Seth already has a cappuccino in front of him when I get to The Rooster. I order one too at the coffee bar and go to sit across from him.
"Okay. Tell me everything." His eyes are greedy and he has a huge stupid smile across his face.
"Uh." I look around noticing the people surrounding us. Sure, they're focused on their own drinks, conversations, or newspapers but there are some words that immediately piques someone's interests. "When we're outside."
"It's cold," Seth grumbles.
"You'll be fine." He catches me staring at his puffy coat on the back of his chair and rolls his eyes. "Coats can only do so much. What are we supposed to talk about now?"
I prop my head on my hands. "How's the college search going?"
This only seems to depress him judging by the way his eyes drop to his drink. "My search isn't that interesting. I'm going to the community college, remember? I'm not spending a ton of money and then find out I don't like it. What about you? You and Kali going to be roomies?" He winks.
"Yeah, right," I whisper. I take a long sip of my drink. "We revisited that subject and we're requesting the same building but letting the randomness of roommates work its magic. The percentage of gay girls at that college is high. I'm sure Kali will meet the girl of her dreams." I can't help the bitterness in my voice.
Seth raises his eyebrows. "Catty," he says, but doesn't follow it up with another question. "I'm giving up on love but am planning on finding some single friends."
"That's probably a good idea." I lean over and say as quiet as I can, "they're together right now?"
"Probably," Seth says, not bothering to lower his voice. "They're always together."
It's been almost five months since they became an official secret couple and I'm surprised to see Seth stuck in this rut. He's not a romantic by any means but if they've gone this long and are still happy, I don't know why he's waiting for Elliot to betray Imari. "Are you really worried about them not working out? Do you think he's going to do something?"
Seth pushes his fingers through his hair. "I don't think so. We don't all hang out much because it's hard enough to keep this secret as it is. Once, I let them come to my house when my mom was out. Not to do anything like that," he clarifies when he sees my disgusted face. "But just to spend time together and they're definitely in love. They're still gross but he really does care for him. Imari's lucky." He says this last part a little wistfully and I feel rage at the person who hurt him over the summer. What an asshole.
I finish the last of my cappuccino and let the subject drop. Seth might be lying but it's better than insisting on their relationship becoming a train wreck. "Ready to go for a walk or do you think we're going to freeze?"
"I think the conversation we're about to have will warm me up," he says. This gets a look by a girl our age nearby. She watches us both as we walk out the café. When I turn around to see her still watching, she gives me a thumbs up. I want to mouth 'he's gay' to her, but I let her think what she wants. The real story I'm about to tell is a lot more interesting anyway.
We follow the path Kali and I always follow along the lake. The wind is blowing but in short gusts and it's more revitalizing than painful.
Seth pulls out a beanie from his pocket and shoves it on his head. "Do you think I could get away with smoking here?" I give him a look, and he shrugs one shoulder. "Yeah probably not."
We walk in silence and I feel like I can breathe out here. Instead of panicking like I thought I would with all that's been on my mind, my shoulders relax and I look around. It's at nothing in particular but just to be here, breathing in the cold air and hearing the snow crunch underfoot. The moon reflects off the frozen bits of lake and out in the center, the water is inky black. I watch the water lap against the icy shore and breathe in with the waves.
"You promised me gossip. When are you going to spill?" Seth asks breaking my meditative feelings. I bring myself to the conversation at hand.
I think for a moment trying to pick at a thread where it feels right to begin. The meteor shower night? Maybe but I feel like it's been going on too long before that to start there. "How about you ask questions. I don't think I can get it all out at once. I don't even know where to start."
He shivers next to me then shoves his hands in his coat pockets. "Okay. How are you and Finn?"
I look at him to see if he's joking, but he's not. His eyes are as sleepy looking as ever but he isn't smiling.
"That's a rough question. I guess not great? I don't know. He's been on the phone a lot doing college stuff. We've been talking about going, well, all the way?"
Seth lets out a loud laugh and I cringe. "Sorry, sorry. But all the way? Are you in middle school?"
