I wake up, unsure of where I am.
I'm in Sage's room, but not. The walls are an awful shade of bubblegum pink, they haven't been that color since this was my room. It's not until I hear heels clicking in the hallway do I understand I am in my old room. I'm dreaming. I look down at myself, wearing a T-shirt I threw in the back of my closet the night after-
A chilling feeling washes over me, this isn't just a dream, this is the night my parents died.
My own personal hell.
My mom appears wearing a gorgeous red dress, her curls effortlessly perfect. I'm stunned by her beauty, people insist we look identical but I'm nothing compared to her. She crawls onto my bed for a hug, her flowery perfume filling my nose. I begrudgingly hug her back, my heart falling as I fight against myself. Why didn't I hug her tighter?
"I know you're mad at me." She whispers into my hair, "It's safer for you to stay here. Bennett surely can understand that."
I don't say anything to her, the rude text Bennett sent me the only thing on my mind. What an idiot.
"I love you, Scarlett, more than you could ever know." She presses a kiss onto my forehead, looking over at the phone I threw across the room. "One day you'll find someone who loves you even more than I do." Even now, I scoff at this, except now I know I don't deserve that love.
"I love you too." I mutter. Why didn't I say it louder?
Dad knocks on the door, straightening his tie, a spitting image of Sage. "Kitty, we have to go. Johns already texted me three times and the party hasn't even started yet."
He walks up to my bed, I avoid his eyes. "What, no hug?"
Slowly, I allow him to engulf me in a hug, his facial hair scratching my cheek. "I love you, Princess, I'll try to steal some cookies from the buffet table just for you."
"Love you, Dad." I don't mention the cookies.
They walk to the door, lingering in the frame to watch me. I want to scream for them to come back, but I can only watch the scene play out. I wish I had paid more attention to the smile lines on my moms face or how my dad's eyes crinkled when he looked at us, full of so much love.
Next thing I know, I'm in the tv room, watching a movie with my siblings. The doorbell rings frantically and I get up from the couch, telling the boys to stay put. No one should be at our house, especially after midnight. I want to laugh now, remembering how I hoped it was Bennett.
I open the door, Uncle John on the other side. I look behind him, trying to figure out where my parents are. It takes me a moment to notice the tears streaming down his face, Uncle John never cries.
"Bean, I need you guys to get in the car." When I just stand there he wipes the tears off his face, "Please."
I nod, slightly terrified at the sight of my uncle so broken. We get in the car, a nagging thought in the back of my mind.
"What's wrong?" I finally ask, my voice shaking.
His grip on the steering wheels tightens, his tan knuckles turning white. "There's been an accident."
"What do you mean?" He doesn't say anything. "What do you mean?" I repeat myself, a crack in my voice. Deep down, I knew what he meant but I didn't want to believe it. There was no way.
"Your mom and dad got hit, we're going to visit them now." I remember watching the twins latch themselves onto Sage, Saffron oblivious to the situation as Uncle John whispers, "Everything will be ok, guys."
I want to scream at him, nothing will ever be ok again.
We get to the hospital, running down the halls. I distinctly remember Uncle John asking where they were before running again, I leave them all behind. I run into the room, Mom's body lying limp on the bed. Blood and bruises covering her like paint of after a day of working.
A single beep fills the room, I shake my head. Doctors rush past me, one nurse tries to pull me from the room. "Ma'am, you can't be in here."
I brush her off of me, "Mom!" I yell, taking a step towards her. "Mommy?"
Arms wrap around me, pulling me from the room, I watch the door close.
*****
I jump from my bed, sweat soaking my body, damp strands of hair stuck to my face. My heart pounds in my chest, fighting to escape. I gasp for air, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat. My stomach churns and I run from my bed, completely ignoring my ankle as I try to make it to the bathroom.
I get sick, the acid burning my throat. As I lay on the cold tile, not bothering to get back up, I'm forced to come to reality. My parents died two years ago.
