"Well, Captain Knots, I think I've psyched myself up about this enough. What do you think?"
I think it says a lot about me when I'm completely comfortable playing dress up in front of a cat and part of me expects him to respond. He kinda does? He tilts his head slightly to the side and meows as if to ask me why what I'm wearing matters and- I'm reading so much into the most basic cat reaction ever.
Okay.
Ha..
Safe to say I'm a little stressed.
"Captain Knots isn't a witch who got turned into a cat, so he probably won't have a witty remark for you, Sabrina," Z smiles knowingly as she leans in the doorframe of my room with her arms crossed loosely in front of her chest, "That's my job."
"Do you think he'll like it?" I push my glasses a little further up the bridge of my nose. Nerdy? Yes. Do I need to see? Yeah, but that doesn't change what I just did.
"I think he likes you and that's enough," She walks over to me to straighten out the collar of the plain white shirt I chose to wear. I wanted to go with something pretty casual, but not.. too casual.
Do you feel like you're watching Queer Eye yet?
"Also, yeah, the song you wrote is kind of the most adorable thing I've ever heard in my life," She chuckles lightly and I feel myself relax into a small smile, "In my experience, people tend to work in opposite ways. The happiest, kindest people I've ever met are also the saddest. The most hardened people like Ryan are total softies once you get to know them. He's got a soft spot for you. You'll see more of it everyday, I promise. He'll smile more, he'll laugh, you'll catch him staring at you like he would rather die than not be right by your side."
"Did he do that for you?"
She pauses. She just stops.. Then she glances down at the floor before sighing softly and slowly nodding her head.
He did.
And she misses it.
No matter how supportive she is of Ryan and I being together, a part of her, even a tiny part, still misses the little things. The way he smiled at her, laughed with her, looked at her like he was the only person he ever wanted.
And y'know what?
"I get it," I flash her an understanding smile as she looks up at me again, "It's an indescribable feeling to think about life without the one person you thought you'd spend yours with. I think you're just about the strongest person I've ever met because you still support him and you can be around him all the time, even if it hurts, even a little bit. I.. I hope I get there someday with Dallon, but- Oh, my god."
"What?"
"I'm Jim Hutton."
Z's silent for maybe.. two seconds before I catch her trying to stifle a laugh that gets harder to fight with each passing second.
"I'm happy you finally got the joke," She speaks in the breaks of her laugh while I reassess my entire life for a moment.
Ryan's Freddie Mercury. Metaphorically.
Z's definitely Mary Austin.
And I'm- Oh, my god. I'm stupid.
Okay, but why doesn't Ryan have more cats?
Wow.
Love that.
"But wait, Mary and Jim hate each other, don't they?" Now, I have to dig into this, "Or did I completely misunderstand that book-"
"It's a metaphor, Bren. This isn't tenth grade English class, there's no extra credit for reading into it more than you need to," Captain Knots meows down at Z's feet and rubs his head against her leg, prompting her to pick him up and scratch him behind his ears. His sweet little purr fills the brief silence in the room and brings a smile to my face. I love cats anyway, but I guess I should get used to the thought of a few more, "And you would know if I hated you. I don't. I think you care about Ryan and you can bring him a happiness I never could. I love him enough to let him find that happiness with you."
"Is it.." I pause and Z looks at me quizzically. All I've done is ask her questions, but this one feels important.. I just don't wanna hurt her, "Is it.. Hard to watch Ryan with someone else?"
She smiles at me, softly. In a reassuring way, "It gets easier all the time. It helps that we didn't talk for a few years, but.. The day I saw him again hurt the most. Since then, the pain's tapered off because I know he needs me, but not in the same way he used to. And that's okay. If I'm meant to be with someone else, I'll find them. If Ryan's meant to be with someone who isn't me," She nods slowly once again, as if she approves. She accepts it, "I'm glad it's you. I'm glad that I'm the Mary to his Freddie as long as you're his Jim."
~
"Honey? God.. I thought I paid the electric bill this month.."
"No, it's okay! It's just for dramatic effect, come in, come in!"
In case you're wondering, yes.
He has walked through the front door and said, 'Honey, I'm home.'
Anyway.
The living room was illuminated only by candlelight by the time Ryan got home. I'm sitting pretty on the couch, guitar in hand and across my lap, smiling softly at the most beautiful man in the world. And he smiles right back at me as he kicks off his shoes and strolls over to me, parking himself on the carpet in front of me.
"You know you could've just called me if you blew a fuse or something," He teases me with a slight chuckle in his tone and my heart beats a little faster. God, I love seeing him happy. Just like Z said, it's becoming less and less of a rare occurrence.
And that's all I want for him.
"I have something to show you and I needed the right mood lighting," I run the lyrics of my song through my head one more time as he settles himself on the carpet, but gives me the same attention a kindergartener gives their teacher during storytime.
"Ready when you are, my dear."
In.
And quietly, slowly out.
"When the world gets too heavy
Put it on my back
I'll be your levy
You are taking me apart
Like bad glue
On a get-well card
It was always you
Falling for me
Now there's always time
Calling for me
I'm the light
Blinking at the end of the road
Blink back to let me know"
"Brendon?"
"Wh- Yes?" Oh, god. What did I do already? Does he like it? What if he hates it? What if he-
"Ask me."
"What do you mean?" I can't tell if he's smiling or not, his hand is over his mouth as if he's shocked or holding something back.
"Nobody's ever cared about that much to do this for me and I-I'm-" I watch him sniffle and sigh shakily, "I'd love to not be crying when you ask me out," He closes his eyes and sighs more deeply this time, "Honey.. I love your song, your voice is the most beautiful thing in the world and I hope to god you never forget just how talented and wonderful and undeniably stunning you are. You didn't have to do all this for you, but you're you, so of course you did. I.. I love it. So much. And.." I can see it.. He's dancing around saying that he loves me. And that's okay, "Do you want me to ask you or-"
"Ryan, if you won't go out with me, I don't know what I would do because the only person I want is you."
~
yes, i will continue to make queen references even if no one actually gets them.
i think it's cute.
and i love brendon and z's relationship almost too much. they're very similar, but just different enough that they have an interesting dynamic and they complement each other really well.
oh, yeah. ryden's cute, too😝
~RJ💫