"Fine!" I laugh too. "We've been talking about having sex. We had plans for New Year's Eve but with the snow storm, that fell through. It's come up once or twice since then but the last time we almost did and I didn't feel like me. I don't know how to explain it."
"You didn't know what you were doing? Did it feel forced?"
"Not exactly," I shift my shoulders and feel incredibly uncomfortable telling Seth about this. "I've never had a big block in my head when it's come to sleeping with someone. I never have but only because the opportunity never came up. Now I have the opportunity. I'm not afraid of losing my virginity or whatever. It's more like I feel like I'm lying to him. Not just about the bisexual thing," I say quickly at his raised eyebrows. "That I could deal with. It's a part of me and sure I want to tell him about it someday but I don't feel guilty keeping that to myself. I'm not ready. It's the Kali part."
He stops, kicking one foot back and forth. "Can we sit down?"
I feel nervous all of a sudden and look around. The path is deserted and I can only hear cars from the nearby highway. "Yeah, I guess."
We walk over to a bench facing the lake. He turns to look at me and I do the same, bringing my knees up under my chin to give him all of my attention.
Seth's eyes are on mine, but I don't know what else to say. Instead, I chew on my lip and then he opens his mouth. "That was the first question I was going to ask but I thought I'd start with something lighter." I laugh, but it's more of a choke. I'm on the verge of tears again. "You're still into her."
I nod. I consider leaving it at that but instead, I tell the truth. "Into her might be an understatement."
"Really." He doesn't look like he's being sarcastic. He has genuine surprise on his face. "Like how much of an understatement?"
I can't keep the eye contact. I look over his shoulder and try to form my thoughts and worries into words. "I don't know if she even feels the same way. Why be stuck on her if it's going to make our friendship fall apart?"
I am honestly feeling worse every second we talk about this. I'm tempted to ask Seth if we can go home, but I know he would be disappointed and I would be too. What am I going to do? Go home and feel miserable like I do every other night?
He watches me and I meet his eyes. "Worst-case scenario time."
I groan. "We have to do it," he says.
"Fine."
He grins. Seth is the only one who enjoyed this game and while I would do it for Kali, I never liked being on the receiving end. "But first, we have to establish the understatement thing. Really Teagan."
He's staring at me and I focus on only his eyes ignoring the nervous, jumpy feeling in my stomach and tell him.
"When I think of Kali I want to scream. Forever. In the best way possible. And jump all over my room singing at the top of my lungs. I think of her lying in bed with me and being able to tell her everything. I mean, I already do but it's different in this way. More secretive, more just in between the two of us. She put her arm around me in the first time since New Year's and I thought my body would burn up. I wanted to kiss her so badly but I couldn't."
My eyes are steady on Seth's. He's grinning ear to ear. I glare. "Sorry." His face goes serious. "Okay. Scenario?"
"I tell Kali I'm kind of in love with her."
He doesn't smile this time even though I can see the corners of his mouth twitching. "Worst-case scenario number one," he starts. "Kali doesn't love you back like that. What will you do?"
It actually feels like a stab to the chest, which is stupid. This is hypothetical.
"We awkwardly tiptoe around each other and then- "
"Remember to be realistic," Seth says. I take a breath and stop before I can voice what my first thought is. I know Kali.
"And then we go back to normal. After the summer maybe but we'll live in the same hall at school so we'll see each other. I'll manage to do something over the summer to work through the feelings and being denied is a great start. One day I'll talk to her and let her know I want to go back to the way it was before. Obviously, it won't be the exact same way but I don't regret telling her."
I feel relieved spewing all of this out. Seth doesn't flinch and keeps going.
"Worst-case scenario number two: Kali likes you back but you're with Finn. What can you do?"
Another stab to the chest. All of these are too hard and this one is the 'happiest' one and it's terrible. I take longer this time to think up a reaction.
"I wonder if I'm in a love triangle and read a romance novel to figure out where to go from there," I joke.
Seth just says, "Ha. Answer the question."
