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SONG FOR THE CHAPTER
❝ Gracious ❞ by Ben Howard
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The night has fallen and the scent of summer rain lingers in the air. The sky is dark blue and fairly cloudy, causing the typically humid weather to become crisp for the evening. I wrap my arms around my body to brace myself from the sudden gust of brisk wind. The group gallivants across the empty roads, their amused laughter echoing through the streets. I smile inwardly at the unfamiliar feeling of being surrounded by new friends.
"Bullshit," says Billy, conversing with Tyler about the dumbest topic I can imagine. It's become quite obvious that they are both bona fide nincompoops.
"Dude, I'm serious! In the United States, the entire month of May was dedicated to Zombie Awareness," he explains, "All I'm saying is that although I might not have been ready for that math exam last semester, I'm certainly ready for the zombie apocalypse."
"You watched the Walking Dead one time and suddenly you're an expert on survival?"
"Okay, here's the plan," he begins, "Lock the doors, board the windows, and surround my entire house with treadmills."
"That actually doesn't sound like a terrible plan," he admits, "But mine is better... During the first wave, I'm prepared to just seek shelter in Costco. They have concrete walls, years of food and supplies, and best of all... the zombies can't get in without a Costco membership card."
"You guys are morons," Valerie rolls her eyes and chuckles snidely, "You probably can't even stand up to a spider crawling through your house."
I shake my head in disbelief and laugh at them under my breath. However, I realize that Casper isn't having nearly as much fun as they are. I glance over at him and frown slightly once I have witnessed his blank expression. There seems to be a hollow cavern in his heart; sadness flickers briefly in his eyes. When Casper notices that I'm staring at him, he quickly feigns a warm smile - but I know that it's not real... I take a deep breath and continue walking, hoping that being entertained by the movie will soothe the tension.
With our feet splashing in the puddles on the sidewalk, we approach the vintage cinema. The retro movie theater is a charming establishment that has been in Seabrooke for decades. Townsfolk have visited the Riverview Theater for new indie films since before I was born. I admire the aesthetic of the scenery. Neon signs illuminate the streets that are glossy from the rainfall. The glowing lights of the lampposts radiate golden hues that reflect against the surface of the water. Inside the movie theater looks warm and inviting.
Casper opens the front door for me and the delicious scent of popcorn wafts from the entrance. I'm surrounded by the smell of overpriced junk food and candy. Once everyone buys their tickets, we immediately stampede towards the concession stand. Tyler scrambles like an overgrown puppy to be first in line, although there isn't much competition considering that the movie theater is quite empty.
While Billy and Tyler argue about who is going to purchase the popcorn, I peek inside the glass at the sugary snacks. I tap my chin thoughtfully and deliberate about which source of high fructose corn syrup I want to ingest into my body tonight. Although it's hard to deny that Twizzlers are a classic movie theatre candy, the large package of Skittles seems very tempting. After deciding on the latter half, I reach into my pocket for some money. However, Casper quickly stops me and smiles.
"What kind of a gentleman would I be if I had my lady pay for her own snacks?"
"A gentleman that respects an independent woman and doesn't tolerate misogynist female stereotypes or sexist gender roles," I retort almost instantly.
"Ah, yes... That is all very well, but I must insist," he gestures towards the cash register with a few dollar bills in his hand, "Please allow me to treat you, fair maiden... May I?"
"No," I declare, "I can pay for my own candy, thank you very much..."
Although he might only be pretending, it's nice to know that we can set aside our problems for a brief moment of normalcy. We always bicker about petty topics; I think that's just become our way of showing affection. I can't express how much it means to me that Casper and I can exchange witty remarks for a few minutes. I smile inwardly, thankful that he has the kindness within him to allow me to experience that.
Eventually, the woman behind the concession stand returns to the counter and greets me, "Hello, how may I help you?" she asks with a wide grin.
"I'd like order some candy, please," I request kindly.
"Of course. Which one would you prefer?"
"Will you grab the-"
"She'll have the Sour Patch Kids," Casper interrupts.
"What? But I don't want-"
"Okay, your total will be $5.27," she announces.
I glare at Casper and crumple the money in my hand. However, the moment I reach forward to place the cash on the counter, he swipes it and then buries it down into his pocket. He smirks mischievously, "You'll have to be quicker than that, Eeyore," he comments playfully.
He pays the concession stand worker with his own money and chuckles under his breath, sounding pleased with himself. He grins smugly and then offers me the candy. I snatch it from his hand and narrow my eyes at the snack that I didn't even ask for.
"Why would you do that?" I snap at him bitterly.
