»Je ne peux pas vivre sans toi, alors je vais pleurer pour toi. Faire tout ce que je peux, sentir ce contact de votre main.«
»I can't live without you, so I'll cry for you. Do anything I can, to feel that touch from your hand.«
March 30, 1998
"And, that's a wrap!" The director yelled, making everyone cheer. We finally finished shooting the video for my song, 'Are You That Somebody'. I was pretty happy, but I still promised Nas that I would head over to the studio to record for his song, 'You Won't See Me Tonight'. It wouldn't be much of a hassle, the parts that I have to record are very short, but still noticeable.
"Mommy, that was amazing!" The twins shouted while running up to me and hugging my legs.
"Thank you my babies. Did you guys grab a snack while I was dancing?"
"Yes, mommy. Uncle Rashad gave us cookies and donuts." Donald said, pointing to Rashad, who was holding Julien. I asked Rashad to come on set, since all of my friends were busy. Diane wanted to stay with DeVanté for some reason. Speaking of which, I sent him divorce papers a week ago, but he continues to ignore them. Each time I tried to speak to him on the phone, he kept begging for me to come back to him. I might have been highly stupid in the past, but I've gained common sense. So, me being the intellectual that I am, I hung up. No need for all the whining, he knew what he was doing to whole time while beating the dog shit out of me.
"That's good. Now, go get your jackets so we can go." I smiled. They both nodded in agreement and ran to get them.
"Carmen, can I talk to you?" Missy whispered to me. I invited her on set, but she didn't want to be in the video. Though, we became closer by the day.
"Sure, Miss. What's up?"
"All I want to say is, that I'm proud of you. For getting away from DeVanté, and becoming completely unfazed by the situation." Missy pulling me in for a hug. She was smiling from ear to ear, but it quickly faded away. Missy inhaled with her eyes shut, then let out a deep breath. "So, it means that I have to tell you this..." She started off with that, and I was in complete disbelief in what I was hearing. She told me that DeVanté used to starve, dehydrate, and overwork them while mentoring them. Not only that, she said that he used to hit them. I honestly couldn't believe it, but I wouldn't put it past him. Missy explained all the trouble she had over there, and how DeVanté would pursue his female mentes to have sex with him. After hearing that, I definitely wasn't going back to him, ever.
"Missy, I didn't kn-"
"It's fine, really. Thankfully, Gin had the idea for us to leave him alone music wise. Plus, I could tell that you didn't know, he was cheating after all." She chuckled.
"Wow, thank you for telling me."
"You're welcome, and I think it's time you head out. Your kids are buggin' Timb over there." She laughed and pointed to Timbaland, who seemed annoyed by the twins poking at him and asking him random questions.
"Do you like my mommy?" Donald asked.
"Do you have H.I.V?" Olivia asked before Timbaland could answer Donald's question. He gave a disgusted look as to how she even knew what H.I.V was.
"Alright, come on trouble makers. Sorry for them bugging you, Timb. They just ate sweets not too long ago." I said, holding the hands of both Donald and Olivia.
"It's alright, they're just being curious." Timbaland waved me off.
"He's being too defensive, he probably does have H.I.V." Olivia whispered in my ear. I need to wash her mouth our with soap when we get home in a few hours.
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"You won't see me tonight, you won't see me tomorrow. I'll be gone by daylight, and you'll be so full of sorrow. You go tell all your friends, how you go then I follow. But you won't see me tonight, no you won't see me tomorrow." I sang into the mic. I watched Nas through the glass, he nodded his head to the beat. I removed my headphones and exited the booth afterwards.
"So, how was that?"
"Shit was amazi-" He started to say, but I cleared my throat and pointed to the twins who were sleeping on the couch. They might have been in slumber, but they have sharp hearing. "I mean, it's dope. You really have an amazing voice."
"Thank you, Nas. It was a pleasure to be on your record." I smiled, giving him a warm hug.
"Thank you for being on it. I'm just glad that that punk ain't here to stop you." He chuckled. Now that I think about it long enough, I now realize that I feel free. Free to do whatever I want, to wear whatever I want, to sing whatever I want. DeVanté isn't here to stop me from being... me. Wow, I haven't tasted freedom in the longest.
