My body is numb as I walk inside, still in shock.
I failed.
We spread apart like zombies, moving sluggishly to our rooms. I send a text to Dave explaining everything with a promise to call him later, not wanting to talk right now. My fingers hover over Uncle John's name but I put my phone down. I'm sure he's already heard about my outburst.
Instead, I walk over to my bed and grab my computer, Sterling's email still on the screen. Mindlessly, I click on the second video, in dire need of a distraction.
Ashton's face appears on the screen and I'm about to click off when he leans down, showing me asleep in class. It's from his first day of school, in anatomy when I had a migraine. The scene changes, the camera is wobbly as it zooms in at the pep rally. The image finally coming into focus on Ashton and I as I pinch his arm. Then the blush that spreads across my face as he compliments me.
It's us at the championship game when he hit me with the ball. Then it's us kissing after they won, I'm embarrassed now to know they saw that.
Thanksgiving clips appear, Ashton holding onto me for dear life as I go over a hill, his scream making me laugh. Then it's my head rested on his shoulder asleep, Ashton's face stuck in complete shock as he watches me.
Everything from the past six months plays, I'm overly amused to learn that they were watching us that night at Ella's party when we almost kissed. Their laughter followed by Sage shoving the barn door open.
"Watch this." He whispers before clearing his throat. "Snowball fight!"
The scene changes to Ella's basement stairwell, a giggle fills my ears.
"Why are you staring at me?" Ashton asks.
"You're pretty." I mumble back.
Oh my God, the pain pills. Ashton lied to me, I didn't say random things I called him pretty.
I'm confused when the next clip is Ashton crying in a bathroom, hugging his sides for dear life. "I want Scarlett."
There's a lot of shuffling and I can hear Gabe and Zev talking in the background but I'm fixated on Ashton crying over me. Sage told me about it and he admitted to it but I've never considered just how upset he was.
It's adorable.
"I just want to hear her voice." He cries, rubbing his nose.
A thought settles in the back of my mind, I just want to hear Ashton's voice right now, not a recording but the real thing. I want to see him.
There's us on New Year's Day, sleeping soundly after making up as everyone barges into my room. Ashton doesn't even budge, pulling the blanket over our heads while I'm still out.
I'm surprised to find the video to be a hodgepodge collection from everyone. The twins got some moments but then there are others that Ella collected, even some Ashton and I filmed on our own phones. Some I've never even seen before.
Ashton kissing my forehead as I'm asleep. Ashton kissing me at the basketball game after my jealous fit. The both of us asleep in the back of his parents car on the ride home from Alabama, our heads leaned against each other's. Valentine's Day as we danced in the snow and almost kissed before Gabe, who was videoing, interrupts. I'm amused by the angered look on Ashton's face and by how embarrassed I was, that night feels like forever ago. Us hiking over Thanksgiving break when he almost dropped me in the water. Back then I just thought he was messing with me but now I can see the shocked look he has on his face as my lips accidentally brush against his neck.
He was so flustered and that was months ago.
A smile never leaves my face, the video ending on him hugging me as I waved goodbye to them last week. Six months of Ashton continuously sticking by my side and I still can't let him in.
Mindlessly, I walk downstairs, feeling suffocated in my room. Sage stops me as I reach for the door.
"Where are you going?" He asks.
I'm sure I look like I've just had a panic attack, my face all red and splotchy, doing nothing to ease his concern. "I'm going for a walk."
Eventually he moves out of the way, opening the door for me. I don't know how long I walk before I stop, knowing my feet are leading me to where I need to be.
I plop down in the grass, taking a steadying breath as I fix my dress. "Hey, Mom and Dad."
I wait, feeling stupid. It's not like they can respond.
"I don't know how you guys are doing but life is pretty shitty right now." I laugh, snot shooting from my nose.
And I just start talking, the words pouring from my mouth. The dam holding my emotions back finally bursting. I start by apologizing for that night two years ago, how my attitude will forever haunt me. I talk about what happened those first few months after they left. For the first time acknowledging to them how miserable we were. What Uncle John's drinking did to us and to him. I mention what life was like our first week alone. How hard Saffron cried waiting for mom to walk into her room to say goodnight.
I talk about everything, no matter how big or small it is. How I still cheer, thinking of mom every time I wear the uniform. How well we're doing in school. The growth the kids have shown in the past year and how proud of them I am.
I talk about how Avery and James broke up and how he's now dating Stella, imagining mom reminding me to be nice to my cousin. I talk about becoming friends with Gabe again and how they were right when they said he was a keeper.
