Emma wonders about the dreams she had. She has the strangest sensation that they're not just dreams, but memories. It's not unusual to establish something in a dream and to wake to find it was not real, but it felt so so real. Every day the world seems less real, less reliable. The human mind is such a fragile thing.
.....
There's something so surreal about knowing something is about you without being named in it. Despite how immature it is, and how much she doesn't want to care, it stung. She hasn't used her social media since the beginning of the school year, so it's a genuine surprise when a girl they sit with at lunch asks her if she's seen what's going on. Handing her her phone, Emma quickly scans over the screen.
@ AlexRosewell51 : My love life is an actual atomic bomb
@ chocolateE-Clarie : @ AlexRosewell51 Me watching this unfold BC I warned you to not date sluts:
@ Resse_Daves42 A girl would rather suck 100 dicks than kiss alex lmfaoooo
It feels like all eyes in the cafeteria are on her. They're all judging her, staring at her, laughing at her. A wave of heat rolls over her body engulfing it with a dark red tone. Her stomach turns and aches. She hadn't really done anything wrong though, right? When did deciding not to go on another date make you a bad person? Wasn't that the point going on a date?
After she told him that she wasn't interested he asked her why. It's a strange thing trying to explain to someone why you are no longer interested in them when you yourself don't really know why. It seemed to come from thin air. She had apologized for wasting his time and he claimed to understand. It seems like it was everyone else who didn't.
The laughter probably wasn't even about her, most of this had blown over by the time Monday came around, but she feels hot all over. She needs to leave. Hands drenched in sweat and stomach tossing, she stands and walks as fast a physically possible to the bathroom.
Kim follows after her, Ally hot on her tail.
"Emma?" She feels at pat at her shoulder, but she ignores it and races to the bathroom. She makes it to the first stall before crashing to her knees and retching up what little breakfast she had gotten down that morning. "Em?" She hears footsteps find her. When her stomach seems empty she sits back, face wet and hair stuck to her forehead.
"Emma, this is like the 4th time this has happened," Kim asks, kneeling beside her. "What's going on?"
"I don't know, I'm just not feeling great," she uses the back of her hand to wipe the leftover spit from her mouth. Someone hands her a wet paper towel but she's not sure who.
"Is there... a possibility that you might maybe be pregnant?"Kim asks. Emma shakes her head quickly.
"No."
"When was your last period?" Ally asks sounding concerned.
"I don't know," she mumbles, putting her head in her hands. She pushes her hair from her face.
"You know, that's a sign-"
"I know what it's a sign of," Emma snaps, head shooting up. "I'm... I'm not pregnant."
"I know it's scary, but you need to take a test," Ally tells her. "I mean shit happens. I think we've all taken one." That's not true, neither of them had taken one but Emma didn't need to know that. "C'mon we can ditch and go get one. It'll be like... like a fun girls trip, right Kim?"
"Yeah, totally?" Kim shoots Ally a confused look. 'A fun girls trip? Really?' Her eyes scream. "It's really not a big deal. If it's positive, I'll get you ice cream to cheer you up. If it's negative we can get ice cream to celebrate. Either way, we get ice cream!"
"Or hot chocolate," Ally adds. "It's freezing outside."
"Oooh, hot chocolate sounds good. Right, Em?" Kim pats her back. Emma ignores them, putting her face back in her hands. She tries to fight off the urge to dry heave but fails. "It's fine, we're here for you no matter what!"
"I'm not pregnant," Emma groans and shakes her hands off.
"You need to know for sure."
"I know for sure," she squeaks before throwing up again. They're ignoring her. They won't listen to her and keep talking.
"Oh Emma," Kim tries to soothe the crying girl, but her dismissiveness only makes it worse. "Please don't cry, it's okay."
"Is it Roman's?" Ally sounds too excited. "That baby's going to be so fucking hot."
"Al, not the time," Kim hisses. "You're going to be fine," she runs her hands soothingly along Emma's back. "C'mon, let's go."
"You're not listening to me!" She blubbers.
"You're just afraid," Ally says. "You need to know if you-"
"I know I'm not because I haven't had my period since like," she starts strong but falters, "like September."
"September?" Kim looks her up and down with eyes bulged. Emma nods. "Did you get birth control or something?"
