NAGKAAYAAN sa The Valley upang i-celebrate ang pagkapanalo ko. Sa pangunguna ni Farais at Clement ay naisara ang Valley Pavilion para sa aming magpipinsan, grupo ni Shawn at ilang kababaihang invited.
"Pay all the bills, Millicent and Claire." Iyon ang parusa ko sa dalawa sa pagkatalo nila.
Sinamantala ni Farais ang pagkakataon para magsayang ng ilang bote ng wine para lang sa live Instagram niya. Ako ang bida sa post niya. At nakakatuwang nakikiayon ang magkapatid na Oswold, Paulite, Collin, Fred, at Shawn sa kalokohan ng pinsan ko.
"Walang peso si Millicent. Sagot ko na ang kanya." Si Rocky na ngayon ay iniilingan ang nakababatang kapatid.
"I love you, kuya."
Mula sa magkapatid ay nahuli ko si Shawn na nakatingin sa akin. Hindi kami nag-uusap matapos ng ginawa niya kanina. At sa tuwing mahuhuli ko siyang nakatingin ay may kaakibat na pilyong ngiti. Damn. The butterfly in my stomach are swirling. I looked away and watched, Millicent removed her shorts. She is insisting me to change clothe so we can ride the Jet Ski.
"Duchess, hurry up!"
Si Claire at Sophia ay sumunod na kay Millicent. Ako'y tinatantsa pa ang kaganapan. Shawn's group are serious. They are drinking beer on the side while doing the bonfire and some grilling stuff. Rocky joined their group, while Farais, Clement, and Fred were trying the surfing board.
"This is you right?"
Nagulat ako sa pinakitang picture nitong babaeng kaharutan ni Clement kanina. Kasama nito ang chick naman ni Farais.
On the screen, I recognized myself wearing my casual attire when I am walking in the Bowery of New York. Claire is with me and we're going to buy the trending smoky ice cream.
"Yeah. That's me."
Nagtitigan ang dalawa bago kinilig. "Puwedeng humingi ng selfie? Idol kita sa fashion statements mo. At grabe, 'yung twenty-first birthday mo. Nakakainggit. Ang ganda-ganda mo, Duchess."
I don't casually smile to anyone, but I found it rude if I don't smile if someone complimented you nice. I nodded and looked on her screen when she lifted it for a selfie.
Kinikilig na humingi pa ng iba namang anggulo ang dalawa. Malugod ko namang pinaunlakan iyon. Kaso lang, noong gusto ko ng sumama kila Millicent ay hindi ako tinantanan ng dalawa na tanungin kung totoo ba 'yung sa Beverly Hills Penthouse ko.
"Ladies, can I borrow my cousin for a while?" Sophia butted in.
Hinila niya ako paalis doon at sinamahan sa taas para magpalit. I wore brown two-piece as I feel it's simple and plain while my cousins wore neon. Sometimes, oh when Shawn is around, I don't want to be the center of attraction.
Tumili si Sophia ng makababa kami. Hindi ko alam kung para saan iyon. Naglingunan ang mga boys sa gawi namin. I heard someone whistled and it made me uneasy for the first time. I wanted to be unnoticed but what the fuck!
Abala si Shawn sa paghila ng kanyang surfing board ng makita niya ako. His pitch-black eyes drifted on my body, then suddenly I recalled the scene in the Yacht when he was on top of me. Looking down at my naked upper body. My cheek burned red as I felt caressed from those eyes, from all my showing skin. All my life I've been exposing my nipple, boobs, cleavage, or butt casually. I never felt shy. But when Shawn is around, if possible, I needed to cover myself. No skin showing.
"Come on, Duchess. I need to beat Millicent for the Jet Ski race."
I snapped back and nodded. I almost ran when Sophia ran as if she's in a race. God, this seventeen years old freak is like a cheetah. When my butt felt the cold and soak seat of the Jet Ski, I pouted and looked back at him.
He is talking with Farais now.
