I stared at Adam, unable to truly fathom what he said.
"Are you drunk?" I finally asked.
For a second he looked surprised by my question, but then he laughed. Holding a hand to his stomach as he chuckled, he shook his head.
He grabbed my hand and continued laughing, but dragged me up onto the platform with Tim just as Tim changed the song into an old Jonas Brother's remix.
"Let's have fun, No Name."
I withdrew my hand from his and watched Tim hype the crowd up.
"Alice?" Adam asked. It was fair. I wanted to slap myself for what I was about to do, but something about being up here with Adam felt...empty. Fun, but empty.
Looking out at the crowd, I could see Lissa and Demi dancing with Jared. Jesse wasn't there. Was I really about to leave a once in a lifetime opportunity to dance on the DJ platform with Adam Hawkins?
"I..." I bit my lip as his eyes seemed to burn a hole into the side of my head while I stared at my friends having fun in the crowd. Demi was dancing horribly, Lissa was attempting to help her properly twerk and Jared was in his own world dancing by himself next to the two of them.
I should be there. This might be our last party like this, all together. I should be down there.
"I get it," Adam said.
"I'm sorry." I shook my head, knowing no one else would walk away from this. "This is crazy."
He shook his head. "No."
I swallowed, tugging at my necklace.
"Lucky bastard doesn't know what he has," he finally said in disbelief.
"No, it's not that." I glanced back out at Lissa and Demi.
"You'll always choose him." I met Adam's blue eyes. "I'll be jealous for awhile, but I'll get over it."
I laughed. "But he didn't and that's okay."
I chewed my lip, turning to face the people I loved more than anything. Somewhere along this summer, I forgot the most important thing. With a smile, I began to back away from Adam.
"I think for once, I'm going to choose me."
We parted with a smile and I shoved my way through the crowd, fighting my way to my best friends and my brother. The song changed and the crowd began to jump up and down in unison, singing along to one of my favorite songs by Ben Rector.
"Alice!" Demi yelled when I came into view. Her red hair was unruly, with her natural waves curling up into ringlets.
"It's our song!" Lissa squealed. When I reached them, Demi and Lissa slung an arm around my shoulders and we swayed as we sang to the song that defined our childhood.
"Hey, it's my song too!" Jared whined in front of us.
"Girls only, Jar!" Lissa giggled.
"Oh, oh, oh, oh!" The crowd roared.
Jared leaned into me despite Lissa and Demi slapping him away.
"Are you looking for Jesse?" he yelled over the crowd and the music.
With a smile, I reached out for his hand and made him dance with us. "I was looking for you!"
We smiled at each other and for a moment, time seemed to slow down. Everything, for just a second, was perfect.
"There's nothing like old friends!" We sang out and hugged each other tighter.
Demi and I giggled, squished underneath Jared's arms.
"Ow, Jared get off of me," Lissa growled.
"Love me Lisa!"
She smacked his stomach giving us an instant release from his armlock.
"Take me back when we were just kids," Demi and I sang out.
"We weren't scared of getting older," we sang with everyone around us.
It was true, what they say. There truly was nothing like old friends and as I stared at my two best friends and my brother, I wished for nothing more than to be a kid with them again. To not be scared of getting older.
"Look," Lissa pointed up. We followed her hand and above us a firework burst.
Maybe getting older wasn't as bad as we liked to make it. Maybe together, we would always be kids because together time worked differently. In a way it slowed down because doing life together lightened burdens and lifted the illusion that we had to go at it alone. In the same way, life moved faster with each other because time flies when you're having fun.
"That looks like a vagina." Jared said and pointed at the firework. "There's a vagina in the sky."
The three of us sighed.
"God Demi, you're boyfriend is so mature," Lissa rolled her eyes.
I stepped back, my mouth open in surprise. "Boyfriend?"
They looked at each other and smiled before shrugging.
"Seriously?!" I hugged the two of them then reached out for Lissa. "Lissa, I just have to find a way to make you my sister now."
"Get a hotter brother."
"Hey!" Demi and Jared said in unison.
We stayed in each other's hugs as we watched the fireworks and after a few minutes, I sighed. Tonight was the perfect way to end the Summer.
"I love you guys," I smiled.
"We love you," Lissa and Demi cooed.
"I have to love you, so..." Jared feigned indifference.
"Punk." I punched his shoulder, making him chuckle.
"Seriously though, I'm going to miss this, us."
They stared back at me, nodding. We all understood what the next two days meant. It was time for us to go our separate ways and who knew if once we got jobs, we would ever be together like this again.
So, for the next hour, we pushed aside the thoughts of leaving and danced together underneath the fireworks and the stars. For the next hour, we clung to the idea of not growing up and to hanging on to what would become the most monumental summer of our lives. From here on out, our moments wouldn't be defined by our Cape childhood alone. We would leave this place in the next few days creating new memories together and apart. No longer would they be reserved to our little patch of sand on the Cape anymore.
I spent the entire Summer in an unexpected love triangle, facing my demons and fearing the idea of growing up. Tonight, I could look back at the last two months knowing that no, I didn't end up with love, but I got my brother back. I was getting music back. I was getting my heart back.
In two days, I'll get on a plane to Texas. In two days, I'll have to stop wrestling with the old me in order to truly become myself. I knew that meant facing my demons with music. I knew that meant meeting with Dr. Klein in the music department. I had two days to mentally will myself to step into a room that could change the course of my career. The truth is, without Dad or Jared, I'm not entirely sure I can make myself walk back into the music department. Was I really ready to consistently open the wound from my father's death by writing songs again?
"Hey, are you okay?" Jared asked while we walked to his jeep.
I nodded.
"So," he cleared his throat, hanging back with me and letting Lissa and Demi pull ahead. "There's a sale on tickets with Southwest right now."
He wouldn't look at me, but I saw him swallow all of the things he really wanted to say.
"Really?"
He chewed his bottom lip, staring straight ahead. "Mhmm, I was thinking," he scratched the back of his head. "Maybe I could come down, soon. If you wanted."
My heart lifted knowing I would see him sooner rather than later.
"I think that would be really fun."
"Cool."
I smiled. "Cool."