Friday, January 18th, 2008
Ms. Taylor handed me my diploma in Dr. Shepard’s office.
“Congratulations, Michael.” She said, letting it go in both of my hands.
“Thank you.” I said, shaking her hand.
It’s over. Those 12+ years of torture are done. I’m free. Only a few months until I go to England. Only a few months until I never have to see his face again. I embrace Ms. Taylor, holding onto her tiny frame before I let go.
“You’re my brightest student I’ve ever had. I hope you excel in college and in life as well.” She said. I smiled.
“Thank you.” I looked at Dr. Shepard, hugging her too.
“I’ll see you later, Michael.” She said.
I waved to her while I open the crack of the door and slid through. I ran over to Sharon’s desk, excited. I stopped at her desk, passing Chris, Trey, and Mijo, my diploma behind me. I’m so ready to finally leave here. I was already dressed to go out. I had a striped, navy blue sweater and black jeans with my black boots. I smiled, hoping she’d get the hint.
“Yes, Michael?” She asked, eyes on the computer as always.
“Today is the day.” I said.
“The day for-oh.” She said, remembering our deal.
“Yeah, so when can I leave? I promise I won’t be out late.” I said, beginning to tell her of my plan.
“Er-Mike, you can’t leave. Today.” She said, avoiding my eyes. My eyebrow grew.
“What do you mean, ‘can’t leave’?” I asked, growing angrier.
“You see, I asked the administration, but they denied my proposal.” She said.
“Are you serious?” I asked.
“Unfortunately so.” She said.
I stepped back. I wanted to throw a chair against the damn station, but it’s been long since I’ve been sedated. I don’t think I wanna risk that. I gripped my hands closed into a fist.
“Alright.” I nodded.
I looked over, looking at how the PTs were holding their breath. Anticipating to get the Ativan filled syringe and the key to the isolation room. Possibly waiting to call reinforcements. Yep, I’ve been in that room way too many times.
“Okay.” I said, reassuring myself not to break something.
I nodded and walked to my room. I felt people following me. I walked into my room and sat on my bed. I was visibly upset, I won’t deny it. I laid in bed, contemplating if I should scream or destroy shit. I watched at how they all piled into my room, making sure that I didn’t do anything drastic. They checked around for broken items and when they didn’t find it, they all looked at the upset lunatic laying on the bed.
“Yes?” I asked.
“You okay?” Mijo asked.
“Yeah.” I said, bluntly.
“You sure?” Chris asked.
I laughed bluntly. They really expect me to talk to them.
“Yes, so why don’t you cut the crap? The only reason why you’re in here is because you want me to have a break down so you could get me high off of Ativan and lock me into that room. No, I’m fine.” I pressed.
“What-why would you think that?” Chris asked.
“Because I know. Now leave my room, please.” I said, looking at the white wall to my left.
Hilary, walking by my room, stopped. She popped her head in, leaning her head on the doorway.
“What’s the matter? I thought you graduated. Aren’t you supposed to be ‘going outside’ like you said you were?” She said, laughing.
I glared at her. How many points would I lose if I bang her head against the door?
“Oh, what’s wrong? I thought you were supposed to be outside, ‘getting in touch with reality’? Why are you still here?” She pressed with a smile across her face.
“Hilary, go back into your room before I deduct some points.” Sharon said.
She gave one look at me, then to Sharon, and then smiled while she walked away. I rolled my eyes.
“GET OUT!” I screamed.
They all were startled. I haven’t raised my voice since July. Even the sound of my own voice shook me a bit. I jumped out of the bed and ran to the door way. I held the door open to signal them to leave.
“GET THE FUCK OUT!” I said as I waited for the bodies to move.
They all, one by one, left my room like herds of traveling ox. Once they left, I slammed the door in their faces. I got so angry that I kicked the chair back. Am I that crazy? Am I not mentally able enough to go out for one day? Not even one day, but a couple of hours. Not even that?
I slid my back down the cold, white wall. I sat down and put my head in my hands. My hands were holding my falling tears. What am I? Who am I?
Borderline Personality Disorder.
“a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions”
Unstable relationships
Unstable emotions
Desperate efforts to avoid being abandoned, whether the abandonment is real or imagined
Significant impulsivity
Recurring suicidal behaviors, threats, or attempts
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty managing their anger when it occurs
Transient, stress-related paranoia or severe dissociation
Is this me?