"I'm glad too. Now I can float like a butterfly and sting like a bee." I flared my arms around in a playful manner. Nas laughed at my antics, which were pretty weird. I mean, who else prances around the studio like a ballerina?
"You do that. I'll be heading back to NY soon to visit family today. Haven't been up there since 97', so wish me luck." I gave him a thumbs up and gathered the twins and Julien's stuff so we could bounce. I can't believe, today was a good day.
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March 31, 1998 12:47 am
"Carmen, wake up babygirl." I heard a baritone voice speak over me. I recognized that voice anywhere.
"DeVanté? What the fuck are you doing here? How did you get in?"
"Never mind that, what the fuck are you doing here? You're supposed to be at home with me and our kids."
"I am home, whether you like it or not. You really ignored the dog shit out of those divorce papers just to try to convince me otherwise, huh?" I raised my eyebrow at him. DeVanté just chuckled and sat his ass on the edge of my bed.
"I mean, can you let a nigga get a chance to?"
"I gave you too many fucking chances, De. You cheated on me twice, that I know of! Face it, you lost my love completely, and you can't get it back." I shrugged. He kissed his teeth and climbed on top of me.
"Give me a chance to redeem myself, baby." DeVanté buried his face in my neck, leaving small kisses on it. I felt moisture fill my panties the more kisses he gave me. I was slowly falling for his sexual trap, and he knew it too.
"D–De." I breathlessly whispered.
"What, babygirl?"
"Fuck me." I moaned. DeVanté smiled, wasting no time to slip inside me. I didn't care how loud we were, all I needed to do was to get my climax before the sun went up. And that's what happened. I have to admit, even though DeVanté has a hard ass time in being faithful, he gives great dick. He knew every angle of my body, and knew what spots he could hit to make me scream. Don't even get me started on his oral sex, lord, that tongue is vicious.
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"Good morning." I said, making DeVanté open one eye. He smiled from ear to ear, probably thinking of something he did last night.
"Damn, Carmen. Last night was crazy as fuck." He chuckled. "So crazy, that I even nutted inside of you, whoops." He really thinks that he could trap me again. Like I said before, I gained common sense, and a lot of it.
"Aw, really."
"Yep, and you're gonna have another one of my babies in nine months." He happily rubbed his hands together, doing the same for my stomach.
"Oh honey, not to crush your dreams but, that isn't gonna happen. You see, I've been taking birth control when I have sex. And it's none of your business with who. Anyways, I took one pill when your ass was knocked the fuck out asleep. But nice try trying to trap me again. Yes, I had four of your kids, but co-parenting exists boo." I smiled.
"But, we still had sex last night. If you didn't want me to be your man anymore, you would have said no."
"Nah, I just needed some dick. And you happen to give a good serving of it. Now that it's all over, please get up and leave." I pointed to my door. DeVanté angrily put his clothes back on, and headed out immediately. He should have known that his dick was all I wanted, it's not my fault that he doesn't want to play his own game. After he slammed my door shut, that's the last time I saw him for a long time.
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May 30, 2000
"So, how has life been treating you so far, Carmen?" Cynthia asked me over the phone. She, Larenzo, and their daughter Gloria, who is now four, moved back to New York six months ago. I've been missing her crazy ass, I mean, who else is gonna annoy me with her stupid ass ambitions?
"It's fine. The movie did great, everyone loves it. And Julien really looks up to Donald. Like, he copies everything he does." I laughed.
"Of course he would, that's his big brother. And what about that sassy little girl, Diane?"
"You know Diane, studying hard as hell. School is almost over for her, then, she's up to the second grade."
"That's my Diane! And how are you doing about the whole, not seeing DeVanté for two years thing?" Cynthia tried to ease her way into the topic.
"I'm great, the kids are great, everyone is just great!" I lied. DeVanté did not see any of us for two whole years. Two! Even Donald started to think that his father doesn't love him anymore. As much as I try to get in contact with him, DeVanté shuts me out. I hope he realizes that I'm not trying to get back together with him, I just need him in our kid's lives. The only person I really spoke with was Jojo. See, why did I have to be attracted to someone like DeVanté?
"Okay..." She trailed on. "I'll call you later, baby cousin. Deuces!"
