i DON'T KNOW IF IT'S JUST ME BEING A TWAT but i cried some writing this chapter T__T
Enjoy loves!! :* Thank you for waiting ^_^
The door to McCree's room opened with a creek, and after awkwardly patting the wall closest to the entrance, you finally found the light switch and the darkness that consumed the desolate space dispelled at last. The furniture found inside was minimal, only the essentials positioned here and there: a feature Hanzo approved of greatly. In a small space such as this, one would be forced to be honest with themselves, figure out what they really needed compared to what they only wanted. With the scene that greeted you, you figured that McCree was not a very materialistic man, and though it was a little untidy with the settled layers of dust and some of his garments scattered about, you were confident that it wasn't too much of a daunting task to correct.
You turned over your shoulder, finding Hanzo's hand already perched on top of it. You sighed, a little bit from exhaustion and a little bit from relief, before ultimately heading in and putting down whatever resources you have salvaged beforehand into one corner of the room.
He then came over to you seconds later, kissing you once more, and it only occurred to you then the weight of the promise that he has made to you upstairs on the snowy rooftop. You kissed him back without hesitation, but your hands--oh, they battled against you!
It was as though they could not decide where to put themselves on: Should they pull Hanzo closer by the shoulders again? Push him away by the chest? Caress his face?
Nothing ever seemed to be the right choice, and you could only stand there, completely lost and conflicted at the thoughts racing in your head.
You love him don't you? Well, here it is! Bang the guy.
It's all too soon: We just reconciled--heck we haven't even seen each other for a long time!
So? Do you want to risk it? Lose him again? Come on, step up.
Nothing bad will happen to him, we can trust McCree. And I'm sure Hanzo would understand...he loves me.
Ugh.
The Shimada's broad fingers were inches away from undoing your kimono, already halfway into untying the obi that wrapped around your waist, and you did not even notice!
It was all too much, too heady: your tug of war between mind and heart, Hanzo himself, the lack of sleep, the realization of time ticking down, the difficulty of coming up with a decision--you could not possibly focus on one thing and not regret it later. No one should be thinking in this state!
It was when Hanzo had noticed your sudden quiet that he rose from further undoing your garments and had cupped your face in his coarse hands, bringing it into the light to force you to look at him, to see if there was anything wrong with you.
"Beloved..." his voice was husky, but it was tender--something that further fueled your desire for him. "Are you alright? Did I...do something wrong?"
"I...I'm sorry" you stammered, pathetically trying to wrap up everything that has been silently going on inside you at the moment. "I'm sorry because I do want to do this with you--more than anything else--but at the same time I feel like this is too fast, too soon. I-I mean we've known each other for like ever, but we just got back together and we just reconciled and all, but at the same time we are still healing from our traumas and coming to terms with ourselves, and I know very well that I get my strength when I'm with you, Hanzo. I'm so sorry-I don't know what to do. I want to make you happy, I really do-"
"Koishii, my (Y/N)..." He hushed you, gently pressing his forehead against your own and pecking your nose as he let off a deep chuckle that resonated throughout the tiny dwelling. You were stunned for a moment, and you froze in astonishment. You could only listen as he continued, and all the while you had your hands curled up against each other, close to your heaving chest.
"You mean more than the world to me," he sighed. "I don't know if I am worthy for you to offer me more than what you can. Whatever you choose, I am at your disposal: I will offer myself to you, for you to have me when you want. I just want you happy, beloved...for your happiness is more to me than my safety, than wealth, than the world."
"Hanzo..." His words pierced your heart, a deep warmth that your soul has not felt in a long time, and you couldn't help the tears that ran down your cheeks as he further showered you with his affections. Your heart beat faster, face burning with a deep blush--it was all mesmerizing, and for a moment you did not know whether you should embrace this rush or shun it altogether.
"You don't have to say anything," he said, removing the thick colorful obi you wore, but keeping the thinner one underneath it firmly in place.. "I just wanted you to know the truth, and we can do this some other time, a special time...when you're finally ready.
