After that, we were never the same. We got more closer in our relationship. The air hostesses and hosts looked at us as if they knew what we were up to.
When we reached the small island, it was already night, and we fell asleep, jet lagged. That was not my first time on a plane, so I was very thankful. The first time, I refused to go to the washroom and eat. After all, I hated public washrooms, but Aniket assures that the plane was newly built and that it was its first trip.
I hated sharing washrooms, because honestly, there could be so many people with so many diseases sitting on the toilet, and you can never be too careful when it comes to health.
On the plane, after we completed our activities, I told Aniket that I found sharing saliva disgusting. He laughed at me and then kissed me, with tongue. At first, I hated it. I washed my mouth so many times, Aniket almost puked from laughing at me. Afterwards, he was kind of offended, so I kissed him to make up for it.
It was okay, so I don't know what I was going on about.
When I woke up on the small hotel bed, I wondered why there was a tiny bed in the midst of the biggest hotel room you could find.
How wealthy was my husband? I mean, he had a private plane.
I turned to look at him. He was sleeping like a child, and I wanted to touch his soft features.
I never wanted a chauvinistic husband. Aniket was charismatic, but not too cocky. He also believed in my values and gave me space and time.
Yet, While he made a strenuous effort to have a healthy relationship with me, I was hiding secrets. Secrets are categorized unhealthy in a relationship.
I need to give him an heir. Then he will be tied to me, and through me, to his family. Mayma will not know about her adopted son.
I hope.
I sighed. If Mayma did come to know, what will happen?
She was already weak, and I was already guilty that I left her behind. But leaving her for a week, rather than watching her suffer when she learns that Aniket isn't her own child, will be more painful.
I hated that I was doing exactly what I promised myself I wouldn't.
I didn't want to be the domestic and maternal figure who cooked, cleaned and took care of the children. I wanted to do more. More than be the sixteenth century woman.
I will never be like that.
Aniket stirred, and I came back from my thoughts. I wasn't wearing clothes and Aniket was staring at me. In the eyes.
I realized that, another man couldn't be this pure and innocent as Aniket. He was very respectful, and I loved that about him. But, I wanted him to notice me, love me more.
"So shy, Aniket." I say, stretching my arms.
"What?" He asks, groggily.
"Never mind." I groan, yawning.
"Wanna join me in the shower, before I go?" He asks, now on his side and looking at me amusedly.
"Go?" I jerk up to meet his eyes. "Where are you going?"
"To a meeting." He says nonchalantly.
"We're on our honeymoon, you do realize that right?" I ask, tilting my head.
"Yes, Krithi." He sighs. "I know we're on our honeymoon. I thought you would understand since you're a workaholic yourself."
"I do." I frown at him. I didn't tell him that I wanted to be with him. I wanted to get to know him more.
"You should look at yourself, sweetheart." He kisses me on the cheek. "I promise, I'll come back, and we'll stay in bed. Alright?"
I swat him on the arm. He smirks at me, and pulls me on top of him. When I protest, He starts to tickle me and I laugh uncontrollably.
For a minute, I didn't realize that he was touching me. When I was gasping for air and hitting him to hint that he should stop, he realized what he had done.
He gets out of bed immediately. I blush furiously, looking at him without his clothes. I liked that he touched me. I wasn't repulsed anymore.
I couldn't tell him, though. He would misunderstand that I manifested a lie into his head in order to be the dominant in our relationship.
"Krithi, I'm sorry. Please, I didn't mean to. I couldn't refrain myself."
"Aniket?" I took hold of his hands, and placed them on my own.
"Holy mother of—
"I know. I thought I hated your touch." I lower my eyes.
"Your not repulsed!" He accuses me. "You were never repulsed."
"No! Aniket, this is why I didn't want to tell you." Anikets' eyes widen. "I meant— I just— I mean, your touch felt different. I had worried that you might misunderstand.
"You lied to me about having a medical condition?"
"No! I am in love with you. I love you. I want you. I need you. I can't live without you." I sounded desperate. Maybe I was.
"That doesn't change the fact that you lied to me."
"I didn't lie to you!" I yell in exasperation. "I just figured it out a few minutes ago."
He climbs on top of me, and placed his hands at my waist, testing the waters. Immediately, my heart beat rose and my skin as if it was burning. "Aniket, Stop."
