Dani
It's a relief to touch my piano again after over a week of not being able to face it. My hands flutter across the keys as I become lost in the atmosphere of La Fille aux Cheveux de Lin.
Doing something so familiar is soothing in the midst of all my confusion. I can focus on my music that I've played a thousand times, and lose myself in the beautiful sounds and the natural movements of my fingers that are ingrained in my muscle memory. It might not truly dispel my troubles, but it lets me block out the constant cacophony of thoughts in my mind, if only for a short while.
As the song comes to it's conclusion, so do the effects of my musical anesthesia.
Cam kissed me.
What. The. Heck.
If my life were a novel, this is a twist I'd never see coming. The only problem is, I'm not sure if my confusion is good or bad.
I think Cam is a nice guy, deep down. He gets defensive easily, but it often seems like his quick retorts are attempts to protect his sensitivity. He's smart, and we've had some good conversations together. I didn't think he was much of a looker at first, but he's been growing on me as I get to know him. If only I knew him well enough to decide if I wanted to take what has scarcely reached the point of friendship to something more.
On the other hand, isn't getting to know someone to determine your feelings for them the whole point of dating? If I'm honest, the idea of a relationship with Cam intrigues me, and it's not a prospect that I want to throw down the drain. I only worry that by giving it a go I might lead Cam into believing I want something that I haven't made my mind up about yet. The guy has just lost his best friend, and he's coping even worse than I am. I'm not sure how many more heartaches he can take.
The bell for third period disturbs my peace, and I pack up my music. Lunch break is over, and I have to leave the safe haven of the music room. Caitlyn was surprisingly kind about me leaving her alone at lunch to practice piano. I was expecting her to berate me, or get upset about me prioritising a hobby over her. However, she merely smiled and nodded, saying how happy she was that I was getting back into piano again. Her acceptance put me in a good mood.
Throughout third period I found myself fixated on the Cam issue. Concentrating on schoolwork is difficult with so much on my mind. I want to know why Lola needed my help. I want to know what she fought with Jacob about, and why he's so reluctant to tell anyone. I want to know what news she had for Cam. I want to know how Cam feels about me, and how I really feel about him.
Too many thoughts, not enough brain cells.
I need to talk to Cam. Properly - in person. As soon as class ends, I speed-walk out the door and lurk creepily in the vicinity of the port racks where I know Cam leaves his bag. When I see him coming up the pathway towards him, we make eye contact. He passes me and hisses, "We can't be seen together!"
Continuing my bout of creepiness and also possibly taking a leaf out of Caitlyn's book, I grab him by the wrist. "There's got to be somewhere we can go where Caitlyn won't see us. We need to talk."
He looks around suspiciously. "You can text me tonight."
"Texting isn't talking. One little conversation at school won't hurt."
He hesitates, before leading me along the path towards the school greenhouse. We go inside and Cam shuts the door behind us. He rummages through a box in the corner and pulls out a pair of dirty looking gardening gloves that I can smell from across the room. "Quick, put these on!"
I wrinkle my nose. "No thanks. Why?"
He sighs impatiently. "We can't just be in the greenhouse for no reason. I'm allowed in here for a plant biology project, so you'll just have to pretend you're helping me."
Reluctantly, I put on the gloves. They're disturbingly moist. The air in the greenhouse is sticky and reeks of manure. I look around at the dull surroundings. "Well, this is romance at it's finest."
Cam grins. "Sorry, there were no palaces nearby. You'll have to make do with this abundance of dirt and sweltering heat."
"Well, I guess that's nearly as good as a palace. I just needed to talk to you."
"Shoot."
I feel my face going hot. "I just think that maybe we should talk about what happened."
His eyebrows raise with surprise. "We did. We chatted for ages that night, remember?"
My blushing intensifies. "I suppose so, but we didn't really decide, you know, what we are?"
Now it's Cam's turn to blush. "You mean, if we're in a relationship?"
I'm grateful that he said it so I don't have to. "Yeah - that."
He looks at the floor. "Well, what do you want to do?"
This is the hard part. I can't appear too enthusiastic, but I also can't risk seeming disinterested. "I've been thinking a bit. And I think you're cool and stuff. But we haven't really known each other that long. Pretty much everything we talk about is to do with Lola. It seems quick to jump into a relationship when we've really only just met."
His expression is unreadable. "So...is that a polite way of turning me down?"
"No, no! Sorry, I'm bad at this. I don't want to let this opportunity pass me by. I just think that maybe we don't have to call it official yet. We can just be..."
I trail off, unsure of the word that I'm looking for before Cam jumps in. "Dating?"
I smile. "Right. We can just be dating and see how it goes."
A small smile spreads across his face. "Right, dating it is."
I sigh. "We seem to be good at making things complicated for ourselves."
"Sadly, yes. I guess we should tell the others and get the mockery over and done with."
Suddenly, I feel a pang of sadness. It must show on my face, as Cam begins to look concerned. "What's wrong?"
Somehow I doubt Cam will understand. "It's just...I always thought that whenever something like this would happen, my best friends would be the first to know. It'd be exciting, you know?"
The realisation is visible in his green eyes. "Right. And now Lola's, well, gone. And Caitlyn would kill you."
"Basically, yes."
He pats me on the shoulder with his sweaty gardening glove and I recoil slightly. "It's okay. My friends really like you. Kel's great for a good gossip, you can talk about it with her."
His effort to cheer me up is endearing, but we both know that talking to Kel wouldn't be the same. "Don't worry, I'll be fine. Anyway, I was thinking I might try and talk to Jacob at some point and see if he'd open up to me rather than Zig."
"Hmmm. That could work. Did you know him well?"
"Not well, but we got along. Sometimes I'd play video games with him which he seemed to like. I often see him after school by the gate, so I could try talking to him then."
Cam seems impressed. "That'd be awesome. Thanks, Dani."
I smile. "Anytime, partner."
As I look up at him, I notice that he's come a little closer. I tilt my head to the side reflexively as the space between us slowly shrinks. This time, I know what's coming.
I close my eyes and feel his warm breath on my face. I momentarily wonder how I can discern the specific feeling of his breath in amongst the already hot and damp air of the greenhouse. At least I wouldn't be able to tell if he had bad breath with all this manure lying around. I place a sweaty, gloved hand on his shoulder awkwardly and lean in.
I think I'm ready this time.
Then, I hear someone bashing on the door.
Cam and I jump apart, and I expect an angry teacher to come in and tell us off. But the voice I hear tells me that things are a lot worse than I anticipated.
"Knock knock, lovebirds! Mind if I join you?"
Cam stares at me, his mouth open with horror.
Caitlyn is standing at the greenhouse door.