I roll my eyes at his lack of enjoyment at my predicament and answer. "Alright. She likes me back and I'm with Finn. I have to tell Finn first. About my feelings and all of it. I tell him and well that creates two other possibilities. If he's angry, we break up. I go to Kali. If we don't break up..."
I swallow. Seth raises an eyebrow and me and I know what must be clearly written on my face. Like that idea is the worse possibility of them all. I take a deep breath and continue.
"I figure it out from there. I really can't decide right now. I love Finn but... I think I would choose to be with Kali."
Seth watches me carefully. And I groan at the nerves and the immediate elation I feel after I say that. "Shit," I mutter. "I am not ready to break up with him." I avoid Seth's look feeling like a terrible person.
"I don't think you have to right now," Seth says.
I look up. "Why not? I mean I'm just putting him through all of this for no reason."
"Do you love him?"
It takes me by surprise. "Yeah, of course, but- "
"I don't think it's easy Teagan, but you might get over Kali. I know right now the feelings are more intense than before, but you know Kali as much as I do. She'll find someone."
I think of Kali and Matea. How I felt then. I don't want to watch that again, but I don't want to lose Finn. It's not my choice. I can't hold both of them in some type of limbo.
"That sounds like another worst-scenario," I say.
Seth nods for me to go on.
"In that case," I start. "I'll figure it out. Either I get over her or I don't and break up with Finn. Or I get over her and Finn and I don't work out because of some other reason."
Seth is smiling again. I smile too. "That's wasn't so bad," I say.
"You're going to get through it all, Teagan." He squeezes my arm. "But- do you want my advice?"
I need all the advice I can get. I nod.
"Talk to Finn. I think you can wait out the Kali stuff for a while longer. He doesn't need to know about it."
I must look guilty because Seth continues. "I'm not telling you to lie to him. I don't think that's good but I think you should give yourself time to talk to Finn. Tell him about being bi first and then when he asks about Kali, you can tell him there's a crush. From there you can tell him it's not a big deal or it is and you're choosing him. You already have your answers to how to deal with that."
"We didn't talk about if Finn and I break up."
Seth looks surprised and I feel a little hurt that it didn't come up before he said the game was over. He didn't see that as a worst-case scenario and I'm not sure if I do too, but I need to think through it. "Okay. Worst-case scenario. You tell Finn and he's mad about it. What do you do?"
Despite all of the confusion of sad and happy feelings, it only takes a moment for me to think up an answer. "We stay together after I talk to him about it. Tell him why I wasn't honest. About how I felt lost and didn't want to ruin a friendship and a relationship. If we break up and regardless of Kali, I move on eventually. End of the year will suck, but- Seth will you be my prom date?"
"We'll see if I get my own before, but if not, of course," Seth teases.
The pieces fall together and I for once, feel relaxed. "I'll go to prom with you and I'll have fun with my friends. Kali and I will plan our summer with college prep and I'll spend as much time with you as possible because I'll miss this. Imari will be doing whatever he's doing right now but we'll wiggle him away from time to time. The four of us will have an excellent summer. Nothing like the disaster of last year. I'll be sad about Finn but it was all just a storybook romance anyway. I'll file it away as a cute story that didn't work out, but at least I had an amazing summer."
Seth looks satisfied and I feel like the whole world has lifted from my shoulders. I can do this. No matter how it plays out.
We stand up and I stretch my legs trying to relieve the cramping from my calves. "I'm freezing, but we should keep walking."
"Thank you," I say. I'm elated and not ready to go home and feel like I've been feeling. I wanted this balloon of happiness to stay inflated a little bit longer.
We walk along the winding path again. There's nobody around on a night like this and I relish in the quiet. Seth walks silently ahead of me as we both digest our conversation.
Seth freezes right in front of me and I almost bump into him. "Hey what's going on?" I ask. When he doesn't move or answer, I step around him.
The bench slightly hidden by a bent willow tree is occupied. Imari's eyes are on Seth and Elliot is looking at his feet. I see by Elliot's tumbled hair and their open jackets that we interrupted something.