"You are right, it is too soon, and I have acted like a fool, assuming things to try and justify my desires on the price of your peace of mind; I am...truly sorry. We still have a lot to work out on, and I for one still have to reclaim my honor, pay back all that I have done under the name of my clan. But I just want you to be by my side--that alone is enough for me, and I am certain that this time, I will not fail to be better."
"I promise to be there for you even if you have to step back from what you've always known...even when you have to start all over, at the beginning," you whispered, reaching for one of the bigger hands on your face and nuzzling your cheek into the rough skin of his palm. "Hanzo, you may give me what I want, but you also make certain that you offered me what I need. And for that alone, I do not think my heart can ever pick a better partner, a better lover than you.. I want to see you grow and hopefully with"
"You honor me, (Y/N)...but just so you know, you are right on some parts."
This earned him a look of disbelief from your part.
"You truly may never find anyone better than who you are with now: After all--I am never second best."
"Oh my gosh, stop!" You playfully hit him on the meat of his shoulder. "You keep saying that ever since we were children and here I thought you would have grown out of that by now!" You laughed uncontrollably, and he returned the gesture with a full heart, more than pleased with himse
"We should rest beloved, and lay low while we're at it. We wouldn't want to stir up any suspicions from the other tenants."
"What if they do find us before McCree-san gets back?" you blurted out. "What do we say?"
"I will think of something, but you do not have to worry any further for tonight. Please, you have to regain your vitality once more."
"I will," you promised him. "But...I don't know, it might take me awhile to sleep again. It seems as though my mind will not let me rest that easily after everything that has happened."
"Does something bother you?"
'I...I don't know--that's the thing. I just feel like something is off but I don't know how to pinpoint it even within my self."
"Perhaps you could, uh, watch some television to distract yourself. Hopefully you will fall asleep in half an hour or so."
"You know what, you are absolutely right, let me do just that." You sped to reach for the small remote control and with a clap of your hands, the small flat screen on the wall of the room flickered on, coming to life.
"Let me just stick with noir films," you muttered to yourself as you lowered the volume and surfed through the different channels, oblivious to Hanzo bringing the curtains together behind you.
Your thumbs were rapidly clicking the upper arrow on the remote that you nearly missed a colored channel that broadcasted a glimpse of what seemed to be your old home, the Imperial Palace. You immediately saw your uncle in your mind's eye, and without skipping a beat, you clicked back two times and watched intently as what looked to be an esteemed woman reported some breaking news live on television. Hanzo turned to join you at the sound of his native language being spoken, and together you two witnessed the great distress coming from people as they took turns trying to offer what looked like gifts and flowers to the solders outside the main area of the palace.
"As of the moment, the Emperor of Japan is confirmed to have fallen to terrible illness with doctors diagnosing his condition as something along the lines of heart failure due to the shock brought upon by the sudden death of the late Princess Haruka, who was last seen aboard one of the guest's passenger aircraft when it exploded one week ago due to unknown reasons.
"The full details of the princess' demise and the emperor's declining health are still declared confidential but on a similar note, the Crown Prince is now managing the country in place of his father, along with the Diet and the Prime Minister. They assure the people that they are doing their best to alleviate their beloved Emperor's condition, but only time will tell of what will become of his Majesty. This is Danielle Ross, reporting live from the Imperial Palace in Tokyo, Japan."
Once the news network switched to covering another story on the other part of the world, you lost all interest on the flashing colors on the screen, on the stories being told there, on the various people sharing their pain and distress. Your uncle was suffering from heart failure, but you knew deep inside he was suffering from something much deeper--the regret of losing you the second time, just as your mother had.
Your hands turned colder than ice, and you hunched your back, your knees digging painfully into your chest. Hanzo cautiously approached you, carefully ghosting his hands on each of your pin pricked, tensed shoulders. Who knew that something so sudden as this could possibly crush your heart like so?
