Siyabonga
Today was the last day of high school. I should have been along with all my peers excited and nervous about life after school but I wasn't . I dreaded stepping onto the grounds of our school today. My eyes were puffy and stung with more tears . My parents have been worried about me since I came home from school yesterday. They could always tell I was hiding something from them just with one look but this time they did not question me or maybe they thought I wept for the friendships I was sure to lose after parting ways with my peers. Morning drives with baba and I were always filled with chatter or the sound of the radio with my favorite station on today it was filled with a depressing silence.
When the car finally made the dreaded stop in the parents parking lot at school. I mumbled a goodbye to baba as I pulled my school bag onto my back and walked slowly to the matrics lounge.
Luckily my friends and Siya, my boyfriend weren't here yet so I picked a table far from my peers and their excited chatter and settled on a chair and plugged on my headphones and drowned my sorrows in my music.
At 7:50 as per normal the door opened and Siya walked in with his twin sister Sbongile and they looked to be bantering as per normal. I watched as his eyes roamed the room and when our eyes met the smile wiped off his face and he made his way over to me.
"Hey baby . What's the matter?" He asked picking me up and placing me on the table and he stood before me. I'd taken my headphones off the minute he walked into the room and I was now fidgeting with them trying to hold back the tears.
"Siya I'm sorry. Please don't hate me ." I croaked . I'd been crying so hard my voice was now hoarse. Despite my attempts to hold them back the tears rolled down my cheeks. "Babe wam' why would I hate you. You're the love of my life." And just like that he had me cracking a smile despite the tears staining my face. "Siya I'm pregnant. I found out yesterday. I'm so afraid. Please don't leave me . I won't be able to do this alone ...Siy.." I tried to carry on but choked on a sob.
"Hey..hey. Shush . Don't cry ." He whispered pulling me into his arms and my body shook with sobs as I clung onto him. When I'd calmed down he gently pulled me away and cupped my face aligned it with his. " I won't ever leave you. Is the prospect of being parents at such a young age scary ? Of course it is but we have each other, our love and that'll be enough for the three of us. I love you and our baby. We were going to have babies any way we just had him a little sooner than expected." His words brought me comfort and my love for him grew that much stronger . "You're really fine with it?" I asked uncertainly. "Yes in fact I'm happy about it and I'll prove it." I looked at him confused and then he whistled getting everyone's attention. "Hey guys! I'm going to be a dad! " he announced. The entire room grew silent and then after a second someone began to applaud from a group of guys in the corner and then it spread to the rest of the room and then everyone cheered and began banging on the desks.
I chuckled at their behavior nestling my head in Siya's neck but glad they didn't shun us like I'd expected. " You know what? Marry me." He whispered. I carried on laughing thinking he was joking but the he moved my head and looked at me . " I mean it Thabile. I love you. I don't see myself loving anyone else but you so would you do me the honor of marrying me?"
Once again everyone was quiet this time in ancipation of my response. "Yes! I'll marry you a thousand times over." I squealed jumping into his arms.
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That was seven years ago. Today we sat on either side of the table in our kitchen unhappy looks on both our faces.
We sat there for a long time both engrossed in our self destructive thoughts until he finally spoke.
"I'm seeing someone else. I want a divorce."
A deeper silence ensued after his words.
I nodded ,got up and pushed my chair in.
"Thabile are you going to say something." He asked slowly and hesitantly like he always did when he was scared I'd overreact.
"You just obliterated my life in two sentences Siya forgive me if I don't give you the satisfaction of seeing me cry." I said grabbing my car keys and driving off to fetch our son , Sphesihle, from pre-school.
Sihle chattered animatedly about his day at school and I pretended to listen and adding in my feigned awe where necessary until we got home.
"Babazi's home!" He squealed rushing out of the car and made a beeline to the house. I walked in and three suitcases were packed and Siya was crouched down in front of a Sihle
Who was slowly tearing up and picked him up and Sihle clung onto him for dear life."Of course I love you Mfana wam' but I just can't stay. " He then turned to me. "I accepted a job in Australia. I'll be leaving in a week."