Ano ba itong iniisip ko? I mentally shook my head and gripped the handle to move it away from them. I know that I am freshly broken from my experience with Drew, but I couldn't deny that I like Shawn. His effect to me is above one hundred percent. That it immediately swift away all my fear and distress. Anything that would remind me that I am hurt. He made me feel healed instantly.
When did this start?
He confessed with me that he liked me. It's too quick and I felt his feelings is still shallow. The fear somewhere in my heart that I am afraid to give hope when I am not fully satisfied with his confession. He didn't tell that he loved me. He only said he likes me. Like and love is different. Far different.
Time is ticking fast. When the moon and those stars glistened above, we are all gathered, form a circle, while the heat from the bonfire served as our warm blanket. We notified, Jyra that we won't go home tonight. We will sleepover the tent here in Valley Pavilion. Have a good time watching the stars.
The boys are having fun. Millicent is nowhere to be found0. I checked, Second, on the circle of the boys. When I couldn't find him I build a conclusion in my mind. It's time for them to talk, though.
Nakikipaghuntahan si Claire at Sophia sa dalawa pang babae. Hindi ako maka-relate sa topic nila kaya umalis ako roon. Naglakad-lakad ako sa itaas. Nakita ko na sa lawn ang nakahandang mga tent para sa amin. Lumapit ako sa isa upang silipin kung anong mayroon sa loob.
"Anong ginagawa mo rito?"
I swirled and found Shawn. "I am curious with this."
Tiningnan niya ang tinuro ko. Lumapit siya roon at sumilip. "Gusto mong pumasok sa loob?"
Tumango ako. Pumasok sa loob ng buksan niya ang zipper sa mas malaking ginawa ko kanina. Namangha ako dahil tanaw sa ibabaw ang ganda ng mga bituin. Bahagya akong gumilid ng pumasok siya. Humiga sa gilid. I found his position comfortable, I lied beside him. I was right, this is soothing than sitting.
"Ang taas nila."
Nilingon ko siya. "Who?"
Tumuro siya sa itaas. "Stars."
Curious, I stared with the stars that were scattered in the wide black looking wall. "Everything above the sky is high. Unless you have wings so you can level those high God's creation," I comprehended.
"Mayroon akong babaeng tinitingala noon. Sobrang taas niya kaya gumawa ako ng paraan para mapantayan siya. Pero nagkamali ako, hindi pala lahat ng gusto mong abutin ay kaya mong mahawakan. Kasi mayroon din siyang gustong abutin, ang masama ay hindi ako iyon."
Hindi ko siya tiningnan. Nanatili akong tahimik dahil isa-isa kong nginunguya ang binitawan niyang salita. "I believe she is the reason why you didn't cut your hair?"
From the side of my eyes, I can see the movement of his eyes. He closed it for a while then he opened it again.
My heart ached for that. Is he still into the lady until now?
"Matagal ko na siyang kinalimutan. May pumalit na kasi."
Paglingon ko sa kanya ay saktong ganoon din siya. "Did the new one really captured your heart?"
Tumaas ang kilay niya. "Oo. Ilang buwan niya akong iniwan. Ang hirap kayang mabuhay ng walang puso kasi bitbit niya paalis."
My throat dried. The way his pitch-black eyes glared at me made me felt nervous and afraid. I am afraid that through my eyes, he will see my feelings for him. And god, they were dreamy and soulful. It's hypnotizing me again. Get a gripped, Duchess. Find a way to escape his spell.
I cleared my throat. "Hinayaan mo kasi siyang umalis. Sana pinigilan mo."
Like a flash, his eyes look amused. But then again, it came back from its soulful shades. He sadly shook his head.
"Why not?"
"We are both not ready. We need time to think."
"Then what happened? Do you think it's worth it?"
He licked his lower lip, stared on my lips, then to my eyes again. "Bumalik siya. Abot kamay ko na rin, pero natatakot akong baka iba rin ang gusto niyang hawakan."
Mabilis akong umiling. "Wala akong gustong hawakan. Ikaw lang, Shawn. Ikaw lang ang iniisip ko noong umalis ako."
