Remus felt strange when he arrived home. He was excited, but he felt much more than that. He couldn't put into words exactly how he felt and, for a well-spoken man like himself, that was disconcerting in itself. He played with Teddy for a bit; somehow his child felt brand new to him. Remus brought Teddy into his study and set him in his swing, which he charmed to move slowly and rock Teddy to sleep. Remus didn't have much time to get his affairs in order before Tonks came home from work. He smiled as he watched Teddy's hair slowly changing colors, and his nose and ears changing shape while he slept. Remus had been away from his son for just a few days and already he'd learned something new. He felt a pain in his chest—a legitimate stabbing pain—as he thought about missing all the important milestones of Teddy's life. This could be the second time that Remus will lose his son, but at least Teddy would live on. He'll be resilient like his mother, and he'll find his own way in life.
Remus sat behind his desk and took out two rolls of parchment, which he sat side by side. He opened a jar of black ink and set two quills on the desk. He focused his concentration and wrote a lengthy letter to Tonks about how deeply sorry he was for leaving her, and how much he loved she and Teddy. On the second parchment, Remus wrote out his will, which was by far the easier of the two documents to write because he owned so little. Remus sealed the parchments with instruction as to their opening and use. He rose and looked over Teddy again while he collected his thoughts for his next set of writings. He really wanted to write these next missives by hand, but didn't have the time. He had to get these finished before Tonks came home.
Moving back to his desk, Remus sat and took out a single roll of parchment. He used both quills to write and controlled them with non-verbal magic. He wrote a letter to Teddy to be opened and read to him on his first birthday. Remus wrote sixteen more letters, all to be opened on Teddy's birthdays. He took a break only to feed and change Teddy. Tonks may not agree with his decision, but she'll respect his wishes when he's gone. Remus sat back and rubbed his temples after finishing the last letter. He hoped he covered everything Teddy would need to know. There was so much Remus wanted to say to Teddy, and there were so many things that a young wizard needed to understand about life.
Remus rose again to meet an owl tapping at his window; it had a letter from Lin. He knew it was from Lin before he touch it; it smelled of her gardenia perfume. She didn't purposely scent it. Remus' senses were heightened by the lycanthropy. This was a hefty letter written on light-blue Muggle stationary. Lin was loquacious, but her letters were normally short and to the point; the scientist in her dominated her writing style. Four pages of neat, beautiful, handwriting sat in Remus' hands. He knew what the letter said even before he opened it. Again, Lin pleaded with him to give Tonks a say. But Remus already knew what Tonks would say. She was happy to live her life around Remus' illness, to lose her freedom to it. But Tonks didn't have to live with the pain of the monthly changes or, even worse, the debilitating fear of hurting his family that clung to Remus like a persistent leech. He skimmed Lin's letter, folded it, and placed it on the desk. He quickly penned a reply and gave it to the owl waiting at the window.
Dear Lin,
Thank you for your concern. You're a true friend. But my decision is firm.
Remus
"Oh, you've finished that paper already?"
Remus wasn't surprised by Tonks' voice. His heightened senses made him aware of her presence long before she spoke. He could smell her perfume and heard the doorknob turn as she entered his study. "No, just a quick note to Lin."
Tonks leaned over Teddy and softly patted his chubby belly before answering her husband. "Did you forget something?" Tonk's cheerful voice was silenced the second she looked at Remus' face. Her concern showed immediately as her skin became sallow, and her hair darkened to a dull brown. Remus was acting cool and relaxed, but Tonks knew him too well to be fooled by his well-practiced charade. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," laughed Remus.
"Don't lie to me. Something happened." She turned back to look at her precious sleeping baby. "Is Teddy okay?"
"Of course," said Remus, still faking serenity. "Why wouldn't he be?"
"Stop playing games with me!" snapped Tonks, her hair turning an unnatural shade of flame red. "Are you having an affair?"