Again I just nodded. "Come on Sihle daddy has to go." I whispered swallowing the hurt and utter betrayal I felt right now. "Please don't go Babazi please! I'll stop wetting the bed. I won't steal anymore sweets." I felt the tears stinging my eyes at his desperate tone as we both pryed him off of Siya.
He was hysterical by now. "I'll brush my teeth every night!" Siya walked out with two suitcases and reemerged to take the last one. "I'll stay in my bed the whole night. I'll stop asking if I can sleep with you and mamazi. Babazi just don't go! Don't leave! I love you! " he screeched trying to break out of my hold.
I could tell Siya was also growing teary now he came over and kissed him on the cheek and walked out the door. When I heard the car engine roaring outside I finally let Sihle go. He pulled the door open and chased the car as far as his little legs would let him which wasn't very far before he tripped and fell scrapping his knee but he didn't care he got up and pursued his chase even though the car was no longer in sight.
When he grew tired he walked back to the house slowly with great dejection written all over his face. I met him at the veranda and wrapped him in my arms and we both cried for our loss. He cried until he fell asleep in my arms.
For the next couple of months he had nightmares where he'd scream for his father and when he arose and I was the one to walk into the room and not his dad to comfort him I felt his little heart break each time and with each passing day the confident extroverted little boy with a personality larger than life withdrew into himself and he grew very angry.
I allowed myself to wallow in self pity for three weeks after Siya left me. Crying myself to sleep , putting on a facade of happiness only when in Sihle's presence , I didn't eat nor could I sleep. I just kept on vomiting my guts out and that's when I learnt I was two months pregnant as if my life couldn't get any harder but she was my salvation because when I learnt I was pregnant I knew I couldn't just pretend to be happy I had to find my equilibrium again without Siyabonga and as hard as it might be it needed to be done because I'd soon be a mother to two people and they'd need their mother.
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My parents and Siya's as well were a great help through out my pregnancy and helping me get back on my feet. I finally completed my honors degree in Forensic Sciences as heavily pregnant as I was. I saw to Sihle have his first day of school. He looked so handsome in his uniform my favorite item was the blazer.
Khanya was born February 10th, all 4,4kg of her. She looked so much like her father. There's not even a single feature she inherited from me. The first time I held her I cried and that was the last time I cried for or because of Siyabonga.
With Khanya in our lives Sihle and I were that much happier. He grew less angry and he laughed a little more. I was so happy with his change in attitude.
We even moved to a new house to reinstate our new beginning. It was more or less the same size as the old one but this one had a bigger yard. My brother set up a swing ,a sand pit and jungle Jim in the backyard which Sihle was elated about he spent most of his time out there than in the house. My sister in law Lunga and Sbongile helped me paint and decorate the house.
It has now been two years since my divorce with Siyabonga and I can finally say I'm happy, I'm content with my life.
He's never called ever since that fateful day nor has he visited South Africa according to Sbongile. I never told him about Khanya , no one has because I asked them not to. I didn't want him to break her heart as well.
"Dinner time you two." I yelled from the kitchen window.
Sihle jumped out of the swing and into the pit like he does all the time despite my telling him not to making his sister squeal in delight. She loves it when he does that. He stood up and helped his sister up. "Phephe pick me up." She said stretching out her hands for Him to take her. She was now 18 months and as chubby as they came. Sphesihle tried to pick her up but they ended up both falling over and fits of giggles filled the air. I quickly grappled my phone and snapped a picture of them.
I felt as though my heart would burst at the love I felt for my children.
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After dinner and bathing them and taking a shower myself I threw myself in my bed and slept like a log. I was interrupted from my slumber by the sound of the telephone ringing incaissessently . I sluggishly reached over and sleepily placed the phone on my ear and grumbled out a hello.