"I think I'm just stressed, I guess," she shrugs. A loud dry cough erupts through struggles to breathe. "Nothing to worry about."
"I think you're having a panic attack," Ally mumbles, pushing her hair back.
"Have you talked to your doctor? That's not normal," Kim suggests.
"Really, it's nothing."
"How much weight have you lost?" Ally asks bluntly. Emma glares at her as if to say 'what do you mean.' "I'm not blind, I can see you've lost some weight. Your baggy ass clothes can only cover it up so much."
"I've lost some weight from stress, that's all. Just school and stuff."
"How much?" Kim bypasses her excuse. "What do you weigh?"
"I don't know. I haven't checked?" Kim looks ready to keep pushing, but the bathroom door opens to a flock of girls ready to touch up their makeup.
.....
In their stairwell, Roman and Peter chain smoke and down large coffees. They'd been spending the last few nights in sleeping shifts and waking up every hour or so to do a patrol through the town. The leech comes with them like some strange pet. Letha is concerned, she asks if they're okay, but doesn't push. Having lived her entire life around Roman she knows not to push too hard.
The two boys barely speak other than to ask for a light. The exhaustion and stress of everything had begun to overwhelm them. And the next full moon was right around the corner. If they're lucky, it'll all be over before then.
Then there was the elephant in the room. An extraordinary beast that lingers between their words. Roman does what he does best, he keeps his head down and buries his problems with various substances. The conversation he had with Emma on the way home replayed in his mind, he was looking for something that wasn't there. An answer or a clue to a question he himself doesn't know.
It's entirely possible that she was right, that possibly Destiny's "prediction" was wrong. Roman wonders what it would be like to be told his own prognosis. How would he handle being at death's door?
Peter feels like shit. Absolute shit. He had always prided himself on being the good guy. The guy who helps you move, who stands up for others, helps others. The kind of guy that steps up to raise a baby that isn't his. The longer he goes without sleep the more these thoughts run through his head. Maybe he's not the good guy.
.....
Emma stays home from school the next day, and the day after that. Kay thinks she has a stomach virus, but truly she just needed the silence. The beautiful, luxurious silence. She only answers minimal texts. It spirals into a two-night bender of blowing though almost two whole bottles of tequila.
Late into the second evening, or very early in the morning depending on how you look at it, she decides to make amends. She's drunk enough to not think about it.
New Text to Alex: I'm sorry.
When she doesn't get a response it keeps pouring out.
New Text to Alex: I didn't mean to upset you.
Can I do anything to fix it?
I dont know why i feel like this
please
One more shot of tequila down before continuing. She knows she doesn't want to remember this thing that she's already started.
New Text to Alex: I'll do whatever you ask me to just make them stop talking about me
i didnt thinkn i diid anything wrong
whatever u want please make them stop
anything
im sorry im such an asshole
they're right
im just some stupid whore and you deserve better
you seem like a good person
.....
On the third day at home, once her mom leaves, her feet seem to move on their own. They take her to the other side of town. She moves so mindlessly that she's knocking on the door before she realizes how crazy she must look standing on the porch in just sweatpants and a tee-shirt. Snow flurrying down but not a coat in sight.
When Emma knocks on the door, she's completely unsure of what she's looking for. There's no reason for her to be here, not really. It's an itch, a sadness inside of her that pulls her there. The door opens and a man she recognizes from a few childhood memories answers. "Hey, Emma is it?" Norman asks.
"Yeah. Hi," she nods. "I was wondering if Letha was home."
"She is. She's upstairs, second door on the right," Norman moves over to let her in. She can see why Letha is the way she is: normal. Her parents have always seemed nice, their house is comfy, and it smells like cookies. There are so many photos hung up of Letha, Letha with Roman, Norman and Marie on their wedding day, family vacations. You name it, there's a photo somewhere in the house.
Emma can't even imagine what Norman thinks of her, probably nothing good. He only knew her as Roman's friend that always got in trouble with him.
She climbs the stairs and hesitates in front of the door. Taking a deep breath she gives it a little tap tap.
