You
•••
Connor- your dad's right
Connor- you're not that slick
I was expecting most of my phone notifications to be from the group chat or from social media updates, and for the most part, and they were.
I wanted to know what Connor's reaction was, but I had to leave early. Dad probably had enough on his mind, so I decided not to make today similar to what happened after we came back from the pool.
Me- i wasn't trying to be slick
Me- did you like it?
Connor- it's okay i guess
"Goddammit," I shook my head but wore a smile as I began to speed walk back home. My phone buzzed one more time before I arrived at my house.
Connor- thanks
Connor- and saying my handwriting was better than yours was bullshit yours isn't that bad wtf
The car wasn't parked in the driveway which meant Dad had to work late. With my eyes on my phone, I unlocked the door with my own key and nearly tripped upon entering.
Luckily, my dad wasn't here to call me out on staring at my phone while walking.
My thumb must've slipped as I typed a reply though. And it hit send.
I could already hear his teasing voice giving me shit.
Me- i skgsksop k
Me- WAIT
Connor- okay your texting might need some work
Me- shut up i tripped :(
After dropping my stuff off at the bottom of the stairs, I traveled to the fridge, dug our whatever was left from last night's dinner and ate.
I had planned on picking up a tub of ice cream again from work, but I was so focused on getting my apron untied and turning in my uniform that I forgot. I apparently made the mistake of double knotting the thick fabric string.
So there was my last chance of free ice cream...
When I got up to my room, I set my stuff down near my desk just as my phone violently buzzed. It was resting on the table, so I nearly jumped out of my own body when it rang.
I answered the video call coming from the group chat.
In one icon, Zoe and Connor were sitting next to each other. In another, there was Michael and Jeremy (who must've been added just recently) and there were two others with Alana and Jared.
"What's going on?" I asked as I sat down at the desk. "Did you kick Gianna off the chat?"
"Yea, because we're planning a surprise party. We were just talking about it."
Jared explained, pushing his glasses up.
"I think it should be at that one pool that's close to the school," Alana suggested with a click of her pen. She seemed to be looking down at some kind of planning paper. She was taking this seriously.
Not that the rest of us weren't, of course. I just didn't think anyone was expecting some sort of checklist or whatever she had.
Connor's eye's shifted to me and I smirked and returned the look. Our small, mentally photographed memories of what happened just months ago came flooding back to us.
So we weren't gonna break back in or anything, but I thought the party's still gonna be fun nonetheless.
"Like the one with the big gate and shit?" Jeremy asked, fiddling with his controller.
"Yes the one with the big gate and shit!"
"Wait, where's Evan?" I asked. I knew this didn't feel complete. Gianna treated everyone, especially those in her group, like the closest friend she's ever had. Evan wasn't an exception. "She invited everyone on the group chat as far as I know."
Zoe answered me. "He doesn't really do video calls."
"Or any kind of call in general," Jared joked as he gained stares from the majority of us. "Hey, it's true!"
I shook my head. "We'll just tell him about the plans on there or fill him in if he decides to join."
"Nah, I'll just nag him and bug him about it." Jared waved his hand down. "I'll let him know, don't worry 'bout it."
"Shit, I wonder how he's able to deal with you." Connor crossed his arms while Zoe lightly scolded him with a small "Hey!"
From his expression, Jared seemed to be owning it proudly. Then he shrugged and the said, "I'm wondering the same thing, honestly." A light chuckle came from him afterward.
As the planning continued, we all contributed here and there. That itself didn't take very long, but going off onto different topics and messing around like we were still in kindergarten was something bound to happen. Inevitable even.
Well, only a couple of months seemed like a long time of not seeing each other. None of it was bad, though. And whether or not they considered it, finding each other was one of the best things that had happened this year.
It's nice that you get some normal and meaningful moments in a weird lifetime.
•••
TW- slight hints/subtle mentions of suicide
As long as it seemed, the touring of the campus went pretty quickly. Gianna's birthday was a short event even though it went until midnight. Late night talks with the group chat that would last for hours seemed to be over in a second.
Then came the night before I had to leave for the plane. All around, my room no longer comprised of the objects that lived around me through my years. The bed I was sitting on was the only thing left.
And as comfortable as it was, I would never be able to fall asleep. I tossed and turned, my heart rate speeding up at every thought of tomorrow.
Sleep, goddammit, sleep! I mentally yelled at myself. Nights like these were normal, and it might stay that way.
I sat up and leaned against my pillow. Even though I had to get used to sleeping without any doses, Melatonin was tempting.
I remembered we were all out.
"Fuck it." I muttered, throwing my legs off the side of my bed and standing up. I picked up the sweater Connor gave me and slid it over my shirt. After sliding on some shoes, I opened up my window with my earbuds, phone, and wallet in hand.
Connor then popped into my mind. How rebellious, he would say. All that did was make me even more anxious about what would happen if I got caught by my dad.
The ladder waited for me as it leaned on the house. Once I got to the second step from the bottom, I hopped off. Taking the car was a thought, but I ended up walking to the 24-hour drugstore. It wasn't a bad idea since the summer night breeze felt nice.
I pushed open the door and glanced around. A clock that rested above a window read 2:45. The girl at the counter, who seemed about a year younger than me, was on the verge of falling asleep. I couldn't relate.
I found the medicine, checked it out, and quickly exited the store. The first thing, or well, person, my eyes landed on made me almost stop breathing. And it wasn't in a good way.