I closed my eyes when his hand cupped my cheek. I rubbed my face on his palm. It was rough but it warmed me. I missed him touching me. I miss his smell. I miss him.
"I miss you." I opened my eyes and saw him glaring at me.
There were doubts about his gaze. As if he can't understand me.
"Then what's holding you back on telling me why you attempted to suicide?"
"I—" Umiling ako. Natatakot sa magiging reaction niya kapag inamin ko ang totoo. "Baka magbago ang tingin mo sakin."
"Try me, Serene. Please!"
I swallowed hard. Looked on his eyes and got weak. "Just like you I'd love someone else. I program my mind that he is perfect for me. That I don't see myself to any man aside from him."
I closed my eyes and imagined the perfect me that I am portraying with him is slowly stripping to reveal the worst version of myself.
His warm hand squeezed mine. I've loosened and had some air for me to slowly breathe.
I opened my eyes and saw him looking at me dearly. As if he could feel my pain. "I escape from my bodyguards because I am desperate to see him. I... I flew here in the Philippines and searched for him. And then I found him in a secluded place—" Umiwas ako ng tingin ng mag-unahan ang luha sa aking pisngi. Nangangatal akong nagpatuloy, "—fucked random woman live in front of many people."
Feeling disgraceful and worse than a garbage, I covered my face with my palm. All the pain inside of my chest exploded. I didn't cry when I saw him. Because when he stood in front of me, all I could fee is full anguish to beat him. For all his lies. I am not crying because I love him. I am crying because in the sea of fish, why it has to be him that I have to love and trust?
Nilingon ko si Shawn ng maalalang siya ang kausap ko. Na mahalaga ang magiging reaction niya. Kinabahan ako dahil nanatili siyang tulala sa akin. Wala siyang masabi.
Dahan-dahan akong yumuko. Unti-unting tinanggap na tama ang hinala ko. Hindi niya na ako magugustuhan.
"You trust an asshole."
Ibinalik ko ang aking atensyon sa kanya. Wala akong ibang nakikita sa kanyang mukha kundi poot at galit.
"Then... you will kill yourself just because of that? You will be the looser, Serene. Dapat sinuntok mo siya sa mismong akto para mapahiya siya. Sino 'yan? Kamao ko ang matitikman niya."
Kumurap-kurap ako. Tinitigan ang pagkuyom niya ng kanyang kamao.
"I don't know his name," I lied.
Napaupo siya. "Ano? Nakikipagrelasyon ka sa hindi mo kilala?"
Maging ako ay napagaya. "It's not what you think. I am hiding to him my status, that's why we only knew our first name."
Pagak siyang tumawa. "Then, what it his first name?"
"Drew," sagot ko ng matigil na siya.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang kaya niyang gawin. Pero base sa bulto ng katawan niya, natatakot akong baka isang suntok niya lang ay mawalan ng malay si Drew. Hindi sa concern ako, pero ayaw kong makulong si Shawn. Violence is not our family's trait. I hope he won't do it.
His thumb wiped away my tears. "Bakit mo iniiyakan ang tarantadong 'yon?"
Tumawa ako sa sinabi niya. "Hindi siya ang dahilan kung bakit ako umiiyak."
"Then, why?"
"Kasi nahihiya ako sa'yo. Na baka hindi mo na ako magustuhan."
Nagpatuloy siya sa pagpalis ng luha sa aking pisngi. Ngumiti siya sa sinabi ko. "Tingin mo iyon ang mararamdaman ko kapag binastos ka?" His both hands cupped my cheeks. He made me looked into his eyes. "Hindi display ang katawan ko kapag may naaagrabyado sa kaibigan at pamilya ko. Lalong-lalo sa'yo. Kaya 'yang Drew na 'yan. Pasalamat siya na hindi mo alam ang buong pangalan. Dahil subukan niyang lapitan ka. I am telling you, Serene. He will kiss my fist."
The sharpness and strong vibe of his words caressed my body. It shaking my boots from fear, what more if Drew would hear that. Would he back down or fight back?