"Because it's funny," he says, "And I wanted to."
"You didn't have to buy this for me," I mention with a resigned sigh. Although I'm annoyed, I have to admit that it was quite the charming gesture. Honestly, I've never had a boy buy something for me before. It's both strange and flattering.
"Maybe not, but I thought it would be special," he explains, "You deserve to become acquainted with a candy that you have so much in common with."
"What do you mean?"
He forms a playful smile and then chuckles to himself, "You remind me of Sour Patch Kids... You're just like the candy - sour, then sweet!" the rascal utters in such a cheeky manner.
"I don't recall ever being sweet," I respond casually, "That doesn't seem like an adjective that describes me very well."
"You must not know yourself very well then... Sure, you have the tendency to be defensive, pessimistic and cynical, but underneath that, is so much more. You also have the ability to become gentle, compassionate, and imaginative when you are in an environment or situation where you feel safe. That's why I think it's so important to be patient with you because then that allows those qualities within you to grow. The amazing part is that your expression of kindness is unique. You have a way of being affectionate through sarcasm - which is both an unfamiliar yet beautiful skill that I have learned to admire about you."
Once I hear that unexpected term of endearment, I find myself blushing. I look down at the floor and nervously tuck my hair behind my ear. There are no possible words to express how I am currently feeling. I become quiet and bashful, the butterflies fluttering in my belly once again. However, I muster the courage to look at him. The eyes that were once dark with disappointment are now sparkling with hope.
"I'm not nearly as extraordinary as you seem to think I am... You must be delusional," I tease wryly, scoffing under my breath.
Casper gazes at me tenderly and sighs, "If only you saw yourself through my eyes..."
Those few words linger in the air like heavy perfume. His gaze is soft yet focused, he stares at me with the most sincere form of admiration. I seem to have lost the ability to react when I'm rendered speechless. My chest becomes heavy and my breathing turns shallow. There is nothing I can utter that would be more meaningful than his gentle smile.
However, his expression melts into faint curiosity. He tilts his head to the side and asks me a simple question, "Would you like me to show you?"
I furrow my eyebrows, "Show me what?"
"If there is even the slightest chance that you feel the same way I do, then allow me to show you just how beautiful you are through my eyes..." he whispers emphatically, "Please, allow me to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I'll never neglect you. Instead, I'll be gentle... I'll speak softly... I'll respect you... I promise that I have good intentions, but you have to trust me."
It slowly dawns upon me that Casper's earnest confession was merely an attempt to change my previous answer. The hope that I saw in his eyes was exactly that - hope for more. He wants to be closer, he wants the truth... But I'm scared.
"Do you trust me?" he questions gently.
I close my eyes and respond weakly, "Please, don't do this..."
"Just answer the question," he implores.
"Casper, you know I can't answer that."
"Why not?"
"Because I just can't."
"I don't understand, Chloe... Your words tell me one thing, but your heart tells me another," he says with his voice nearly broken.
"It's complicated," I explain vaguely.
"That's okay."
"No, it's not."
"I'm not expecting you to know exactly what you want. But I don't think it's too much to ask you just to be honest with me. If you don't feel anything for me then just say so."
"It's not that simple."
"Be honest, do you want me to leave you alone? If not, then why haven't you told me the truth? Until then, I'm not giving up on you. I'll stay right here until the moment you tell me otherwise."
"Casper, I just-"
"Are you two just going to stand there all night? We have a movie to watch!" Tyler interrupts from the distance, stuffing his face with popcorn.
I groan heavily, "Actually-"
"We're coming! Don't get your panties in a bunch," Casper says, cutting me off.
"But what about our conversation?"
"We said everything that needed to be said," he affirms before walking away.
I follow behind him gingerly, watching with narrowed eyes as Valerie locks arms with him and leads him towards the ticket booth. While eavesdropping on their idle chat, I overhear Valerie compliment his muscular arms and then giggle playfully. I snort disdainfully and suppress the urge to stick a fork inside of a power socket.
Billy approaches me with a concerned expression, "Hey, is everything okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," I blatantly lie.
"I know that look... It's boy problems, isn't it? You had that same look on your face when Adam Lewis ditched you on the playground to push Kimberly Gonzales on the swingset," he follows the direction of my eyes and realizes I'm staring at Casper, "Did he hurt you? I'll kill him!"
"No, Billy... I'm afraid that won't be necessary."
"You can talk to me," he insists with a compassionate tone, "I'm here for you."
"Thanks, Doofus," I respond, dismissing the sympathy.