I chucked the deuces like she could see me, but I know she saw it spiritually. That's just how it is. Though, that really has me thinking. What the fuck does DeVanté do instead of seeing his children? Does all he care about is sex? Yep, that's probably it. How selfish of his loose di–, actually, I'm not gonna start that again.
"Mama, can we go to the park today? I did all my chores and homework!" Olivia smiled. Thankfully, she grew to have brown eyes instead of hazel. You don't know how torturing it is to look directly in your child's eyes and see their stupid ass daddy.
"Of course, but then we have to drag Diane, Donald, and Julien along with us."
"I know." She smiled again. Olivia then skipped away to go and get her shoes. That gave me minute to get up and grab a snack since I haven't eaten all day.
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"To live and die in L.A., it's the place to be. You got to be there to know it, everybody wanna see." Diane mumbled while walking. She seemed to really love Tupac's music. Who am I kidding, she's a big fan. Often, it's hard to convince her that she met him when she was younger. I had to pull out pictures so she would believe me. Actually, all my kids besides Julien met Tupac.
"Mama, can me and Donald play over there?" Olivia asked.
"Yes, just don't go too far." I rushed her and her brother to have the time of their lives.
"Mom, do you think dad will ever come back to us again? Or do you think he's with another woman and doesn't care about any of us completely?" Diane randomly asked, not even looking up at me once. That question caught me completely off guard, what made her ask such a question like that?
"Diane, why would you say that?"
"Well, not to be nosy, but dad is sitting over there with another woman, so..." She shrugged. I looked over to the place she mentioned and took a good look. It was in fact DeVanté, with another woman, a white woman. I could tell by the tattoos. Not thinking straight, I rushed over to them and gave him a good slap across the face.
"This is what you're doing instead of seeing your kids? Hm? You fucking dog!"
"Excuse me, but watch who you're talking to –" The woman tried to keep me quiet, but I wasn't having it.
"Bitch, unless you want me to Bruce Lee kick your ass across this park, I suggest you shut the fuck up." I whisper shouted. And what did she do? Shut the fuck up just like I told her.
"Carmen, I have a son with this woman you're yelling at if you haven't noticed." DeVanté pointed to a little boy with brown hair and blue eyes. I swear the lord himself, that kid doesn't have a lick of DeVanté in him. And DeVanté's genes are strong as fuck. The same kid was conversing with Olivia, or at least trying to. She wasn't giving him the time of day.
"Please, that kid doesn't look a drop like you. You blind? Huh, Stevie?"
"How dare y–" The woman started to say, but I gave her a mean mug before she could finish her sentence.
"Hey, don't talk shit about my son like that."
"Nigga, your actual sons and daughters are over there wondering why you don't love them anymore. You have Donald being the man of the house before he even turns ten. And you even got Diane not giving a single fuck about you, pretending like you never existed up until now. All for a bitch who is making you raise a baby that ain't yours. Wow, have fun with that I guess. But let me tell you this, if you ever try to come running back into my children's lives when this bitch fucks you over, I'll beat your ass." I groaned, finally walking away from them. He's gonna be hurt when he finds out the truth.
"Come on, Olivia, Donald! We're leaving!" I shouted. They ran over to me, and with that, we were all gone.
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July 26, 2001
"Don't I look cute in this?" I asked myself in the mirror. I was currently in a vampire costume to film for my second role in the movie, 'Queen of the Damned'. It was basically about me being the queen of all vampires and me saying fuck all humans. Akasha is the name of my character. She's sexy and suave, so I easily fit into her character if I do say so myself.
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"Cut! That's a wrap for today!" The director shouted. Finally, I was getting tired as hell. Between the release of my new self-titled album, filming for two music videos, this movie, and taking care of kids by myself, it is hectic! I only get four hours of sleep at most.
"Thank you! I get to go home now!" I danced, heading over to the makeup artists to remove my makeup. Tomorrow, it's going to be the same exact thing. Yay...
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"Mom, the phone is for you!" Olivia interrupted my nap because my cell phone rang. As if I wasn't already tired enough.
"Thank you." I croaked, sending her on her way. I lazily held the phone up to my ear and tried my best to talk. "Hello?" I said while yawning.
"Hey, Carmen. It's Gin. Did I interrupt your sleep?"
"No, not at all." I lied. My head is currently pound hard as hell.
