I woke up around 4 am and couldn't go back to sleep. I had a really bad feeling, and not the kind where I have to throw up. I wasn't sure I could keep this baby. Please, don't think I am a horrible person. But I don't know if I can do this. Jimmy and I hadn't discussed the third (well, fourth) party involved in this. Robert. He technically was the father, so he should know, right? The trouble I am having is, if I tell him, what if he wants to play an active part in the baby's life? What if he wants me to move in with him and his wife, or something?
I really don't want Robert knowing the baby is his. I would be perfectly happy raising a child as though she were Jimmy's. And from what I saw this morning, so is Jimmy. But will I regret later, not telling Robert that he has a child with me? What if the child has blue eyes and enough blonde hair to make another person amd she asks why the hell she doesn't look like Jimmy, but looks like a clone of 'Uncle Robert'?
I get so knotted up inside that I end up throwing up. When I come back, I see that I have woken up Jimmy. He sits up. "Are you alright?"
"I don't know," I say as I climb back into bed with Jimmy. "Jim, I don't know if I can do this, if I can keep the baby. I don't want Robert actively involved in her life, yet I know I will regret not telling him later on--"
Jimmy stops me by stroking my cheek. "Erin, that's all way ahead of us in the future. And I know for sure that you can do this. You are a strong woman, and you will have me here with you. Trust me, we're in this together, for the long haul."
I smiled weakly. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"
The next morning, Jimmy says he is going over to visit Jones, so I decide to go out as well. I go to the market and pick up some fish for dinner, then wander about until I come to the park. As I walk through the trees, I come to the playground and see a little girl who can't be more than 5 years old, struggling to get on the swing. I smile, putting my groceries down to help her.
"Need some help?" I ask. The girl turns around and gives me a toothy grin.
"Yes, ma'am, thanks!" I smile as I lift the girl into the swing. "Could you push me, please?"
"Of course, honey." I pull back the swing and let it go, not letting her get too high.
"My name's Carmen, what's yours?" The girl asks.
"I'm Erin, its nice to meet you."
"Oh, lovely, my daddy knows a girl named Erin."
"Oh, really?" I ask, interested in this other Erin.
"Oh, yes, he says she's a real nice lady. Daddy met her at his work."
"What does your dad do?"
"He's a singer in a real famous band," I gasp a little abd stop pushing Carmen. She jumps off and comes over to me. "What's wrong, Erin?"
"What is the name of your daddy's band?"
Carmen giggles. "Led Zeppelin. My daddy's here now, he's just in the loo, changing my brother, Karac."
I smile and drop down to Carmen's level. "Are the same Erin Daddy talks about?"
I smile. "I am--" Carmen cuts me off by hugging me.
"Thank you so much for making Daddy happy while he was away for all these months." At those words, I wanted to burst out into tears. Carmen was so adorable, so beautiful and naive. And what Robert told her about me...
"Carmen!" I turned and saw Robert with a little boy in his arms. He looked at Carmen, then at me, stopping dead in his tracks. His eyes looked... upset, sorry, then I saw him smile at his daughter. I hope he doesn't apologize to me again. Robert glances at my stomach and I see him swallow with fear. I couldn't ruin his life by telling him, could I?
"Hello, Erin." Robert says, tentatively. Carmen hugs Robert's legs before going up to the slides.
I stand up, instinctively cradling my tiny bump.
"Hello Robert."