My grip tightened on the bottle in my pocket as he walked away from his car. He arrogantly tossed his keys while keeping his eyes on his phone.
I despised the fact I had to even look Derek again.
My pace sped up as I walked passed him and I turned a corner before he had a chance to say something.
Irrational fears of him turned into frustration, which turned into anger, and then to me wanting to scream and panic at the same time. I'm surprised the Melatonin bottle didn't break open from me squeezing it.
Before I knew it, I was at the local park. The colors of the playset were more drained in the night, and the swing creaked because of the slight wind. I raced to the nearby wooden table and sat on the top, resting my feet on the seat.
I turned my music up louder, but even then I could still hear his voice. His voice was kind but persuading when he asked me to the Mixer. Taunting when talking with Connor. Deceitful when met with teachers and any other authority figure.
I rested my head on my hand and had a staring contest with the swings across from me. In my peripheral, though, I was able to make out another figure walking to the park.
Thankfully, he wasn't the one from the drugstore.
He leaned over. "Y/N?"
I turned to him. Connor stood there in his pajamas and sweater. His pale face looked at me as if he'd just witnessed a murder. He sounded worried. Why was he worried? Does he know that I am?
If he's out here, he saw me go to the park from the drugstore, which meant that he saw Derek. It was a possibility, a very likely possibility.
I tugged on the hoodie strings while turning to him. "Hey," I greeted softly. He still looked nervous. "You okay? You can sit down if you want." I moved to the side, allowing him space.
Instead, he picked something up from the ground. My Melatonin. Connor turned the bottle around as he stared at it. He slowly shook his head. "Y/N don't do anything stupid if-if you're thinking..."
He stopped himself, his face was struck with so much fear.
My eyes suddenly widened. I knew what he was thinking, and he had the wrong idea. "No no no! No, Connor- That wasn't.. I wasn't going to. I was never going to!" I jumped up, dropping my phone on the table and seizing and yanking the bottle from his shaking hand. "I was never thinking that. I just went to the store and got this because we were out and I needed to get to sleep." The words quickly spilled out of my mouth, I didn't know if they were understandable. I didn't sound believable, but it was the truth. I was panicking for him and myself.
"I- it just.. it looked like you were going to and- Fuck, Y/N I don't know what I would've done! If you were thinking-"
"Connor, I promise I wasn't," I assured him.
Now my hand squeezed his just as hard. "I wasn't going to do that to myself." I shoved the bottle back into my pocket, out of our site.
"Please don't fucking lie to me, Y/N. I'm not stupid." Connor said, he sounded angry but his voice sounded like it was almost breaking.
"Shh, I'm not. I promise you." I slowly pulled him closer as he held my eyes in his. Connor then threw his arms around me and buried his face in the crook of my neck.
Shutting my eyes and embracing him tightly, I thought about how I could just fall asleep here with him.
Actually, I probably still couldn't. I couldn't sleep for shit.
"C'mon," I led him to the table and we plopped down next to each other. My hand was still in his. "Hey, don't worry. I'm still here and still breathing. And still not able to get to sleep." I joked. A hint of a smile snuck onto his face.
"Why are you here, Y/N?" Connor asked, his eyes staring down at his feet tracing shapes into the mulch. His elbow rested on his knee.
"I snuck out to get Melatonin. Can't sleep, remember?"
"Snuck out, huh?" Sounding almost surprised, he leaned back and looked at me. "Why are you here at the park though? Like, I'm here to get high."
"So get high then." I crossed my arms with a smirk.
"Well, I can't really. Forgot my shit, and I'm not going back to my house." He tilted his head. "Why are you really here?"
I had to laugh. Not at him, but at myself. I didn't have a real reason on why I was here, other than "My scared ass ran because I didn't wanna have to risk a confrontation with the asshole known as Derek."
I didn't actually say that. I said something else that was just as true. "One: I couldn't sleep. And two: I needed to calm down because I'm scared."
Just tell the full truth, a part of me said, tell the fucking truth.
I cleared my throat, adding on, "I saw Derek at the drugstore earlier and I ran."
"You what?" Connor stared at me once I mentioned his name. I was surprised it didn't set him off too much. "What the fuck did he do?" He turned around to stand up but I grabbed his arm.
"No, Connor- stop," I made him sit back down. "He didn't do anything or say anything because I ran. I guess I forgot which way was home because I'm here. I don't really wanna go back right now though."
My response sounded stupid and immature when I said it out loud. "I was scared." Of too many things, that's for sure. I laughed nervously at myself again.
"Scared?" Connor cocked an eyebrow.
"I'm leaving tomorrow. Well, today. For the flight. All my shit's packed and everything." I explained, looking down and biting my lip. "I have to wake up early too, and I'm out here."
I felt him scoot closer to me. "It's okay to be scared."
"Scared, worried, everything in between."
His hand returned to clasping mine. I was the one who was shaking despite it being summer. "It's just gonna be different." I said.
I didn't want Connor to worry about me too much. We both left our houses to not feel as anxious, but that's what we're both feeling.
"I'll go to the airport and meet you there before you leave, okay?" Connor's smile lit up the night, outshining even the moon. "I might as well see my girlfriend go."
I wish I could be there to do the same for him.
"I'd like that," I nodded eagerly. "Thank you."
"Hey Y/N?"
"Hm?"
"Can I kiss you?"
Nodding again, his tender lips caught mine. I giggled and kissed back just as happily and passionately.
I cherished every second of that night.