Two years of missed birthdays, food fights, first days of school, and sporting events that they'll never get to experience. Two years since I last felt my mother's lips pressed against my forehead. Heard my dad tell me he loved me.
I realize now that I took it all for granted, their love. A parent is supposed to guide you through the mess we call life, often telling us the things we don't want to hear but need to. They did that for me and I didn't want to hear it, now I would kill for their advice.
I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. Anger? Sadness? Grief? All I feel is empty, like someone's popped me open and poured me out. Just as I accept nothing's left, I begin to cry and I'm reminded all over again that while I may feel empty there are plenty of tears.
It starts silent but eventually the screams come. I muffle them with my fist but nothing stops them. I hug my body tightly and form a ball so small that I feel invisible.
Maybe if I stay this way I can disappear forever.
I cry as the emptiness spreads. My limbs go numb and my eyes sting but I can't stop.
Eventually, when my shirt is soaked with tears to the point that I'm freezing, I get up and hobble to my closet. I find the sweatshirt Ashton gave me the day I picked Saffron up and put it on. He won't be here but this is close enough.
The crying gives me a headache and I face an ultimatum. I can attempt to go downstairs or stay here and have a migraine. I choose to hold my crutches and slide down the stairs.
In the kitchen, I have to force the pills down my throat. I contemplate eating but I don't feel hungry. I'm not really feeling anything at all.
It's 6:30 and the sun is beginning to rise. Did I really cry for hours, it was just after midnight when I woke up. On my way back upstairs I stop on the second floor, face to face with a bunch of pictures. The one of my mom and I on my first birthday catches my eyes and somehow I can feel tears springing back up as I take it in. My birthday party was held late since mom went into labor with Sage the day before my actual birthday. Even after just having a baby my mom looked flawless. Her eyes bright with happiness as I smash a handful of cake onto her face.
At the end of the hallway is the door to my parents room. No one's gone through this door since we moved back in. Something pulls me towards the door, my hand reaching to open it when I hear sniffling. At first, I think it's Sage but he's still asleep along with the twins. I begin to think I'm going crazy when I check Saffrons room.
She's softly crying in her bed, oblivious to my arrival. I stare at her small frame, not knowing what to do. When it comes to my family, I feel everything.
"Hey squirt." I whisper, sitting on her bed.
She tries to wipe her eyes but I stop her and pull her into my lap. That's one habit she's picked up from me that I need her to stop. I don't say anything for a while, knowing nothing I say can change how she feels. Until she's ready I'll just hold her.
I play with her hair as she sucks on her thumb, another bad habit we broke last year.
"Did mommy love me?" Saffron eventually asks, her head buried into my shoulder.
My heart breaks into a million little pieces. I forget Saffron was only five when they died. So much has changed and she has so little to remember them by in the first place.
"Why would you ever ask that? Mommy and Daddy loved you so much." I squeeze her into me with each word.
Saffron was a surprise. After the twins, my parents thought they had a complete family but then out of the blue mom got pregnant. Something that was supposedly impossible, and Saffron entered our lives. She was, and still is, our miracle.
"Because Ronnie's mommy tells her she loves her everyday and I realized that I can't remember Mommy telling me she loved me."
I assure her over and over again but deep down I know my words will never be enough. My words are nothing to her. I wait for her to fall back asleep but she doesn't. She clings to my body for comfort, her tears drying out.
Eventually, I hear the twins wake up and go into Sages room. It's official, we're all awake and utterly miserable.
I decide I need to tell them where I am before they go upstairs and freak out. Saffron, who is in no state to be alone, climbs onto my back and I walk into the hallway, my crutches echoing off the walls.
I stop in front of the same picture, Saffron's words stuck in my head. How can I prove mom loved her and give her back some memories. The door at the end of the hall screams to me. And suddenly, I have an idea.
