❝Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.❞
• • •
June last year. June last year. June last year.
The words kept echoing in my mind and even one night's sleep couldn't get them out. June third was the day I told Holly I loved her for the first time. Around the exact same time, she was also in love with Austin.
The rational part of my mind kept telling me that Elody and Holly were different people and that it was high time I accepted it, but in a way, how could I? They still shared the same mind, didn't they? What if I never asked Holly out. What would have changed? Would she have fallen for Austin too? Or perhaps Emma?
I slammed my fist into my locker, the thought making my blood boil. Nothing was fair. Holly would never know how much I did for her, how much time I spent on her and how much I truly cared for her. She might've claimed that she loved me too, but we both knew that her love for me was only one-fourth of her total heart. Her love had to be shared between Emma and I now, and Austin and I earlier.
The thought of Austin threw me back in a fit of rage. How could she have fallen for him? What did he have that I didn't? If Holly truly loved me, she would've somehow found her way back to me even as Elody. She would've fallen for me so long ago. But she didn't.
She didn't love me. No one could love me. I couldn't even be faithful to her. It wasn't her fault that she had the disorder. I could've been the perfect boyfriend. At least I could've done everything right. I could've been her anchor. Instead, I too made my fair share of mistakes.
She cheated on me. Learning about Austin's and Elody's secret relationship made me realize that Holly and I had many more scars than we'd known about. We weren't the golden couple, after all. I hated it. I hated it all.
I struggled to get my locker open, and when I did, I saw the last thing I wanted to see in that moment. It was the photo album Holly had given me on our anniversary. I remembered how happy she was when she gave it to me and I remembered how happy I was when I saw how happy she was.
Does that make sense? I feel like I based off half of my emotions on Holly. If she was upset, it would reflect on my mood too. If she was happy, I'd drop all my baggages of sadness behind me.
But she wouldn't do the same for me. Rather, she would do it today but she'd forget about it tomorrow. Could I really live like that?
All along I'd thought of myself as the emotionally stable one. I could deal with Holly's alters no matter what mood I was in. I guess that wore out somewhere along the way.
Emma was strike one. Draven was strike two.
Strike three was just too much for me to bear.
I grabbed the photo album off the locker shelf and headed straight for Holly's locker. I didn't stop. I didn't think. I didn't consider my actions.
I entered Holly's code that I had memorized in case she forgot (it was highly likely since she shared a mind with four others) and I carefully placed the photo album under a stack of her textbooks, knowing full well that she'd see it.
Ever since Holly had given it to me, I used the album as a record for everything I did related to Project Mirror, Mirror. I had no intention of giving it to her back then, of course. It was just for my own personal collection to remember Holly forever. In the course of it all, many things changed.
When Holly would see the photo album, she'd remember everything. She'd know about what all I'd done for her. She'd know about her relationship with Emma, she'd finally know about her secret fourth alter Brynn and she'd know that I loved her. It was high time she knew just how much.
I did this knowing full well that at any moment, things could go terribly wrong.
I did this knowing that Holly could lose the alters and become just Holly again, or become a new person altogether.
I knew all of this, and yet I didn't turn back.
I started pacing towards the front doors, when I saw Ava and Holly walking inside. When I saw her, all the emotions came pouring to the surface. I didn't care if she was Holly or Elody or Alora or anyone else. I didn't care. No matter what everyone else said, they were still one person. They still shared a heart. A heart that Holly said belonged to me.
"Holly, how could you do this to me?" I asked, before I could stop myself. I wanted to break down all over again, but my anger was the one thing that stopped me.
"Wha-what did I do?" She asked innocently, completely caught off guard.
"Will, leave her alone," Ava snapped, not in the mood to sympathise with me. She was just about to steer Holly away from me, when I had another outburst.
"After all we'd been through? How could you, Holly?" I asked, trying hard not to sob. Thankfully, the corridors were deserted apart from the three of us. We were always at school an hour early so that we could hang out because usually the three of us plus Ted were tied up with work, tutoring and family stuff. Then, I couldn't be more thankful for our odd routine.
"I don't know what you're talking about!" Holly shouted, looking like she wanted to burst into tears as well.
We'd only ever fought so seriously once in our lives and that was before we'd gotten together. It was when Holly had finally confronted me about Thea. It was so long ago that I'd forgotten what it had felt like. Horrible, no doubt. But was it as bad as this? Did it end as badly as this one did?
"It's not her fault, Will," Ava glared at me. She looked like she wanted to murder me then and there. I knew this was bound to happen. However close Ava and I were, Holly came first. There was no questioning her protectiveness.
