I never imagined being in this position. I went about life foolishly and naively ignoring the inevitable possibility of death, the final stage of life. And yet...here I was, being forced to face death in the face. For weeks, the doctors told us they were "cautiously optimistic," whatever that meant. Just when his recovery seemed possible, I came back to a hospital room full of crying family members. Complications had happened. His heart gave up on him.
In that moment, my world, my very life shattered around me. It crumbled, crushing me underneath the heavy weight of heartbreak and loss. I did everything in my power to keep myself together, but today, the day after my father died. I felt nothing. I was but an empty shell of nothing.
People spoke to me, asked me questions and I replied in a monotonous manner, but when my dad died, a part of me died with him.
I wasn't okay and the comfort others tried to offer me only added to the chaos. I didn't want comfort, I didn't want friends or family, I wanted Dad.
"Honey," she placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed lightly. "Are you ready to go home?"
"No."
"Al, it's time." Jared stepped behind Mom, his eyes red and his hair in a bun at the nape of his neck.
"No," I managed to choke out as I squeezed my father's hand harder.
"Alice, he's gone," Jared reiterated.
"It's my fault," I whispered as I stared at my dad in the hospital bed. "It's my fault."
Mom hugged me from behind and cried into my hair. "No honey, no."
"I wasn't here, mom," I cried and laid my head onto his still chest. "No dad, wake up," I begged, sobs escaping me.
"Alice, stop," Jared yanked at my arm.
"Stop," Mom snapped.
"What's wrong with you?" I cried out.
"I just watched him take his last breath! Where were you?" Jared burst.
Tears began streaming down my face as I stared at my father. I left him. I left him to die.
The Ferris wheel spun and I watched as the different colors went up and over and up again. It was hypnotic really.
I lifted the plastic cup up to my mouth and took a sip of its bitter contents, wincing as it passed down my throat.
The memory was on replay, nonstop, my last moment with him made its way to the front of my mind as if my guilt wasn't enough of a reminder.
I sighed and dug my heels further into the sand.
"Happy summer," I whispered to the sunset, lifting my blue plastic cup.
Two more days left at home. Two more days in what most people call paradise...vacation. Me? The cape was somewhere on the spectrum between home and my own personal hell.
I scoot further under the umbrella when I saw him. Truth was I had been waiting for him to teach a lesson this morning. I knew he would and I wanted to at least see him one more time before I left. Even if that meant sneaking around so he didn't know I could see him.
He peeled his T-shirt over his head and threw it to the ground with his backpack, bending over to grab sunscreen. Why did I never allow myself to crush on those muscles?
With a sigh, I took another drink and leaned back on my elbows. He took his sunglasses off and grinned as the kid walked over to him. He shook hands with his parents. If I didn't know any better, the mom was giving him a once over.
I don't blame you lady.
"Whatcha doin?"
I jumped, my drink flying out of my hand and all over my beach towel.
"Shit," I gasped. "Dammit Jared, I swear."
"You do indeed," he smirked as he crouched beside me.
"Go away."
"Drinking at 10 am?" He dipped his fingertips into the spill I was currently trying to clean up and licked his fingers. "Vodka and orange juice."
I stared at him, desperately wanting to reply with a remark about his alcohol knowledge but I refrained.
He shrugged. "At least you're getting your vitamin C."
Sighing, I began packing my stuff back into my beach bag. It was pathetic, my being out here to creep anyway, embarrassing even. I needed to leave immediately.
"Aw Al, I was just joking, come on." He stood up and blocked me from leaving. I anxiously watched Jesse over Jared's shoulder to make sure he wouldn't see me.
"You're hovering." I swung my bag over my shoulder and placed my hand on my hip.
His mouth opened and closed. "Well," he scratched the back of his head.
"Jar, I'm fine."
I turned on my heel and began walking away. He jogged up beside me and nudged me with his shoulder.
"I was actually coming to see if you wanted to go surf."
Glancing suspiciously at him from the corner of my eye, I stopped.
"I don't have a board."
Suddenly he held his keys up in front of my face. I shoved them away and sighed.
