"Brendon-"
"Hi."
Okay.
Well. This has 'Hallmark Movie Cliché' written all over it. Especially since he said, 'Hi,' before he kissed me. Not complaining about kissing him, don't get me wrong.
Even though this.. Kind of wrong.
And of course Elizabeth walks in and snickers.
"How cute," At this point, I don't know if she's teasing me or him or both of us. Probably both, if I'm being honest, "And scandalous. Though, I guess with you two, opposites tend to attract."
"Z?" Sometimes, I truly forget that people call her that, "Oh my god, I didn't know you were here," Of course he's blushing like the adorable person he is. Poor thing probably isn't used to doing things he shouldn't be doing.
"Don't worry, I'm not gonna run and tell Dallon," She giggles as she pats my shoulder from behind me, "Ryan would kill me."
She's half-right.
Morally, she would be completely correct in telling Dallon.
But nobody likes a snitch.
"I would not, you're too precious to me," I'm smiling at the fact that Brendon definitely hasn't been this confused in a good while and Elizabeth's smiling because, for once, I'm right.
"You two.. know each other?" Huh. Thought I mentioned that at some point. It's a pretty throwaway detail if you think about it. We've got some complicated history, but she's one of the best people I know.
What's left to explain?
"In a word, yes," Elizabeth slips away from me and I hear her soft footsteps start to wander elsewhere to eavesdrop, no doubt, "In a few more words, that's not the most important conversation that you two should be having right now."
"I'm sure this won't come as a shock to you, but she's right," I chuckle a bit as I let him inside from the slight and uncharacteristic breeze from outside. As uncharacteristic as the breeze may be, it's not unwelcome. It's Arizona. It's hot and hellish without proper air conditioning. Pretty simple stuff here, "Now, unless I imagined the last three minutes, I believe you just kissed me and I'm not the man you're marrying," I shrug slightly, but he's having a staring contest with his shoelaces with his hands shoved in his pockets. Kind of cowardly. Like a puppy that pissed on the couch and now he's in trouble, "Did I miss any details?"
"Ryan, you can't tell Dallon I did that. He.." He sighs lightly, "He doesn't know I'm here."
"What? Brendon," I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh more forcefully than him, "Don't cheat on him, okay? I know it's a tad late for that, but just.. Don't. Don't kiss me, don't lie to Dallon, and please.. God, don't you dare catch feelings for me. Alright?" I step right in front of him and lift his chin so his eyes slowly meet mine, but I keep my fingers against his skin. How selfish, "This isn't you. You don't do things like this. Don't ruin your life for me," But, please. Just look at me.. "I wouldn't dream of telling Dallon that you kissed me," Half of me smiles because he's so sorry and I can see how bad he wants everything to be okay and I want to be the one who makes all okay. But I can't, "And he didn't immediately block me, so I'm guessing you didn't tell him anything, either. But, you shouldn't have to hide things from him. I'm sorry I kissed you, I'm truly am, I shouldn't-"
"Wait, no, don't be sorry. I only came over here because you did that," God, what did I do? He's not drunk, he's not high, he's perfectly conscious, but he's completely lost his mind, "Dallon told me that you like me," I never explicitly told him that, "And he was so upset about it because he thought I cared because.. He loves me. He loves me so much and I- I.. God, what am I doing? I don't deserve him or you," Brendon Urie, I am going to cry if you cry, don't you do it.
"Don't you dare talk about yourself that way ever again," I cup his face in my hands to try and hold him together, to make a useless attempt at making him feel a little bit better. To gently wipe away the stray tears that slowly trickle down his porcelain cheeks. Knowing I put them there does something to me that I haven't felt in so long.. It fucking hurts, "Brendon Urie, you are not stupid, don't ever think of yourself that way. You deserve to be happy. My dear, you've just made a mistake," I chuckle weakly even though something inside me cracks as I look at him.. "That's all. You're allowed to make mistakes as long as you try to fix them. You love Dallon, don't you?" He doesn't immediately nod his head, "Don't you?" I ask again, softer this time. I'm not angry with him and I wouldn't want him to think I am, "Brendon?" God, he's breaking so much right in front of me. What did I say? What.. What did I do? "What? What's wrong?"
I pull him into a hug as he sobs on my shoulder and falls to pieces and I.. I just let him.
I don't talk, neither does he.
I don't have anything left to say.
There's something he's not telling me, but now isn't the time.
You cry all you want, darling. I'm right here.
~
"God, I'm so sorry."
"Don't apologise."
Not much time has passed. Enough for Brendon and I to find our way to my couch and have a debatably effective heart-to-heart.
Well, it was more like a barrage of unaccepted apologies.
"Look, if there's anything I've learned from the blonde in my kitchen who keeps stealing my shirts, it's that feelings just happen and trying to understand them is almost a waste of time. Notice how I haven't asked you why you kissed? It doesn't matter to me because I'd spend so much time trying to figure out why," I'm so close to him and I really shouldn't be, "I'd much rather concern myself with kissing you."