"I'm serious... What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
Billy shakes his head and sighs heavily, "You always do that."
"Do what?"
"Refuse to let anyone get close to you. But I'm not just anyone," he declares, "You shouldn't have to give me the cold shoulder. We were siblings once."
"Shh! Don't say that too loud," I hiss at him.
"You can open up to me, Chloe."
"What if I don't want to?"
"What are you scared of?"
Before I have the chance to respond, Tyler interrupts. I'm beginning to realize he has the worst timing of anyone I've ever met, "What are you two talking about?" he asks eagerly.
"None of your business, Goober," Billy asserts.
"Since when? We tell each other everything!"
"Well, some things are better left untold."
"This isn't fair... Valerie and Casper are prancing around like they're fucking lovebirds. You and Chloe are having a private conversation about god knows what. Then I'm over here like an ostracized loser eating popcorn all by myself," he snorts, "I'm the fifth wheel of the group, which is even worse than the third wheel!"
I roll my eyes and respond with a snide remark, "I'm sorry, but I suck at empathizing with your first world problems."
My internal dialogue is offended by his statement. If only he knew what it was really like to be an ostracized loser. I'm sure that the infamous Tyler West doesn't know anything about eating lunch in the school library to avoid sitting in the cafeteria and being bullied by the other students. The despicable rumor spreading around campus and the disgusting nickname that ensued was the pinnacle of my career. I'm the epitome of the fifth wheel in each and every group setting.
We approach the staff member in the movie theatre that checks our tickets. After he rips the paper in half, he returns the remaining piece with a smile, "You will be in theatre 5. If you walk down the hallway to your left, it will be the second room."
"Thank you," I reply politely.
"Enjoy your movie!"
"You too!"
As I begin walking away, I immediately realize what I had just said. With a muffled groan of agony, I cringe at the embarrassing example of my social awkwardness. Obviously, the ticket taker isn't watching any movies during his job! That response was so stupid that I can hardly fathom how I manage to function in my daily life. It's inevitable that brief yet humiliating encounter will haunt me for the rest of eternity.
I follow the directions down the hallway to my left. The narrow corridor is dark but illuminated by gold and red hues. The glowing neon sign hanging above the door radiates the room with a faint light. The walls are streaked with mellow colors and the atmosphere is warm. I'm soothed by the comforting energy around me and I'm slowly becoming calm again.
When we enter the theatre, Casper and Valerie are waiting for us. The group wiggles down the narrow aisles to find our seats. Billy leans down to my ear and whispers something to me, "Hey, will you move over so that I can have a seat next to Valerie?"
I casually pat him on the shoulder, "Although I'm flattered that you want me to be your wingman, I'm not sure if that's such a good idea..."
"Why not?"
With hesitance, I carefully peer at Casper through the corner of my eye, who is trying to shove his oversized Pepsi into the small cupholder. He exchanges jokes with Tyler and seems to have forgotten about our previous argument. However, I know that if we sit next to each other, the awkward reminder that we argued earlier will pester me for the entire movie.
Billy seems adamant but patiently waits for an explanation. I'm ambivalent with my options. This situation is very one-sided. The choice that I'm being asked to make could create more tension between me and Casper. I know that my social awkwardness has a tendency to strike at the worst moments. If I were to do this act of kindness, it might result badly. The odds aren't in my favor.
Despite my reluctance, I know that Billy is desperate for a chance to pursue Valerie. In other words, it would be a monumental disservice to his ambition if I were to interfere. The fact of the matter is that Billy is a man with a mission and his eyes on the target. Although there is the risk of placing myself in jeopardy, I would be a colossal asshole for tampering with his potential girlfriend.
When I finally decide to bite the bullet, I release a sigh, "Nevermind," I answer while squirming into the other seat, "But take a friendly piece of advice: keep your hands to yourself and don't be a pervert. Typically, girls are annoyed by that."
"Thanks," he replies eagerly, "I owe you one!"
Billy shuffles behind me and sits down next to Valerie. That means that I'm in the aisle seat next to Casper. I glimpse over at Billy, who appears uncomfortable and doesn't know where to put his arms. He looks like an awkward giraffe that's attempting to squeeze himself into a smart car. I endure the second-hand embarrassment when he initiates small talk with Valerie.
Valerie's body language is standoffish. With stiff posture and a bored expression, she yawns. It's obvious that she has no interest in Billy. He seems nervous and in desperate need of encouragement. He clears his throat and looks at me for reassurance. I give him a thumbs up and nod my head in approval.
"So..." he begins carefully, "Um... You look great tonight!"