"Sorry," I say and keep walking. Seth doesn't follow.
"You're going to get caught," he says.
Imari stares hard at Elliot. "Back off Seth," he says. I've never heard a note like that in Imari's voice. His eyes are narrowed and I can feel waves of fury off from him.
"I'm trying to help," Seth says. "He doesn't want to be found out." He points at Elliot who has his hands pressed to the sides of his head and is focused on the pavement. I watch him to see if he would look up but he doesn't.
"Back off," Imari growls again.
Seth shrugs and brushes by me. "Come on Teagan."
I go to follow him and I hear Elliot's cracking voice behind me. "Don't mention this to anyone. Please."
Elliot doesn't look at me when I turn around. He's pulling at his ringlets and his face is pushed into his hands. I look at Imari. He's looking at Elliot with this heartbroken expression. He's on the far side of the bench within a hand's width of him but doesn't -or can't- reach out to him.
I know who Elliot means by anyone. Kali's the only one I would tell anyway. "Don't worry. Of course, I won't."
I try to catch Imari's eye, but he's completely focused on Elliot. I walk away and go find Seth.
Seth is hard to calm down as he stomps back to his truck, but I manage it. "Hey do we need to play a game of worst-case scenario?" I snap at him.
He breaks out of his surliness. "Sorry. No," he says. "I have a few times already."
"Well here are my ideas," I say not bothering to wait for him to give me the what ifs. As if he would, when it comes to his own life. "You're worried Elliot is going to break Imari's heart and go back to some girl like what happened to you over the summer." Seth doesn't answer but he does fumble in his pockets and takes out a baggie. "Let's go to your truck and go somewhere before you start that up. I want to drive."
He tosses me the keys and we drive out to a snowplow turn around near a dead-end road. We both get out of the car. He takes out a pipe and a baggy. After he's done packing and lighting it, I ask "Better?"
"No," he growls. "But you can go on with your game."
Despite his attitude, it's not a complete shutdown so I carry on. "Here's what I think. You're used to having Imari here with you. You want him to be happy but you also want to have your best friend back."
Seth shakes his head.
"What?" I ask.
"That's not true. I'm happy Imari is with someone. You know over the summer when I was with that boy, Imari was always moping around? Then when we broke up, Imari and I spent every second together. I love him, but I like my space. Him and I are a lot different. He needs people. I'm fine by myself though I like having you around every once in a while." He bumps my shoulder. "I'm glad he's with someone. I just don't want him hurt. I don't know if he can handle it."
"Alright so worst-case scenarios."
Seth acknowledges me by taking another hit.
"Elliot and Imari get stuck hiding this until next year in college. Even if Elliot is hanging out with the guys from this school next year, he's going to come out about their relationship. He's not going to pretend to be straight forever. If they break up, it will suck, but Imari will be fine."
"You forgot about the whole part where Elliot dates some girl to keep his reputation in check."
"And you forget I hang out with Elliot." I shove him. "Elliot is not a bad guy. You should have had me check out this douchebag you dated over the summer. I would have figured him out right away."
"Like how you figure out your own life?" He's apologizing even before the hurt look crosses my face. "God, I'm sorry Teagan. Jesus. I didn't mean that. I'm being an asshole. I know Imari can take care of himself. I need to stop playing worst-case scenarios without Imari. I bet he has his own good solutions. He's probably already done it."
I give him a little smile and let the tension in my body go. Even if Seth feels like that about me, I'm not letting it upset me. It's true and there's nothing wrong with that. I might as well own the whole I don't know what I'm doing part.
Seth finishes up and we get back in the car. I drive around until he sobers up enough to drive and we don't talk much. There's no point of rehashing all of the drama in my life or Imari's. It's a peaceful quiet and I'm relaxed for the first time in a while.
We switch seats at my house and I give him a kiss on the cheek as a thank you. His face reddens a little but he looks at me before I leave the vehicle. "You'll figure it out Teagan. Get a hold of me if you need something."
I promise to and walk inside. I fall asleep and feel a little more put together than usual.