Something tickles my face, waking me up from my first decent night of sleep in weeks.
I look back and freeze. Ashton is asleep. In my bed. With his arm thrown over my waist.
What the hell happened last night?
Everything comes flooding back to memory. Four drunken teenagers on New Years Eve. Ashton and I sorta making up not that he will remember anything in his state.
I try to slip from my bed but it's useless, I'm stuck under his arm. I reach for my phone as Ashton shifts in his sleep, pulling me backwards. You've got to be kidding me. I need to put pants on, like, now.
Maybe I can wiggle my way out.
I try to subtly move out from his arm but he shifts again, moving me underneath him. There's no escaping this. Maybe I should wake him up and he can deal with his hangover as punishment.
I poke his face softly to see how he'll react. He doesn't budge.
Honestly, now that I'm staring at him, Ashton looks really cute when he's sleeping. He's not talking. However, I'm not sure how I feel about the facial hair.
I stop admiring him and poke harder. Nothing.
"Ashton." Poke. "Wake." Poke. "Up." Poke. I try to keep my voice down incase anyone's awake downstairs. I don't need anyone walking in while I'm stuck like this.
I go to poke him again but his hand stops mine. "Sweetheart, if you poke me one more time, I'm going to be very, very annoyed." He mummers gruffly.
My voice is gone, he sounds hot. I don't realize I'm gaping until he closes my mouth. "Can I help you?" He asks smugly with that stupid smirk. God, I missed that insufferable smirk.
His body's relaxed now, raising my leg, I smile, "Yes, you can get the fuck off me." And with that I kick him off of me.
However, I underestimated the strength of my left leg. Instead of landing next to me, Ashton lands on the floor with a thud.
Whoops.
He grunts in pain as he crawls back onto my bed. Returning to the position we were in literally seconds ago.
Did that fall give him brain damage?
"Ash, for real, we need to get up. I'm pretty sure Ella's thrown up three times by now and it's not gonna clean itself up."
I've seen Ella drunk numerous times since one beer can do the trick and she has the worst hangovers known to mankind. A 24 hour headache, red eyes, and vomit. Lots of vomit. The fact she's never been caught by her parents is concerning.
He just yawns and rests his head on top of mine, mindlessly playing with my hair. "That's not your problem."
I swat his hand away, slightly enjoying it and slightly annoyed. "It is when it's my house."
That seems to wake him up. I'm released from his arms and I get up, forgetting I'm not wearing pants. I can feel Ashton's eyes on me so I flip him off as I hobble into my closet. After putting on leggings, I awkwardly jump towards my crutches then to my bathroom.
"Do you need help?" He asks from the bed.
"Nope." I reply, shutting the bathroom door.
Holy shit, I'm a mess. My mind is buzzing a million miles an hour, so much physical touch.
I splash cold water on my face before washing it. I scrub my teeth and attempt to fix my hair to no success. The electrical socket look is cute, right? With one last affirmative glance in the mirror I enter my room again. Ashton's by my wall, holding a picture of my parents.
"We need to talk."
I suck on my teeth as I sit on the bed. "You may want to sit." I tell him patting the spot next to me. It's gonna be a long story.
He doesn't move, I run my fingers through my hair. Where to start? I study the picture he's holding, it's my parents in front of their first apartment. The beginning, I suppose.
"My parents met when they were fifteen, their names were Katharine and Mateo. My dad moved here from Florida before the start of freshman year and my mom had lived here her entire life. She hated him at first, for all the right reasons of course." I laugh remembering the story as they told it.
"Why was that?" he asks, forgetting about the picture to fully face me.
"He was arrogant. Annoying. Loud. And way to charming. He literally bumped into her for the first time at a football game, he played and she cheered. She assumed he was just a rude jock. He thought she was a rich brat. They both were wrong in the end."
I let out a deep breath, "Freshman year they became friends, the best of friends. Sophomore year my grandfather passed and my mom was the first person he called. Whenever my Mom got into a fight with her parents she went to Dads." They helped each other with everything in life.
