Song Above: Lovely Billie Eilish & Khalid
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"You want me to walk you to your door?" Ryan smiled with a glimmer of hope in his eyes as we pulled up to my house.
Dinner had been eventful since no one really spoke after Brody and I's outburst. Rose kept trying to make conversation but even she realized there was no point. Ryan had removed his hand from my leg during the argument and didn't put it back at any point.
I spent most of the evening sending scowls in a certain someone's direction hoping he'd choke on the papaya or somehow develop an allergic reaction, whilst he completely acted as if I wasn't sat directly opposite him. If it wasn't for the fact he kept accidentally kicking me I would have believed he thought I wasn't.
I couldn't get his words out of my head. They kept replaying in my mind the whole car journey home.
"You'd rather go for the easy boring option than take a risk or even an adventure,"
Was that what I was doing?
I was attracted to Ryan and we had so much in common, but I couldn't deny that I felt something was missing.
But who was Brody to point that out?
Ryan wasn't a boring option for sure and it wasn't fair of Brody to put him in that category, after all, he's his brother.
And if Ryan was the boring one, was he referring to himself as the adventure?
I can't deny the fact he makes me feel things I didn't want to feel, but he was the one who had decided to push me away so how dare he make a comment like that.
I heard a cough, which brought me out of my thoughts and I found Ryan still staring at me waiting for my answer.
"Yeah sure," I forced a smiled and was grateful that he didn't notice.
"Great," He beamed before turning to Brody "I'll be a sec,"
"Don't be too long," Brody groaned never taking his eyes away from the steering wheel.
He didn't even say goodbye or even look at me as I got out of the car. Prick. I squeezed Rose's shoulder and she smiled but even she looked glad to see me leaving.
As far as she was aware Brody and I's argument was just due to our hatred towards one and another. If she knew the context I think I would have lost a friend.
"I'm so sorry about today," Ryan said his voice sad as we walked up to my driveway.
I turned my head towards him, my eyebrows scrunched together "Why are you sorry?"
He lets out a sigh "Because I know it was supposed to be us going to dinner and I stupidly invited Brody, I forgot how much you two don't get along,"
"It's okay, the food was great despite the silence," I tried to laugh but it came out false and this time Ryan noticed.
His face dropped "I haven't ruined things have I?"
"No, of course, you haven't," I grabbed his hand and gave him a reassuring squeeze.
Ryan was sweet and gentle and everything that I needed right now.
So why wasn't I happy?
He looked down at our hands and smiled.
"So I was wondering-"
A loud horn stopped him in his tracks and I looked up the drive to find Brody waving his hands around impatiently.
"Ryan comes on," He yelled. I could have sworn I saw him glance down at our hands and frown.
Ryan gave an apologetic look "I'll see you tomorrow at school,"
"Yeah see you tomorrow,"
He nodded and turned to leave, but not before turning back and unexpectedly leaning in to give me a kiss on the cheek. His lips lingered for a couple of seconds. It was warm and soft against my skin.
"Bye," he whispered as he leaned back, his eyes gleaming with a smile on his face.
I stared wide-eyed at his body as he retreated back to the car. I snuck a glance at Brody and regretted it. His lips held into a thin line and his hands gripped the steering wheel. I could see Rose talking to him, but it seemed he wasn't listening to a word that she was saying.
Ryan hopped back into the car and I watched Brody's mouth moved as he muttered something to him. He glanced back at me and shook his head harshly turning the steering wheel and disappearing down the road.
I stayed outside for a couple of seconds, trying to register what had just happened. Ryan had kissed me, I know it wasn't a full-blown make-out session but his lips still touched me. It was nice.
But nice isn't what you want.
I tried to push that thought away and accepted it for what it was. A cute guy had kissed me and I should be happy, I mean I am happy, I just deep down wished it was someone else who had done it.
But that someone else doesn't feel the same. I mean he looked angry at the fact Ryan had kissed me, but it's probably because he doesn't think I'm good enough for him.
