BY THE TIME WE get to JFK, Tessa is a mess.
After what happened between us last night, with the news of Andy coming through this morning, I'm not surprised she's shutting down.
Even I'm close to it.
The amount Andy has done for me, being a father figure he was, even through my self-imposed exile, I can't imagine a world without him. A world without Matt has been dark enough. I don't think any of us would be able to come back from losing him as well.
I was determined that he was okay though. Melanie had assured me he had only been in for tests, and although he had initially collapsed, he was talking a few minutes later and is very much conscious now. I keep reiterating that, both for Tessa and myself, and it's that that's keeping me going.
Holding her hand all the way from home to the airport, we got to JFK in record time. I didn't care about speeding tickets, I just wanted to get there.
The private flight check in desk at JFK is slightly different to normal. There isn't really much security, other than a brief body scan, as well as the normal passport control. When we arrived, despite Lisa saying it would be ready to take off at three, we're told we can board within forty-five minutes, so we just sit and wait.
Tessa hasn't really said much. I know what she's doing - she's shutting off her emotions so she doesn't cry - but I make sure to give her hand a reassuring squeeze, reminding her that I'm still here.
I've been doing all the talking, not wanting her to worry about anything, but as a flight attendant tells us we can board in ten minutes, she wakes up a bit.
I see her head turn towards me in the corner of my eye, and her arm reach out before he fingers touch the side of my cheek.
"I'm very impressed with you, you know," she tells me, turning slightly so she can get a better look at me.
I turn to face her as well. "Yeah?"
She nods. "Yeah. You taking charge. Very business-like." She studies me a bit further before giving me the most beautiful smile I've seen all day. "You're enjoying it, aren't you?"
I was worried she would judge me for it, that she'd hold it against me for continuing on with what my dad had built, but this whole time there hasn't been any judgement, only pride.
"I am actually," I grin. "I never wanted to believe I would, but I am."
The smile she has is better than her being sad, but it's still not touching her eyes. I want so badly want to have the happy woman I had in my arms yesterday. I'd give anything to have her laughing in my ear again.
"And you did what you always dreamed," she whispers, so quietly I almost didn't hear her.
I frown. "What?"
She shakes her head. "It's nothing." Her cheeks are reddening, and I'm wondering if she'd meant for me to hear. She tries to turn away from me but I gently cup my fingers around her chin and turn her head back to me.
"Tess?" I ask again.
She sighs. "It's stupid. You'll think I'm ridiculous."
"Tess, I could never think that."
I drop my hand from her chin and take her hands, letting her tell me in her own time. She looks up before she sighs, resigned, squeezing my hands and playing with my fingers.
"It was something you said to me when we were maybe twelve or thirteen. You said that, if you ever had a say in the company, that you would use the money it makes to help people. And you have. You've helped thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of people." She looks me in the eye as she adds, "Not just one."
My jaw opens and closes a couple of times before a smile spreads across my face.
"I can't believe you remember that."
It was shortly after Dad had merged with a Japanese tech company in Tokyo, and he had announced at the dinner table that he had bought two condos there. An argument later ensued where Mum accused him of being selfish with his money, only thinking of himself, whereas Dad argued that he was buying them to save a fortune on hotels. I had quietly excused us from the table, not that they noticed, and when Tessa asked me what I would have done, I told her... I told her about my plan to use what resources WEH had to help people, not just one person.
"I remember a lot of things," she says quietly, stroking a loose bit of fringe back into place, her fingers grazing the almost-invisible scar just under my eyebrow.
To ease the tension I can feel building between us, she shifts and looks out the window. "I've never flown on a private jet before."
I follow her gaze as I tell her I hadn't either.
She frowns. "You haven't?"
"Nope. I nearly did."
When I came back nearly three years ago to tie up loose ends with the Epping house, I was due to take it back when I flew back to New York for Fall semester. But when I nearly bumped into her at the cemetery, I booked the next flight from Heathrow and flew home nearly a fortnight earlier.
"Nearly?"
I nod. "Couple of years back. I ended up leaving a couple of weeks earlier than planned... after I, erm-"
"Because you were at the cemetery?"
Her answer knocks the wind out of me.
"You knew?"
She nods, but only slightly. "Of course I knew."
I hadn't been sure if she'd seen me that day, but now I know she had, shame rips through me. She must have thought so little of me. She must have thought I'd been such a coward for not facing her that day. For not swallowing my goddamn pride and just being there for her, like I'd always said I would be.
She must be able to hear my inner thoughts, because she takes my hand and gives it another squeeze.
"Archie, I'm not mad."
Even though her eyes are sad, I know she means it.
"Believe me, I know grief affects people differently, and you were dealing with stuff in your own way. So I was never mad. I might have been a bit peeved at the time, but when I took a step back, I knew I wasn't mad. How could I be mad at you for paying your respects to Matty?"