"Come in!" Emma opens the door and shuts it behind her. Letha is surprised, clearly expecting her mom or dad to be on the other side. She's sitting at her desk with her glasses on, hard at work studying for school. Her pregnancy hadn't slowed her down a bit. "Oh, hey?"
"Hi," Emma says back, looking slightly crazed.
"You okay?" Letha asks. "I saw you weren't at school today."
"How do you be good?" She bypasses her questions.
"What do you mean?"
"How do you be a good person?" Emma bounces from one leg to the other, uncomfortable and anxious.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean," Letha looks at her so innocently. The cunts going to make me say it, isn't she? Emma corrects herself. Maybe Letha really didn't know what she meant. Maybe this cynical attitude is why she's here, asking for help.
"How do you be kind? Bad things keep happening to me and I want them to stop."
"Emma, I don't think you're a bad person- I don't think anyone does. Sometimes things just happen, it's not a punishment for anything," Letha mindlessly rubs her hands over her growing belly.
"I am, though," Emma says, barely above a whisper. "I've done bad things, I've hurt a lot of people. I don't mean to, I just don't think about it." She thinks about the personal offenses she had committed against the girl in front of her.
"Well," Letha pauses to think, "if you feel that way, maybe make an effort slow down. Take the time to think about how you would feel if the roles were reversed. I always try to think about that before I do anything." Emma nods, accepting the advice but knowing nothing will change.
"How far along are you?"
"Seven, almost eight," she smiles. "It looks like I'm going to have a little Aeries girl. Maybe a Pisces if she decides to come early."
"You're going to be a great mother."
"Is there anything else wrong?" Letha asks, caring as always. "I know things have been bad between you and Roman," Emma flinches, "but you can talk to me if you want. It stays between us."
"I'm fine," she mumbles. Along with not wanting to talk to her, she doesn't believe her. Letha tells Roman everything.
"You came all the way here for something."
"I'm fine," she smiles softly and waves goodbye.
Heading back downstairs, she tries to make it out the door without being noticed. Both Norman and Marie stand in the living room anticipating her arrival. "Emma, sweetheart, do you have a coat?" Marie rushes towards her, approaching a bit too close for comfort.
"Oh," Emma thinks quickly. "Yeah, I left it in my mom's car."
"Your mom's car?"
"Yeah, she gave me a ride to the store before she went to work," she edges towards the door.
"Are you walking home? Norman will give you a ride home, won't you?" Norman nods along to his wife statement.
"I'm okay! It's not that far-"
"You're on the other side of town without a coat. Plus it's getting dark," Norman grabs his own coat from the closet. "It's our duty as parents to make sure you get home safely." She tries to resist, but they won't budge.
.....
Emma sits quietly in the passenger seat as Norman drives carefully through the city streets. "Y'know," he says, quickly looking over to her. "When I was your age I didn't think I had much of a future for me." She doesn't know how to respond so she just nods. "J.R. was taking over the business, all of my friends were moving away or moving on, and here I was with no plans. Nothing I really wanted to do. I had a girlfriend that I swore I was in love with."
It clicks with her now what he's trying to do. Of course, she had to take a ride with the only psychiatrist within a 30-mile radius. Emma sinks as far into the chair as humanly possible. She doesn't want a lecture from anyone, but especially not a Godfrey.
"When the summer ended and everyone was gone, my girlfriend left me... I felt like I was just floating. In my mind there was nothing I could do right." he shrugs. "Looking back I know that's not true. After some time I decided to go to school, and I found something I really cared about. Now, I have an amazing wife, the greatest daughter, and a beautiful granddaughter on the way. What I'm saying is- is that sometimes life doesn't go the way you planned it. Sometimes the worst things that happen to you lead you to the best things."
Her jaw feels locked square in place. There is no way for him to compare her life to his. It's almost laughable how little she could relate to his problems.
"Actually," she says breaking her silence. "Can you take me somewhere else instead of home?"
"Where to?" He asks.
"To friends. I have to," she runs her hand through her hair. "I have to tell her something important."
.....
Emma sits on the couch with a cup of tea in her shaking hands. There's a knock on the door when Destiny jumps from the seat across from her. She rushes over to unlock it. Roman and Peter come in through the front door carrying 3 or 4 bags of ice. "What's the ice for?" Emma asks, growing more anxious by the second.