He climbs off, scratching his neck in frustration.
"Why? Why are you doing to this to me?" He turns his back to me.
"What do you mean?" I say, getting out of the bed.
"It's torture, to be able to see you, want you, and not be able to touch you. I want to have you in my arms, touch you with my hands. It's driving me crazy."
Aniket lies down on the bed. I climb over him, hugging him to me and placing my head in the crook of his neck. Anikets' hands tremble over my back and he decides to place it on my spine.
I moan at the touch and bury my head further into the pillow, embarrassed.
"Krithi." He says, shocked.
"What?"
"I'm touching you." He states, appalled.
"I know." I say monotonously.
"You're okay?" He questions, his hand travelling lower.
"Oh my god." Realization strikes me. "Aniket, go on top."
He flips us over. And touches me again. My eyes fly open.
Fear of vulnerability. "Oh god, Aniket." I sigh in relief.
"What? Did I hurt you?"
"No, but I think I found out why I was so repulsed by your touch." I say, my eyes widening.
"Along with the phobia of being touched— Haphephobia, I have OCD and an obsession with being in control.
Anikets' stares me, not comprehending the situation. "I knew about the OCD and Haphephobia. I never knew how much I desired control."
"Stop. Please." He says, covering his ears.
"I know this must seem like a shock, but I've known since my teenage years."
"Why? What made you so fearful of vulnerability?" He asks, taking hold of my arms.
"My mother."
I sigh.
"She was a perfectionist. As much as I was my fathers' daughter, I followed my mother to the core. I dressed like her, wanted to gain approval from her. My father understood this more than me. He is married to her, after all. He told me to be independent, and not seek approval. That's when the OCD started. I had to have everything a certain way. My clothes had to color coded, from black, white and lighter colors."
I pause.
"My parents never let me near other children— they feared they would ruin my perfect upbringing. That they do something to tarnish my mind. I always loved to be with people. Except I loved it when they shared things with me. I was always emotionally detached. Never told my stories— never let them close to me. That's why the fear of being touched first emerged. I noticed when Alisha tried to comfort me once by hugging me. I had a anxiety attack. Every time the spa people touched me, I was so repulsed. My skin felt like it was on fire. That's why I reacted so much. But I never knew that I had an obsession with being in control."
"Do your parents know?"
"No. Never. I will never tell them."
"Why did you tell me?"
"Because, when you touched me, I wanted you to do it again. And I hated myself for being out of control. So I distanced myself from you." I lower my eyes.
"Do you still want me to touch you?"
"I am trying to force myself to want you to touch me without me being in control. I want to have the reigns of my brain this time."
"Alright. Damn the meeting. Come, have a shower with me. Let's explore." He smiles, sympathetically, pulling me closer to him.
I quickly push him away. "I don't want your pity, Aniket."
"I am not pitying you. I am trying to help you. As your husband."
"Please. Let me be." This is new information. This could help me. I just want to think about possible cures for myself. I don't have any specific traumatic incidents in my life, so I can't do therapy. "I can only cure myself through you. You're my cure."
Aniket kisses me on my forehead. He sighs and leaves the room without protest.
**************************************
Aniket takes the whole day. He's out for a whole day. He comes back late at night, after I cried myself to sleep. I can feel him touching my cheeks, rubbing away the tears and placing a kiss on my forehead. I tried not to stir when he cuddled me as we slept.
To know my medical condition helped. I was trying to resist being in control all the time. I have to let us be equal in our relationship.
"Aniket? Are you awake?"
"Yeah. Couldn't sleep."
"Do you want to—um, do you want to be on top?" I shied away, covering my eyes.
"I can't. I feel like I overreacted. I should have known from the start. You always seemed to arrange my clothes in a particular pattern. You did CPR perfectly, and you gave out orders like you were a queen.
"You never let me touch you and always seemed to like it when we kissed. Especially when you initiated it.
"I should have known. I should have helped."
"You have been helping Aniket. I was afraid of being touched. You've helped me come across that. Like I said, you're my cure.
"I've lost," I say, pinching my arm. I've never admitted defeat.
"What?"
"I've lost, because you made a bet with me? You said you'd make me need you. And now, I do. I need you more than ever. To be my cure."
"I didn't mean it like that. I meant that I would make you love me and stay with me forever." He says, trying to inch away from me. He doesn't want to hurt me.