You desperately tried to hide from the Shimada's gaze, from your own emotions, from the guilt welling up within you making it difficult to breathe; your long tresses hung like dark curtains on either side of your face, and that at least offered you some reclusion from the prying eyes of your lover, and even a little bit of safety from your own scrutiny.
This is my fault. I made uncle go through this.
You had no right to save the monster you thought Hanzo had become when you were also a monster in your own right, and the chagrin of it all finally forced your eyes to cry a second time that night, but this one was malicious, tearing you from the core of your soul. Each tear drop did nothing to relieve your pain, and the more you cried, the heavier you became; a sack of bricks rested upon your whole body, and it ached all over.
"Uncle is sick," you could only sob as you slumped to the ground on all fours, your elbows only keeping you up for a few seconds before they too fell to the gravity of your remorse. You laid there defeated, a heaping mass of silk and hair, heaving as you took in labored breaths through your clenched teeth. "I did this to him," you repeated over and over, voice cracking to the point that your throat almost hurt. "He was such a sweet old man and I did this to him...!"
"(Y/N), you did not want any of this-"
"I know but that does not excuse me from the fact that it happened!" You tried your hardest not to yell. "Uncle is there, sick and dying! And I don't even know if he will make it through; it kills me to think that I will never have the chance to talk to him again, to share in his wisdom, to partake in his company. I-I can't say good bye if the gods deem his time has come, and I can only pray to them that they forgive me for this!"
You sobbed hysterically, almost ashamed for the fact that you were even surprised with the fate of your uncle, considering how dearly he had treated you before your supposed death. What did you expect? That he would not blame himself? That he will forget about the death of the only thing he has left of his sister?
"(Y/N)...I'm sorry," Hanzo sighed, voice quiet and feeling very much responsible for your plight. "I...I don't know how to comfort you, I don't know if I can make you feel better still."
You sniffed, holding onto the arm that was closest to you. "I don't think I will feel better anytime soon..." you admitted, "but I just need you here, Hanzo."
The man nodded, petting your head gently as to not further deteriorate your fragile state. "You don't have to say anymore. I'm here...no matter how long, even until we have found a way out of this mess. "
Nodding, you leaned against his chest.
"We will have to remain here and trust McCree while we're at it," you said, quickly wiping away any indication of your crying. "And if we have to stay here for a long time, then I have to find some way of repaying him back. I don't expect him to support both of us and him at the same time."
"What do you plan to do? We have nothing to start with and we can't exactly just go around asking people for jobs." Hanzo asked softly, seeing the golden opportunity to distract you from your melancholy.
"I don't know...but surely I will think of something." Your response was an attempt to assure yourself that all was going to go well, that your training under the emperor as his ambassador would pay off to let you be more resourceful an such. You were not going to risk using whatever money you had left in the bank, too risky--and you were not even sure that your card was still among the things spared from the crash. Yes, think about these things instead--put that energy to good use!
No use crying over spilled milk--especially when you can't put it back from whence it came.
"It's almost morning, you should get some rest while you still can," your lover hummed, tucking a long lock of your hair away from your tired face. "You worry me."
You nodded slowly this time, fighting the weight of sleepiness with a sad smile. You and Hanzo will be here when McCree comes back, but while the man has yet to come, surely it would not hurt to do as the Shimada suggested and close your eyes for a few hours...perhaps in the darkness, you can finally say your grievances and your apologies to the man you've already learned to love as you father. The gods will surely find a way to connect you there.
"Thank you for everything, uncle."
And as for the Shimada, he had his own little prayer stirring in his heart, a heart he knew did not deserve to be heard by the gods. But still, he closed his eyes and tried to reach the darkness, hoping that the higher beings he has worshiped for so long will shine their light of mercy on him, no matter how short it may be.
"I am not worthy to seek you, but all I ask is that (Y/N) be happy. She has cried enough, suffered enough...don't let her pay for my mistakes."
