Rose's POV:
"Is it better?" Ava asks me as she hands me a bottle of water. I sit up more straight in the passenger seat and with my still shaking hands, I take it, gulping the cool liquid down my sore throat.
"I don't know." I choke out. Panic and anxiety are still overwhelming me. I know what went wrong. I was in a stressful situation and that's exactly what the doctors warned me from. What scares me is that I can't do anything about it.
"I guess, I just have to calm down." I whisper, closing my eyes while exhaling and inhaling deeply. Repeating that over and over again.
"Don't you think we should get you into the hospital?"
"For what Ava? That they can tell me the same bullshit I had to listen to the past months? Don't you get it? They give me some injections and hang me onto a tube so I feel better? Let me tell you something. A not functioning heart can't help anything." I reply, sounding harsher than I intended to but I feel like everything around me is caving in at the moment.
Without any possibility to make it stop. "Don't say that. Even if it's like that you can still get-" "A new heart? I'm too low on the list Ava. Also if I would get one, I will be too weak to survive the surgery."
"Rose please listen, you are overwhelmed right now. I don't want you to say such things. There's always a way, got it? I'll call Shawn now, he should come to the hotel immediately." Ava says clueless with the situation we are in.
I don't blame her and don't get me wrong, it's so sweet how she tries to reassure me but she doesn't get it. No one does. Everyone tells me it's going to be fine.
Ava, Carter, Shawn and the rest of the crew. All I hear is that it's going to be okey. The truth is, they are not trying to convince me. They are trying to convince themselves because if they wouldn't have hope, there would be nothing to hold onto. I did that too for a long time too.
It made me able to stand up in the morning without overthinking wether it was even worth it. The difference is just, that they don't feel what I do. They don't feel how I get weaker and weaker.
Only I notice, that I'm out of breath way faster than I was before, that I'm more tired even though I sleep enough and that I cannot concentrate for more than an hour.
I don't want to take the hope away from them but it makes me feel alone to know that only I realize it. I don't want them to tell me that it will be fine, I just want to... I don't know.
I want to have a normal girls day with Ava, for example or I just want to be in Shawns arms while we watch a movie or do nothing but lay together because I don't know how many of those moment I'm still able to have. "He wants to talk to you." Ava says, snapping me out of my thoughts.
She hands me the phone, starting the engine afterwards. "Hello?" "Rose? Ava told me what happened. How are you feeling?" Shawn rambles worriedly. „I'm no-." „Shawn look at this!" I hear a voice laugh in the background. Definitely a girl's voice.
"Camila, I can't right now wait a moment. Sorry hunny, what did you say?" My stomach turns at the mention of her name and I can't help but get a bit angry at the fact that he ditched me again for her.
At least he didn't tell me that they are working on their song today. "I thought you had some studio stuff to do?"
"I do and I am at the studio with the others. But now tell me how you are feeling. Is everything okey now? If you don't feel good I will come to the hotel." I hesitate for a moment but my pride comes in the way of my decision.
„I'm already feeling better, don't worry. Have fun." I say, biting my bottom lip to keep it from trembling. In the corner of my eye, I could see Ava frowning because of my words.
Come on, if he rather spends time with his „best friend" I shouldn't be in the way of it. Isn't that what good girlfriends do? I sigh as I realize that he was in the same situation.
Carter even confessed that he loves me but Shawn still doesn't say anything when we FaceTime or call for hours. Ugh.... why do I have to make myself feel guilty?
„Rose?" „Huh?" I ask, realizing that I'm still on the phone with Shawn. „Are you sure? Ava said that it looked pretty bad."
"Trust me it's fine. I think it was just a panic attack. Now don't worry and finish whatever you have to do. See ya." I reply, annoyance lacing trough my voice but I couldn't care less right now.
I hang up before he got the chance to speak. „Rose why are you lying to him? That's exactly what you shouldn't do." Ava says, glancing at me every now and then.