I do my best to speed up, reaching the boys quicker than I thought possible. Their eyes are all red rimmed and tear stained.
"Sage, Silver go to my room and get my boxes full of pictures and my computer. Sterling go get your computer with all the home movies."
I turn and head for our parents bedroom feeling like a woman on a mission, "Why?" Sage asks, his voice sounding stuffy.
"Because, if I'm going to cry it might as well be over something happy."
My mourning phase is nowhere near over but, if I want my siblings to move on, I need to remind them of the good. Saffron deserves more than words from us when she can hear our parents say it themselves.
About six months ago, the twins found all of our old family films and decided to convert them onto the computer to have forever. I never paid much attention to it because it hurt to hear but now it's stupid I've never watched them.
Sterling runs back into the hallway, his eyes wide as he heads to the tv room.
"We're going in here." I tell him, opening the door to the master bedroom. Our parents bedroom.
He gulps and for a moment I think he won't go but slowly Sterling takes a step. And then another before he's standing at the threshold absolutely terrified. I understand why, this room is like a time capsule. Completely untouched and 100 percent still our parents.
"You don't have to, we can go to the tv room." I offer sincerely, already moving down the hall.
His blue eyes glance up at me, our moms eyes, and he shakes his head. "I can do this." I hear the part he doesn't say, he needs to.
Turns out Sterling made a special film with every clip in chronological order, starting with our parents high school years. For the second time today, I regret not paying more attention to this interest of his.
Sage and Sterling join us and after a long pause of just staring at the bed we sit down. I gasp, realizing it feels just the same. How many nights did I spent curled up in the bed, hounding my parents for attention?
We put the film on the tv, becoming completely amazed as silly high school clips appear of them at prom and at high school graduation appear on the screen. We see my parents when they're my age without a care in the world. Their wedding, beautiful and small, just the way they liked it. Dad's major league debut, mom screaming behind the camera. Then I came along and hearing my mom tell me she loved me from the first time brings tears to my eyes. We hold onto each other, our tears landing on the blanket.
There was never a dull moment. Paint was everywhere and things were broken but they always laughed. Fights broke out and tears were shed but they always reminded us of our love.
When the clips appeared where they discovered they were pregnant with Saffron she perks up. Then we see how they told us, pink balloons covering our entire kitchen. The messages we insisted on leaving her to the moment mom got to hold her and everything after.
Every time Saffron heard the words I love you, she smiles a little more and I know this was the right decision.
The film ends on Christmas morning two years ago. The five of us running wild with excitement in the background as mom sits on dads lap, just like she did in high school.
"Thank you for this life." She tells him, a small smile on her face
He kisses her cheek, "Thank you."
And then it ends.
We sit in silence for a while to process all of our emotions. There's a lot, but I'm happy. For the first time in two years I can smile at the thought of my parents. The sadness is there but the agony has subdued.
I grab Sterlings hand, giving him an affirmative squeeze.
"What was dad's favorite color?" Saffron asks.
I laugh before answering, "Violet." It was the color mom wore the first time he saw her. The questions flood in after that and we try our best to answer, Saffron deserves to know these things.
So much time has passed that I'm not surprised when a knock sounds at the door.
Ella mentioned she would be bringing food by, undoubtedly an excuse to make sure we're ok. I have a dire need to stretch my legs so I insist on sliding down the stairs.
I pass a mirror on my way to the door, pausing to see how I look. My hairs a wild mess still in yesterday's braids. My face is red, blotchy and swollen, snot dried on my face and sweatshirt.
I'm a mess but I'm okay with it.
I sluggishly open the door, shielding my eyes from the sun. "Hey Ell-"
I stop short as my eyes adjust to the light, taking in Ashton as he stares at me, his breathing ragged.
Oh shit.
*****
I sobbed writing this, so much pain in only 2500 words. Also just hit 1000 comments and I just want to say thank you guys <3
There's a change in POV next chapter hope you're ready...
Xo-Mo