Sammy's perspective.
What the actual fuck? Pushing the door closed as quietly as I can in an attempt not to draw attention to myself, I step back into the bathroom a little dazed and very confused and try to resist the temptation to kick something, hard.
Seriously? After everything that Maddie and I have been through since she first joined the tour, THIS is how she treats me? By hiding something so fucking momentous from me for god knows how long? The way she was looking at him, this isn't just some sex thing, he means something to her, and she to him. He was holding her like he never wanted to let her go, and she was looking at him like her whole world begins and ends with him. Why would she keep something so important from me?
When did it even start? I wonder, beginning to pace up and down in front of the cubicles in frustration. Recently? No, not recently, Harry mentioned Australia.. so I guess it's got to have been going on since then? That at least explains his behaviour that night in Brazil, I thought he was just being overly friendly after a few too many beers, and then, when Maddie went missing, and he went off and gave Novak what for and then insisted on coming with me to look for her, I figured he was just being a good guy, wanting to make sure that she was ok because he knew what that cocksucker had done to her in London. I told myself that he'd do the same if it had been me or any of the other girls on the team that had suddenly gone missing in the middle of the night alone in a strange country regardless of the situation, but clearly not.
Why the hell wouldn't she tell me? I'd have been over the fucking moon for them! I've been by her side through EVERYTHING! Through both the incidents with Novak... fuck after the last one she sent Harry away! It was me that sat up all night with her, cleaning up her wounds and holding her whilst she cried. Then after Freddie... We spent days, literal days locked up together in our hotel rooms whilst I poured my broken heart out to her, told her things I had barely been able to admit to myself, let alone been able to say out loud, but she couldn't be bothered to tell me that she's shagging the fucking boss? What the fuck Maddie!
This really is the perfect fucking end to a shitty fucking couple of weeks. First, the man I love confesses he's cheated on me, then he packs up and leaves the tour, no doubt running off to his ex, without so much as a bloody text message to say goodbye, and now I find out that my best friend has been keeping something from me for weeks. Is it me? Does everyone just not care enough about me to bother to be honest and upfront with me? Or am I just a complete twat, trusting people who don't deserve it?
Fuck this. I think to myself as I turn to look in the row of mirrors above the sink. I'm not gonna be made a fool out of any more. I take a second to adjust my ponytail and wash my sweaty hands before I turn and head out of the bathroom in search of my so-called best friend.
"There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you!" Maddie says with a smile when I finally catch up with her in the makeshift cafeteria that's been set up in one of the many outbuildings behind the main stage.
"Really? Funny that. Last time I saw you I don't think you'd have been able to pick me out of a lineup." I say callously, raising an eyebrow at her.
"Erm, huh? What are you talking about?" She asks me and actually has the audacity to look confused.
"Don't play dumb with me Mads. I fucking saw you, ok? I saw you with him!" I stage-whisper, purposefully not saying his name. I know I need to keep my voice down, a few heads have already turned in our direction, but I can't seem to find the energy to give a shit right now. I watch as her face falls, all the colour draining out of it until she looks like she's just seen a ghost.
"I... I was going to tell you so many times!... I ... Can we maybe go somewhere else to talk about this?" She asks suddenly, her eyes darting around us, taking in the rest of the crew who are now openly listening in to our conversation.
"Oh, so NOW you want to talk to me?" I bite back through gritted teeth as Maddie pushes her chair back and grabs hold of my hand.
"Not here, Sammy, please. I'll explain everything I promise," she says pleadingly and starts to try and drag me towards the cafeteria door. I don't bother trying to protest, to be honest, I want to hear what excuses she is going to try and come up with to explain why she's lied to me for so long, so I move along behind her willingly enough. "Sorry folks! Shows over!" I call back over my shoulder to the gawking crew members, a couple of which have the decency to at least look abashed at their behaviour, I catch Clark's eye as we turn out of the doors, half out of his chair, clearly wondering whether or not he should follow us. I shake my head in his direction, this is a conversation that Maddie and I need to have alone.