"Merlin, no!" Remus had two choices: he could keep acting and provoke an argument, or he could tell her about Severus' potion and provoke an argument of a different kind. He picked up Lin's letter and offered it to Tonks. "Read this, Dora."
As Tonks read through the letter, her skin grew pale and her hair turned a frosty shade of blue. "I don't understand."
"Did you read the letter?"
"You saw me read it."
"It's all settled then."
"Nothing is settled, Remus. I'm not even sure what this means."
"Severus' anti-lycanthropy potion is finished." Tonks' skin paled even more, and her hair turned white. Remus took out his wand and conjured a chair, which he steered her into. Now that the secret was out, Remus let his excitement show. He chatted to Tonks until she was able to find her voice again. "I never thought it would happen. But if there were anyone alive today who was talented enough to produce a cure for lycanthropy, it's Severus." Remus took Tonks' hands in his. "This could help so many people, Dora. It'll change our lives."
"It might take yours."
"Severus said the survival rate is eighty percent."
"And the not-surviving rate is twenty percent."
"There's nothing to worry about," argued Remus.
"Really, what about the twenty percent chance of dying? And unknown side effects? And permanent disability?"
"The odds in my favor are excellent."
"But not perfect, Remus."
"Nothing in life is perfect, Dora, but this is a chance—a real chance to be normal."
"You are normal."
Remus' excitement was rapidly changing to agitation. "You know what I mean. I shouldn't have to explain it." He released Tonks' hands and began to pace. "I talked to Severus, and I've made up my mind. Everything's settled."
"We have to discuss this."
"Discuss what?"
"This!" shouted Tonks as she waved the letter in her hand.
"Severus can't refine the potion any further. He needs a test subject, and I'm the obvious choice."
"Why are you suddenly so willing to put your faith in him?"
"Because he's bloody brilliant," replied Remus testily.
"He's also a vindictive prat," said Tonks.
"I don't care about his personality, Dora. He's a gifted Potions master. Even as a schoolboy, he was years ahead of the rest of us."
"He hates you, Remus."
"I know, but he won't let that interfere with his sense of professionalism."
Tonks snorted. "Oh yes, well that's good to know." She immediately regretted her sarcasm. Remus bristled and launched into a tirade.
"You have no idea what it's like to be a monster."
"You're not a monster, Remus."
"I spend every waking hour fighting this curse. The older I get, the harder it is to resist. I wake up in the middle of the night just to check that you're alive. I worry constantly about what I might do to Teddy."
"You would never harm us!"
"But It would!" said Remus, pointing to himself.
Tonks rose and took Remus' hands in hers. "I know you're suffering, but that's a not a reason to jump blindly into testing a new potion on yourself. We need to discuss this."
"No, we don't," said Remus firmly. "It's my decision, and I'd prefer it if you weren't present during the test."
Tonks dropped Remus' hands in a fit of temper. "This isn't just about you!"
"Really, are there any other werewolves in the family?"
"No, but there's a wife and a son!"
"I'm doing this for you!"
"You're doing it for yourself, Remus—for yourself and by yourself," and with that, Tonks lifted Teddy and left the room.
Remus had hoped to keep his intentions hidden a little longer, but at least his time was now freed up, and he was determined to make the best of it. He used the time to put more work into his missives for Teddy. Tonks didn't speak to him for several days. When she realized the silent treatment had no effect on him, she moved in with her mother, Andromeda, and took Teddy with her. Remus knew she wanted him to fetch her and as much as he wanted to, he had to stick to his guns.
It seemed to take forever for Severus' letter to arrive, and it came earlier than expected as Lin's friend, Janet, backed out of her weekend plans with Lin. Remus smiled to himself as he imagined Severus' sour visage stuck in the middle of a group of Lin's Muggle friends. The big day would be Sunday, or rather Sunday evening. Remus pointed his wand and burnt the letter. He'd hoped the event would happen while Tonks was working. All of Remus' affairs were in order, all instructions were laid out, and he was as ready as anyone could be to depart this life. Instead of spending the next two days pacing the small but cozy home he shared with Tonks, he arrived unannounced at Lin and Severus' doorstep and offered his help with preparations. He knew Lin would have him. Severus would prefer to have as little contact with him as possible, but Lin's brand of hospitality won out over Severus'.