It's the most I've heard her say all day, and the words absolutely floor me. Again. I wouldn't have held it against her if she was mad, and I don't blame her for being mad at the time, even if she said she hadn't been. I'd been mad at myself when I got back, in a bad mood for months. Ollie finally had enough and let me have it in the end and I let it go as much as I could. But yet again, it proves how incredible she is, and how much stronger she is than me, and for that, I lean down and kiss her soundly.
When she pulls away, her eyes have a touch of a smile.
"What was that for?"
I touch my forehead to hers for a moment before I tell her. "Just for being you."I kiss her once more before I continue. "You're incredible, you know that?"
Her face falls as she looks away from me, down at her hands which are now fiddling with the bottom of her hoodie.It saddens me that she doesn't see how incredible she really is.
"I'm not. I'm not strong. Not like you."Her voice breaks on the last word, a tear dropping onto her hand.
"Baby, you are strong." Her head pricks up slightly, but she doesn't respond any further so I continue. "You're the strongest person I've ever known."
The two of us together have both been through our fair share of pain, but I know Tessa has always been the one to help pick me up off rock bottom. It's her that made the first step to see me, to talk to me. It's her who faced her fears first, head on, inspiring me to do the same. But Tessa's pain was worse. Right when she was at rock bottom, when I should have helped pick her up, I shoved her down lower. I broke her, I know I did, and I didn't need Millie to remind me that I did, but the fact she came back swinging, finding someone despite how much I hurt her, she really is the strongest person I've ever known.
"I'm not Archie," she sobs. "I'm so scared. I'm scared all the time. I h-hide all the time."
It's my turn to frown. "Hide?"
She nods and wipes her cheek. "I haven't been as strong as everyone thinks I am. No one thinks I'm strong anyway."
"Tess, you are."
She shakes her head again. "I'm not. I haven't been for a long time." She wipes at her cheeks, but as she looks up at me, the smile in her eyes grows and her green eyes shine brighter than I'd ever seen them, even through the tears. "I haven't been the same since you left."
I didn't want her to dwell on this now. This is upsetting her, and she's upset enough. I try to stop her, but she shakes her head, adamant for me to let her finish.
"The first day I met you, a light clicked on."
My mouth opens in surprise, but I let her continue as she puts her hand up to stop me. She needed to get this out just as much as I needed to hear it.
"I hadn't realised I was in the dark until I saw you. All nervous and close to tears. But I think I loved you, even then. And then later. When you told me you loved me that first time, I'd never felt so light. The light was winning against the darkness." She wipes her nose again. "But when you left... that darkness was all I could see. It's all I've seen for such a long time."
She stops as she shuffles closer to me before she decides to climb into my lap. I wrap my arms around her, wanting to find a way to show her that she no longer has to be afraid of the darkness. That she no longer has to be alone.
"I've been pretending with Jamie. I know that now. I know that because these last few weeks with you have been brighter than all of those three years with him. I don't love him the way I love you. The way I've always loved you." She sits up and caresses my cheek. "I'll never love anyone like I love you."
"Tess..."
"I can't lose you again, Archie." She cuts me off. "I've spent three years trying to do as you asked me to, trying to move on, only I never realised I didn't until I saw you in the airport. The light came bursting back through me because you are the light, Archie. You're my light. You always have been, and I've been hiding how I truly feel for years because... well because I was ashamed." She shuffles closer but I let her continue. "I was ashamed to say you were in my dreams, and my thoughts and my actions. You were in my head because I've never been ready to let you go." She turns slightly and touches a hand to my cheek, wiping at the tear that's made it's way down it. "I don't hide with you."
I hug her closer to me before I kiss her again, kissing her hard enough to taste the salt on her lips from her tears. Those words have made me feel more alive than I ever have been.
Hearing those words, hearing that she still loves me, and that she never wants to let me go, my whole body fills with relief.
"I've been more alive these last four weeks with you than I have been these last three years, and I just want to say..." she kisses me once more. "I want to say that I love you, Archie Wall." She turns and puts her leg over mine so that she's straddling me, her fingers scratching into the bottom of my hair. "I don't want to spend another day, another hour, another minute pretending anymore..."
She has no idea how long I had been waiting for her to say those three little words again. She has no idea how long I had been wanting to hear them, but hearing them now, in this situation, something suddenly doesn't feel quite right.
She's emotional, and as much as I wanted to hear all of the things she's saying, she's making irrational decisions when she's not in the right frame of mind to. Despite the cloud nine feeling I'm currently experiencing, I know the fallout will be a lot worse.
"Tess..." I manage to stop her but placing my forehead gently against hers. "Tess, wait. Just think about this for a second."
She frowns but allows me to go on. I know these words may hurt her but I had to say them, because if I didn't then I'd feel awful about them later.
I needed her to have a clear mind when making this decision. Neither of us would be able to live with ourselves if we weren't truly honest and open. I've lived these last few years wanting to get back to that, to get back to her, and now that she's here, in my arms, I'm not throwing away my chance to finally do the right thing, no matter how much it hurts.