That had to be it right?
I shook my head trying to forget about tonight's events and put my keys into my front door, pulling it open. I paused when I heard music coming from the living room. It was unusual for my mom to have company over. She was never around enough to host.
I carefully shut the door, trying to make a minimal amount of noise and slowly walked down the corridor. I could have sworn I heard ragged breaths and the sound of liquid pouring into a glass.
If I found her spread eagle with her meditation instructor I would lose my shit.
As soon as I reached the door, I twisted it open and froze.
Sat on the floor with pictures after pictures sprawled out on the rug was my mom. She kept taking sips of her wine and rubbing at her cheeks. I could only see the back of her and did not know what her face looked like.
My heart lurched when I recognized the song playing. It was the song my mom and dad danced to at their wedding. I hadn't heard it in a while, but the familiar melody and lyrics reminded me of times I had almost forgotten.
Or tried to purposely forget.
"Mom?" I hesitantly hovered in the doorway. I was not prepared for this.
I saw her back tense and she quickly put her glass down, rubbing at her cheeks before turning to face me.
My stomach dropped. Her eyes were glassy with visible stains of mascara underneath them. She looked pink in the cheeks and I could see her lips quivering.
"Ivy, I didn't expect you to be back yet," she smiled but it didn't quite reach her eyes.
"Dinner wass cut shortt" I stammered, unable to comprehend what I had just walked into. I hadn't seen my mom cry since the funeral and even then it was barely a sniffle.
"Come sit with me," She gestured to the empty spot next to her and I nodded, nervously sitting beside her. I didn't know what to do with my hands so I placed them on my lap and fiddled with my thumbs.
We were silent for a couple of seconds just the song filling the empty space. Without saying anything, she picked up a picture and passed it to me. I look down and felt an ache in my chest.
It was a picture of my father.
He was young, a lot younger than I remember seeing him. He must have been in his early twenties way before I was born. He held a ginormous pint of beer in his hand and grinned cheekily at the camera.
"That was in Germany," She added her eyes never leaving the picture "We traveled Europe together, I remember that night so well. Your dad drank two of those and ended up passed out in the bathroom with his head in the toilet,"
I croaked a laugh, "I'm not surprised, that glass is the size of his head,"
"And this one," She picked up another picture and grinned, "Is the night you were born,"
I sucked in a breath. Slumped against a chair my dad held baby me in his arms. The look of happiness evident in his eyes and the smile that stretched across his cheeks as he looked down at me. I had never seen him happy like this before. Growing up all I remember is this heavyweight he carried on his shoulders. He would be present in a room but his mind elsewhere.
What had happened between then and now for him to feel so differently?
I didn't realize I had been crying until I saw a tiny droplet of liquid fall onto the picture. I quickly rubbed my eyes and put the picture down. Standing up abruptly and marching towards the door.
Why was she doing this? She had spent so long pretending as if he never had existed and now she wanted to sit down and reminisce.
"Ivy, where are you going?"
I span on my heel and my mom flinched at the anger coiling inside me, "I'm going upstairs, I can't deal with this bull shit,"
"Ivy listen"
"No you listen," I spat interrupting her, "He has been gone for years and now you want to look through pictures and talk about the good old days, well sorry but that's over, dead, just like he is,"
Tears brimmed my eyes and I didn't even bother to stay and listen to her scramble a response. I ran up the stairs into my room and slammed the door shut.
Sliding against the frame until I was a heap on the floor. I let the tears betray me. I wrapped my arms around myself as rapid sobs made my body shake. I wished I could bring him back to say I'm sorry, that I was sorry I didn't do anything to help him that day. I didn't notice the signs. I should have stayed home from school like we'd planned but I got so caught up in trying to make friends that I didn't give it a second thought.
Maybe I could have stopped him from killing himself.
I don't know how long I was there for but the light streaming through my blinds indicated I that I had been there all night.
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