I talk about custody, what a whirlwind the past couple months have been. Saffron ending up in the hospital and how Bennett is hell bent on ruining my life. Making sure I emphasize how right they were to hate him. I mention Uncle John and Ms. Miller, admitting that I might have over reacted a little when I talked to her today.
"I failed you. I had everything set to go and I ruined it. The Will shows that you trusted me to take over and I failed. After today, all I can do is wait for May 3rd and then it's all over. Maybe Uncle John can try to get custody, he's offered before, you know."
I wait, unsure if he's ever mentioned it to them on one of his visits. We've never really talked to each other about this type of thing before.
"But it wouldn't be the same. He wouldn't be able to do much with all the traveling he does and I'll still be stuck going through someone else. I tried, I really did, but in the end it wasn't enough. Sometimes life's just two steps ahead of me, right Dad?"
Thunder crashes through the sky as my vision goes blurry with tears. "I'm sorry."
Silence surrounds me for a while, allowing me time to reflect on the one sided chat I just had. Everything's caught up, except for one thing.
"I met someone." I take a moment to collect myself, a smile working its way onto my face. "His name's Ashton."
I can picture mom sitting beside me, listening as I talk like we're two school girls.
"He annoys the ever loving shit out of me and that's on a good day. Dad would love him based on that alone. But he's wonderful, way too good for me if you want the honest truth."
Rain drops from the sky, blend with my tears. "He's completely transformed our lives. He's Sage's best friend, finally giving him someone other than us girls to talk to. The twins idolize him, something that Sage is more than a little jealous about. His little sister is Saffron's bff for life, or so I'm told. And he's my boyfriend. Or at least he was, after the way I've acted I'd dump myself in a heartbeat."
I tell them everything about him, from the way he smells to how he makes me feel like a completely different person.
"He's always helping me or hugging me or complimenting me or making me laugh. It's almost like his whole world revolves around me, like I walk into the room and instantly he focuses on me."
Pausing to remember the countless times I've seen it. "It scared me at first. That someone like him would be interested in me and then that fear shifted into worrying when he would leave. That's why it took me so long to tell him about you two. Feeling like it was the final straw, who would want to deal with that?"
For some reason, I laugh. "But he's still by my side, or he was until I pushed him away. I can practically feel you lecturing me but I had my reasons. I was scared. In case you haven't noticed, I excel at pushing people away by now. But I also hoped by separating myself from him, Bennett would stop. Thinking he's won."
The words sound stupid now but I had foolishly hoped it would work.
"I told our original social worker I would be willing to give Ashton up if it was a determining factor but I didn't know how hard it would be."
He's my anchor. With him it's never been about how I look or what I did. All that's ever mattered is that I'm Scarlett. I get annoyed by his foolish antics and spend a good portion of my day laughing at him. He learned how to keep me calm without ever being told to, holding my hand just to settle my nerves. He didn't get upset with me when I dug my heels into the dirt when it came to us, always letting me set the pace in our relationship because I was scared. Not one complaint or ounce of pressure, just a smile that made my heart melt.
Another round of thunder shakes the ground, my eyes focus on their headstones. It's the closest thing I have to being face to face with them.
"Do you remember, mom, the last thing you ever told me?" Again, I wait, it feels wrong to just talk continuously. "You said one day I'll find someone who loves me even more than you did."
I let the words sink in, remembering how I always brushed them off as a cruel joke.
"Well, I think I found that person, at least I hope so. Because I love him." I whisper, finally saying the words out loud that I've been trying to run from since Alabama.
I love Ashton McClain with my whole heart.
My fingers pull at the slick grass, "I'm not really sure when it happened but he makes me feel like I never have before."
I love Ashton and I still pushed him away. "Maybe I am broken. The past two years have ruined that part of me that's capable of making rational decisions when it comes to myself because I'm willing to care for everyone but me."
My well of words have run out, I sit there. The water washing away any emotions I have left as I process the realization I just came to. I've done nothing but hurt myself as I watched everyone else grow.
A twig snaps behind me, I whip my head around to find Ashton standing there, his shirt soaked to his skin with a pained expression on his face.
We stare at each other, both of us terrified to move. Slowly, I stand up, tucking a strand of wet hair behind my ear. "How much did you hear?"
He scratches the back of his head, "All of it."
Oh.
Clearing his throat, he tries again. "I sorta followed you from your house. Not that I was stalking you, I was just dropping off your ring. It fell off your hand at school and I didn't want to bother you. Then you walked out and I wanted to make sure you got wherever you were going safely because you looked so out of it. I didn't know you were going here. Actually, I was so focused on you that I didn't realize we were here until you sat down. I tried to move but there's a lot of sticks on the ground and I didn't want to scare you. I'm sorry for invading on such a private moment, especially since you made it blatantly clear that-"
He's rambling.