"Destiny asked for it," Roman shrugs.
"It's for the thing," Destiny tells him.
"The thing?" Roman asks her.
"We're trying a magic thing to change Emma's fate," Destiny takes a bag from him.
"Oh," he looks interested and surprised.
"How?" Emma asks.
"We're just... going to hold you underwater for a moment," Destiny says slowly.
"Hold me underwater for a moment?" Emma asks critically. She quickly looks between all the people in the room for some sort of reassurance.
"Okay, we're going to technically drown you," Destiny explains.
"No way," the three teens say almost in unison.
"What if she dies?" Roman asks.
"Yeah, what if I die," Emma says, confused yet again by Roman's sudden concern.
"You're not going to die. Well not permanently, but.." She trails off and sighs.
"But what?" Peter asks.
"But if we don't do it you're going to die anyway."
"I don't understand," Emma stutters out.
"We have to kill you so you can be reborn. Then in two days, you'll come back to me and we'll make an offering, like your first one, but asking for a new fate. We need the ice because the colder the water the easier it is to-"
"Why drowning?" Peter asks.
"It's a symbol of being reborn, baptisms and such. It's also just the easiest to be brought back from." Emma's head shoots in Roman's direction. The gears start turning and something slams into the forefront of her mind.
"Your mother put me in that pool on purpose, didn't she?" Emma accuses.
"What?" He cocks his head.
"Your mother drowned me on purpose!"
"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about," he looks straight at her.
"You're mother, she let me drown so she could do this. So she could-"
"Emma, I have no clue what you're on about! You sound insane," Roman groans and looks annoyed.
"Children!" Destiny breaks them apart once again. "Stress is the last thing you need right now."
"I don't trust you," she tells Destiny. "I don't trust any of you."
"You don't have to," she sighs. "Here, finish your tea and change."
"Why? Into what?"
"The teeshirt on my bed. That way I can get you out of it quicker, get you warming up."
"Warming up?"
"What did you think the ice was for?" Destiny begins shuffling to her bedroom. "Put the ice in the bathtub and run some cold water," she tells the boys. "I put a pill in her tea, she should calm down soon."
Destiny sits on the counter smoking a joint while the boys do all the work. Peter reaches up to take it from her. The sound of the water washes out any conversation they might have wanted to have. It shifts against the ice leaving no clear surface area. Peter reaches forward to turn off the knob.
Emma rejoins everyone in the bathroom. Her eyes stay locked on the bathtub which is mostly comprised of ice. The urge to run away rolls over her like a tidal wave but she fights it. "You sure?" Peter asks. She hesitates but nods. He holds her hands as she steps over the ledge into what she imagines the arctic tundra feels like. Letting out only a hiss, she turns to face him. Her feet sting and she's still fighting the urge to run. She should be mad at Peter, absolutely fuming at him, but if Emma has learned anything about herself recently it's that she can't stay mad.
Not continuously anyways. She wouldn't admit it even to herself, but the anger that's festered towards Roman has only grown within her. He's not affected by it.
With one deep breath, she plunges herself into the water. She grits her teeth so hard she's sure they've cracked. The cold hurts, it burns. Destiny gives her a nod before she lays back into the water.
They push her down into the freezing cold water. "Don't let go," Destiny warns. "She's going to fight it, don't let go." Right then Emma begins fighting. The panic of drowning sets in, she doesn't want to die. Not like this, not in a strangers bathtub at the hands of Roman Godfrey.
Maybe it was all a misunderstanding, what had happened with Roman. Maybe she overreacted and maybe she had dug her own grave. She was so stupid. It's overwhelming panic and regret. She's overcome with an uncontrollable urge to rise from the water and apologize for everything she's ever done.
She waits for her life to flash before her eyes as it does in the movies. It never comes. Only two sensations alternate in her mind. The feeling of leather on her wrists is so realistic that she can picture what her bedroom looks like. The feeling alone is enough to pull her there. Her hands are numb, but her wrists are raw.
Then another pain overcomes it. It's in her stomach and between her legs. Something is cutting into her, and tearing at her body. She feels so small to the world and alone. She knows she's alone and scared. She wants her mom to come hold her. The pain is overwhelming and she hears a voice, but not what they say.