"Thanks," she replies curtly, texting on her phone to avoid conversation. The faint glow of the screen illuminates the blank expression on her face. Valerie doesn't seem distracted, but just blatantly apathetic.
"You're welcome," he says, his voice slowly fading away with doubt. I think that Billy is insecure and doesn't have any further conversation topics. However, he continues with the most awkward compliment the world has ever witnessed, "Yeah, and umm... Wow! You smell nice."
When the bizarre comment dawns upon her, Valerie slowly cranes her neck forward to look at Billy and furrows her eyebrows with disgust, "Excuse me?" she says, her voice sounds offended but mostly confused.
Billy panics and glances over at me for assistance. The worried look in his eyes appears to beg me for advice on how to redeem himself from the situation. While coming to his rescue, I shake my head frantically and attempt to form a few gestures to send him a silent signal. With urgency, I slash my hand across my throat, indicating that he should quit while he's ahead. I'm hoping that he follows my social cues and recovers from that embarrassing performance.
However, Billy's flirtation skills fail to improve and instead, he digs himself deeper into his grave, "Oh! I mean... Actually, you don't smell nice."
I press my face into my palm and sigh with disappointment. I think it's obvious that Billy isn't a master at the art of seduction. Valerie glares at him, "Fuck you," she exclaims bitterly.
After that fiasco, the conversation fizzles into an uncomfortable silence. Unfortunately, I can hear the muffled snickers erupting from a group of people behind us, mocking his attempt to woo Valerie. I veer around and bark at them, "Hey! Shut up and leave him alone!"
"Mind your business," an older boy says with a leer plastered on his face, "Your friend is quite the ladies man, we're just taking notes."
"Fuck off... before I get unfriendly," I threaten him.
"Ouch! Be careful, bro! I think she bites," his friend urges him with a wicked grin.
"I know, right? It's a shame you're so pretty, but your personality isn't," he tells me, "Maybe Casanova over here can teach you a thing or two about how to appeal to the opposite sex..."
"You can either stop laughing at my friend, or you can spend the rest of your evening picking your teeth up off the floor," I hiss at him, venom dripping from my words.
With that brutal warning, he gulps nervously and slouches down in his seat. I lean over towards Billy and tap him on the shoulder, "Are you okay?" I ask quietly, trying not to draw more attention to us.
He nods but doesn't say anything. I pat him on the back to comfort him. Hopefully, that will reassure Billy that I'll always stand up for him - even when we were kids. Although he's never been bullied as badly as I have, he's been in a few situations where he needed moral support. Billy has a hard time speaking up for himself, often provoking me to defend Billy on his behalf. I've always been his big sister. Even now that we're older, I still feel the need to protect him.
I glance over at Billy and notice the crooked frown upon his lips. Not only does he seem discouraged, but he also seems ashamed of himself for insulting Valerie when he simply had the best intentions. I have sympathy for him. He only wanted to compliment her.
Billy stares blankly into oblivion, most likely with frustrated inner dialogue occurring in his mind. I know that he often berates himself after a social debacle. Billy Barnes is the perfect embodiment of someone who is popular, successful, and accustomed to getting what they want. However, whenever he makes a mistake - no matter how small - he's always been his worst critic.
Even as a child, Billy constantly felt as if he wasn't good enough. It was mind-boggling to me how such a talented, young boy with straight A's in school truly believed he was worthless. Billy was the teacher's pet, the star athlete, and the cutest boy in school simultaneously. However, I think that reputation is what convinced him that he must maintain that status and glory.
Billy put so much pressure on himself to be perfect. One day, during the 4th grade, he wouldn't come home from school because he was afraid to show our foster parent that he got a B+ on his math test. Billy hid inside a stall in the boy's bathroom until the janitor found him. The principal called home and our foster parent sent me to pick him up from school. With the small amount of allowance I had earned, I took Billy to the arcade. We played Wack-A-Mole and I won him a yo-yo from the prize booth in the hopes of cheering him up.
When the two of us were younger, he would confide in me. Although Billy had so many friends, I seemed to be the only person whom he trusted with his secrets. We once found an abandoned tree house in the woods. It was somewhere we could escape from the world and have fun. We could talk openly there and share secrets with each other.
A long time ago, at the treehouse, Billy explained why he thought he was a disappointment to our foster parent. He believed that if he was good enough, maybe our foster parent wouldn't be so mean to him. He believed that if he was good enough, maybe - just maybe - his biological parents would've wanted to keep him. He blamed the abandonment on himself and harbored that guilt for years. I sincerely hope he doesn't still carry that burden.
