Almost as soon as Kora's cries sounded through the room, tears poured from my eyes. It was already hard trying not to cry in the first place considering how hard it was to watch Falyn in so much pain. Seeing her cry wasn't easy on me.
I couldn't help but feel slightly guilty at the fact that the reason she was in so much pain was 50% my fault. She was handling everything so well and I was beyond proud of her. I know she got to a point where she wanted to just quit, but she didn't and that's why she was so incredible.
As the doctors lay Kora onto Falyn's chest, I couldn't contain how emotional I was.
She was perfect.
Falyn struggled to catch her breath as Dr. Carroll lay Kora onto her chest. Falyn rested her hand on Kora's back as she looked down at her. She gently touched her nose and I could tell she was in shock.
Dr.Carroll left Kora for a few minutes and then I had to cut the umbilical cord which was very emotional for some reason. Once they took Kora to finish cleaning her and making sure she was healthy, Falyn had to deliver the placenta.
"You did perfect," I said pushing her from her face.
Once the placenta was out, we were both focused on our little Kora across the room who was still crying and crying and time seemed to be moving so slowly.
I didn't even notice something was wrong with Falyn until the machines around her started beeping rapidly. When I looked at her, her eyes shuttered shut and her head fell back into the pillow.
I cupped her cheeks entering panic mode, "Falyn, wake up."
The nurses pushed me out of the way and more rushed into the room gathering around Falyn. The machines were continuously beeping and I couldn't even focus on what was being said because of the amount of chatter that was being exchanged between them.
"What's happening?" I asked, my voice cracking.
Falyn had gone pale and had immense amounts of sweat falling from her skin. The oxygen mask over her face didn't help the situation. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was gonna pass out from how dizzy I had gotten.
"Someone get him out of here," I heard Dr. Carroll say.
"Are you insane? I'm not leaving her." I yelled.
They paid me little to no attention after that. My heart rate only increased from there as they struggled with whatever they were doing. I felt useless. I couldn't do anything.
Then my world came crashing down all at once.
The continuous beep signaling a flat line echoed through the room and I literally fell to my knees as I heard it.
f a l y n
I sat up from the hospital bed, looking around. Everything was empty and dark.
Kora wasn't here. Shawn wasn't here. Not a single nurse or doctor was in sight.
I stood up and looked down to see I was still in the horrendous hospital gown. I left the room and walked down the dark hallway. I had no idea where I was going, nor did I care. I just wanted to see someone walking around.
I stopped when I saw my reflection in a window. I was pale, had the ugliest bags under my eyes and I looked... super skinny. Through my reflection I realized I was looking at a nursery. It was filled with little newborn babies in the cribs.
I searched for Kora but she was no where to be seen.
Where was Shawn?
"Falyn, I've been waiting to meet you." I turned my heart, my heartbeat jumping out of my chest at the sound of another voice.
"Do I know you?" I asked.
"I'm Samara. Your big sister." She said.
As if I could hide the confusion on my face, "I'm... lost." I went to turn and walk away but she grabbed my wrist.
"You're dead." She said to me.
"I-"
"Listen.. you have to get out of here. Kora needs you." She said to me, her eyes glancing to the little newborn babies in the nursery.
"You sound insane." I pulled my arm from her grip, backing away.
"Mom had a miscarriage. Samara Imogen Cavelli-Avello. Sound familiar? That makes me... 25? Not the point. You gotta go. Shawn can't do this alone." This girl said. I did resemble her a little and she looked so much like my dad it was scary.
"How did this happen?" I ran my hands through my hair releasing a shaky breath.
"They call it a postpartum hemorrhage. You lost too much blood too quickly so you flat lined." She said.
"Oh my god." I turned my head looking into the nursery, "Are those..?"
"Babies that didn't make it? Yeah."
I made my way into the nursery looking at each of them. I couldn't stop the tears from falling from my eyes. Samara came behind me and hugged me tightly.
I looked up at her and she put her hands on my shoulders, "You have to leave." She said sternly.
"What about you?"
"I've been here for 25 years, I'm fine." She cupped my cheeks.
"How do I do this?" I asked.
"You have to want it."
"Samara-" I started.
"I'm always with you."
Shawn can't do this alone. He needs me. Kora needs me. I can't leave them.
s h a w n
The longest 3 minutes of my life painfully dragged on and I felt like my chest was caving in. I was struggling to catch my breath.
"Heartbeat." Dr. Carroll said followed by the sound of a steady and slow beep.
Air finally for what felt like the first time in forever filled my lungs as I got up from the ground and made my way though the nurses to take Falyn's hand.
The nurses were still crowded around her for at least another 10 minutes until they felt safe to leave.
"She's won't wake up for a few more hours." Dr. Carroll said to me. "Here, sit." I did as she told me, "You have a very important job to fulfill."
One of the nurses handed Kora to Dr. Carroll and she smiled down at her. "We're still in what's called the golden hour where skin on skin contact is dire for your baby girl. Usually its a job for mom, but you've got shoes to fill in."
After Dr. Carroll explaining to me more of what it was and that it literally would form some type of chemical bond between Kora and I, I didn't know if I could.
Parenting was so scary. I was so ready to meet Kora, but now that she was here, I was so... scared of her for some reason.
It took Dr.Carroll some time to convince me before I finally took my shirt off. She unwrapped Kora and very carefully rested her on my chest. Almost instantly she stopped crying and it was the greatest feeling in the world.
Dr.Carroll rested the blanket over Kora and I held her against my skin. Dr.Carroll left the room after saying she'd go inform our family on everything that had happened.
I couldn't describe what this felt like. Realizing that I was now a dad to the most perfect baby girl in the world. I looked down at Kora who was already staring up at me.
"Hi, honey" I said softly, "I'm your dad." My voice cracked and I could feel tears roll down my cheeks.
I brushed my finger across her cheek, staring down at her. I couldn't believe I helped create this beautiful piece of life. I just couldn't stop staring at her. She was perfect.
I rocked back and forth in the chair, holding Kora against my skin.
I almost didn't know what to do until I started singing softly before I could even stop myself. When I finished, she was sleeping but I still decided to talk to her. I wonder if she recognized my voice from when she was still in Falyn. Dr.Carroll said she would, but I was still curious.
"I wrote that song with your mommy on the night we met. It wasn't supposed to be about her, but it ended up being about her." I laughed lightly, tracing my fingers on Kora's small back. "Yeah, your mommy is pretty cool. You're gonna love her. Never as much as we love you, though."
That's when I realized what I said was true.
I don't think I could ever love anyone more than I loved Kora.
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