"When did they become more than friends?" Ashton questions, resting on the edge of the bed.
I smile, "It depended on who you asked. Dad swears they were a thing by the end of sophomore year. Mom, on the other hand, said it wasn't until Thanksgiving break of their junior year when they went ice skating. That's where they said I love you first."
That was something they always debated. Dad claimed she was oblivious while Mom claimed he overestimated his skills.
Ashton seems deep in thought so I continue, "They stayed together through high school. Sophomore year Uncle John moved in with dad and the three of them did everything together. When college came dad got a baseball scholarship to Stanford and mom's only option for college was Vanderbilt since that's the only school Earl would pay for. They never doubted each other so they stayed together and their junior year dad proposed. Earl and Edna threw a fit and eventually skipped the wedding. Dad got drafted into the Majors his junior year."
Ashton's eyes go wide at this, it's definitely a bit of a shock.
"He made it to the pros as a pitcher, playing six years. We lived in Oak Hill when I was born, my mom staying with dad's mom since he was away so much. When I was five his arm blew out. He had surgery but it wasn't the same so he hung the cleats up. He wasn't sad though, in his mind he had it made. A wife who loved him and two children, another pair on the way. So we moved into this house and he finally got to put his degree to work by partnering with uncle John in his rising development company. He was an environmental engineer, hence our middle names."
Ashton seems completely entranced, for once remaining completely still.
"Mom became an artist like she always dreamed. She did everything from commissioned pieces to murals but her original art was my favorite. She started small but grew over the years. She was creative, always thinking of new concepts and ways to showcase emotions. That park you once asked me to go to was where she would go paint in her free time. That was Sage's favorite thing to do with her. She even painted pictures the way my dad would see them since he was color blind. She worked from home so she was always with us, I was painting before I could walk. It was as natural as breathing."
I smile wistfully before continuing, "The twins showed up and we thought life was complete. I started school and a year later Sage did too. Eventually we found out he was dyslexic and I was advanced so they made the decision to switch us to Riverview. There we met the Mackenzie's and the Hollens. Our families got along wonderfully and life was great. Dads job was successful and Mom was like superwoman, always staying on top of her jobs while doing everything for us."
I sigh knowing the sad parts were coming up, "We accepted our family was complete just before mom found out she was pregnant again. Eight months later Saffron came into the world, early but dad insisted she was right on time. For five years our life was pretty much the same. It was chaotic and wild but we loved it. Nothing that ever happened was bad enough to ruin my parents day. No fight the five of us had was too big. Happiness was always the first thing my parents talked to us about in the morning and the last thing we thought about at night."
Happiness is an emotion but pursuing it is a choice. They told us that all the time, words I've forgotten the past two years now that I think about it.
"Two years ago, my Uncle John threw a work party to celebrate the holidays on the 26th since his flight from Jamaica had been pushed back. I begged them not...I..." Automatically tears form. Before my nightmare, I hadn't thought about this night since I decided to move out of Karen's house. I couldn't afford to think about it. Ashton reaches out for my hand and I refuse. I smile apologetically at him, needing to do this by myself. "I begged them not to go. I was supposed to babysit and I wanted to go to Bennett's instead. We had gotten into a big fight and I took it out on my parents. I was so selfish to put him over them, I would give anything to go back." His face morphs into pain, I look away.
"They insisted they had to go because it was Uncle John's and that they would be home around midnight. Midnight passed and they didn't show up. I just assumed they had stayed later. John showed up at our house frantically knocking on the front door. All he told me was grab the kids and get in the car. So I did."
I try to blink back the tears but it's like someone's turned on a water faucet, tears are everywhere. After several deep breaths I continue, "He thought we would get a chance to say goodbye." I ball my fist up, digging it into my leg. "We were too late. Dad died in the ambulance and mom died as soon as I got to her room."
I don't look at Ashton's face because I know I wouldn't be able to finish the story.
"A drunk driver hit them going thirty over the limit. Neither one of my parents had a lick to drink that night and yet they were the ones who ended up dead."