Now that I'm older, I think that Billy worried so much about making everyone proud, that he didn't notice how miserable he had become. He failed to prioritize his own needs. He neglected to express his own emotions. He was too scared to chase his own dreams. The only person that knew... was me. I wish that he had joined the swim team like he wanted.
When the light slowly dims, the previews start. Tyler distracts Billy with some witty banter and thankfully lightens the mood. I exhale deeply and release the tension that had been weighing down on my chest. However, once my attention diverts from Billy, I realize that I have a bigger problem... I'm still sitting next to Casper.
Is it rude to ignore him? We're sitting in a movie theatre, so I would assume that's a good excuse not to say anything. It's not because I'm angry with him, it's because I think he's angry with me and I don't want to add fuel to the fire. I fidget with my hands and try to avoid making eye contact.
The subtle smile on his face indicates that he's enjoying his heavily buttered popcorn. He offers me some, but I politely deny it. Instead, I carefully open the infamous candy that I had received earlier. The harsh crinkling wrapper seems to be the loudest noise in the completely silent theatre. Once I slowly pry it open, I indulge myself with some Sour Patch Kids and plop one of them into my mouth - relishing in the tangy flavor.
I chew on them lazily, watching trailers for movies that don't seem that interesting. The romance movies with the same pathetic character tropes are cliche. The action movies with the same excessive special effects are outrageous. And the horror movies with the same predictable jumpscares are tedious. I have zero tolerance for the awfully mainstream, blockbuster movies of this generation.
The ironic trailer for an unfunny comedy movie flashes across the screen. The punchlines are tragic and I can't even begin to describe the atrocious performance of the actors. When they explain the subplot, I roll my eyes at the obnoxious dialogue between two Hollywood B-List celebrities with no chemistry.
However, I'm suddenly distracted from the cinematic catastrophe when Casper leans over to me and whispers something in my ear, "Try not to enjoy the previews too much," he mentions sarcastically.
I scoff at him, "Fine, but at least allow me to quote the famous last words of Winston Churchill... I'm so bored with it all..."
"Quite frankly, it both scares and amuses me that you have the ability to find humor within the words someone spoke on their deathbed," he says with a chuckle.
"I'm afraid that I have more comedic value than this movie we're watching."
"You have much more value than that."
"Shh!" someone hisses from behind us, "Be quiet, you hooligans! The movie is starting!"
"You heard the woman," Casper whispers to me, stifling his laughter.
I cover my mouth with my hand and suppress the urge to giggle. When the opening scene of the movie begins, the screen fades from black into a sequence of shots depicting Zombie Island. We're only 5 minutes into the movie and I've already seen 17 zombies be slaughtered during the nauseating carnage that's conducted by a ridiculous vigilante.
Tyler cheers whenever someone's head is butchered, Billy sneers at his childish excitement and Valerie appears as if she'd rather be sleeping on a bed of nails. I think there is a mutual consense that this movie is abysmal. I continue to ridicule the movie and focus on eating my Sour Patch Kids quietly until I notice something peculiar in the seat next to me.
After feigning a rather dramatic yawn, Casper stretches and then slowly attempts to wrap his arm around me. He failed at remaining subtle, and I'm curious if he's merely pretending that gesture wasn't calculated. I'm inches away from resting on his shoulder and his muscular bicep is nearly pressed against my body. With a soft touch, his hand almost caresses my skin.
Suddenly, my heart skips a beat... What should I do?
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AUTHOR'S NOTE
Hello, everyone!
Guess what? I've finally published a new chapter of BBAAW!
Guess what else? I'M OFFICIALLY A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE!!! :D
I graduated from high school yesterday and since I achieved that wonderful accomplishment, I've been writing this chapter to celebrate! I'm very proud of my success in school and it's been such an emotional journey. The trials and tribulations are finally over - for now, at least... However, I'm thrilled to be sharing this with you!
During summer break I'll have more free time to write! I'm so excited for the future! I'm not sure if this book will be completed anytime soon, but there's nothing wrong with wishful thinking. I'm staying positive in regards to the engagement with BBAAW and I'm also remaining optimistic about my career as a writer.
Now that I'm done with high school, I'll most likely be venturing into college. However, I'm hoping that I'll have the ability to focus on what really matters - which is writing. This has always been one of my greatest passions and I want to pursue this dream of eventually being a published author. I'm thankful that you, Chloe, Casper and everyone else is involved in this beautiful experience with me! :)
Today marks not only the new chapter of the book... but the new chapter of my life!
Yours,
Paris
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《 Published May 22nd, 2019 》
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