"I don't want to surf here though."
"Down by Wright's Rock?" He grinned.
"Mr. Wright would kill us," I began walking again.
Jared matched my stride. "Maybe you, but he loves me." He smirked.
Knowing he wasn't going to be letting up anytime soon, I nodded. With a grin, he clapped his hands and grabbed me by my elbow and yanked me to the right. He began yapping away about how incredible his date with Demi went last night, which I was incredibly happy about, but also not in the mood.
By the time we reached his jeep, I was wondering how I had put up with his incessant chatter my entire life. Did he even realize I wasn't listening?
I shut the door as he started the jeep. I was nodding my head, agreeing monotonously as I secretly watched Jesse out in the ocean with one of his students. The mother was hovering. I scoffed.
"What?"
I turned to Jared, shocked out of my trance. "What?" I echoed.
He narrowed his eyes and began to reverse. "What's up with you?"
"Listen, I had a tramautic event recently." I crossed my arms and sunk lower into my seat as he pulled out onto the road back home.
"Uh huh," he murmured suspiciously. "You and Jesse okay? I thought you two lovebirds would be all over each other before you left."
I cringed and lowered my sunglasses back into place.
"We decided it was best if we stayed friends." Dick.
"Ah Al, I'm sorry." He turned into our driveway and placed it in park. He turned in his seat to look at me.
"For what? We're cool, Jar." I shrugged and shoved the door open to go grab my board.
"You're evading!" he called out as he quickly hopped out of the jeep and jogged up the steps after me.
Before opening the front door, I turned around. "What?"
"Therapy talk." he shrugged.
"Keep it in therapy," I pursed my lips and stepped into the house with Jared in tow. "I also have a lot of curiosity around you being in therapy."
"Listen, every adult needs therapy, it's the bomb."
"The bomb?" I stopped in my tracks at what I was seeing in front of me.
"Why are you so judge--" He crashed into the back of me, sending me stumbling forward and announcing our clumsy presence.
Mom and Gerald's heads popped up. Mom looked panicked. Gerald looked like he was ready to pounce.
"Hi!" she chirped.
"Jeez, get out of the way." Jared stepped to the side and walked to the kitchen. "What's up Mom?"
I was frozen to the rug in the entryway. His pudgy cheeks were red, his smile becoming painful for me to watch.
"Hey! We should have dinner tonight?" She was being awkward, staging a statement as question as if she feared our reaction. Wrong, not Jared's, mine.
"Easing in to it, huh?" Gerald murmured under his breath.
Our eyes met. A feeling that can only be described as betrayal began rising up inside of me as Mom glanced at Gerald and then me.
Jared shot me a look from across the room that clearly said to be nice. I forced myself to form a smile, genuine or not, and nodded to confirm the so called dinner.
Mom clapped her hands together in excitement and grabbed Gerald's arm.
"This is going to be so great!" She stood up and rushed into the kitchen, practically diving into the fridge.
Crossing my arms, I cocked one hip and stared at Gerald. He swallowed and pursed his lips as he tapped his index finger on the wooden table.
"So, I hear you're leaving early?"
"Thank God," I murmured and decided staying in here was an awkward waste of time so I left the three of them in peace to go find the surfboards myself.
Jared glanced at me as I walked past him, an apple in his mouth mid-bite.
"I'll go get the boards."
He nodded just as I made my escape. When the outside air hit me with a breezy rush, I sighed. The weight of that interaction rolling off me with a dreaded anticipation. With a shiver of horror, I jogged down the steps to find the boards in the closet beneath the house.
It took a few moments of mental preparation to part the spiderwebs covering the door, but with the help of my flip flop, I pried the wooden door open. A few deflated floaties spilled out and I jumped at the slap of a boogie board hitting the concrete floor.
"You're going surfing?"
I squeaked out another moment of terror at the sound of his voice directly behind me.
"Jesse," I breathed.
He let out a quiet chuckle and took a few steps back.
"Sorry."
"Jared and I are," I explained and turned back to pull my board out. I pushed away any guilt of our recent toilet papering scheme. I also wondered if he was going to bring it up. Stupid Lissa.