"Well firstly, I want to congratulate you on your album. It was amazing!" He shouted a bit too loud. I moved the phone away from my ear so I couldn't get an even worse headache.
"Thank you so much, I really appreciate it."
"You're welcome, babygirl. And I also wanted to know if you'd like to go to lunch on Tuesday? On me." He offered. That doesn't sound too bad. Ginuwine and I are great friends, and he actually know how to treat a woman. I'm not looking for a relationship though, we already had enough rumors of us dating swirling around.
"That sounds great! What time?"
"Around twelve o'clock, where ever you want."
"Oh okay, I'll get back to you on that. See you soon."
"Bye, babygirl." He said. I hung up immediately and threw my phone on the floor. I didn't need any interruptions now, just sleep.
°
"Wake yo' fuck ass up!" A scary ass voice yelled at me. Before I got the chance to get up, the person dragged me and threw me across the wall.
"Fuck!" I yelped, instantly opening my eyes to find DeVanté staring directly into mine. The same eyes that were once a hazel shade, dimmed into a dark red blaze. It was hard to look him in the eyes.
"Your little ass has been testing me lately, making me more angry and shit. I think it's time for a good punishing." He smirked. By the look in his eyes, I know he was not talking about sex. Something, way worse than that I suppose. I aggressively shook my head no, making DeVanté frown. That can't be good. "What do you mean no? You've been disrespecting me, so you need a good beating, that's all." He chuckled.
"N–no! Please, I–I'll do anything you want me to do!" I pleaded. He obviously didn't want to hear a word of it.
"Nah, I'm good. Let's get to the punishing, shall we?" He asked rhetorically. I was in full blown tears already. He pulled me up roughly and took me downstairs. DeVanté then threw me on a wooden chair, and took a wire from his back pocket, which is what he used to tie me up. "Close your fucking eyes, bitch!" He shouted, making me jump and do as he told. A bandana wrapped around my eyes, and a thick strip of duct tape went over my mouth. The only question I have is: Where are our kids?
Unexpectedly, a hard punch went across my jaw, making me wince in pain. Shortly after, a similar one made contact with my face. Hit after hit, tears emitted from my eyes. There was no use screaming, the tape would cover up the noise regardless. Why was he doing this? Did I do something wrong? After a while, the punches went numb, and I had no feeling in my face. So much so, that I blacked out completely.
°
"Always sleeping on somebody. That's your damn problem, fucking passing out and shit." I heard DeVanté say as I slowly woke back up. This time, he had an incredibly sharp looking knife in his hand, ready to cut. I didn't pay him any mind, but gave my attention to the knife instead.
"Now, here's the fun part." DeVanté looked a me with a petrifying smile on his face. Fun? What does he mean by fun? He stood right in front of me, close to my face. All this shit he's doing, and he still found time to smell amazing. DeVanté took the knife and pressed it against my chest. "Say your prayers, babygirl." He gave me one last crooked smile, and smoothly glided the knife across my chest.
"No!–" I screamed.
All of a sudden, I woke up, dripping in sweat. I felt my chest, no cut or anything. I was... fine? It was all a dream, word to B.I.G. I looked at my digital clock on my nightstand, which read that it was exactly four o'clock in the morning. These dreams need to stop, I think I need to see a therapist...
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Back to present
"That's where I come in right?" My therapist smiled.
"Yes, of course." I laughed.
"Now, about those dreams. Did you ever see Mr. DeGrate after that day? Well, besides yesterday of course."
"Yep, that sucka' left me a voicemail one time. Sounding like the little bitch he was..."
August 20, 2001
"Why can't we go, mommy?"
"Because, you're too young to leave the states. Plus, you guys run loose in the city sometimes, nevermind outside of the U.S." I laughed. Today was the day I had to film for my music video, 'Rock the Boat'. I wanted the video to have authentic oceanic vibes, so, the Bahamas was my go-to setting. I didn't want the kids to interrupt anything going on, so I had Rozonda, Tionne, and Lisa baby sit them. Diane didn't have a single problem with it, and neither did Julien. It was the twins who whined to go.
"Alright, Diane, when someone knocks, don't answer it. Check through the peephole first and see if it's your aunties. See you on the twenty fifth, I love you all." I kissed everyone on the forehead and left. Bahamas, here I come!