I wipe my tears again but at this point it's useless, "The Will stated Karen had custody of us and after a long debate she took us in. We were miserable. Saffron did nothing but cry. The twins became so attached to the other it was unhealthy. Sage became a ghost. And me-"
Finally, I look him dead in the eyes, he needs to understand how I felt. "I didn't talk to anyone for almost three months. I was in shock. I only ate when Ella or Stella forced me to. I didn't allow myself to process the information because I had to be there for everyone else. I was stoic. When Karen gave me the option to move out so she didn't have to deal with us I pounced on it. I knew no one was happy and the kids needed to get back to normal to move on."
This time, when he reaches for my hand, I don't fight him. I start to trace lines on the back of his palm to ease my mind, "I had to learn to drive before we could move out and honestly I almost refused to take the test. I had a panic attack every time I got behind the wheel. Eventually I was able to pass the test. That was pretty much it, I was 16 and raising my four younger siblings by myself."
I pause to catch my breath and Ashton says nothing. I was expecting something. A wow. That's crazy. Why didn't you tell me this months ago?
I glance back up at his face to find pity is written all over it, reminding me exactly why I didn't tell him. I hate pity. It makes me feel like no one actually sees me because they're to preoccupied with my life sob story.
I especially hate seeing pity on Ashton's face.
"I didn't tell you because I liked being treated like a normal person. You didn't treat me like I was broken glass. You aggravated me to no end and that was when I barely knew you." I laugh a little, remembering our early banter. "I thought eventually you would make new friends and leave my little group because, for the last two years, that's all my life's consisted of. But you didn't and we became friends and life got confusing. I tried to tell you, everyone told me to but I couldn't."
I know it's a lie the second I say it and lying got me into this mess in the first place.
"I was selfish." I blurt out and when Ashton looks at me confused I elaborate. "It wasn't that I couldn't tell you, I wouldn't tell you. I choose to be selfish when it came to you and I'm sorry. It led to me lying to you and I knew it was wrong but I still did it. I didn't want you to think I was weak."
I dropped his hand feeling like a pathetic loser but everything was on the table. Everything. I had nothing else to hide from him and no matter how he reacts I deserve it. Ashton lifts me up and places me in his lap. I'm silent as he wipes my tears and brushes my hair behind my ears.
"I think you're the strongest person I know." He whispers. "I'm sorry."
Part of me wants to hit him, what does he have to be sorry for?
"I overreacted. I have a sour spot when it comes to lying." He explains and there's something about the shift in his voice that keeps me from prying. Whenever he's ready I'll listen.
There's a long pause and I think the conversation but Ashton clears his throat. "I told you I never met my father."
I nod my head, remembering the day in the park. I was crying then too. God I really need to stop with this.
"That wasn't true, I wish it was but it isn't. When I was 15 my father found me and showed back up, asking for visitation rights. Told my mom he had the right to know me." Ashton laughs dryly.
Part of me wants to stop him because I think I know how the story ends. There's no positive outcome.
"Mom tried to warn me that he was an addict, that's why he left in the first place. I didn't listen. I was a teenager who had spent 15 years wondering why I wasn't good enough, not that I didn't already have everything I could possibly need. Mark is my dad, I was just too stupid to understand blood doesn't mean shit."
His hand begins to fiddle with my hair to distract himself. "The visits went well, or so I thought. He started out small, bringing me gifts and asking about my life. I loved it. What I didn't notice happening was the way my behavior shifted."
He shakes his head, regret all over his face. "It was subtle at first. Talking back to mom and Mark. Not doing homework or studying for tests. Smarting off without caring what would happen next." He shrugs, "Those are all minor things but eventually the talking back turned into full blown screaming matches and doing the opposite of everything my parents asked of me. Skipping homework went to skipping classes and school in general. Fights became a regular occurrence, if it wasn't for the fact my mom's cousin was the principal I would've been expelled after three months."
He closes his eyes, squeezing them tightly. "At one point I even resented Ronnie. I hated her and wanted nothing to do with being her brother."