"Like I have a choice. It was you from the beginning." I giggled. "Literally since my
Beginning."
"So, you need me, huh?" He comes closer warily.
I smirked. "Shut up, before I regret it." He smiles smugly. "Wipe that smirk off your face, before I beat it off of you."
He climbs atop, placing his hands on my bare waist. "Oh god, I wanted to do this forever, my wife." He sighs, laying his head on my chest.
"Hmmm. Since when?" I ask, trying not to giggle.
"Since you came sashaying to my bed, like a perfect little seductress." He groan, as I trace his spine.
"You wanted to touch me on our wedding night?" I ask, shocked.
"Who wouldn't want to touch a beautiful woman like you? I had to beat up a lot of guys in college. Ones who you trusted. I saw through their facade."
"You've beat up guys for me?" My eyes widen at the news.
"I don't want to have another fight, Krithi." He says, kissing my cheek.
"It's alright. I find it cute that you got jealous." I slap his face gently. I like this playful side of us.
Anikets' ears tint red and I smirk. He was on top of me, yet I could still make him blush.
"Aniket, look at me." I turn his face to me.
"What?"
"Anytime, I am without clothes, you tend to focus your eyes on mine. What's up with that?"
"What do you mean? I thought I was being respectful." He brushes a strand of my hair behind my ear.
"I thought you didn't like to see me." I say, lowering my eyes. Do not cry. Do not cry.
"Darling, I was discreet. If you saw me seeing you that way, you would have murdered me."
"You pervert!" I tell, urging the tears to go back.
"I can never predict you. You fought with me because I complimented your body. Remember when you threatened me? That if I misbehaved with you or even looked at you the wrong way, you would surgically remove my bones and throw them to your neighbours' dog? I actually believed that you would follow through it, as crazy as it seems."
"Don't worry. It was a prank. After we got married, I actually wanted you to be one of those dark and mysterious husbands. But I realized that you were what I wanted. Respectful. Gentle. Kind."
"Thankyou, but I'd rather be the bad boy who cured the good girl rather than be the gentle husband who cured the fighter woman."
"Fighter woman? Seriously." I hit his chest.
"First thing that popped into my head. I could never hide anything from you."
I sighed.
He couldn't know about the secret I was keeping, could he?
He couldn't.
Maybe I should tell him.
What if he leaves me?!
"Aniket?"
"Yes darlin'?" He says, kissing the crook of my neck. I flipped us around, so that I was on top.
"You won't leave me, right?"
"Never. You're my life. My light. My everything."
I sigh in guilt, and didn't fall asleep for a long time.
*******
The next morning, I feel groggy and disoriented. I awoke Aniket and we had a shower together; He made me be in control, and I felt guiltier for hiding things
from him.
"What do you want to name our kids, Aniket?" I ask, eating breakfast.
"Kids? I thought you didn't want any right now?"
"I want to get pregnant. I want to give you an heir."
"That's not necessary, anymore. My father is fine, and with him, my mother is getting better. Take your time and accomplish your goal. Speaking of which, what are your goals?"
"Don't distract me. I want kids. I know you enough now to raise kids with you. People will start to talk. I don't want to seem infertile, when I'm perfectly capable of producing children. Besides, I get any older, there will be more complications."
"Then, lets start now."
I giggled and climbed atop him.
"No, Krithi. Let me be in control this time. I promise, I won't hurt you."
He kisses me on my forehead. "Fine." I was being selfish, I knew. I wanted to fall pregnant so that he would never leave his parents. I never want him or Mayma to know the truth.
More than that, I wanted a cure.
Him.
He kisses me, and my guilt rises as he keeps his hands at my waist. He's too perfect to be my husband.
"Aniket, get off."
"What?"
"Get off. Now." When he satres at me shocked, "please."
I cry into arms and he comforts me. I can feel him, ready for me. I cried harder, knowing that I couldn't give the same satisfaction and respect he was providing me.
"I'm sorry. I have been a horrible wife."
"No, no. Who taught you such things? I told you that I will wait for you."
"Aniket, I deserve punishment for this." Of course, Aniket didn't know that I was hiding secrets, and he didn't know I was meaning it as a sin and not the way he was thinking.
"Not now, sweetheart. When the time comes." He winks at me, and I am so so guilty but grateful for having him as my husband.