"Thought you were at a lesson," I grumbled.
"Huh? A lesson—how did you—"
"I remember the schedule!" I quickly lied to cover my tracks and mentally slapped myself.
"Right, well, yeah I was. The dad cut it short for work or something."
I snorted. Or because his wife was undressing you with her eyes, I thought.
"Here," he murmured and helped me with Jared's. He rest it up against the wall and dusted his hands on his board shorts.
"Thanks." I wiped my hands on my tank top and crossed my arms.
He smiled a small smile. "Well," he rubbed the back of his neck. "I guess that answers my question of whether he wanted to go surfing or not."
I pursed my lips in response and glanced away awkwardly.
"Look Al—"
"Don't," I interrupted him. "We're fine Jesse, I get it."
"No, what I did was—"
"Hey Alice, are you ready?" Jared swung over the staircase and landed right next to us, forcing Jesse back a few steps and me to quickly uncross my arms to appear normal.
"Yeah," I chirped and reached for my board.
"Hey man!" Jared clapped Jesse on the shoulder and squeezed. "Want to hang later? Sorry, just wanted to surf with the sis before she leaves in a couple of days."
Jesse's eyes snapped up to me. "Couple of days?"
"Better say your goodbyes since you'll be in Florida when she bounces." Jared placed his board under his arm and narrowly missed me with the back end as he turned around.
Jesse forced a smile. "Right, yeah."
"Anyway, we can hang after the awkward family dinner tonight with Mom's new boo," Jared grinned at me. "That is if Alice doesn't kill us all in the process."
I sneered at him. "Ha ha."
Jesse's hazel eyes zeroed in on me.
Jared glanced suspiciously between the two of us before clearing his throat. "Here," he reached for my board. "I'll be in the jeep when you're ready."
He rushed away, leaving Jesse and I to stare each other down.
"You're leaving early?" he asked.
"Well, I didn't have a reason to stay anymore." I shuffled from foot to foot awkwardly.
He sighed. "I was hoping we could talk when I got back."
I laughed. "I think you said enough."
"Al—"
"Stop calling me that," I spit. He didn't get to call me that anymore.
Shock crossed his features for a split second before he recovered.
"I'm sorry Jesse, but I don't think we can go back to the way things were." I swallowed and sighed sadly. "Not anymore," I whispered. How could I be friends with the guy I had feelings for?
His eyes searched mine and his hand twitched at his side. The restraint he was putting up was written all over him, but he didn't push me. Instead, he sucked in a deep breath and blew it out of his cheeks. He nodded in understanding.
"Goodluck in Florida," I turned on my heel and walked away, knowing he wouldn't come after me. With each step I took, my heart felt heavier knowing this was the one time I desperately wanted him to be the annoying guy he was and to come fight for me. I wanted him to pester me, to force me to stay. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to choose me. I needed him to wrap his warm tan hand around my arm and spin me around to face him.
But as I opened the door to Jared's jeep and climbed inside, I knew he wouldn't.
"You ready to get your ass kicked?" he put the jeep in reverse with a grin.
I shook the feeling of heartbreak away and forced a smile. While one relationship crumbled, another one was healing and I suppose if that's the one thing that came out of this summer break then it was worth it.
"You wish." I stared out the window at the ocean, closing my eyes to relish the feeling of the warm humidity washing over me as Jared drove.
I leaned my head against the window, closed my eyes and let the wind whip my hair around my face because the truth was, maybe I was going to miss this. Maybe I was going to miss home. I was going to miss who I was here and maybe that's really because I was beginning to miss...me. The me I would never fully recover.
Promise me.
My eyes shot open and my heart dropped. Dread filled me as I tried to swallow down the memory of my Father.
"Hey, you okay?" Jared interrupted my thoughts.
I shook the echo of my father's voice away and nodded, facing the boats on the horizon.
"Yeah," I breathed knowing full well that I wasn't because once back in Texas, I would have to face the music. Literally.
Was I ready to confront a songwriting career again? Was I ready to face my father and I's passion?