd thought it'd be better. I'd thought it would save, but survival instincts had me kicking my feet in the water and screaming for help. The place later got barricaded after that.
Promise me you'll never do something as stupid as this again!
The experience wasn't as abyss as i'd expected it to be, so even if I couldn't say a thing and just let her hug me tight instead, I knew I'd never try to commit suicide ever. Not like I knew the act was called suicide, I was ten.
But that was the only time I'd ever seen her cry. Dad too.
"It's okay if you can't-"
"No, it's not that." I say to stop him. "It's just... my sister." I spare him a look, my hands gripping the rocky boulder for comfort, yet all I get are sharp piercings on my palms.
"Hey," He gestures for me to come closer.
I, very much, hesitate, but finally just allow all proper thoughts shift to the back of my mind. And move to close the gap sitting between us. The warmth from him is quick to seep into me, even though we're still not touching. The breezy deodorant he has on is also washed over to my side by the wind that shows up.
"I've always seen her as immature and annoying," I day, tilting my head to meet his eyes that were already watching me. "But I think she's the strongest person I know."
"You're strong too, you know."
"I wouldn't say that." I shake my head. " I don't think I am."
"You've come this far, that has to say something." He says into the cold night air. Or rather to the side of my face, and when I don't look at him, he lifts my chin up with the tip of a finger. We once again share that electrifying stare but this time I'm not searching for something else to look at. Not a rock, not my shoes.
And his next words come out like they're intended to literally sink into my head. At least, that's the impression I get from how hard his gaze stays. "It's alright to give yourself credit sometimes. Okay?"
"Okay."
His eyes linger over every part of my face and I worry I might be crying but then he let's go of my chin. Carefully. So we're back to how we were before. Everything remaining the same as it was. Bonfire still blazing high. Water still calm. Trees quiet. Full moon still high up. Except now my feelings are all over the place.
"I'm sorry about your brother."
"I'm sorry too."