Hanzo can only hope that whoever was up there in the heavens heeded his whisper of a call--for your sake. You were a pure soul, unlike him; surely they will take pity on you, they must.
The cool darkness you found yourselves in was a good respite, revitalizing your mind and soul so that you thought more clearly. The disorientation from last night made you a mess, but as soon as you opened your eyes with the morning, you nearly forgot about the events that took place, or better yet the extreme roller coaster ride that tossed your emotions from one extreme to the other.
To your pleasant surprise, you found that the cowboy still has not returned some four hours later and a small part of you began to worry as the first of the pale sun rays began to creep in through the spaces between the curtains, shining on Hanzo's sharp, angular features.
The man woke up soon after, and he greeted you with a kiss on the forehead and a smile before he helped you both up and stretched to properly start this day.
"Ohayou," he whispered, dipping down to place an affectionate kiss on your jaw.
His stubble tickled the skin there, and you giggled, greeting him a good morning as well.
"I'm going to clean up the space." Hanzo grunted from behind you as he walked out and opened a cabinet near the kitchen, presumably in search for a broom or a rag or a bucket. "How long did he say he left the place? Two months?"
"I believe so," you chuckled at the look of dissatisfaction that shaped his drowsy features. "I'll try to see if there's something I can cook for both of us."
"You think the cowman stocks?"
"He works in a military setting." You shrugged. "He's bound to have something stored in here; if we're lucky we can find a first aid kit or you know...something."
Considering that Hanzo was still occupying the small kitchen, you figured you could spread out and make the search for useful things faster by looking inside the cabinets situated in the living room instead. You tried the bottom of the coffee table: not much, just a bunch of scratch paper and old documents dating back to 5 years ago. A few more drawers were inspected here and there and you ended up with more stuff: spare towels, some big socks, a few shirts, a bar of soap, half a toothbrush, and a shoe shiner for some reason--very nice things, but at the end of the day, not quite sufficient enough for both of you.
It was not until you pulled open the last compartment for a small drawer next to the TV stand that you found yourself getting much more curious and interested. Sure it was another pile of documents, almost carbon copies of the ones you've found under the coffee table. But there was something about them that caught your eye, and in no time, you found yourself checking out these papers word for word, the gears in your head turning at full speed as they shifted towards a great idea.
I can use this to my advantage.
Meanwhile Hanzo found more stuff in the kitchen where he scouted, and sure enough, in his search for cleaning equipment the Shimada ended up with 3 cans of soup, one can of corn, and three eggs. There were some left over condiments at the back most part of the upper kitchen cabinets but that was almost a given.
You two set up to work, and in about an hour or so the apartment was put back into its tip top condition with the general cleaning Hanzo had done to the place. In doing so, he even found a tinier room that can be accessed by the wall adjacent to the bathroom near the kitchen, and sure enough he found a steel bunk bed in it with one window for ventilation.
"We should have slept there," he muttered. "The floor made my back hurt."
"Well McCree-san did promise us bunk beds, so I guess we can use that tonight." You smiled, putting a bowl of soup over onto the small coffee table in the living room so that you and he can finally start breakfast. Your lover brought over spoons and two bowls for yourselves, and after saying a prayer of thanks, you finally ate your humble meals in peace.
"I hopes he comes back soon, I have something to tell him."
No sooner had the words left your mouth when three robust knocks shook the steady atmosphere that surrounded the place and your eyes shifted over to the wooden door by the entrance, watching as it swung open to reveal no other than McCree, carrying bags of supplies in both arms, still garbed in the outfit he wore the night before.
"McCree-san!" you exclaimed, beaming with relief as you rushed to help the man. "I was worried something happened to you. Come, I've made breakfast for all of us."
"Gee, thanks doll, but I've already had coffee back at the base, I'm good." He chuckled and let you have a hand in carrying some of the things he has gotten. "I'm sorry I took too long to get back, but Reyes over there had to interrogate some folks and they needed me there. But I see you've settled in, and the place feels kinda different too."