What was said to me instantly woke me up
"Mam Your husband has been in an accident he's suffered great head injuries ." Spoke a woman's accented voice.
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I called my brother to come and take the kids. My head was still spinning as Sbongile drove me to the airport. I hadn't bothered correcting that lady when she'd called him my husband . When I heard he was hurt something in me flipped. I immediately booked a flight to Sydney.
All I had with me was my phone ,passport, debit card and two sets of clothing. I could tell Sbongile wanted to say something to stop me from going to see him but something about my determination must have stopped her.
I knew everyone thought I was making the same mistake a second time . I saw it in the way they looked at me but I dismissed all of them.
Maybe they were right, maybe I was making a mistake because to begin with I don't even know what hospital he's in. I'm not even sure he's in Sydney or that I'll be welcome when I showed my face there, that his girlfriend or was it wife now would welcome me or that they'd meant to call me or her but I was prepared for whatever came my way. He'd already broken my heart he can't possibly do any worse than that.
We finally got to the airport and stayed in the car for a little while before I decided to get out. "Thabile he's my twin but...Just be careful." She whispered just as I got out of the car. I could only imagine what if felt like to be her, having to side with me because Siyabonga had done me wrong or her brother because blood'll always be thicker than water. "I will. Thank you." I smiled at her before turning around and walking into the airport.
That plane ride was the longest 14 hours of my life. When I got off I made my way to the reserve bank on the third floor of the airport to exchange my currency. When I was finally done I made my way to the phone booth near the exit because I wasn't sure whether I could make a call with my network from here. I shakily pulled out the hospital number that I'd quickly scribbled down and punched it. The phone kept on ringing almost as if mocking me for my stupidity but I held it onto my ear and waited until someone finally picked up.
"Hi " I interrupted before she could say more . "I'm Thabile . Im calling regarding Siyabonga Thusi . I've just landed at the airport but have no idea where to go from here on." I let out a nervous laugh hearing how stupid I sounded when I actually said it out loud. Luckily she was very kind explaining that I'd find an abundance of taxis outside the airport and she gave me the address of the hospital. I thanked her profusedly before letting her go.
I easily found a taxi and I gave the very friendly driver the hospital address. On the way there he talked my ear off about his wife and grandkids. I hardly replied but I was grateful that the car wasn't silent which would leave me alone to my thoughts.
"Thank you sir. How much will it be?" I asked when the car stopped in front of the massive hospital building. " $12.50 my lady." I pulled out twenty dollars and handed it to him. "You can keep the change." I whispered sparing him a polite smile. And got out of the car.
I slowly walked into the expansive entry way and slowly walked up to reception. "Good day miss. I'm here to see Siyabonga Thusi." I expected her to ask me the relationship we shared but she just reached over and called a number. " She's here doctor." She spoke into the phone before nodding a couple of times and then placing it down and turning back to me. "Please follow me." She asked smiling pitifully at me and led me to an elevator that took us to the 7th floor.
When I got there I was accepted by another nurse which gave me a polite smile and led me to a room down the corridor. " The doctor would like to have a word with you before you see your husband." I nodded as she opened the door leading me into an office. I walked in and the middle aged man stood up and shook my hand offering me a seat. "Mrs Thusi..." He began to say but I interrupted him. "I'm no longer Mrs Thusi Doctor. Siyabonga and I got divorced two years ago." My words didn't confuse or surprise him which confused me because they were all under the impression that Siyabonga and I were married.
"Well he seems to have suffered a memory loss because his last memory is that he's married to Thabile and has a son Spesihle and he doesn't remember how he got here and I imagine your separation wasn't an easy one as most aren't I need you to take him home until he recovers. Being in a familiar environment will help jog his memory back to health ."