Then she's warm. The world is so comfortable, she just needs a nap.
Outside of the bathtub, things are not as comfortable. The three holding her down are struck with fear when holding down a thrashing body. Once she stops fighting, the three above her look to each other in a panic. "Is she dead?" Roman asks. Destiny pulls her wrist from the tub to feel for a heartbeat.
"Not yet," she bites her lip. "Almost." They sit there in the dead silence for what feels like an eternity. Time seems to move at a quarter speed as Destiny holds her limp wrist in her hand waiting for the heartbeat to fade out. The boys lighten up on their hold feeling her body still in the water.
"Get her out!" Peter ends up doing most of the work, pulling her onto the bathroom floor. Roman has found himself cowering in the corner like a boy. The sight of a limp body being pulled from the water settles into his stomach and begs to exit through his throat. He watches in a disoriented slow motion as Destiny and Peter maneuver around the body.
He can't piece together what they're doing. It turns into a blur as he stands aside feeling useless.
Emma coughs up water and more water. So much water that Roman doesn't know where it could be coming from. When she's empty of water, he can see something within her face move and Peter rushes to sit her up. She's barely up when one more cough of water comes up, followed by vomit. So much vomit that Roman really doesn't think there could be a single ounce of liquid left in her.
She slumps back against Peter, shivering and still taking in large breaths, happy to have oxygen again. "Let's get her dry," someone says. He thinks it might be Destiny but it doesn't really matter. "Hey, you with me?" Destiny asks, holding Emma's chin towards her. She nods before the world becomes blurry again.
"Get her a towel!" Someone is yelling at him. He finds one and brings it to her. Destiny takes it and wraps it around her, arms running up and down her side.
"She's not warming up," Peter says. Roman is unsure of how much time has passed. Hadn't they just pulled her out? Or had it been a while? Destiny pulls the towel off of her, then struggles to pull the shirt over the limp limbs of a girl slumped onto her knees. He stands feeling useless. "Living room," some motions towards the door.
Somehow Roman ends up with the half-naked girl in his arms being carried to the couch. They adjust her like a rag doll and tuck her under the blankets. Blanket, after blanket, towels on towels. It's calm finally. "Is she gonna be okay?" Peter asks looking her up and down. The only movement she's making is blinking, light shivers, and small breaths.
"Yeah," Destiny nods. "Give it some time."
"She doesn't need to be alone like this," Peter says.
"She can stay here," Destiny offers.
"Her mom would freak out," Roman shares with them. "I'll take her and stay with her."
"Is that a good idea?" Peter looks skeptical.
"I think she might hate you more than him right now," Destiny mumbles. Peter glares to her but accepts that it might be true. "I need to relax," she exits to her room only to return with another joint. Roman is surprised when she passes it to him next.
"Do you think she knows what's going on?" Roman coughs.
She barely does. Sometimes she does. The three others in the room are discussing but it sounds like a foreign language to her. She's aware of where she is, like waking up from anesthesia. She doesn't want to be aware, though. She wants to close her eyes and find the source of the pain. How did she know what the first one was but not the second?
Emma can't recall ever feeling a pain like that. She felt so helpless. Closing her eyes, she can't seem to drift back to where she needs to go. The memory of the pain starts to fade away. It slips through her mind like smoke and then it's gone. All that's left is the memory of having the sensation.
"You think she's good to go?" Roman asks. It's getting late, they'd been there waiting for almost three hours.
"Probably," Destiny stands to look her over. "Just make sure she's warm at home.
"Yes, ma'am," he salutes.
"Okay, come back in two days," Destiny says to Emma but she doesn't respond. Peter nods, he'll make sure she knows. Destiny wraps the towel closer to Emma and pats her back. "You'll be fine in the morning. Let's get her loaded up."
"I'll get the blanket back to you," Peter promises and he wraps one tightly around her.
"No rush," Destiny assures him.
They try to help walk her to the car, but there's no attempt to move on her part. They're not even sure she knows what's going. Or where she is. It's like trying to convince a limp mannequin it can walk. Peter takes most of the weight and manages to get her the rest of the way there and buckled in safely.
"You want a ride home?" Roman asks before opening his own door.