"Tess, you know how much I want this, but I can't ask you to make this decision. Not now... not with what's just happened."
Tears are building in her eyes again, but I push on with what I want to say, still holding her close.
"I don't want you to throw away the three years you've had without me with a split decision. You've made a life for yourself, you have Jamie, you're engaged. I can't ask you to push that all away for me. I don't-"
"I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. I want this," she tells me, cutting me off. There is an edge of insecurity in her voice now, and I know I've done the right thing.
"Archie please don't do this. Not again."Her voice breaks and it breaks my heart into tiny pieces.
I wipe her cheek as a tear escapes, and place my forehead against hers. "I have to. " I kiss her forehead. "As much I want to hear it all, as much as I want it... you know it's not the right time to be making this decision."
"What are you... t-trying to say?" She asks.
"I'm not saying anything. I'm just-" I take a breath and shake my head. How do I put this into words without hurting her beyond reparation.
"I'm telling you to wait before you make a decision." I look into her brimming green eyes. "I want you to mean it. I don't want you to say it and then regret it later, Tess. And if we do it now, if you break things off with Jamie, I know you say you won't but you will. You'll regret it." I try to soften my voice to prevent further tears, but no matter how I say I knew there would be some, even from me. "And you'll hate me, and I couldn't bear that."
She looks at me for a moment, studying my face as a tear rolls down my cheek, tasting it's saltiness in the corner of my mouth. But when she sighs shakily and nods, a very small, imperceptible nod, I know she's heard me.
"Tess, you know how much I want you to say it... because it's just as much as I want you to say it. But I need you to mean it... for both our sakes."
I sniff as she nods again before enveloping me in a hug.
"You know I love you, Tess. I always have and I always will, but if Jamie is who you want in the end-" She puts a hand over my mouth to stop me, and I'm relieved when she does. As much as she needed to hear them, I didn't want to say them. But I had to. I take her hand gently in mine before I rest my forehead against hers again, taking a deep breath before saying it out loud. "I will let you go... if you want me to."
She doesn't say anything else. She just looks at me, stroking her thumbs over my cheeks before kissing me gently. I kiss her back, but after a few seconds I sense someone coming up towards us, so I force myself to pull away.
It's Anna, our hostess, and she's smiling at us, although it's a more reserved smile, not batting an eyelid at the fact Tessa is still straddling my lap.
"Hey Anna," I greet her and she nods at me. "You ready for us?"
"We are ready when you are, Archie. Have you got any bags I can help with?" She asks as Tessa clambers off my lap.
"We do, but I've got them, don't worry." I wipe my eyes and she nods again. "After you." I gesture in front of me for Anna to lead and take Tessa's hand after slinging my bag over my shoulder. Tessa rolls her bag behind her, both not wanting to let the other go quite yet.
As we walk across the tarmac, I watch as she shuts down, and I hate myself again, knowing it was my stupid big mouth that has made her feel like this.
Before climbing the stairs, Anna takes our bags and they're put below. Tessa heads up before me and takes a seat on the left, looking out of the window. I take the seat diagonally opposite to her, wanting to give her the space she needs.
I stare directly ahead before closing my eyes, trying to block the world out, but after a few minutes, I sense a shadow over me. I open my eyes to find Tessa now standing in front of me.
"I don't want to spend the last few hours we have not talking."
I shake my head. "I don't either."
She holds out her hand and I take it, pulling her down gently into the seat next to me.
"I understand what you said, Arch. And I get it. But it doesn't mean we have to stop talking." She sniffs. "You cut me off once before... I'm not letting you do it again."
I smile after a few seconds, squeezing her hand tightly, leaning forward to kiss the side of her head. "Come here."
She takes less than a second to curl into my lap, and that's how we stayed the whole flight. She fell asleep in my arms, so I did all I could do. I held her and told her that everything would be alright. I had to be.
Even if she didn't choose me, the fact she is now back in my life meant I was no longer alone. I'm a different person compared to who I was four years ago, and I feel like this time apart has changed us both for the better. The fact I knew that she understood, that she had forgiven me, made me feel content in our friendship going forward.
As we prepare to land, the fasten seatbelt sign comes on, not that we had moved, I feel Tessa stir on my lap. I had managed to fall asleep too, and Anna had covered us in a blanket. When I look at her properly, Tessa has tucked the blanket underneath her chin, so she's all snuggled in.
As she looks back at me, her green eyes are still red and swollen from crying, but she looks just as beautiful as she always does.
"You know you're not going to lose me," I tell her quietly after we've extricated ourselves from the blanket before she snuggles back down. "I'm not going anywhere this time."
It takes her a few seconds, but I feel her nod against my chest.
"Good." It's the only thing she says, but she doesn't need to say anything else.
No matter what happens next, I'm not going anywhere. For as long as she needs me, however she needs me, I'm not going anywhere.