-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes we do have to be selfless not selfish and think of what's going to be the best for the ones we love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Well, Elizabeth, how are you?" she asked, smiling at me from across the room. I wondered if all therapists start their session with that sentence, because Dr. Goodman certainly did. I fumbled with the ring on my index finger as I thought about my answer.
"I'm good," I said and forced a small smile on my face. I had yet to discover if it was a good decision to go to my therapist again. Dr. Goodman had been really nice to me, all those months ago. Nice and patient. Really patient. One thing had been really common at our appointments. There had been enough silence to fill the room. I had been really, really careful around her and used to contemplate a few minutes before replying if the words on the tip of my tongue didn't sound too stupid to actually say them out loud.
"Are you sure? Because it seems your mom is really worried about you."
I frowned. "She called you?"
This time Dr. Goodman frowned. "She didn't tell you?" Of course she would call her. Well, I guess having a mental breakdown in front of your parents had that kind of effect.
I shook my head. But still it hurt that she decided to keep this from me. I understood that she was worried and all but couldn't she just let me know that she called my therapist?
"Do you think your mom thought that we wouldn't talk about it?" she asked curiously, but with a hint of amusement.
I shrugged. "I don't know. Apparently not."
"And does that make you feel angry?"
I thought about this for a second. "Maybe a little, but em I think I'm more shocked that she did this behind my back."
She nodded. "Okay, so why don't you just tell me about things that happened lately?" she suggested.
I shifted my position in the black leather arm chair and gazed around the room, debating where to start. My eyes halted at the colorful carpet, covering the wooden floor. "Erm... So, my best friend moved to another state a few months ago."
"Your best friend, Johanna, right?" I nodded. It felt strange to hear someone say her full name. Jo and I had been knowing each other since kindergarten. We had been close friends since day one. "Where does she live now?"
"New York City," I said, my eyes moving to her face. Dr. Goodman had blonde hair, was slim and had beautiful blue eyes. She was quite tall and probably in her thirties.
"Have you ever been to New York?" I shook my head. "I've been there before around ten years ago, I think, and I was amazed-" I glanced to the plant behind her, in the corner of the room. It was so high that it almost touched the ceiling. "-should visit her some time."
I nodded, looking back at her. "Yeah, we're trying to figure out when we should visit her, but it's kind of tricky because of school and other stuff."
She nodded. "And how are you handling that so far? Your mom referred to that when we talked." Something bubbled up inside me at the mention of my mom. Anger. I shook the feeling off and concentrated on the question. I just wanted to forget she did that.
"I really miss her. I mean we are texting each other and trying to call and skype as often as possible, but I still miss not seeing her every day." She nodded but didn't write anything down. She never did anyway. Accept at our very first session she wrote some things down. But she hadn't ever since.
"What about your other friend... What's his name again?"
"Logan?"
"Yeah, how's Logan handling the situation?" My eyes traveled to the window to my right. It was cloudy today.
I shrugged. "I don't think it really fazes him. Maybe a bit, but not much."
She nodded thoughtfully. "And is your friendship as strong as before?"
I nodded with a smile. "Yeah. Logan is great. He'll pick me up later and we'll spend some time together. It's easier to talk to Jo and him about stuff than with my parents."
"What stuff?"
I bit my bottom lip. Bad stuff. "When I'm feeling down. That sort of stuff. If I'd tell my parents these sort of things they'd just worry and look at me with.... with-" I cut myself off. Sadness. They'd look at me with sadness.
"With?"
"With... worry, I guess. I can't explain it. But they'd treat me differently afterwards. As if I was made of glass and could easily break." But when they do that it also feels like they are tired of me being always the one who's down. Being the one who can't be fixed.
/////
50 minutes later Logan was true to his words and picked me up. Although he was ten minutes late in which I had to wait in the cold. "Are you ever not late?" I asked him with a playful glare as I got in his car and fastened my seat belt. He gave me a lopsided smile.
"That adds up to my charm."
I rolled my eyes. "Your charm consists of being lazy?" He narrowed his eyes at me. I laughed and ran a hand through my brown hair. "Okay, what's the plan?" I asked as I looked over at him, a smile on my lips. Logan was dressed in washed out jeans and a plain gray shirt. His dark hair was disheveled and looked damp and his brown eyes sparkled.
"Well Jack asked if we'd want to come around." I frowned. I was actually looking forward to some time alone curled up in a blanket with my new book. But seeing as I felt better after my conversation with Dr. Goodman I was in a good mood.