"I'm not lying." Just a bit... „It was only a panic attack and there's nothing he could do about it anyways." I add, averting my eyes out of the window while stuffing my still slightly shaky hands into the pockets of my jacket.
I could hear her sigh defeatedly, knowing she won't be able to change my mind anyways. Closing my eyes I lean back, silence overcoming the rest of the car ride only to be interrupted my Shawn texting or calling me, so I shut my phone off.
It was probably a bit obvious that something's wrong but I'll just text him later. As soon as we arrive in the hotel, Ava insists to walk into my hotel room with me. "Ava thank you but I can go in on my own." I say, noticing that the door is already open as I was about to unlock it.
Frowning, I push it fully open to reveal him sitting on the bed, running a hand trough his already messed up hair. "Shawn, what are you doing here?" I ask, surprised. He on the other hand looks everything other than happy.
"I guess you are fine now. Bye guys." Ava says awkwardly before she disappears through the door, leaving me and Shawn alone. "So why are you not in the studio?" I question, taking off my jacket and placing it on the bed next to him.
"Oh maybe because Mrs. "It's only a panic attack" didn't text or call back? Or maybe because she just hung up?" Shawn asks back ironically while he follows me into the bathroom. "My phone died." I sigh, opening the cabinet to take out the medicine I got from the doctor last time.
"You could have called me from Ava's phone." Shawn states, crossing his arms as he eyes me through the mirror. "I didn't think you would call me when I already told you that I'm fine." I reply, splashing water into my face before taking my make up bag out.
The dinner is in about half an hour. That has to be enough time. "Yeah of course. Already forgot that you shouldn't put yourself in stressful situations?" Shawn asks, stepping closer to me.
"It's not my fault that the paparazzi followed us Shawn!" I snap, turning to him. "I didn't say that Rose!"
"Yeah then what do you want? I'm not the one who ditched the other again because of..." "Because of what huh? I told you I have a lot of stuff to do lately. And now it's my fault?" Shawn laughs drily.
"You know what? Just forget it. It's always the same with you." I mutter quietly, turning back to the mirror. "Really Rose? God, just tell me why you are so mad. Is it because I didn't come with you today?" Shawn scoffs, rubbing his hand over his face.
My blood starts to boil even mor because of how oblivious he is but before I could answer his phone starts to ring. He takes it out, mumbling a short 'wait a minute' while heading out of the bathroom.
"Hey Andrew..." At least it's not her. I don't want to fight with him but as if he doesn't know what's wrong. Or does he not even notice that he already put me off four times? Oh come on.
I know I probably shouldn't be like that and I get that he has much to do but to me, meeting up with Camila isn't being busy. A few minutes later I hear his footsteps approaching me from behind.
"What are you doing?" Shawn questions as I take of the hair tie which I used for my bun, since my make up is finished.
„Getting ready for the dinner." "Are you kidding me? You just had a panic attack." Shawn states, stepping in front of me so I can't walk out of the bathroom.
"I told you I'm feeling good. Don't want me there huh?" I chuckle rolling my eyes as I push past him. "So you can spend more time with your precious Camila." I mumble quietly as I get my dress from the bed.
"What did you say?" Shawn asks, leaning against the door frame. His arms crossed and jaw clenched slightly. "Oh nothing important." I answer, turning my back to Shawn as I pull my shirt over my head.
I could feel his eyes watching me intensely but this time I don't care. I bend a little over to remove my jeans, revealing the black underwear I'm luckily wearing, before throwing them on the bed next to my shirt.
A little smile grows on my face as I don't hear another word from him. I could feel his gaze on every inch of my skin but as I feel myself getting uncomfortable again, I quickly slip the dress on.
Turning around, I sit down on the bed to put my high heels on, like nothing happened.
Shawn is still standing in the same spot, his lower lip between his teeth. It takes a lot from me not to start grinning.
I guess he is not in the mood to fight anymore. Finally I put on my jacket, moving my hair to the front so it flows over my shoulders a bit.
"Let's go." I say, heading to the door without another glance at him. I could only hear a grumbled 'fine' before he eventually follows me.