I looked at the man and mulled over his preposterous words. He was not so directly asking me not to reveal to Siyabonga that we are divorced and that he'd left me with two kids and a broken heart. What was he expecting me to say to my family. My children, to Khanya who'd never met her father. Would I just thrust this man in her life and expect her to call him father ? My sweet Sihle . Would I be subjecting him to another heart break? And what would be of us when his memory returned to him. He'd leave again. Could I go through that ? Would our children endure that pain and come out unscathed.
I was still pondering on whether to agree to this doctors crazy plan as I was led to Siyabonga's room. When I walked in the argument that had been going on between a nurse and Siya ceased and our eyes met and he beamed at me and I knew then that I'd agree to what the doctor suggested as crazy as it was and said a little prayer to God if there was a God out there listening.
"Honey , you came." The vulnerability in his voice tugged at my heart . "Of course I did. How are you?" I spoke softly afraid if I spoke any louder my voice'd break. I approached his bed slowly and stood by the side. "I'm better now that you're here. Are you going to take me home? They can't tell me how I got here . I can't remember how I got here. I'm so confused. You're the only familiar person I've seen in a month. Please take me home." He begged and I could read the frustration he felt in his face.
I reached out and stroked his cheek and he leaned into my touch. "I've come to take you home. We've all missed you very much." I said wiping a lone tear that was trebling down his chin.
He slept through out our trip back home. When we got to the airport I got an uber that drove us back home .
We hardly spoke on our way home but I could see the silent questions brewing in his eyes but I chose to ignore them as I had my own for myself. We got home at around 5pm. The driver and I helped him out of the car and up the steps leading to the veranda. The helpful driver also got our bags for us and left after I paid him. I unlocked the house and helped him into the foyer and led him to the guest bedroom. " I have to fetch the kids in a bit . Would you like to take a bath first or would you like something to eat first?" I asked softly but in a tone that sounded polite yet detached and impersonal . "Thabile something big and bad happened between us . That's how I ended up in Australia isn't it? " he asked ignoring my question. I took a deep breath and sat on the bed besides him . "Yes Siyabonga but I can't tell you what , not until you get back on your feet." He nodded in understanding but I could tell he wasn't satisfied with my answer.
"Alright may you please help me take a bath." He mumbled shyly. He always did hate having someone help him get about . After about an hour of trying to maneuver a position good enough to keep his cast encased leg out of the water and the gauze around his chest dry we were done and I helped him change the gauze around his chest and head and helped him take his medication. " Would you like to come with me to fetch the kids. " I asked as he lay in bed. "I'd like that very much but I'm a bit tired I'd like to take a nap. I'll see him when you get back." He mumbled as he snuggled into his pillow before wincing in pain. My heart tugged at the sight but quickly dismissed the feeling reminding myself that I was only doing this until he gets better not for any other reason.
My brother was less than pleased with me when I told them what I'd done but as always he didn't judge me. "Just promise me you know what you're doing?" He whispered as we trailed behind the kids who were racing to the car. "I wish I could but honestly I have not the slightest idea what I'm doing." I said looking away from his eyes which I knew would reflect the disappointment he surely felt towards my actions. " Hey, look at me." He spoke softly like he always has when trying to console me when we were kids . I turned to him and he smiled at me before pulling me in to a warm bear hug. "Just be careful okay. I don't want to see you hurt anymore." He said placing a kiss on my head before letting me go. And with just his hug and smile I felt more confident in myself.
As soon as I parked the car in the garage all that confidence ebbed away. If I was nervous to announce to my parents that I was pregnant and engaged at 18 just fresh out of high school now I was a wreck. My children were sharing the activities they indulged in in my absence . They were both speaking loudly competing for my attention but my mind was going over all the ways their reintroduction with their father could go wrong.
They were still narrating the time spent with their cousins with me when I opened the door and led them in. When I caught sight of Siyabonga in the foyer on his wheelchair I didn't even question how he'd helped himself off the bed but my eyes immediately went to Sphesihle who looked between me and his father in disbelief , then confusion which grew into an angry glare. The sight broke my heart but what made me feel even worse was the glimmer of betrayal that I caught in his eyes before he raced to his room before slamming the door. Siyabonga looked at me again with the silent questions and hurt in his eyes.