He looks at me expectantly. He expects me to kiss him.
And what's so wrong with me that I won't do it?
What's wrong with me is that I want to, but I know I won't.
"What do you think is gonna happen now, hm? What do you want to happen?" I'm genuinely curious because I don't think he would come over here just to get back at me for kissing him. He's not me. He would've left already.
"I don't know, I've never done anything like this before," Clearly. We're well past that confession, "Dallon's gonna hate me, that's what I'm really afraid of."
I scoff, but it melts into a smile. Dallon's a fun one. He's so two-faced. He's sweet to Brendon and definitely lets me know it when I'm over, and he makes an effort to be nice to me when Brendon's around. But. He said himself that he thinks I'm shady. Who's to say he's wrong? "Hate to break it to ya, Brendon, but take a number. Dallon already thinks I'm trying to take you from him."
"Really? I thought that.." He gets incrementally quieter as he speaks, as if the sentence he's about to say is embarrassing for one or both of us, "I didn't think that all, to be honest. I just thought we were just becoming friends until you kissed me and Dallon said something and everything just became so complicated."
Lightbulb.
Oh, great.
I wish I didn't have all the answers sometimes. That's what Elizabeth is for. She's smart and she rubbed off on me.
"Can I be honest with you?"
"When aren't you?" He smiles and it hurts, almost like when he was crying just a bit ago. Pain feels like pain. Both times, the pain hit me right in the chest. And it fucking hurts.
Stupid lightbulb.
"I don't think you like me at all. I don't think you love Dallon, either- And before you go ask Elizabeth where the knives are," He doesn't look offended, rather shocked, but just in case I've become illiterate in the art of reading faces, "Let me explain. Please?" He's quiet as he nods to let me continue, "Look.. Elizabeth can correct me if I'm wrong as she often does, but.. Okay, so you were with Dallon and then I came along, right? Then we got to be better friends, and frankly, I've loved getting to know you and I don't use that term loosely. But. Despite everything, despite our relationship, our friendship, whatever we are now.. You're Dallon's. Technically. I don't know if that's so true anymore. If you were really his, you never would've talked to me after I kissed you and you definitely wouldn't have come over here and kissed me," Not that I mind, but I can't say that or he'll do it, "If you loved him, I don't think you would've ever looked at me. But you said yes because you're afraid I'm right. Am I?"
"I don't know. I-I can't just stop loving Dallon in an instant by just having the willpower, it's not that easy."
He speaks so softly. He hesitates because he's choosing every single word so carefully because he doesn't want to hurt anyone.
Dallon.
He doesn't want to hurt Dallon.
Dallon's not even here.
Who am I gonna tell? Elizabeth? Who would she tell? Not Dallon.
"Bren, I know it's not that easy. I gotta tell you, it's so hard for me to accept the fact that I.." Cannot finish that sentence so let's work around it, "I feel.. the way I do about guys. And Elizabeth has been the best. Sh-She's the first person I felt like I was really in love with and she lets me still say that I love her. A part of me always will. In some way, I guess. A part of you can still love a person even if it changes and it doesn't feel quite the same anymore. Do you want to know just how I know that?"
He nods once. Twice.
By the third time, I've cupped his face in my hands and I could feel his smiling lips against mine. I could feel the slightest hint of heat in his cheeks and I could imagine the beautiful rosy tint painted from his cheeks to the tips of his ears and it took everything in me to not open my eyes. I didn't want to. I wanted to keep them closed because.. Well, there are so many parts of me, I discovered. So many of those parts have been hurt or damaged beyond any kind of repair, but Brendon, he.. God, just being near him is.. Kissing him does something to me. This time, it doesn't hurt or send an arrow of pain and guilt through my chest where my heart should be. I know I shouldn't be doing this, god, do I know it. But, damnit. I want to let myself enjoy this. This one thing. This one moment is mine. It's his. It's ours. It's.. shared. I share this moment with him, with this incredible, absolutely precious man I could never deserve in a million years.
I kissed him. He's kissing me back. I can feel it.
I can feel it from the moment he smiled against my lips, the way his hands hold my waist so carefully, like we're kids caught under the bleachers, both afraid of messing up one little thing. How could he do anything wrong? In my eyes, in my head, he will be as he always was to me.
Perfect.
And, boy. Does it suck to be Dallon Weekes today, folks.
Brendon slowly pulls away from me because if it were up to me.. I don't even know where else that kiss could've gone. Just like I predicted, he's rosy all over and the tips of his ears delight me the most. A silly little giggle leaks into his still shy tone as he speaks, "Can I be honest with you?"
Preferably.
"I sure hope so."
He chuckles a bit at my comment and lets his laugh relax him a bit. I'll take what I can get, "When I've kissed Dallon.. It's never felt like that."
Oh.
Oh.
Well.
Guess I still got it.
~
I DID IT. I ALSO KICKED MAJOR BUTT AT MY SPEECH TOURNAMENT TODAY!!!
HOPE Y'ALL LOVE THIS.
MORE TEA TO COME!
~RJ✨