She leads me out of the building, down a small flight of steps and over to the far side of the backstage area, where we're definitely not at risk of being overheard, I can barely hear myself think as the huge speakers on either side of the stage blare out Harry's voice as he happily sings away to Carolina, typically one of my favourites of his, but right now I am not in the mood for the upbeat track. When Maddie finally comes to a stop, I follow suit a few feet away from her and immediately cross my arms over my chest and adopt a protective stance.
"How long?" Is all I can manage to say after a couple of moments of silence.
"Since Melbourne." She admits looking at the ground and fiddling with the rings on her fingers, she can't even meet my eyes for fuck's sake.
"And at no point over the last what, seven weeks? Did you think to bother to tell me that you're sleeping with Harry?" I snap at her, getting more frustrated by the moment, why bother to drag me out here if she's just going to stand there staring at the ground barely speaking?
"Of course, I did! I wanted to tell you! But things kept getting in the way! At first, I didn't even know what it was between him and me, and I guess I didn't want to say anything to anyone in case it turned out to be nothing, and then we had our week off after the Asian leg and, and I knew then," She stutters over her words. "I knew that I was more than just another notch on his bedpost and I wanted to tell you, but I was so scared, Sammy! I've never even had a proper boyfriend before and there I was dating Harry bloody Styles! I was scared that you, that everyone would just think I was sleeping with him to further my career, or that I was some kind of gold digger!"
"If you honestly thought for one minute that I would think that! ME! I'm your best fucking friend, Maddie! I've told you everything about Freddie and me, probably more than you really wanted to hear realistically but never mind, and you didn't trust me enough to tell me that you were even seeing him! Not only that, but you even lied to my face when I asked you if something was going on between you!"
"I know, and I felt like shit about it! I kept meaning to tell you I swear! And then everything happened in Brazil with Novak, and I was going to leave. Him, you, the tour, fucking all of it! I was so done with all the bullshit that kept being thrown at me over and over again, I just wanted to go back to my simple little life back in England."
"But you didn't did you! You stayed! So why not tell me then?" I ask her, my voice slightly calmer now but not by much and I still have to raise it anyways to make sure she can hear me over Harry who is currently midway through his version of Stockholm Syndrome. Seriously the boy's album is FULL to the brim of melancholy tear-jerking hits and its these two upbeat, fairly cheerful songs that he has to be playing whilst Maddie and I are having this fucking conversation?
"I was going to! I was going to tell you in Florida, but then I came back to our room that morning, and you had just broken up with Freddie, and I felt like I'd be the biggest fucking bitch on the planet if I started gushing to you about my wonderful relationship when yours had just come crashing down around your shoulders!"
"Did it ever occur to you that I'd be happy for you Mads? That I'd have been glad that one of us was happy? God, how much of a bitch do you think I am!" I shout back, fuck this, this is bullshit. "I get that things haven't been easy for you, I of all people know that. It's been me that's looked after you remember? It was me that stayed with you after Novak, you didn't want Harry then, you wanted me! But still, you didn't trust me with the truth."
We stand in silence for a minute or two, neither of us quite sure what to say next. She's told me her reasons for keeping this from me, and I've made it clear how much they have hurt me and how stupid I think they are, I don't know where we go from here. Looking in her wide eyes, I can't honestly see how things can go back to how they were before. How can I trust her now? How am I supposed to trust anyone when all the people I care about keep lying to me?
"I'm so sorry, Sammy."
"So? Freddie was sorry to Matilda." I spit out "What the fuck am I supposed to do with sorry? Do you think that makes it better? Do you think that makes it any easier for me to look at you right now?" Somewhere, deep in the back of my mind, a tiny little voice is calling out to me, struggling to be heard, trying to reason with me and point out that maybe, just maybe I am projecting the pent up anger I have towards Freddie on to Maddie right now just because she had the audacity to hurt me and stick around for me to yell at, but I push it away. Not wanting to see reason right now.