"Okay, so let's go," I said with as much enthusiasm as I could master. So we drove off.
"How did it go?" he asked softly.
"Good," I answered, not taking my eyes off the houses we passed.
"Liz?" I hummed. "You know that you can always talk to me, right?" he placed a comforting hand on my knee. My head snapped in his direction. I winced internally as I saw his worry filled eyes. Oh boy! I felt guilt slowly building in the pit of my stomach. I forced a reassuring smile on my face.
"Of course." We spent the rest of the ride in a comfortable silence. Logan had been my best friend since middle school. The three of us, Jo, Logan and I were really close, so it was hard for all of us when Jo had announced that she'd move away.
We arrived at Jack's place moments later. I was about to open the door, but Logan grabbed my arm, stopping me. "Hey, erm..." he trailed off, a loss of words, his eyes skipping from me to the center console and back again. I could tell that he wanted to tell me something.
"Logan, what is bothering you?"
"What's bothering you, Liz?!"
I frowned. "What are you talking about?"
"Why are you seeing your therapist again?" His eyes were practically pleading me to answer him. I couldn't bear to look him in the eye instead I looked ahead. What should I tell him, that I broke down, because I couldn't handle it anymore? I gulped.
"What do you think?"
I heard him sigh. "I know that it's been hard for you since the a-"
"Can we just not talk about this? Please!" We sat in silence , my words hanging in the air. Guilt crept it's way into my conscious . "I'm sorry." I didn't want to explain myself. I just had a session with my therapist which made me feel better , but repeating everything would made me feel the opposite. 'Cause no matter what people tell you, opening up to someone is exhausting. I bit my lip. "Let's go inside," I suggested, reaching for the door.
"Why can't you just tell me what's wrong?"
I closed my eyes for a brief moment and sighed. "Logan," I turned back to him. "I ..." I trailed off, not knowing what to say. "I don't want to worry you," I admitted honestly, silently begging him to drop it.
"Liz, please-" I cut him off, already knowing what he was about to say. How? Well, because I had the exact same conversation with my parents a few days ago.
"Logan do you trust me?"
He answered without hesitating. "Of course."
"Then let it go," I said softly, before opening the door and stepping outside, leaving a flabbergasted Logan behind.
/////
"Look who it is," Tony said as we entered the basement, taking his eyes off of the flat screen for a second. Today, like on every random get together they were playing a video game. Before I could greet him back Jeremy walked up to me.
"Elizabeth, my dear," he welcomed me. Then took my hand and kissed it. I blushed. Jeremy, always the chivalrous football player. In fact every single one of my friends were football players. No idea how an outsider like me got so many jocks as friends. Weird, I know.
"Hey guys," I waved at them.
"Want something to drink?" Jack, our host this afternoon, asked. I nodded. "Where have you guys been by the way?" he asked as he walked to his mini-fridge. I felt a lump form in my throat, making it hard to swallow as I excepted the bottle of water from him with a 'thanks'.
Nobody besides Jo, Logan and my family knew that I was seeing a therapist. Although I had known the guys for years I never told them about my mental condition. So, it was time to lie. "I had a doctors appointment." Well, it wasn't exactly a lie. In a way she was a doctor. Just not for physical sickness.
"You sick or something?" Liam asked, a hint of concern in his voice.
"My overprotective mom wanted my blood values checked," I lied smoothly, rolling my eyes. They seemed to buy it.
"Where's your patch?" Logan asked.
Was he for real? I shot him a quick look before answering. "I ripped it off." I knew that he was hoping to get the others to catch me lying. But that wasn't going to happen. He never said it, but I knew he wasn't okay with my lying all the time.
Jack laughed. "Liz, you little rebel."
I flashed him a smile. I don't know why I hadn't told them yet. To keep them from worrying, I guess. I took a seat on the couch between Tony and Jeremy. I wondered were Drake was. "How's it going, Jere?" I asked. But before he could answer Drake joined us in the basement.
"Sorry, guys, I had to take that call. That was R-" he stopped once he sees Logan and me, phone clutched in his hand. "Oh, hey guys," he greeted.
"Who called?" Logan asked.
Drake scratched the back of his neck. "Eh... that was Ryan."
"So? What's the problem?" Jack asked. Drake stayed silent for a moment.
"What have you done?" Jere asked, his body tense.
"Fun story... I em... may or may not... sorta invited him to come."
WHAT?!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey guys!
Soooo... chapter 1, hope you all like it
Please vote/comment?
Hugs and kisses
Kathy