"I can't. I can't hide things from you."
"What?"
I can't tell him, not when we went through
a fight a day ago.
I decide to distract him by placing his hands on me, and smiling at him in reassurance.
He smiles at me, and kisses my lips, soft but demanding and wanting.
"Let's do this, shall we?" I smile at him, waiting for a response.
"Let's hope for twins. I don't want to have my hands crushed six times." He laughs at his own joke.
"You don't want me to have twins, Aniket."
"Why not?"
"You won't be wanting to do this with me otherwise." I direct my eyes towards
"What do you mean."
"I'll become fat, have stretch marks, deep circles under my eyes; I won't be pleasing to look at and I won't be able satisfy you in bed."
"You're kidding, right? I never wanted that. The features you have on the outside does not affect me. Your inner beauty is what matters to me."
"This is appalling, Aniket. If you want to get out of this bed before tomorrow, stop saying such things."
"Isn't that supposed to my line?" He says, chuckling.
"I thought we were equal in this relationship." I state, annoyed.
"We are, but I want to say thing to my wife that I've never uttered to another woman. I want to experience things with you."
"Again, stop with the charismatic responses. I want you to be dark, mysterious, and you know basically a shady guy who I fall in love with just because you say dirty things and act all alpha-male." I raise my eyebrows at him.
"If that's what you want, I'll do it."
I groan.
"Stop being so weird. It's doing things to my insides."
"I am? What am I doing?" He pulls me in closer; as if could have been more closer.
"There is a butterfly garden in my stomach, Aniket. They came out of they're cocoon because of you."
"Now whose being a romantic?" He retorts.
"We're hopeless. Let's just start before we stray out of it and en up in a PG-thirteen situation."
He laughs and we kiss. Finally. What I do to distract this man.
******
The next day was painful.
"You could have stopped after four rounds." I yell at him.
"It was you, who desired to touch me again." He replies.
"Please, you got ready if I was fifty yards away from you."
"I am not addicted. Just Insatiable. For you, my love."
I laugh and then scrunch my face because of the pain.
"Why do woman always have to face the consequences?"
"You mean, men don't?" Aniket asks, arching his eyebrow.
"Look at you, all happy the next day. Me? Suffering for a few hours of pleasure."
"You sound like your pregnant already." He says, laughing in my expense.
"If timed it well, I should get pregnant. But I won't announce it until two months after I do."
"Why not?" He asks curiously.
"What if I miscarry? I don't want to build false hope. Especially in Pops' condition. We have keep secrets, good or bad from him." And from you.
"You sound like a expert," he says, referring to my knowledge of medical skills. I felt like he was referring to me keeping secrets, and my eyes widen.
I shouldn't be feeling this guilty. I should be happy that I got him to agree to this.
I was going to have kids. I was happy, that I was building my own family. But what about later? When I want to work? I don't want to leave behind my child for a nanny to take care. I wasn't going to become that kind of careless mother.
Then I realized. What about other doctors and hospital staff? They've probably had to leave their children at home too, with the hope that an outsider will take care of their child and provide the same care and affection they would provide.
No, I need a plan.
I have spare rooms in the hospital. They are mainly used for storage, but if we clear that out, I could build a nursery. For all those mothers and fathers who are missing their children.
It's perfect.
"Let's get out of this bed before I decide to kill you." I say to Aniket as he traces patterns on my back.
"Alright, then, shower?"
"I want you Aniket, but I already can't walk. Since you were the one who did this to me, you have to carry me to the shower.
And don't you dare touch me with those hands."
"Just last night, you hated these hands. Now, you want them off of you because you can't control yourself. I did win the bet then. I made you insatiable for me." His hands tighten around my waist as he snuggles into the crook of my neck.
"You wish. I was just worried that if you touched me, you'd want me again."
He opened his mouth to retort and then stopped, without one.
He slapped my back and he smirk as I groaned.
Holy cow, I can't believe I like that.
When I moan, I cover my face, unable to face Aniket.
"Never knew you were into that sort of thing, sweetheart."
"Shut up." I wanted the earth to swallow me up.
Anytime now.
It was his turn to laugh at me. I just limped away from him, slamming the bathroom door at his face, embarrassed.
He was going to be the death of me, I thought, as I slumped against the wooden door and faced the ceiling, sighing in content and sweet pain.