"I didn't mean to lie to you." She says in a voice so small that I struggle to hear it over Harry has now moved on to "Just a little bit of your heart" at least this song is a bit more fitting, I'd like to wrap this conversation up before Medicine though I think to myself.
"Does he love you?" I ask her.
"Yes, he does. And I love him very much."
"Good. Then he won't mind if you stay in his suite for a while then will he? I'll ask Clark to bring your shit up there to you tonight after takedown."
"Sammy please, don't be like that. I'm so sorry, what can I do to make this better?" She pleads with me, tears sparkling in her eyes.
"You can leave me the fuck alone." I snap, and with that, I spin on my heel and walk away from her, feeling like my heart has been broken yet again. The two people I thought I could trust with my life on this tour, the two people who I've shared the most laughs with, the most tears, the most secrets, have both managed to utterly betray me and totally fuck up our relationships in the space of just a few days. Fuck this. I need a drink.
Maddie's perspective.
Watching Sammy walk away I sink down on to the grass beneath me and lean my back up against the side of one of the outbuildings which I think Kacey is using as her dressing room, fuck I hope she didn't hear any of that. I can't believe I let things get this far, why the hell didn't I tell Sammy sooner? Whilst I was desperately trying to explain my reasons to her, they even sounded weak to my own ears. How could I not have trusted her with this? She has proven time and time again since I met her that she has my back, that I can go to her with anything and she won't tell a soul. Why did I think that this was any different? Why didn't I just tell her straight off what was happening with Harry and me? She probably would have been able to help me figure things out, I might not have gone through all the heartache that I did in Mexico before I saw the fans attacking Harry's car and finally figured out that I loved him if I had just spoken to her. She would have seen straight through me, no doubt about it, and she would have told me outright that I was in love with him and that I was kidding myself if I thought I was just going to be able to walk away.
But I didn't. I didn't tell her anything. I don't blame her for hating me. Fuck, Freddie betrayed her trust, and I called him every name under the sun! And the whole time I've been doing the exact same thing. As much as she was shouting at me throughout our entire conversation, I could see the pain in her eyes, she looked so broken, with the purple bruises underneath them showing me how little she's been sleeping these past few days since Freddie up and left, shimmering in the reflection of the stage lights shining through the backdrop, she's lost weight too, and I didn't even notice. And then I step up and break her heart all over again. Fucking great friend I am.
Not wanting to go back into the cafeteria and see the faces of the people who clearly know that we've just had a blazing row, or risk running into Clark and having to explain myself, or worse still, Sammy who would no doubt utterly refuse to acknowledge my existence at all, unless she remembered something she'd forgotten to yell at me for already, I decide to stay where I am. Sitting on the slightly damp grass behind the stage, hidden from view in the shadows, softly crying at my own stupidity as Harry's voice echoes all around me.
"Meet me in the hallway
Meet me in the hallway
I just left your bedroom
Give me some morphine
Is there any more to do?
Just let me know I'll be at the door, at the door.
Hoping you'll come around
Just let me know I'll be on the floor, on the floor.
Maybe we'll work it out.
I gotta get better, gotta get better.
I gotta get better, gotta get better.
I gotta get better, gotta get better.
And maybe we'll work it out.
I walked the streets all day.
Running with the thieves.
'Cause you left me in the hallway
Give me some more
Just take t.he pain away
Just let me know I'll be at the door,. at the door
Hoping you'll come around
Just let me know I'll be on the floor, .on the floor
Maybe we'll work it out
Gotta get better, gotta get better
Gotta get better, gotta get better
Gotta get better, gotta get better
And maybe we'll work it out
We don't talk about it
It's something we don't do
'Cause once you go without it
Nothing else will do."