"What about Ashton?"
I keep my face neutral, ignoring the million memories that flash through my mind at the thought of his name. I can imagine Sage sitting here, spilling his guts about my nonexistent relationship to take the attention off of him.
"None of your siblings ratted you out, his name has been mentioned unprompted all day. He seems to have a very big impact on your lives."
I chuckle dryly, slightly annoyed she could read me so easily. "You could say that."
I focus on the plaques hanging on her wall in uniform rows. I want to sit here, feel uncomfortable, answer the mandatory questions and leave. Not talk about the boy who was holding my hand 25 minutes ago.
"Obviously he means something to you." I remain silent. "Has he helped you move on in any way?"
I shrug, "I suppose."
She gives me a disappointed look. Sighing, I continue, knowing this should please her. "I've started talking to more people. I actually was out before this with people that weren't Ella and Stella."
I'm not going to tell her Gabe was one of those people because I feel like keeping that can of worms buried.
She hums, "That's an impressive improvement on its own." I smile a little to myself, it was. "How did he help you on the anniversary?"
My smile falls, "He didn't."
In my mind I can see him standing on my porch, the mixture of pain, anger, and hurt on his face. How fast he ran away from me.
It still pains me.
"Why was that?" She prompts. I purse my lips, something tells me she already knows the answer.
"I didn't tell him. He found out though."
She crosses her legs, creating new wrinkles in her black pants. "And why did you not tell him?"
I cross my arms over my chest, looking back at the wall. Because I'm a coward.
She clears her throat.
"I didn't see the need to. He's the first friend I've had in a while to actually remind me who I was. I didn't want pity."
She writes some things down, making me want to steal her pen. I've always hated that, it makes me uncomfortable to not know what she thinks about me.
"Isn't that what you want? For me to make new friends, stop isolating myself from the world?"
All I've heard for two years was that I needed to open up and now, once I finally do, it's not enough. Why try?
She looks at me, "There's a healthy way to make friends, Scarlett, hiding and lying to them is not the way to do it."
I focus on the ground. "I know that, I never said I didn't regret it."
The realization that I could've lost Ashton still haunts me. What would I do without him? A few months ago I never would imagine I'd be this worried over someone. Now here I am.
"How do you think Ashton feels about you?"
I bite my lips in remembrance of our kisses. The way he looks at me when he thinks I'm not paying attention, the smile I always sneak a glimpse at. "I'm not sure." She gives me a knowing look.
Why is Ashton so obsessed with her?
"We're friends, we tell each other everything."
She nods, clearly not fully satisfied with my answer. "And how do you feel about Ashton?"
I would be completely lost without him. I love the way my hand fits in his, like a tether anchoring me to reality. "I'm grateful that he's in my life." I never realized how lonely I was before.
She writes again as I toss a white throw pillow around, uncomfortable as the pen continuously scraps the paper.
"Do you think you'll ever enter a relationship with Ashton?" She prompts.
The pillow hits the floor, "Why are we still talking about Ashton?"
"He's obviously an important part of your life. I need to understand how much you've changed since October."
A lot. My mind flashes back to the day I ran into him in the hallway. The day that changed everything. Part of me wonders if I miss the girl I used to be. Quiet as a mouse in the back of the classroom, only ever speaking above a whisper to Ella, Stella, and Sage.
That girl never would've gone to a party. Stood up to Avery as often as I have now. Kissed a boy after a football game for the entire school to see. That girl would've never given someone like Ashton a second thought but I did.
I let one person change everything about me.
I think about her question, feeling stupid that it's been on my mind all day. "That won't ever happen."
"Why not? You clearly like each other." she states.
All I can see is Ashton's face, his infuriating smirk. The queasiness shifts into bubbles, making me want to smile.
His face is replaced with my siblings, the bubbles disappear.
Last week I chose Ashton over them, ignoring my responsibilities as their caregiver out of self pity. I even let Sage go to a party by himself, anything could've happened.
"My focus is on the kids. Between doctors, school, and sports I don't have time for anyone else. Ashton's young, his main focus should be going out and having fun, not waiting around for someone who will never be fully available." Not that I would even get the chance to deny him.
"Do you plan on putting yourself last forever?"
I square my shoulders defiantly, this question again. "I'm not putting myself last, I'm ensuring that their needs are met because they matter most in my life. No one else."
She clicks her tongue, not even attempting to hide her disapproval. "Do you not see the importance in having someone there for you?"
I glare at her, "I don't need to be coddled."
She holds my glare, for once dropping the act. "And I've been telling your for two years you can't do everything by yourself."
I flinch at her words as she writes some more things down, probably making a list of the things I've succeeded in and the things I'm failing at. Something tells me the second list is longer.
"How's your arrangement going?"
"Great. The changes were slow at first, you know that?" She nods her head. "But now everyone seems to be moving on. They're happier now."
My family has a new life in them, finally stepping out of the past.
"Are you happy with the arrangement?"
"Yeah, I wouldn't change it for the world."
She hums, "What about college?"
I frown, knowing exactly where she's going. "The community college is only twenty minutes away."
"Yes but Vanderbilt is forty." She counters.
My heart stops at the mention of my moms school. "I can't afford to be so far away."