I let those words sink in, picturing the boy who loved his little sister more than life itself. Ronnie is Ashton's world.
"It was all my fathers influence. It wasn't until I was 17, friendless, and expelled from school that I realized what he had done to me. Two years of constant lying and manipulation ruined my life. Honestly, I thought my parents were going to ship me off to military school."
Anger floods through me, how could anyone do that to their child? To use and manipulate with no regret or remorse. It's disgusting.
He stops for a moment and I can tell he's debating something. He squeezes his eyes shut before continuing, "I put a kid in the hospital."
My jaw drops to the floor, Ashton focuses on my window, looking away from me.
"I had gotten into a fight with my parents. My dad had just been arrested and I was angry at the world. The kid was an asshole but what I did to him was beyond anything I thought I was capable of doing. I was a monster."
I take a minute to process those words, imagining how hard he'd have to hit someone to hurt them that bad. But then I remember who Ashton is.
My hand reaches up, pulling his face back to me. "You're not that person."
He nods his head as my thumb brushes a tear off his face. The fact he's so bothered by it proves he's not a monster.
"My mom's cousin recommended we start over and Riverview was the first place she told mom about."
He's silent for a couple minutes and I think the story's over when he clears his throat.
"I wasn't just an asshole that day because of the Ronnie situation. The Dean had me in for a meeting to remind me that my old behavior wasn't tolerated. Here I was trying to start over and he wanted to hold me to my past. When we hit each other in the hallway, I was going to leave. I didn't want to be in some nice school in a new state pretending I was someone I wasn't. But then you yelled at me and I realized that no one ever really bothered to oppose me. Every guy wanted to be my friend and every girl wanted to get with me but it was just to say they knew Ashton McClain. No one ever bothered enough to get ugly with me. So I went to first period and you walked in, late and angry, and I was intrigued. The same girl who just yelled at me was now sitting in the back of the classroom with her eyes focused on the table. First period turned into third and then lunch and then sixth and next thing I know I stayed for the entire day. All because I wanted to understand you, get to know the real you. Then I actually went to football practice because Sage told me he would love for me to play."
I blink, trying to understand what he was insinuating. All I did was explode my morning of pent up emotions on him. But in some strange way I saved Ashton the same way he saved me.
"When Avery told me I instantly thought she was lying but then everyone showed up and the look on Ella's face confirmed it all. When I saw you I forgot for a moment why I was even there, you were a mess." I cringe remembering how disgusting I looked, "Rightfully so of course. But then you admitted to it and all I could focus on was the lies. I didn't listen to you and I should've. I was mad at you for lying and I was mad at myself for being an ass, that I just left."
He pauses for a breath, "I didn't know how process everything until Stella showed up in my room yesterday and gave me the lecture of my life. Then I went to the party with them and drank myself silly because I was nervous thinking about what I was gonna say to you. Then I ended up here, which I'm also sorry about because I'm sure I was the last person you wanted to see. Especially after drinking, another thing I'm beyond sorry for-."
I can't help but notice he's rambling again. I reach up and peck him on the cheek, he stops talking mid thought. "It's ok, you don't owe me an explanation for anything. I'm sorry for how I handled my situation. Let's just move on, deal?"
We weren't moving into a clean slate, this time we know everything about each other and there's no secrets. The slate is as messy as messy can be but it's honest.
"Deal, Sweetheart." He mummers, nuzzling his head into my hair.
I listen to see if anyone is awake downstairs but I can't hear a thing, perhaps sleeping off their hangovers is the best option. Ashton is even beginning to doze off again. Thinking of last night reminds me of Ashton crying.
I poke his chest, "You're an emotional drunk in case you already didn't know."
He coughs uncomfortably, "What exactly did I say last night?"
I purse my lips, "You declared your undying love for me of course."
I feel him freeze, "I did what?"
"I'm kidding, you idiot." I tease him, resting my head against his chest. His steady heartbeat lulling me back to sleep.
I could stay like this forever.