I felt the tears of frustration and exhaustion sting behind my eyelids. I was now left to face a Siyabonga who moved his gaze the miniature female version of himself with awe and disbelief and Khanya smiled at him and his whole face lit up and a lone tear fell down his cheek. " I have a daughter that I don't even remember." At hearing how broken he sounded I for the first time regretted not telling him he was now a father to two. I knelt before Khanya when she tugged at my pant leg to get my attention. "That's baba. Go say hi." I whispered to her. She gave me a quizzical look "Baba?" She asked and I nodded and that's all the confirmation she needed before she turned away from me and waddled to her father.
It took everything in me not to break the charade that stupid doctor put me up to when I heard Siyabonga's voice break as he asked me what her name was. How much it must have broken him to think that he'd lost all memory of his child when he'd never known her. Yes he'd put me through hell and back but that , that was cruel what I did then. I gently took Khanya from him and took her to her room with the promise that I'd be back to tell her a bedtime story.
When I returned to the foyer the crestfallen look still adorned his face and the guilt continued to sting at my insides "May you please help me to my room." He lowly whispered. I wheeled him back to his room and helped him onto the bed. "Thabile I..." I waited patiently for him to complete his statement but he never did. I wished him a goodnight sleep and walked out the door.
I then made my way to Khanya's room and found her sound asleep clutching her favorite story book. I gently pried it out of her hands and replaced it in her bookshelf and changed her into her pajamas.
I then switched on her night light before switching off the lights. She can't sleep without the lights on. If it's entirely dark she gets such a fright , she wakes up and starts wailing and it takes me an entire hour to get her back to sleep so I got her a night light. I also leave the door slightly ajar so light from the hallway sheds a into her room.
I walk out and make my way to Sihle's room. I'm dreading our confrontation . I knocked lightly on his door before I entered. He was not on his bed. He was probably on the top compartment of his room. That was his sanctuary. It was something his therapist suggested I do and this was a space I was meant to respect so he'd feel like it was his and his alone and no one could take it away from him and I to build his trust again I had to ask before I went into it and if he refused that I enter it I shouldn't. It was very helpful and it brought us a little closer and he trusted me a little more and others as well . He sometimes invited his best friend over and they'd spend hours up there sharing loud boisterous laughs about god knows what.
"Sihle may I please come up?" I was met with silence as a response. I knew that meant I couldn't come up but I couldn't leave without explaining to him why Siyabonga was here. I went to sit on his bed "I'm sorry Sihle Kamama. I know seeing your father after the way he left must hurt but this isn't me thrusting him back into your life. He got into an accident." That seemed to get his attention . He sat up and looked at me. " He hurt his head and he lost his memory and he needs our help getting better and remembering all he's forgotten. The doctor in Australia suggested that he stay with us until he gets better and then I promise he'll leave."
He climbed down the ladder and made his way to his bed and sat next to me and lay his head on my lap and tears racked his body. "He left me mama. I won't forgive him for that." He spoke between hiccups . My heart clenched at his words. "Shh baby don't cry." I whispered whilst rubbing soothing circles on his back until his tears subsided and his breathing evened out and I knew he was asleep. I also changed him out of his clothes and into his pajamas and tucked him in and giving him a peck on his cheek wiping away the tears.
I didn't bother changing out of my clothes but just took a few painkillers and tossed myself onto the bed when I got to my room.
I was woken up by my obnoxious alarm. I jumped to switch it off and lay on my back once again. The headache was back again. I decided I'd take a shower before getting Sihle ready for school and taking Siyabonga to his physiotherapy appointment.
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Spesihle-means a precious gift
Khanya- means one who brings light
I don't really know how long flights from Durban ,SA to Sydney Australia are so I just guessed
I don't know what hospitals names from there either so 😊
The idea about therapy just came from the top of my head . I have no experience or knowledge of those either