~~~
Lin did have a calming influence over him, but the full moon was approaching, and Remus was getting irritable. Worrying about the potion's effect on him increased his agitation. He found himself pacing outside the spring-house that Sirius had fixed up for him not so long ago. Remembering Sirius added more barely controlled emotions to the stew he was trying to contain. Severus had spent a good deal of time reinforcing the work Sirius had done to ensure that no one was injured during the test. The interior of the spring-house now resembled a blending of jail cell and hospital ward.
Poppy had arrived early in the day to set up medical equipment and supplies; it looked like she'd brought half of St. Mungo's with her. Remus didn't know Poppy was going to be present and had asked Lin how she'd convinced her to some. Remus was shocked to find that Severus was the one who'd talked the Medi-Witch into assisting. Remus had no idea that Poppy and Severus were on such good terms, but that in itself was reassuring as Remus knew the two of them would take the secrets of tonight's experiment to their graves.
For what could've been the thousandth time in the span of a few minutes, Remus found himself asking Merlin, Albus, an entire pantheon of gods and goddesses, and any well-meaning deceased magical beings to lend whatever help they could for a positive outcome. Remus suddenly felt desperately alone and wanted Tonks' arms around him. The door of the spring-house opened. Remus hadn't heard any sound coming from the interior, nor did he pick up any scent from under the door; Severus had outdone himself. The spring-house was locked down tighter than Azkaban.
"Tonks isn't here?" said Lin.
"She must be working late," replied Remus. He received such a disapproving look from Lin that he momentarily wondered if his ability to tell a convincing lie had gone rusty. "I thought I made my position clear, Lin."
"You did, but I'm compelled to tell you how I feel. I think you're being narrow-minded and cruel."
"That was very blunt."
"Yes, and I'm sorry, but that's the way I see it."
"If Dora were to have a medical procedure performed, it wouldn't be up to me to approve or deny her decision."
"It's not about Tonks having the final say, Remus. It's about knowing that her opinions and feelings matter to you."
Lin's words hit Remus like a hammer blow. He thought he was protecting Tonks, but in reality he'd alienated her. What they were planning to do tonight was illegal and everyone involved could be heavily prosecuted. Remus thought about the argument he and Tonks' had. She could've threatened him with prosecution. She could've arrested him, but she didn't. The fact that she knew what they were planning and didn't intervene could cost her, her job and her freedom.
"We're ready when you are," said Lin.
"I just need a minute."
"Make that a few minutes," said Tonks as she dashed through the garden. She'd barely finished speaking when Severus appeared in the open doorway with his wand drawn.
"A little communication would've been appreciated."
"Sorry," said Tonks as she tripped over a root. Remus caught her before she sell flat on her face. Severus holstered his wand and went inside. Lin turned to follow him.
"You weren't supposed to tell her, Lin."
"You said that you weren't telling her, you didn't say that I couldn't."
"That was very sneaky."
"I bullied her," said Tonks.
"No, you didn't," laughed Remus. Lin quietly closed the door to give them privacy.
Tonks feigned offense. "I'm well trained in the fine art of interrogation."
Remus, whose arms were still around Tonks' waist, pulled her closer to him. "I know I said I didn't want you here, but I'm so happy to see you."
"You didn't really think you could keep me away, did you?"
"I never meant to push you away. I just want to be a proper husband to you and father to Teddy."
"You already are those things."
"What I am is a cursed man, nothing you say will change the fact. But I have a chance, slim as it may be, to be normal. I need to try, Dora. I have to do this."
"I know," said Tonks as she held him tightly.
"I have your blessing then?"
"Yes, you have my blessing."