"You could have help. Your Uncle is always an option. Perhaps one day you could give him custody, move on with your life."
I freeze, that's not something I saw coming at all. How could she even suggest something like that? While John is amazing, he travels constantly and he knows nothing about taking care of other people, let alone kids. No one knows them as well as I do.
She speaks like they're a burden to me, they are my everything. I lean back in the chair, I'm done talking for today.
*****
I walk into my house an hour and a half later, emotionally drained.
"I'm home!" I call, finding the house unnaturally quiet for a Friday night. There's no shouting or music blaring or video games playing. Something has to be wrong.
"Hello?" I try again, walking to the stairs slightly concerned. Footsteps sound behind me, revealing Ashton leaned up against the wall. "Where is everyone?"
"Twins took medicine and went to bed almost an hour ago. Sterling gave Saffron a bath and she actually put herself to sleep maybe twenty minutes ago, you might still be able to say goodnight."
I blink at him, surprised that he gave me such a thorough answer. I usually have to pry information out of Sage when he's in charge. "I'm so sorry you were by yourself. You could've gone home."
I wasn't planning on everyone going to bed, although I should've expected it.
He shrugs, pushing himself off the wall. "It's perfectly fine, I knew you'd be here soon enough." He scratches his facial hair that's grown thicker.
"Why'd you decide to grow it out?" I finally ask the question I've been wondering for the past week.
He drops his hand, "I don't know, I thought maybe a change was good. Why, do you not like it?"
It adds a rugged effect thats grown on me. "I like it."
I take a moment to admire him, my eyes wandering from his face. He's changed into sweatpants and a tank top, his arms on full display. My mouth dries up, the feeling I've been battling all day surging through me as I come to a realization.
He looks hot.
"I'm gonna go get changed." I point upstairs, tripping on the first step. Smooth.
I check on the kids, all three sleeping soundly, before going up to my room.
I take off my makeup and contacts, changing into leggings and a sweatshirt before hurrying back downstairs. I stop on the second floor, catching my reflection in a mirror. A smile I didn't even notice on my face.
After that night I had, I didn't think it was possible to smile.
"The twins ordered pizza," Ashton explains once I reach the kitchen, holding a box in his hands. "I hope that's ok."
I chuckle, even in pain they want pizza. I would've paid money to watch them struggle eating it.
"That's fine, what do you want to do?" It was almost 7:30. Sage won't be home for awhile if his vague text was any indication.
I go to the fridge and grab two bottles of soda, starving after such a long day. Honestly, I could crash right now. Last night I didn't fall asleep till three and we woke up at six thirty.
He drums his fingers on the box, smirking. "We did miss out on a movie."
We go up to my room, the best location to block out noise so we don't wake anyone up. I would suggest the basement but the twins and Sam have practically lived down there for the last week and I haven't cleaned it up yet. It's not a pretty sight.
"What do you want to watch?" I ask before biting into a piece of pizza.
Ashton plops himself onto my bed, making himself comfortable. "I've never seen Harry Potter."
My jaw drops, exposing my half chewed pizza. "Never?"
"Never." I throw a pillow at him. "It just didn't seem interesting."
Not interesting, what's next? He doesn't find The Office funny.
Those movies are a classic. Honestly, everyone should at least watch one before making up their mind.
I start on my second slice while trying to find the movie. I crawl into bed before pressing play, very aware of Ashton's presence next to me. My body stays tense, hugging my knees as I fast forward through previews, not wanting to lean into him.
I can't forget what I thought earlier, biting my lip hard enough to draw blood, my focus can't be on Ashton.
The theme music starts and I hum along, giddy for the movie to begin. Ashton laughs, causing me to pull my attention away from the tv. Does he not understand this is a very important movie?
"What?"
"You're cute when excited." He states like it's the most casual thing ever.
I shove him, thankful the darkness hides my blush. "Just watch the movie."
He pulls me close, my back is leaning against him rather than my headboard, his forearm across my chest. Any awkwardness I felt vanishes.
I'm just over thinking, everything between us is completely fine and normal.
*****
My eyes begin to feel heavy as the movie plays, blinking to keep them open. I can't fall asleep now, we're only half way through. I need to see his reaction at the end. I adjust myself, my hands resting on his arm. I risk a glance at Ashton to find a look of awe on his face so different from his usual smugness.
Looks like someone's enjoying the movie.
Ashton shifts his focus to me, as if feeling my eyes on him. I attempt to smirk but a yawn cuts me off.
"I can go if you need to sleep." He offers but I shake my head, tightening my grip on his arm.
"No, I want to see your reaction." I'm going to make him into a Harry Potter fan if it's the last thing I do.
I lay my head back against him, closing my eyes for a second.
*****
I feel my body being carried, pressed against a solid surface. The rustling of sheets filling the silence before I'm placed under the covers. My glasses pulled off my face as something soft brushes my forehead.
"Good night, Sweetheart."
I blink, making out Ashton's retreating figure. Of course I fell asleep. I reach out and grab his hand causing him to stop. He looks back at me.
"Did you like the movie?" I mumble, keeping my eyes open a real struggle.
I'm already fading back into sleep as he gives his reply, "Yeah, I loved it."
*****
11K reads!!! I screamed not gonna lie.
Xo-Mo