"Ava, stay out of this," I snapped back, fully aware of how idiotic I was beginning to sound. Sure, it wasn't Ava's fault. It wasn't Holly's fault either. There was no point to this argument, but I couldn't stop myself.
I needed to be angry at someone in that moment and I chose the first people in my way. If only I'd known then how much damage anger could do to a relationship.
"No, no I will not stay out of this!" She shouted, looking like she wanted to murder me. I wished I had Ted to have my back. Usually when the four of us fought collectively, we'd be in pairs.
Holly and I versus Ted and Ava, or Holly and Ava versus Ted and I. This being the latter situation, I needed someone on my side. Ava's rage had no match.
"This doesn't concern you," I said, as calmly as I could muster.
"If it concerns Holly, it concerns me," she said protectively, instinctively edging closer to her best friend. Holly, however, took no notice. Her eyes didn't leave mine for even a second.
"You dated someone else while you were with me," I whispered, starting to feel more hurt than angry. She loved someone else. I wasn't hers and hers alone.
What about the future? What about all the plans we'd made together? We couldn't travel the world. We couldn't settle down in the heart of New York like Holly had always wanted. We couldn't get married one day and have two beautiful children like we'd always dreamed. We couldn't be together forever if she'd promised the same to someone else simultaneously.
I was always afraid of losing Holly. Only then was I starting to fear losing myself too, along the way.
"What?! Of course I didn't! How could you accuse me of cheating on you?" Holly retorted.
"Will, drop it now or you're going to regret it," Ava said coldly.
"AVA, I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP. STOP GETTING INVOLVED WHERE NO ONE WANTS YOU," I shouted, my temper flaring. I hated having her tell me what to do all the time. Sometimes it felt like she was the one dating Holly this whole time.
Pain flickered across Ava's face, but it was soon replaced by anger. I'd hit her hard. There was no going back now.
"Have it your way, then," she smiled sarcastically. "But don't come crawling back to me when you lose everything," she spat out coldly. With one last warning glare, she tightened her grip on her bag straps and walked away, her runners slapping angrily against the hard floor.
I lost a piece of her that day.
"It wasn't really me, was it?" Holly whispered, once Ava was out of earshot. She looked so guilt-ridden and upset that I had to fight the urge the hold her in my arms and promise her that everything would be alright. But they wouldn't be. Everything changed that day.
"Holly, no matter how you try to dress it up, at the end, they'll always be a part of you. The fact that you had eyes for someone else while I was still a part of your life hurts me more than you'll ever know," I said softly, avoiding her pain-filled eyes.
She stayed silent for a long while, lost in thought. The silence calmed me down a considerable amount. I was finally able to clear my feelings and understand the situation. I knew I'd messed up majorly with Ava and that it was going to be hard to mend things with her, but it wasn't too late with Holly. I had to make it up to her before things escalated any further.
I was just about to apologize to her and tell her that I was merely being impulsive and that none of it was her fault at all, when she finally spoke.
"Actually, I do know, Will. I always have. I've always wondered why you still stay on, even though I manage to tear your heart out every single day. But now I know why. You're afraid of letting me go. You're afraid that if anything happens to me after that, you'll be left responsible forever. You want to be the good guy."
What? No! I loved her. That was it. I loved her so much it killed me, and I let it. I loved her to the point that my eyes got brighter when I saw her and I felt happier when I thought of her.
I loved her.
That was the bottom line. Nothing else mattered to me but her.
I wanted to tell her all of this, but it was too late. She had boarded her train of thought and I didn't have the energy to chase after her.
"So let me do you a favour. It's really nothing compared to the number of years you've put up with me, but it's really all I've got. I'm letting you go," she said.
I was rendered speechless. I couldn't think. Was I breathing? I felt the blood drain out of my entire body. Nothing in the world had ever made me feel so, so utterly
b
r
o
k
e
n.
"Holly," I whispered. No, begged. Pleaded. I was blinded by my tears. My heart was breaking into a million little pieces that would never, ever be stitched back together.
"Holly, don't do this." I was sobbing now, uncontrollably, and I could tell that she was fighting the urge to do the same. I couldn't think anymore. I couldn't feel.
All along, I'd known that there was a chance I wouldn't get all of the alters to fall for me. But never did I stop to consiser losing Holly herself through choice.
Here I was, fighting for her love, and she'd chosen to end it. A choice, when along I thought we didn't have any.
"Goodbye, Will," was all she said.
And those scars never healed.
• • •
A/N An earnest request: please don't show up at my house with knives at 2am. My family would be sleeping and I don't want to disturb them. Anytime in the afternoon is good, though. Looking forward to seeing you!