You smiled as you placed some of the bags on the table. "We cleaned the place and put it in order while you were gone, as a little something of payment. It's small compared to what you've done for us but it's only a start."
"Hon, you didn't have to do all that."
"I must McCree-san," you said, firm as ever in your resolve. "Throughout my life, I've had to work for everything I ever had. I'm not going to rely fully on you when I know that you also have to support yourself. I just can't stand taking advantage of you like that, Jesse..." you trailed off, eyes drifting to the bleak bottom compartment of the drawer standing next to the TV stand. "Which is why I have decided that I should be writing your reports from now on."
"Wait, what?" The man was dumbfounded. "You saw my papers? The ones from Blackwatch."
"Well they're not really hidden," you answered, referring to the documents under the coffee table. "Also I just couldn't help but notice a lot of errors in your works. If I'm not mistaken, you literally wrote "Drug Raid. Shot the leader. Leader is arrested. We won." and passed that as a completed record."
"I mean I just don't get why old man Reyes has me doin' these things." He threw his arms up in annoyance. "Like, what is there to write about? That's literally what happened! and then Gabe over there chewing off my ass because it's too short and vague or not complete enough or I write like a kindergarten pupil."
"Well maybe you don't have to write these reports," you began. "I could write these for you, and it will be a win-win situation: you will redeem yourself in the eyes of whoever this Reyes is and I will not feel like a free loader. I've already had enough practice being one of the emperor's ambassadors so it will be easier for me. It's perfect!"
"Except for one thing," Jesse interjected. "These are classified information you're gonna jot down. I can't just let you or anybody write these things!"
"McCree-san, I promise to not pay attention to the details, I'll just be there to write about them. Besides, what use do I have for them anyway? Me and Hanzo are hiding here so it's impossible to rat this out to anybody else but you."
Your argument got McCree reconsidering, judging from the hand that he suddenly brought up to his chin, stroking his short brown beard in contemplation. "I mean," he began, taking his hat off his head and tossing it carelessly onto the sofa, "You seem to have thought this through, and technically your man over there is black listed everywhere so I doubt you can really sell any of this information to anybody...plus you don't seem to be the sort to do that, right doll?"
"(Y/N) is not one to do that," Hanzo said sternly and rose from the floor. "But I am. I've been in the lucrative business for many years, and being their heir I know how this world moves about, their ins and outs, their strategies. The Shimadas are the associates of every succesful mafia group out there, and more often the not, the reason for their downfall should they betray us."
He advanced towards McCree as he talked, until the two were only a feet apart, and you were just standing on the side, watching anxiously at how this would unfold. Sure, Hanzo's criminal days were no secret to you or Jesse but why is he confessing all of a sudden?
"But never it be said that I am one without principles," he sighed and glanced over to you. "You saved our lives and offered us a place to live in secret: for that, it is only right that I must offer you some sort of payment just as (Y/N) has chosen to do, and I know that this is one you and your team will find valuable.
"I am willing to tell you everything I know about the clan and our associates, on the condition that you keep my beloved safe here."
McCree let out a high whistle as his eyes went wide. "A list of all your associates? Whew--that's like a treasure trove not only to Reyes but to Overwatch as a whole. Morrison'll be shitting his pants once he gets a load of this."
"So what about it cowman?" Hanzo grunted and offered a hand out, just as he had seen his father do many times to their newfound allies and partners.
But this one will weave good, no longer bad blood.
This was to keep you safe after all.
"Well, you two--I guess it's settled then." Jesse laughed as he slapped his own palm against Hanzo's. "Y'all hired or somethin'."
They shook on it, solidifying the promises made to one another, and you could only smile as you saw the traces of Hanzo's genuine change of heart.
It will take a while...but Hanzo will reach his goal someday.
And you will never tire of being with him in every step of the way...ever.
Sup my peeps?!!??! UwU
HOW's Y'ALL DOIN??? XD HAVE A GREAT DAY Y'ALL!!