"No, I'm gonna help clean up and stuff," Peter shrugs.
"You sure?"
"Yeah. Be careful out there!"
Roman waves him off then brings the car to life. Emma's there looking straight out the windshield. "You ready to go?" He asks expecting no answer. He isn't given one.
Further down the road, the silence is sinking in on him. "I think this is the longest amount of time you've gone without talking," he jokes. "Not counting anytime you've had a dick in your mouth, of course." Nothing. There is no one there to interact with. She's just a shell.
In her lap, her phone buzzes but she makes no sign of noticing it.
Roman pulls the car into the driveway and waits for her to get out. Emma stays seated, still looking straight out the windshield, into nothing. "Oh, duh," he mumbles to himself. He reaches over and unbuckles her seatbelt for her, but it gets stuck on her right arm when she doesn't move it out of the way. Her phone vibrates again. "Emma, your phone."
When she doesn't pick it up he does. New Text from Alex.
No, I'm sorry.
Roman watches as another text bubble is typed.
I didn't mean for people to talk. I didn't expect things to blow up like that.
Another text bubble "..."
If it's worth anything I really do understand and I honestly don't have any bad feelings about it. There's nothing wrong with not liking someone back.
"..."
You've been going through some stuff and I hope things work out for you in the end.
Roman rolls his eyes, locks the phone, and helps the shaking girl inside. He sets her down on the couch and gets to work getting her boots off. Her eyes remain closed and she constantly looks on the edge of collapsing. When she starts attempting to stand he goes into overdrive with the second shoe and her coat.
Once everything is off he helps her up the stairs realizing halfway that it's useless. She has to stop to cough and/or gag. After the third time, he just picks her up and carries her the rest of the way. He struggles to handle her and get the door open but it finally works. Her phone vibrates in his pocket but he ignores it to focus on the task at hand.
There's another battle with the light switch. Her room illuminates to reveal a place that used to be so familiar is now a foreign land. All photos have been taken down, dust has accumulated on her dresser, and the curtains are drawn. A bundle of blankets laid out on her floor in the corner of her room catches his eye.
Ignoring it, he sets her down on the bed. The phone vibrates again, then once more. Sighing, the pulls it out from his pocket.
Two New Texts from Alex
I understand if it's not enough.
You don't have to reply to me, but please text Ally and let her know you're okay.
"..."
Your friends are really worried about you.
"..."
They haven't wanted to upset you by asking, but they are concerned that something's up with you
There are no texts for a minute and Roman rolls his eyes putting it on her side table. He didn't know Alex well, but this guy is clearly fucking crazy. Carefully, he pulls at the blankets under her to cover her with. "Fuck, wash your bedding," he tells the girl with half-closed fluttering eyelids as if she understands him. She's all tucked in and he's ready to go to sleep on the couch when there is one more vibration.
New Text from Ally
Letha called me and said you stopped by earlier.
She said you were acting really weird and her dad said he's concerned.
I'm concerned too
Hellooooo????
Incoming Call from Ally. He lets it ring out.
I know you're seeing this, your read receipts are on.
If you don't respond to my text or call me in five minutes I'm calling 911.
Incoming Call from Ally. He sends it to voicemail.
I'm not joking emily parker. If you don't text me back I WILL call 911.
I'm not fucking around you are scaring me
Roman panics and sends back a bullshit text quickly. He can hear his heartbeat in his head as he tries to piece together all of the texts. Things escalated so quickly, from an apology to a calling the police threat. Roman knew he was supposed to stay there, but fuck his head was pounding.
He has to go. He has to leave now.
.
A/N: Whoo. That was a monster to write wow. This kinda just rolled out and now it's a monster lol. I hope everyone is enjoying it and thank you for reading! We hit #1 on the Roman Godfrey tag this week which so so so awesome. Thank you for every vote and comment that helped me get there! Honestly, every time I see a comment or vote I get so fucking excited it's stupid.
Also, sorry to anyone who thought/was hoping Emma was pregnant. I talked at the beginning of this story about how things were based on my own personal experience and one of the things that has stuck with me was that I had lost so much weight that I stopped menstruating. I knew from the beginning that that was something I wanted to include because it's not really brought up so yeah idk