"It's okay, neither did I. It just sorta happened." I reassure him, my finger brushing over where my moms ring should be. I guess I didn't put it on as tightly as I thought I had.
He nods, clearly focused on something else. "Did... Did you mean what you said?"
I let out an embarrassed squawk, I forgot he heard that. Looking up at the sky, I take a deep breath. Nothing else is working out in my life, I'm not going to lose this too. "Yeah, I did."
He rubs his face, crouching into a squat, and for a moment I think he's panicking.
"I understand if you don't feel the same..." my voice drops off, feeling stupid for even speaking.
Ashton laughs, softly at first but it grows louder. What in the world is his problem?
"You don't have to be rude." I snip, crossing my arms defiantly.
"Scarlett, do you have any idea how long I've waited to say those words?" He asks, wiping his face.
My mind screams at what he's insinuating, there's no way he means that. Why would he love me? I've done nothing but push him away.
The intense look on his face keeps me from asking that out loud. A small part of my mind begins to think about it.
The dream I had.
"Since Valentine's Day?"
He closes the space between us, grabbing my face. "Scarlett Rain, I've been holding onto those words since the end of December."
I shake my head, trying to pull back from him. "That's impossible."
That was months ago, we had only known each other for almost two months. Kissed twice. So much has happened since then. New Years, Valentine's Day, Alabama. He loved me through everything, even after I lied to him.
His thumbs brush my cheeks, his forehead pressed against mine. "Do you have any idea how stubborn you are?"
I don't say anything, fighting my normal response. I'm not stubborn.
"So completely stubborn but I love that about you." He kisses me gently, "I love you."
My hands find their way around his neck as I stare into his eyes. "Say it again."
"I love you, more than you could ever know." My heart skips a beat each time I hear those three words.
"I love you too." I whisper against his lips and in that moment I decide I'll never get tired of saying those words.
"Please, promise me one thing." He pulls back, a drop of water rolling down his nose. "Promise me no matter what happens next you won't push me away. I can handle whatever jabs you throw my way, literally and figuratively, but I can't watch you shove the world away."
I nod my head, feeling guilty for the past couple days. It's not a great feeling.
"If you're going through hell, that's ok, I'll be there to hold your hand. Whenever life kicks the ever loving shit out of you, which I'm sure will happen plenty of times, I'll do my best to always take your beating. Please, just let me stay with you."
His eyes are soft, the plea written all over his face. Just let me stay with you. No one's ever offered to stay with me, ever pushed back when I shoved away.
"I don't think I'd survive without you."
I'm pressed against his body, strong arms locking me in place. "Thank you, I'm so sorry for yelling at you."
It's my turn to pull away, "You have nothing to apologize for."
Reaching up I cup his face and he leans into my touch, using a hand to cover my own. "Yes, I do. I promised myself that I would never lose my temper with you and I did just that."
The guilt on his face is so strong that it takes me by surprise. I deserved it, I wanted him to get mad without even thinking about how it would affect him. "It's okay."
"No, it isn't." He tries to protest but I kiss him, silencing any further argument.
"I'm sorry for the last week. I was so worried and so convinced that I could win, but I didn't." My voice cracks.
"I know." He assures me and when I don't say anything else he hugs me again. I let him hold me, the worry and emptiness that's been trapped within me finally draining away.
I might not have everything but at least I have Ashton.
Eventually we start to leave but I tug at his hand, he follows obediently. I stop in the same spot I was in earlier.
"Mom and Dad, this is Ashton."
He tightens his grip, "Hello."
I roll my eyes at his awkwardness, not that I blame him. It's hard to have a one sided conversation.
Ashton drives me home, stopping in front of my house. He shivers, a few drops of water falling onto the seat. I pull at his sweatshirt that I changed into, along with a pair of leggings I left in his truck last weekend.
"Please put this on." He pushes my arms down, "You're going to get sick, Asht-"
A kiss cuts me off, a few water droplets hitting my face. "I'm ok."
My fingers run through his hair, if he says so. He unbuckles my seatbelt, begrudgingly I move for the door.
"Hey," he presses one more kiss against my lips, "I love you."
I get out of the car, feeling like I'm floating. "I love you too."
Something tells me I'll never get tired of hearing those words come from his mouth. I walk up the stairs, a hand touching my lips. Did tonight really happen?
My delight is cut short when I find Uncle John waiting on the swing, "We need to talk, Bean."
*****
Okay so I'm stuck in Nashville waiting for the concert my brothers at to end, it's got like two hours left so I'm updating early so I can read the comments to entertain myself
I hope you LOVED this chapter
Xo-Mo